A
female
age
30-35,
*ca9130
writes:So, i've been searching on google about giving ultimatums and all of them are related to getting married and stuff. Mine is way more simple. Basically, our stone in the path of our two year relationship has been his constant closure towards love and communicating his feelings. So when he gets mad he doesn't say anything, he just shuts down, becomes this cold and sour man and then I have to actually confront him and tell him to talk. We talk, I listen but it hasn't solved anything. He says that he doesn't deserve me, that I love him too much (what?!) and this is how I realize that he's been deprived of love all his life. This is actually his first long term stable relationship in 27 years. Nevertheless, yesterday I had it. It really annoys me that i've told him hundreds of time that he must talk in order to solve our issues and i explained to him that his attitude's starting to affect me personally. When I ask him why does he feel this way, why can't you open yourself to love, he only answers: I don't know. For millions of conversations, i've stood there and listened and let him ventilate, but it's been two years and finally I asked him: what is the longest someone should put up with this? He said: I don't know. I told him he should know, he's not a teenager anymore, he should understand his feelings better and know that he can trust me. I told him he should have a self examination of his life and feelings, that if he didn't do it alone, life would force him to do it and it would hurt a thousand times more. He said that he was a lonely wolf and he didn't need self examination and that he didn't need support and people. Heck, i even went into explaning him that humans aren't wolves and we live in communities and people have partners because it's easier to go through this heck of a life with a team partner than going alone. He said he wasn't a team player. So i gave him the ultimatum: you can't be with me and be alone at the same time, choose. He didn't want me to leave, but I felt he had to wake up, realize that i can't be in a loving relationship with a guy that can't understand love. I told him i wouldn't call, it was all in his hands. I left reminding him of our beginnings and the love we felt. I'm afraid this little break will push him away, but i need to think about myself first. I hope he realizes that a life without love is really gray and aweful and that he calls me back to tell me he's going to make a bigger effort since he doesn't want to live without love. Heck, i told him i didn't even want him to say: lets get married! All i want is for him to start a journey of findig deeper knowledge about love and about himself. I told him we could do this together, but it's all in his hands now.
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female
reader, cca9130 +, writes (21 October 2014):
cca9130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy Cares and Jls022: thanks for your answers, wow...it really left me speechless. I understand better now my problem and how to slowly work it out. During these two years I always tried to tune it down, tried to be in the middle ground...i thought I was sacrificing a part of myself but I still did it for the relationship, for him to feel better and for me to mature. Sometimes he was heartwarming, sometimes he wasn't. I understand that, if we get back together, I will learn to tolerate way more his way of solving problems (to close down and be cold) BUT I think the common ground is: I wont have my heart on my sleeve as much, but you must talk to me or at least WARN ME when you're feeling angry. This is why I got so frustrated and gave the ultimatum (a harsh and impulsive decision I can see now). I can also relate to what you say about my personality Cindy (OMG I TAKE PICTURES OF MY FOOD ALL THE TIME) and I'll take this lonely time to also think about this part of me that constantly needs validation. THANKS GUYS!!! This website is the best. I shall update you about the result. If he decides to never speak again, at least I shall know better when another man tries to woo me, and if he does want to solve things (PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE) I will let him ventilate things and tell him what I learned about myself and what I think is our common ground.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 October 2014):
 No, you are not screwed. This may be an excellent occasion to realize that a ) it's not all about love feelings and attraction- with the best feelings and the best intentions, if you are incompatible... well, you are incompatible - or- b ) that you can BECOME compatible if you both make an effort and you BOTH realize that you take too much for granted , i.e. that your own way to love , to react to stuff and to communicate is THE way.
I mean, he gets mad at you because he does not understand why you are upset by certain things. But you are even : on turn, you do not understand, you seem to have no inkling at all, why is he annoyed / frustrated / irritated by certain behaviours of yours.
I'll tell you why : because you effusiveness, extroversion, being ( over? ) emotional , unfiltered and heart-on-your - sleeve may be delightful, heartwarming and endearing for some men, and not so for others. It's not that the way you are is good and his is bad or faulty, you are just different.
