A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I ended an affair with a married man 6 months ago. 2 days ago, I found out his son passed away at 21 yrs old 1 day ago. Although I avoid all contact with him, I feel bad for his lost. I want to know shld I call and give my condolences. Something is telling me not to especially since he has not made contact with me to tell me. My brother passed away 2 months ago and I never made a point to tell him mainly because he is not apart of my world anymore. He tried to contact me a month ago but I just ignored him. Not trying to be mean but what we did was wrong and not appropriate at all. I do feel heavy hearted about his child. Should I contact him on this issue or remain silent? I don't want to rekindle anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone's advice. I have decided to just be silent and pray for the MM and his family. At this time, it is nothing I can do. I'm not Jesus who can heal all hurts and pain. I have done enough damage just by getting involved with a MM. Maybe if we ever cross paths again, I will then personally say sorry. I can't take or risk myself getting involved in his emotions which will only make me emotional again. I have to be a women of my word and go on with my very own life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I also agree: i cannot comprehend female Anon suggesting a sympathy card of condolence: yes losing a child goes beyond an affair. I agree therefore the OP should stay away. His wife is going through insumountable pain, even a "friendly" gesture of condolence will pierce her heart even more. The callous nature of the affair is of paramount importance: the affair is over. The lies and half truths should be over. I firmly believe that u can be either friends or lovers, not both. So any friendly gesture will be construed as an attempt to derail this marriage with the hopes of getting the married man in her crutches again. (Sorry, harsh i know) Often it takes a life changing event to sort out our lives. Im hoping that this MM change his cheating ways finally and learn to do the right thing. If it takes the loss of his sons life to make him into a faithful hb again then thats a good sign.Anon female who went against the grain: u obviousy have not known people very close to u who have lost a child. My mother lost 2 kids when they were toddlers: i am told that she went through hell and back. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Female "anon", you didn't think about his wife... the *Mother* of the son who died. She needs her husband's support for her loss as well, and you're advising that this woman go contact him and take him from his wife's side where he belongs, facing and dealing with the sorrow together?? No matter what the state of the relationship, for him to even have an inkling of communication with another woman at this time is really really bad. Whatever his failings have been, he should console and be there 1000% for his wife and mother of his child.
That is callous. What if his wife found that sympathy card?! That would cause unimaginable pain to know that he received comfort from another woman during the absolute worst moment of her life.
And yes, this is the sort of vulnerability that can and does get taken advantage of way too often. She just closed the door on the affair, is keeping it shut, and this would blow it back wide open.
The relationship is over. Nothing would make it worse for a mother who lost her son than finding out that her husband was having an affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I completely disagree with everyone here. Since he tried to call you upon the death of your brother, I think you should at least make some sympathy gesture for the loss of his son. You don't have to call him but maybe send a sympathy card, or SOMETHING.Someone just lost their child, for crying out loud. And yet all people can see is "cheating", "affair", "respect their marriage"... this goes way beyond someone's marriage, losing a child is just about the worst experience a parent (regardless of marital status) can ever be faced with.You may not be affair partners anymore, but since you obviously DID know him I think it would completely wrong to not at least make a token gesture of condolence. There's no reason to have any further contact after you send a sympathy card. there's no reason that showing sympathy has to "lead to something more" as people here are so sure will be the case.Losing a child hardly puts someone in the frame of mind to start rekindling romance and I'm appalled that people would suggest that it does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Hi. I would leave it. He and his wife need to be there for each other at a time like this. Contacting him might aggravate things and would at best, only be offering cold comfort. You ended things for a good reason. Initiating contact now is not worth the risk of any trouble. They are grieving parents. Best not to trouble him.
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A
male
reader, FENNECH  +, writes (25 February 2012):
It is not going to make anything better for him. It is better leaving him alone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Remain silent. This is a hard enough time for him without you throwing yourself and all the shit that happened between you back into the mix.
You can offer your condolences at any time in the future there's no hurry.
So much bad shit is going on for him right now OP, the best thing you can do is leave him be with his family and not stir the hornets nest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): No no no. You realise what you did was wrong. So stay strong and forgive yourself. Unless a relationship has ended it is never okay to get in the way - they belong to each other unless it is officially over and they decide to go separate ways for good reason. Try and think of a 5 year plan to look forward to in your life It is not fair to take someone elses man out of lonliness and it is not right that he should try and keep 2 women. All the best to you for the nicest best future and so sorry about your brother I am sure good things are around the corner for you now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2012):
No contact. He has a wife with which to experience these life altering things with. No one's forcing you to contact him, and you both have broken up. Sometimes, you have to let go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): You may not want to rekindle your affair but seeing that he tried to make contact just recently means that he was seeking u out to do just that!
Losing a child is a very traumatic experience, sometimes parents do not recover from this loss. I assume his wife doesnt know that she had a cheating husband who lied to her while he was with you? Then can u imagine what she will feel/ go through if you both made so called "innocent" contact: just a sympathy hello, call me if you need anything, i am here if u need to talk..... And then the sex starts all over again.
If u really do not want to rekindle this affair then it is now not your place to "interfere". The simplist gesture from yourself will find yourself right back into the illicitness again. WHY? Bec it is sooo easy. You will become an outlet for his emotions and grief. You will become his shoulder to cry on. I commend you for not trying to use his sons death to get closer to the married man. I really do.
The MM and his wife need to deal with their grief together. Any "interference" /sympathy from you will tip the scales in your favour bec normally parents "blame" themselves. They guilt each other and they try to blame and then the "what if" scenario takes place. This sometimes pushes the hb and wife in different directions, each raw with pain but unable to comfort each other and unable to accept. This provides an ideal opportunity for a third party to userp feelings and have their own agenda. And then bam: separation and divorce.
OP u seem like a good person: thoughtful as well. You know your affair was wrong and u have made amends. Dont get caught up with him losing his son, your sympathies will turn to something else bec then this man will rely on your for ano emotional outlet. You do not want to go down this road again where lies, half truths and betrayal becomes the order of the day.
If you really want to do something then do this: say a prayer for BOTH HB AND WIFE, asking God to keep them in the palm of His hand, helping them heal and guiding them, helping their marriage survive this painful time. This will be your absolution from the affair. This will be your final fareful to this man and then Move On. Do not invest any more time and energy on him. Let it be!
Good luck.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 You have made the right decision to not have contact, however I can empathise with your feelings for him and his son. Find an alternate way to send your thoughts to him, some people would light a candle in a church, you could donate money to a cause in the son's name, write your feelings on a piece of paper and then burn it, sending the message sky ward or even some old fashioned praying for your ex lover's peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Hi,
Let me just say that I commend you on how you are thinking this through to both respect the fact that he has had a terrible loss and also to maintain that you will not rekindle anything again.
What I would do is not call. I would send a very generic sympathy card, whether it be e-card or physical card. Very simple, nothing promised or anything...just expressing condolences for his loss and that his family is in your prayers. End of.
Wishing you the best. And good job on changing the tone of things in your life.
Anastasia
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