A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help to stop feeling angry with my bf about our abortion. I know readers might judge me for having an abortion, that's ok, I judge myself, I know I did the wrong thing, I feel guilty every day and regret my decision greatly. I'm trying to deal work on that myself, but where i'm getting stuck is with my feelings towards my bf. We'd been together 8 months when I became pregnant whilst on the pill, unplanned, unexpected, but a joyful surprise to me. My bf was less over the moon. Wouldn't say if he wanted us to keep the baby either way. Said he'd support me whatever i decided...me, he left the decision to me. So, at the time, we weren't living together or engaged or anything, had no savings, and a month before, i'd found out he was sexting two other girls behind my back, so was feeling less than secure with him, despite him saying he said he loved me.I felt very alone, unsupported, and decided it would not be fair to bring a baby in to the world with so little security.I had the abortion.I grieve every day. It was the worst decision I ever made.My bf won't talk about it, doesn't want to see me upset around him, has done nothing to mark our loss.It was the estimated delivery date last week. I arranged to say a prayer with a chaplain. My bf didn't turn up to the service as he was tired.I am disappointed in him, angry with him. He's saying he wants us to live together, start a family, can see us getting married. There's been no more sexting/betrayal from him. I don't know what to do with the negative feelings I have towards him at the moment.I know a lot of it is about me feeling horrible about myself. But part of it is genuinely about how I feel towards him.What should I do? Thanks.
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female
reader, Gokmen.B  +, writes (3 May 2012):
Hi, Your story sounds very simular to mine, I fell pregnant last spetmeber I have been with my boyfriend nearly 4 years now and were engaged apart from that though very simular. My boyfriends mum said it wasn't a good time to have a baby as he was still at college and we had only been living together 2 months so I agreed to have an abortion it was also the worst mistake I have ever made I still get really upset when I think about it so I would say your thoughts are fairly normal.Maybe try and talk to your boyfriends now about trying for a baby just telling him how you feel, I have been think about how to tell my boyfriend and will be telling him exactly how I feel tonight. I hope evrything goes well for you, try not to feel guilty because so many people get abortions these day and sometimes I guess its for the best. If he doesn't seem to understand how you feel maybe try sitting down together and talking and explaining even more thats the only advice I can give sorry x
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (26 February 2012):
Hey, don't beat yourself up so much about the abortion but ask yourself why you were having sex with a guy who wasn't prepared to be your partner and good father to your child. Babies are a result of sex - sperm, egg, baby. We could drive ourselves crazy if we analyse everything that might have been. I had a gf who had an abortion because it wasn't the right time to start a family and all concerned went on to find the right partner and have far more children than would have been likely. Yes and happiness. Don't bury youself in remorse. Find a good friend to talk with. I am not sure a priest is always this, they often make their living out of making people feel guilt in the first place. It is much better that you find the right partner next time and enjoy bringing up children with the love and support of that partner. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I am gonna be the harsh voice here babes, and it's not because I'm anti-abortion or think you did the wrong thing.
What concerns me is about your understanding of responsibility. You say your boyfriend didn't help you to decide, but how could he? If he said keep the baby and then changed his mind, you'd be saying "he wanted me to have a baby and then he left me". If he told you to have an abortion, right now you'd be saying "he forced me to kill my baby". Men can't help you decide these things, it's your body, it's your heart, it's your worry, at the end of the day only you know what is best for you.
That brings me to the second thing, you say you had an abortion because he couldn't provide you security. My mum always told me, that in the end, all women decide to have children when they are ready. At any time the man could go, so in the end, you plan to have children when you think it's possible and you can cope.
That's what I wanted to say. There is no need to forgive yourself. You didn't just think, "well this isn't working for me, lets just get an abortion". Nope, you thought long and hard, you worried, you probably cried. You thought of that baby, you thought about the best thing to do. Not for you, but for the baby, you thought, you investigated, you tried every way you could to see if a baby in your life would end up happy and successful.
Take personal responsibility, you tried your very damned best to have that baby and bring it into the world, but you couldn't see a way in the situation you found yourself in.
