A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've just found out that my boyfriend secretly spends a lot of money behind my back as he left his email account logged in and i had a sneek peek. He even bought lots of stuff on my b'day for himself! When talking about what he buys, he obviously white lies to me as he's told me about some but not the true extent. Why does he feel the need to hide it? He has also told me that he needs money to be happy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2013): If you both get full-time jobs in summer then you don't need to live at his mums do you. That just means he will live for less and so will you.Its not the real world is it so he still wont learn money skills nor will you. There is no answer to this as you want to stay with him so you have to put up with his retail therapy and stop nagging.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Frankly yours is a difficult position to be in. Apparently , you are having the concerns of a wife ( or maybe of a mom, as other posters have suggested ) , without having the status or the clout of one.
I am not implying that he does not like you or he does not love you, but , if when you ask him what's the future of your couple, he answers " I just want to be with you, I don't know what the future holds " well, it is surely nicer than saying you are Miss Right Now, then again it shows that he is not future oriented and he is far from sure that he'll share a future with you. Which cuts the legs to any intervention or pep talk or motivation you could come up with , in reference to your common future, because , from his point of view , if this commom future is only a very vague possibility, what are you butting in for ?
Why should he change his money management and spending habits for you ? Or ( once he has reimboursed you your loan ! ) why should he be accountable to you for his expenses ?
I think the best you can do for now, as other posters have suggested, is definitely step back and let him learn on his own. Maybe , learn the hard way, if his parents eventually get tired to bail him out. But for the moment, just STOP lending him money, stop worrying about HIS rent, that's between him and the landlord, stop worrying about w his debt with dad , that's between the two of them, stop nagging, stop being his manager and his mommy. Just protect your cash , and do not bail him out .
Step back , and observe what happens. Maybe he'll find some brilliant system to earn more and sort himself out, maybe he'll understand on his own the need for better money skills, maybe he'll learn the hard way and he'll be forced by circumstances out of his control to swim or drawn. Or, more probably... nothing will change, he'll keep being unreliable and self centered with money ( and his parents will keep subsidize him ), at which point, IF you'll still be together , you can decide if his other good qualities make up for his poor budgeting skills, or if he is too much of a risky bet as a steady partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous for random suggestion! :p A holiday sounds like a very good idea. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to save with my part times jobs and college. But I definitely will try and do it as I think it would help as you say.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Random suggestion here, but I think it might be good for you both to go on a short holiday somewhere together. My boyfriend and I did that and agreed to pool our money while we were away. It was honestly such a good indicator of how we both are with money, a bit like a trial run. He is much more careful with money than me (to almost miserly levels at times ha!), and we did clash at the start due to our different styles. Thankfully we managed to sort it out and we now live together with very few issues, but it could easily have gone the other way too. I'd highly recommend it as a way to see how you match money wise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso, he buys things online that have a buy now pay later deal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous, I hang around because he doesn't borrow extortionate amounts. also he borrows from his Dad and doesn't own a credit card.
The reason why I stay is because I've had a few relationships and am happy I've found someone with a good heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to correct myself. I called my boyfriend, as he's away at the moment, and asked if he meant what he said and he said he didn't say he's going to stop borrowing money, and meant instead he's not going to ask favours from people. He also said that he borrows money for the rent, which is his piority. I'm getting really confused about how bad he's with money, as i don't know how much he earns and when, which is none of my business and may have lead to me misunderstanding his piorities and how much he can spend on himself.He got defensive and annoyed talking about money as he hates talking about it, especially over the phone as he hates that too, and said we'll talk tomorrow when he gets back.I tried to be calm and was asking him questions. The conversation led me to asking what he wants with our future as I feel that being together for over 13 months, he must have some want with our relationship. He didn't exactly calm down and we misunderstood each other a lot, until he said that he just wants to be with me and doesn't know what the future holds. Again, he said we can continue the conversation tomorrow.Hmm..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Nothing you can do. If he bought your present & spent on himself when he owes rent money, you money and his dad money.He needs you all to say "NO" in future or he won't bother changing.
What is his Credit Card bill like?
If his rent is not paid he will get kicked out.Again his problem.
You cannot control him though or MAKE him get a new job.He has to live as HE chooses.
You already know he is not husband material for you so why do you stick around?
