A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i am dating an older man in his 60's. we have been dating 2years, 2 months. he is wonderful to me but he will not get engaged to me. however, if his two older children want him to do something or have a need, it only takes 1 minute for him to respond. it ticks me off to know that he knows that my wish and dream is to get engaged. i get so angry when this happens. he tells me that he loves me but i doubt his love when he ignores my wishes. what should i do??
View related questions:
engaged, older man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (18 February 2007):
 I think you need to separate the offspring and your relationship with him.
His children may very well have always come first in his life but his relationship with you is a completely different entity.
You need to examine this situation a little closer with him.
From my point of view I would drop him like a hot potato. If he is not willing to make a commitment to you, you don't need him.
I have told others, there are lots of guys out there that are willing to treat women like a queen, as every woman should be treated.
Now go and find YOUR Prince Charming. Doc.
A
female
reader, luvme247 +, writes (18 February 2007):
 I don't think that the relationship that he has with his kids has anything to do with the relationship that he has with you & I don't think that the two should be compared. I think that as a father he should be there for them & their needs & you should be there for them as well. You should work on building your relationship with them rather then being jealous of them & their relationship that they have with their father. I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, I just think that it will help you and will make the relationship that you have with their father stronger in the end. If he doesn't want to get married you can't bug him about it or it will just push him further away from you. He may be content with just being your boyfriend & you have to decide if that is going to be good enough for you or not. You don't want to waste your time with him if you are looking for a marriage & he isn't. You just have to decide if this relationship is worth having if he is not ready for that sort of committment. Good luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (17 February 2007):
 It`s probably not what you want to hear, but here goes.... This man, in his sixties, has adult children, whom he obviously loves very much; and although he loves you very much too, 2 years is really not that long time. Ask yourself this; if this man, with adult children, didn`t have much time for them, what sort of man would he be? They obviously mean a lot to him, which is how it should be, and when we hear so much of absent fathers, and fathers who don`t care, I think this is admirable. Please please please do not feel rejected or "second best", as this is surely not the case. This man cares very much for you, and at this age, being engaged / making plans to marry is very very different than when in the 30`s, 40`s, and even 50`s. The love he has for you is in no way dimished because he has children, and vice versa. Please see this man for what he is; a Good man, who cares deeply for his children; and if he didn`t, you wouldn`t have respect & love for him! I would love to see you building a relationship too with his children, as an extension of your love for this man; and you may be suprised at how well you all get on together! Maybe the children will suggest to their dad that you`re such a gem that he should propose to you! At the end of the day, his children love him, and if they see you make him happy, as you do, then they will want you two to be together. Please let me know how you get on, Best Wishes and Love from Heather.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): Well when you look at it like that, he is choosing them over you...of course you will never be happy as it has already been established that he is there for his children and he has them as a high priority; which isn't wrong. So few men are this for their children so what a blessing they have in knowing their Dad is reliable and a good and loving parent.
It is just how he is when it comes to this matter so why beat a dead horse? You choose to accept this about him or you don't. And it is obvious you don't.
Asking him to change, which he has probably been this way for years, and asking him to put you first and your happiness is conditional on it...no wonder you are unhappy and unsatisfied and left feeling like you don't matter.
Has he discussed why he may not want to be engaged? He may have made a promise to himself years ago and being he seems to be very responsible, very honest, very matter of fact, very all the reasons why you want a life with him, which you can have just not on your timeline so...is this truly something you are unwilling to compromise on? He may not want to compromise either so...what will you do now?
He isn't ignoring your wishes. He is entitled to have his reasons and you are entitled to disagree with them as they don't bring you what you want. He is entitled to say...on this, I am not prepared to budge. This isn't him disrespecting you or lying to you.
You asked, he answered. You just don't like the answer Sweetie.
In the end, you decide if you accept it or not and you get to choose to continuing seeing it as a negative and what you are being robbed of.
When you are in this frame of mind; you yourself are robbing yourself of so much joy.
I wish you the Best.
*Hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 The more you go on about wanting to get engaged to him the more set in his ways he'll be! Try some reverse psychology on him. Say to him one night... "you know honey, I've been thinking, getting engaged is a silly idea, I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need anything like that in a relationship." Plant the seed then let him think about it! He'll think a million different things... is there someone else? Is she going off me? How can I be sure and keep her? What if she meets someone else? What if I lose her?
Let him toy it over in his mind for a bit and I guarantee HE'LL come up with the "engagement" idea all by himself thinking it is HIS idea! ;o) GIRL POWER!!! lol
Eve
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2007): Simple - Leave him for a younger man...somebody who loves you enough to make you happy. If you both want different things and you don't feel important then don't live in hope, walk away and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sam23 +, writes (17 February 2007):
Hi there,
It sounds like you want to your boyfriend to commit to your relationship by getting engaged but he is reluctant to do this. However, you also see that he is very commited to his children, and you wonder why he cannot show you the same commitment and love.
Did this appear to be the case at the beginning of your relationship? If so, did you enter into this relationship hoping to change your boyfriend? If the answer to this is yes, then consider the distrust he might feel if this is your behaviour. Would you be willing to marry under pressure to do so?
You say that he loves you, but you doubt his love - are there any other ways your boyfriend can show his love, apart from marriage?
It sounds as if you are feeling insecure about your legitimate place in your boyfriend's life. However, it is unlikely that his relationship with you and his children would be different if you were married. Considering this, ask yourself what you really hope to gain from this relationship. You say that he is wonderful - is that enough?
Good Luck !
...............................
|