Very few women have abortions lightly, they make this decision under a great deal of stress and mental torture. Maybe it was the wrong decision, maybe it was right, but at the time you did the only thing that you could do. It's easy to look back and think, I should have done differently, but if you could have done differently, you wouldn't be here telling us this, you'd be here telling us something different, probably about an absent father who doesn't care about his kid.
Don't know about your guy, I have a feeling the only reason's he's stopped the sextexting thing, is because you look so sad. I have a feeling he'll start it again soon, because that is the type of guy he seems to be.
You did well to go and talk to the priest, they understand a lot about forgiveness. Your guy can't be bothered to come, but somehow you think you could have kept him and the baby and everything would have been ok. No, somehow I don't think he would have made a very good father.
Anyway, soon finished.. forgive yourself for letting a light go out of this world. Forgive yourself for being human, oh too human. In life, we make choices, we have to, and some of the choices we regret, some we don't, but often we didn't have much room to do different. It concerns me that your here again, trying to avoid responsibility.. You ask, "What should I do?" How in the hell can anyone tell you what to do? It is your life, your decisions, again you are the one who has to live with the consequences. You must listen to the advice give and do what is best for you. I know you want security, but it can't be found outside, or from somebody else, you must learn to be strong and give security to you. Other people are failable, only you know how to make sure that you always will be there for you.
Take care of you, your a special light in this world too, and you don't deserved to be punished, even by yourself.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 February 2012):
 ps and sorry to say, but a tub of ice cream won't do it. Won't even touch it. This is pain on a different kind of level.
Only a reconnection with the source of life will do it, and your own power to generate new life, in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (25 February 2012):
Firstly, I am so so sorry about the loss of your baby, and I am so sorry that you have, like probably millions of us before you, been hoodwinked by the 'abortion is the sensible option' nonsense. My feelings are as strong if not stronger than yours about this, and I also grieve, still, nearly 22 years on. It would have been my child's 21st birthday in January.
Now, that said, you will go on, you will get through it, you will live, you will be happy, in the way that any of us are after someone so close to us, a part of us, has passed away. And do not blame yourself. You just trusted that abortion must be an ok thing to do, and found out that it isn't when it was too late. I personally think it is betrayal of women in particular on a massive scale, but there we go. We individuals can do nothing, but it is not our fault - we were basically lied to. Our decisions were based on false, or certainly very very selective, 'advice'.
As for the guy, you know, he wasn't bad. He DIDN'T force you to have an abortion. He didn't leave you with the problem. OK, he didn't say 'come on, let's have this baby' - but he didn't say he wouldn't, either. I think the heart of your problem is that you feel angry because you feel as if he made you make the decision. But actually, he left it open - which means he also left it open for you to have the baby. He didn't want to force you either way. That is a way of seeing it. He wanted to be ... supportive by being there for you whatever you chose.
And you chose abortion, and now he can't talk about it. He is a man. They do that. That isn't his individual failing: that is total maleness. And now he wants to be with you, marry and have children. What does that tell you? It suggests to me that he is also grieving, and wants to makes things better, but he doesn't have the emotional apparatus to tell you that in as many words.
I will tell you something absolutely true now: the one and only thing that will make you feel better is having another baby. You will still grieve, and your enjoyment of your next baby will be bittersweet because of your grief for the first baby, but really, it is the only cure.
You need a baby, and it sounds to me like he needs one too.
But I don't know if he is the guy for you, if his lack of ability to be very direct with his emotions is a problem for you.
I feel very sorry for you - both. I hope you work something out. My advice to you is to remember that he didn't force you - he would have supported you with the baby. So don't reject him for that.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 Counseling, friends, a tub of ice cream, anything to help you get it out. Don't worry about your boyfriend right now, focus on YOU and how to get better. It can take a while but I believe in your strength.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2012):
 He's not the link to the lost baby any more. He chose not to be. YOU are the link.
Forgive yourself. You can work on forgiving him over time, from a distance. Because he's not the man for you if he won't participate in your recovery. THAT'S a betrayal worse than sexting.