Why do you lend him money?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo So Very Confused,I like the sound of how you live, and wouldn't mind being the money manager as I'm good with money and enjoy working with it. But as you said, we're not that far into our relationship to do that. And after you wrote don't be his mommy, i realised i have been in a few ways! He even comments on how his mother and I have the same advice and opinions for him haha. It's sad to think that i agree that our relationship isn't his piority. I don't know how much this is to do with the fact that i'm his first girlfriend at 24 and that he's used to be surrounded by money and now he's skint living with me. Even more so after going to uni as he is overdrawn by £1500. The thing is, I don't know if he'd be better if he got a proper job, as he only works part time at the moment. This i think creates a circle...he gets behind on rent, flat mate moans, he gets annoyed, borrows and buys something and again gets behind on next months rent... The amount he owes to everyone goes up and down on a scale and at the moment it's better than it was last month( that i know of ha).We both said we will look for full time jobs in July as that's when i finish college and we'll both move out of the flat as we hate living with our flat mate, and move in with his mother.I think he's realised what he's doing as i just spoke to him and he said on his on accord he doesn't want to ask anything from anyone anymore. If i remember correctly he also said it's because he hates being nagged constantly by everyone. Do you think it's a good idea to give him a reasonable time limit to pay me back?Also, i'm definitely not going to give him any more money. To iAmHereToHelpYou,Obviouly those words are easier said than done as i do care for him and no one is perfect.And you nailed him on the head, when he was younger, he got everything he ever wanted and is still used to that as his Dad lends him money. Personally, i think i will try to see what happens in the near future before doing anything rash.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Wow! You've got a good one there. Sounds like you've got a whole lot of happiness down the road in your life together. Imagine being married to someone like this.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 I love follow-ups! Thank you OP… more info to work with… HUGE red flags here honey…
He can’t deal with delayed gratification (spending more to keep himself happy in the short term is a sign of this) Sadly if he can’t cope with delayed gratification (most toddlers can’t and some older folks never learn how to. I have a disable adult child that can’t cope with it) giving him “something to look forward to at the end of the week” is not going to work.
You two are not married and fighting over money already… NOT a good thing either… You will either have to be the money manager and give him an allowance or you will constantly be on the verge of being broke. BTDT. I have severe money management issues. Always have. RESENTED my first husband’s control of the money as he was overly tight about it… Until I met my current husband and we combined funds and he became the financial manager, I lived paycheck to paycheck and I make a VERY good living. Now we have a nice chunk of change in the bank and I still do not want for much… BUT I set it up willingly that on Fridays I get home and hand him every receipt I have from the week… and he in turn hands me his (not that I need to see his but he felt it was fair for both of us). So we go over our weekly expenses. NOTHING in our home is purchased by EITHER of us without first discussing it with the other and ALL funds are shared. This works for us. It can’t really work for you as a girlfriend…. But it’s something to consider if you want to be more than a girlfriend with this guy.
You snooped… ok… I get your reason. It’ may explain it but it does not actually excuse it. (I think you know this) IF he’s late with the rent it’s up to the guy who owns the flat to deal with him. It’s not your responsibility to make sure he pays his rent or find out why he has not or cannot. YOU are not his mommy. DO not take on a parental role with a partner. That’s never a good sign or a good thing. Yes I baby my guy now and then… and now and then he babies me… but we don’t parent each other. I may nag him about a getting a doctors appointment and he may nag me to remember to get my mammogram but he’s not making the appointment for me… You can remind your guy that the rent is due next week… do you have it? If he says “no” or gets defensive (because he knows he’s wrong and he’s feeling attacked by the mere question), that’s a RED FLAG…. The rules have to be rent, utilities, food first… everything else second…. And if he can’t delay his desires for everything else and would rather default on the rent, well then that says what’s important to him. HE IS. NOT you. NOT your RELATIONSHIP.
I guess it’s awkward if you live in the same place but pay 1/3 each. What will happen when flat owner has to toss boyfriend out for lack of payment? Will you go too? Why would you do that? Maybe boyfriend needs to move home with daddy?
You find him selfish…. He owes YOU money already. He’s late on his rent, he borrows money from daddy.
You say “I find it hard to motivate him” well why would YOU need to MOTIVATE HIM? Motivation is internal. HE has to motivate himself. He has to want it. He doesn’t feel the need if his dad bails him out… or you lend him money or flat owner lets him slid and be late…. This is not the real world. He’s not behaving as a responsible adult.
Do you want to be his mommy forever?
Do you want to worry about where your rent money is forever?
What happens if you get married and have a child and you are not working for a bit? Do you want to worry about the cost of diapers… and formula and day care???
His behavior is not weird… but it is childish and self-absorbed. AND there is probably nothing you can do to fix it. Sadly I suspect it will be the death of your relationship eventually.
I recommend you get back the money he owes you and YOU NOT BAIL HIM OUT EVER. You will fight. He will cry. He will accuse you of not caring of hating him etc… all things designed to play on your guilt and your caretaking…
IF YOU TRULY LOVE THIS GUY and you really care about what happens to him, you need to let him fall on his face. Not warm comforting words… but words from someone who has BTDT on both sides of the wallet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): How do you know he is keeping it a secret? I don't tell my boyfriend about everything I buy and I don't think he would be interested tbh. Why do you want to know about everything he buys?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): How excessive is it because it could be that he has a problem and is addicted to it. And if this is the case then he has to be honest and admit that has a problem and go and talk to someone about it. But he might not admit it straight away so you might need to give him some tough
love if he wont admit it and say that you can't put up with this any longer and leave him awhile and even though it might be tougher if you leave it and then it will get worse and the strain on your relationship will probably cause you to break up anyway do you need to try and find out if this is the case.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, much appreciated!I definitely see the logic of him spending more to keep himself happy for the short term as we've been arguing a lot. I will try to give him something to look forward to at the end of the week :) And i also agree that he's hiding it as i moan about the white lies about what he spends already!There is a reason for why i snooped and it's because he's late behind his rent ( our friend owns the flat and we pay a third each) and instead of borrowing money for rent, he did it for himself which i find selfish as it causes arguments naturally. He also owes me some money aswell :/ He only recently started borrowing a lot more from his Dad than usual and his income is the same. I find it hard to motivate him as he's pretty stubborn about where he would like to work, and i tell him it would make me happy if he got another job but doesn't :(. Anything i can do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2013):
So you want to understand… you want to understand why he borrows money from his dad and buys himself stuff on your birthday? BECAUSE HE CAN!
