A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone...im in alot of confusion and disbelief...ok so on monday the 26th my wife used my credit card to send money to some guy names Ivan...so i texted my 2 of my sisters and asked them to ask her what was going on cause i tried texting and texting her and she wouldnt reply...anyway...had the money stopped...anyway i talked with my wife and had everything figured out...and i was like ok we were fighting but we just needed time to cool off... well her and my sis had a terrible huge argument...said things about my family and things about her family...i mean some terrible things...things that i feel offended of what they both said about each other...anyway my wife said she wants a divorce now and this all just happened today...but i told her i am willing to save our marriage...if we just let things cool down and i wont contact her for a couple of weeks ( i am currently deployed by the way)...she said no that i can thank my sister for losing her...i talked with my sister and she admits she got a little out of hand she said she was a lil drunk when this all happened. but my sis said she sure everything will be back to normal...but my wife is on a Power trip...tripping about everything my sis said...and im kinda hurt from it all i never wanted this to go this way and everything just got out of control...my wife doesnt want me texting her no more...she said she done with me...she said my sis is F***ed up and things wont be the same...please i am very saddened by all of this...i admit i shouldnt have text my sister but i had no choice who else was i gonna ask for help? but i regret everything about this...i just want everything back to normal again...what should i do...help me please!!!!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 I think she's using your sister as an excuse to end a marriage she was probably contemplating ending in the first place. What I'm wondering is why was she sending money to this man? Did she ever explain that one to you? Regardless of what your sister said to her, this argument is between you and her, not the sister. Marriages don't break up over a sister who gets drunk and spouts her mouth. That is a smoke-screen in my opinion. There's a much bigger issue going on with your wife. I suspect she was cheating with this guy, and just needed a reason to end the marriage.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (31 January 2010):
You need to think with your head right now, not with your heart. We all know that the Ivan story is implausable because she could have asked her mother, your sisters or even her friend, Ivan's 'girlfriend' to get it. Or why didn't she text you that she was going to give this guy money? But if it helps you cope right now then go with the story. Just tell her that you would like to hear from her everyday... As far as cheating, from your additional comments its possible that Ivan is a drug dealer. I don't know many women who pay boyfriends but I'm sure there are many buying drugs. It always shocks me how a soldier can stand their ground being fired at everyday but when when it comes to women in their lives, one sentence is all it takes to break them down. I honestly don't understand why women can be so selfish sometimes. There's not much else you can do except ask your mother in law to keep an eye on her; 20 is very young. As for you, you don't have much power over anything while you are over there so only do the little you can to keep communicating with her and sort this out when you get home.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (31 January 2010):
You really need to step back and figure out if when you saw "you want everything back to normal" is it NORMAL? Or is your wife one of those women who's normal is an abnormal that you've come to understand? In other words, is the shit she puts you through normally WARM enough to feel comfortable while you're sitting in it? It took me a while (after I went thought a divorce) to understand that my ex was such a manipulative nut, and I'd become comfortable with all the insanity. When she changed flavors of insanity, it felt weird. I pressed her, she left... best thing she ever did for me... life is 1000x better now, but felt like crap in the middle of it all...Take an objective look at how she treats you- is she worth it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so i spoke to her about IVAN and she said it was one of her freinds man. she lost her ID and she needed someone to pick up the money with a Valid ID. I asked why didnt she tell me she was sending money( or els I would've understood) she said the reason why she didnt answer me is because i was Sleeping. i wasnt sleep she didnt even bother to text me not even once that whole day. but anyway she let me talk to this girl who she said was Ivans girl and she confirmed yes she is Ivans girl and that she was only trying to help my wife out, since she does not have a ID. and the argument. My Wife sent a Text to my sister asking her to stay out of our business. then I dont know how but they were both drunk and things got intense. All of this was going on while i was sleeping i woke up check my offline messages then BAM i got a text saying'You can thank your sister for losing me things are not going to be the same" I was in shock!!! I was Nervous, i could barely type, i was stressing, i was sad....ect. well i talk with my wifes mom for a long time...(she is very nice to me and accepts that im Family) anyway i had all these mixed feelings and she said i could call her..so i did...we talked for almost 5hrs...i mean i have not even talked that long to my own wife...Well she told me my Wife has been Gone for a Week, she left her baby(my step son) with her and she been out drinking and I tHINK doing Drugs. i was again in total shock...her mom is a very nice women and she gonna talk with my wife about me...(She likes me alot) see all i did was provide for my wife financialy and been nice to her (We did have our arguments though) she very upset and says i have every right to be mad at my wife for doing this. now my wife has been away for a week now, she only 20 im 25 so i can understand she may be a lil young. Buts it tearing me apart, iwanna cry, her mom is there for me and said i can call her anytime, i said thanks i would be a wreck without her. So i dont know I LOVE MY WIFE very deeply and my heart is sobbing and my mind is going in all directions. what to do? I wanna cry but i cant this pain inside me wont release tears it just stays in one spot and tortures me emotions im so lost....help....me....please....