Look to yourself, live in the now and accept that you are where you are. You can't change what happened. You can't change your boyfriend. You are the only one who can change your attitude.
Start observing yourself when you become angry with him. Notice everything about how you become angry. Observe yourself when you start the self-flagellation and self-blame. Observe, and breathe. Sit quietly with yourself and observe with compassion and no judgement. You are feeling what you are feeling. Let the feelings play out, all the while, observing. Try not to think too much about it, just observe. Keep your mind quiet and breathe.
If you give yourself the space, you may find the solution to your own feelings is to accept that they are there and if you experience them deeply with self-compassion, they will dissolve naturally.
If you still cannot move from your stuck point, do seek counseling or a support group. You are not the first to experience this loss, you are not alone.
Be well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Unfortunately the grieving process for men and women are different. men tend to be more closed off and don't express the emotions even if they're feeling them. So it might seem as he is a little cold but that is the way we grieve we do it privately. but the flipside of it is women are the total opposite. you want to talk about it with friends and cry.These issues that keep on popping up are red flags sex txt the fact that he wouldn't support you in your time of grief with the chaplain these are all red flags. and the fact that he says I want to start a family with you but takes no action to start one another red flag.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2012):
 I think it's time your forgive yourself. You did what you felt was the right thing to do.
You could be sitting with a baby and no partner right now. You put your baby and yourself first and I think that is what any good person would do.
No more sex without condom & the pill though.
And not to sounds sexist, but most men have no clue how it makes a women feel going to an abortion/miscarriage.
Maybe look into a support group?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): (original poster): @anonymous male reader - i do see where you're coming from, but if i dump him, i lose any link to our lost baby :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): (Original poster): thank you for your responses so far. I am plesantly surprised that I am not being judged, and appreciate your advice.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 February 2012):
 HI
unfortunately many guys wont register it's a baby unless they have actually seen it, and even when a baby arrives they want nothing much to do with it untill they start to speak ( more of a case of fun time, not waking up every two ours or so ) . You did what was right for you at the time, there is no wrong or right here.Leaving the choice up to you was a little unfair, but again thats men for you ( not all men may I add ) but most. When you bring a child in the world, you should be able to support it, have a house, a solid relationship, and the money to deal with what ever may arise. At that time you were not ready, so please dont beat yourself up over this. You have dealt with this the best you can, and your still together at the moment. Try not to take it all out on him, he could be suffering too, but not in the way you would like. Men are not the same as us women, they have a different way of thinking and dealing with things, it dont mean he dont care, he just dont know how to express it like you do .
Mandy xx
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A
male
reader, oneguy +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Maam, the Motherly love you feel for your child is noble. I do feel your pain. However, the world is a cold hard place and love is necessary but not sufficient.Abortion is not wrong. You did the right thing. Life is not just about birth and death. It's about what is in between those two. With no savings, no support, no commitment from your partner, how can anyone bring up a child? Doesn't a child deserve a loving family? Do you know how much a child suffers from a lack of familial support and care?It would be utterly unfair to the child.So, please don't regret what you did. Life is not a set of cells that make up a physical body. Learn this well. We have a Sanskrit saying "RuNaanu bandha ruupeNa, pathi, pathni, sutha, aalaya". The world is a manifestation of one's debt to another, over multiple births. The law of Karma is ineluctable. Belief cannot change that, all it can do is affect your future action for better or for worse. Your child who is supposed to be born to you has merely been asked by you to wait a little longer for a brand new body. Your baby is your baby in all of time, in all of the worlds, and nobody, absolutely nobody, can stop that bond from forming. Abortion or no abortion. Realize that.I can't help but laugh when I see people wax eloquent about life, labeling it "Pro-life", but don't bat an eyelid when indulging in wanton killing of animals for food when it is completely avoidable. Life is life. If they were truly conscious of life, they would feel pain and love for all life forms. Hypocrisy laden ignorant evil doers with utterly no knowledge of the laws of nature and creation, that's what these anti-abortionists are. How backward.Oh and yes. Sexting while having a girlfriend? Dump your boyfriend. Such BS guys just don't deserve to exist.Chin up, look ahead, set your life in motion, desire deeply and purely, and get ready to start a family with an awesome man who loves you for what you are and whom you love too.All the best Miss!Regards,
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 February 2012):
Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that's easy for me to say, but if I had been presented the same circumstances you were in at the time you had to make a decision, I would have done the same.