I don’t think it’s weird.
I admit if I walk by my husband’s computer (we have our own computers in our home) I will look to see what’s up on the screen… BUT I do not go digging for things… but then I have no need to as I trust my husband. And he knows this and has no secrets. I have all his passwords so he’s not hiding something.
IF your boyfriend HIDES this from you, well then he knows it’s a problem. IF he just does not tell you, that’s his choice, he’s your boyfriend not your husband or fiancé. I would think that his inability to budget his own money and the need to borrow from dad to buy excessively would be a concern should you decide to be more than just boyfriend and girlfriend. IN FACT, his excessive spending of money he does not have (whether on you or himself) is a red flag for adulthood…. Not a good thing.
IF you were sneaking, you must suspect something that makes you uncomfortable and I think you need to address that issue as well.
WHAT he does at this point is really not anything you can comment on, and his relationship with his dad is what it is… My mom used to give me money… my hubby at the time was working, I was a SAHM and had no cash and my mom would take the kids and me out for meals sometimes or give me 20 dollars (in the early 80s that was a nice amount) a couple of times a week so I could get some things.
Sadly my mom and dad always bailing me out did me no favors… and It took me a long long time to become a fiscally responsible adult. I think that would be my biggest concern with your boyfriend and his adherence to the first national bank of daddy…..
Also for me, would you have been this upset and concerned had he spent the money on a day NOT your birthday? How much of this is being pissed that he didn’t get you something?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Hi
No it's not weird at all, nor is the fact he spent money on himself on your birthday. He got you a birthday present so he didn't forget it did he.
If I saw something I liked while buying a present for somebody,I would get it for myself.Its really not an issue.
As for owing his Dad,thats their arrangement,their business.
If your not happy with how he is with money already then you need to decide if you have a future
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Not sure this is totally harmless. Not that there's really anything you can do, but sometimes people can develop shopping addictions where they buy and buy and buy and get themselves into financial trouble. Normally it affects women, but it can affect men too occasionally. If he's in financial trouble to go shopping, that can be a worrying sign.
Even when people aren't addicted, sometimes when people are feeling unhappy they buy things to make themselves feel better. Like if they don't feel like they have much to look forward to during the week, the whole planning the purchase, making the purchase, waiting for it, can sometimes substitute those feelings for a few days.
Mentioning it won't help, he'll get angry you were looking at his email. But what can help is to encourage him to have more things to look forward to throughout the week. The easiest one is to have him sign up for a class, like maybe he's always wanted to do woodworking, or cooking, or you two could take a dance class, etc... Maybe he could sign up for some kind of team sport, something like that. That will help him replace the unhealthy thing he looks forward to with a healthy one. Sure most people go out shopping occasionally as a pick me up or to celebrate something, but it sounds like his has become excessive.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 February 2013):
Unwise it may be, but weird , why ? I'd say it's very common instead . All the Western society , at the end of the day, is based upon buying things you don't need with money you don't have. Why do you think they have invented credit cards for ?
He hasn't told you, to avoid questioning ,arguments and criticism. He knows or imagines that you don't agree with his spending, and does not want to have to defend it or justify it( for which, I can't blame him, since, as of now, his spending habits can't be your concern, and if he owes to his dad... that's between him and his dad ).
If you are worried that his spending may go out of control in a compulsive , pathological way, or that it may affect the present or future of your couple, - then you'll have to discuss this with him and explain him and motivate your worries. Otherwise,you should stay out of this, money matters are private.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, this is not about whether or not I think it's right or wrong what he does. I don't want to talk to him about this, I just want to understand.
I'm just wondering if anyone else thinks this behavior is weird? he doesn't have the money and borrows from his dad.
and again, I think it's weird he spent money he doesn't have on himself on my birthday.
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female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Maybe he hides it because he feels that you might get angry knowing he spends money on himself instead of you? Have you asked him why yet? I think he should spend how he likes but if you plan on becoming financially linked to him you should definitely discuss spending and budgeting before you commit yourself to him. He is obligated to ensure he shares as much financially as you do.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2013):
Hi
A) you shouldn't be sneaking looks at his emails
B) unless it's your money he is spending it has nothing to do with you what or how much he buys.
Do you live together and if so is he not paying his contribution to bills ? If no to this, then he can do as he pleases.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2013):
 do you have a joint bank account? if not, then it's absolutely none of your business what he buys and when.
if you do have a joint account, then call him out and tell him you have a problem with all the things he's spending money on.
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