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Why was she sending some guy called Ivan money?
Why was her and your sister arguing?
What the argument have to do with you? Why is she gonna leave you because she's upset with your sister?
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Some women, needing to feel a bit of emotional security, won't leave a man and then find another, they build a bridge from one relationship to the next.
If you ask me "Ivan" is on the other side of the crossing. Something is already going on, and that is why she found it so easy to say she wants a divorce when an opportunity presented itself to attribute the blame for it to anything but the truth that would implicate her as the bad guy.
It seems all through this she has not even had the decency to explain who Ivan is. If there was nothing underhand to it, then surely an explanation could have cleared the matter up without it escalating to this point. Instead she has deflected away from the original issue and brought up everything else but the answer to what set all this is motion, and given herself an exit clause in the process.
As other have said, put a freeze on your assests to make sure you come home to some - sign a temporary power of attorney to someone trusted if you have to. I would advise not yor sister tho, she clearly did not handle round one productively. If it turns out she wants to run off with another man, then let Ivan foot the bill until you guys sort the financial situation out.
Sorry, ..but I really do think all the indications are that cheating is exactly what is going on.
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A
female
reader, curious0hot +, writes (31 January 2010):
 Well, she still may cool down. Try to call her, but also email her (physical proof) and tell her how you still want to stay together. If she doesn't reply or still refuses to work on things, tell her she needs to move out and stop supporting her financially. You should protect your assets in any way you can. I know many things are jointly-held when you're married.She is being extremely selfish right now, and you shouldn't feel sorry or guilty. Things should usually be kept within the marriage. However, she stopped replying, and you're miles away.
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A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (31 January 2010):
hey, like you said, everything just happened today. all of you are just upset and talking non-sense. like you said, all you guys need is time to cool off. so cool off. she will call you when she is ready. believe me all that talk about divorce is crap, it's never going to happen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (31 January 2010):
 I have to agree with everybody else who has answered so far, why was your wife sending money to this other man?
ANd it seems to me she is using the fight with your sister as an excuse to blame you (by extension) for the divorce.
Take care of your assets, it would appear from your letter that she has no morals when it comes to sharing your hard earned wealth, transfer as much as you can so she cant access, get onto a lawyer, give somebody other than sis permission to approach banks on your behalf,
show your wife you will not be intimidated and take it from there
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (31 January 2010):
Your wife is manipulating your dependancy on her. She is the one in the wrong and she needs to explain WTH Ivan is and why he is getting the money you are dicing with death to earn. So give her space for a couple of weeks. If you keep calling and apologizing then she has the upper hand. Unless you have a child then stop giving her access to your money until you have ironed everything out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
The lady doth protest too much, as was once written. The point being your wife is doing a serious amount of blaming everyone else without taking her own actions into account. Firstly, stop regretting. This isn't really your fault. Your wife is one a power trip here, and she's the one sending money to another guy. Why did she do that?
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