My best friend also had an abortion for similar reasons (and she was much too young: 16) and she also felt terrible. I think a lot of women do and I don't think the impact is to be underestimated. It's going to take a while to get over this, and you will. You just have to stop beating yourself down. Maybe even seek counseling to help sort out your feelings and give you that nudge to get going again.
As for your bf, I'm not trying to open old wounds but the sexting is a big red flag. Maybe he's sincere when he assures you he's stopped, or maybe he's just gotten better at hiding it. You'll never know. Do you fully trust him again now?
Also he may not be aware and/or fully understand your feelings on what happened. Have you really told him how you feel or do you simply expect for him to understand? Many young guys don't, in which case you have to enlighten him. Also, many guys say the "I'll support whatever you decide" because they think that's what you want to hear.
If you have clearly expressed your misery to him and this is reaction, I don't think he's the right man for you.
Again, don't beat yourself up. You used your brain instead of your heart and even if it hurts now, don't lose that ability to think rationally before deciding anything.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2012):
 Is there someone you can do some counseling with (perhaps your chaplin can suggest someone)
the first thing you have to do is FORGIVE YOURSELF is it possible you are angry with him becuase you are not allowing yourself to be angry with yourself?
I think that based on what you told us you made the best decision you could possibly make given the circumstances.
I'm not judging you as anything other than doing something clearly level headed no matter how HARD it was.
I am sorry for your loss truly.
I think that some personal therapy to work through your loss is important and if he's serious about you two being together some couples conseling to help you express your anger and disappointment to him is an idea worth considering.
Also perhaps this is how he grieves. I have two people in my office this week that lost family members (one a mother one a brother) and both of them are very private folks and DO NOT wish to discuss it at all.... I don't get that because i"m a very open person and would NEED to talk about it... but i have to respect how they grieve. It's their loss not mine...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): "He's saying he wants us to live together, start a family, can see us getting married. There's been no more sexting/betrayal from him. I don't know what to do with the negative feelings I have towards him at the moment."Channel your negative feelings into a constructive activity: Dump him. Ignore what he "says" and "sees," refresh your memory and recall what he "did" or more importantly "did NOT." If I recall, he "said" he loved you before, didn't mean it, no reason to believe him now, considering he acted like a total scumbag when you needed him most."I know a lot of it is about me feeling horrible about myself. But part of it is genuinely about how I feel towards him."Shouldn't feel horrible about yourself. Unfortunate circumstances, boyfriend not exactly a rock of strength, if you had continued pregancy bf would have likely asserted his right to "keep it" and you'd have brought a baby into the same bleak unstable impoverished living situation you knew was never viable option."What should I do?"Dump him. . . Hope that's what you WILL do.
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A
female
reader, orchid1990 +, writes (24 February 2012):
If you don't trust him, there's a reason why. His lack of support and faithfulness clearly indicate that perhaps his commitment levels are different to yours. I am so sorry for your loss, although you regret it, to bring a baby up in that environment would put enormous emotional strain on you. Don't place any more strain on yourself about the abortion - although it hurts you, it was what you wanted at the time and what was definitely right. You were incredibly selfless and no doubt anyone reading your article will respect you for that. If your boyfriends goal and aims in life are obviously not as tuned in to yours as maybe they once seemed, perhaps he is not perfect for you. No doubt he went through a period of sadness too but the fact that it didn't focus his attention on you and your relationship sends alarm bells off. His way of dealing with stress lacks the maturity and understanding you would probably want from a partner.Maybe you should lay low for a while: don't commit to this man just yet. To understand his real feelings you need to observe from a neutral perspective. I am sorry that you have been through this and I wish you all the best
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