For instance, I think, it's not really about the dog. I don't think he resents or challenges your loving your dog ! Maybe it's your attitude toward handling grief or loss, that he has trouble with. Something tells me that you bring up your concerns about the dog quite often, quite strongly and quite emotionally. And what he basically means, I guess, is not " F..k your dog ", it is : Ok, so you may have to go through a loss. Guess what , to some major or major extent, that's part of life. Everybody has to go through losses, losses of love, of a parent, of a pet, of a job, etc..Yes, you will suffer . Yes, you will miss what's lost. Yes, you will cry. It's just an unpleasant but unavoidable part of human experience. BUT, you will handle it somehow. You will come through it eventually. Life will go on, love will go on, you will heal , there will ALWAYS be other things in your life to make it worthwile and even joyous, beside your beloved pet. So why choosing to focus on the negative of this possible loss- even before that has happened. Why dipping your emotional bread, so to speak, into it ?.
" He does not understand why I want to share everything that happened to me during the day ". Well, to be perfectly honest, I would not understand it either. It would make uncomfortable and- bored.As if you were constantly pulling my sleeve for attention. Or as if you needed a witness to FEEL and validate all your emotions. As if you lived your life for sharing it and advertising it and making it " exterior ", rather than for feeling it and living it at a deeper level.. You know, like those people that for some reason HAVE to take pics of all the dishes they eat and circulate them. It's not " wrong ", but it is... puzzling,why do they do this ?
Now it sounds as if I am having a go at you, OP, but I am not . In fact, I realize that your being so open, so generous with yourself, so transparent with your emotions, so giving, makes you a nice person anyway, and a wonderful friend and a fantastic lover... for some people.
But not for others . And not necessarily those others are anaffective, heartless, cold fishes, or " unable to love ". They have different views , different needs in terms of closeness and intimacy . They can love ( at least, I speak for myself :) I can love and I DO love , and fiercely too ! - but without an interest for giving or receiving a running commentary of every moment or mood in their life or mine ). You love in a fusional, no-space-allowed-way, that's very honest, intense and romantic, but ...may not be his way. In turn, it does not mean he does not know what love is or he has a closed heart, - he just expresses it and likes to receive it in a different way .
Now you have given an ultimatum, a" my way or the highway ", so I don't know how it will go. FWIW, I think it could have been, and it could be ,all solvable, meeting half way. Without either of you having to change radically.
Like, he learns to be more patient, more tolerant , more accepting, less critical of your quirks and foibles ( or, what he sees as such ). And you... you tune it down. You accept that he needs a bit more physical , emotional, mental space for himself. And that maybe he is the type who, when there are issues, needs a few days to process them and think them over in his head , rather than go for an immediate session of bare-it-all.
On the other hand, maybe you are right. You know what partner you need, you know whar you can't do without in a relationship, so if you feel you need someone who's more like you, more effusive, more talkative, more direct, more emotional... well, you know what you need. But in this case , I think he is not the person for you. People can't really change their true nature, only make little adjustments. And they can't , and should not , change it because they got an ultimatum. I am afraid that you want him to be ... someone who basically he is not, that's the real problem. But good luck anyway and let us know how it worked out.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (21 October 2014):
I think you were a bit harsh on him, but at the same time I couldn't be with one of those people who just shuts down and refuses to speak when he is angry at me either. I expect the person I'm with to deal with these situations rather than letting me stew and sometimes not know what he's even mad about. I'd also be gutted if I was with someone who couldn't support him who couldn't support me when I was going through a hard time. How often do you ask him to discuss this with you? Could it be that he doesn't know how to help you as he's said all he feels he can on the subject?
Basically, I agree that you need to make allowances for him and how he is, but he also should do the same for you too. There will be a middle ground somewhere if you are both willing to try to find it. If not then I think this is just a compatibility issue unfortunately.
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A
female
reader, cca9130 +, writes (21 October 2014):
cca9130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, i understand all of your affirmations, maybe I was too rough on him. I also left out some important details about our relationship, but that's okay. So basically i'm screwed then....because i already took this decision. I was supporting, i hugged him, i cried with him when he was sad, i helped him through his troubled times, but now i can't even have support from my boyfriend when my pet is diyng? Then what does a boyfriend do if it isn't to support you on your worst and be happy with you on your best?
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (20 October 2014):
 You can't bully or manipulate a man into opening his heart and telling you every thing he is thinking or feeling. Some men, like your boyfriend, may not feel as comfortable about expressing his thoughts and feelings as you are. There's nothing wrong with him, and surely does not mean he doesn't love you. It's just his personality type. As per Ciar's link, he's a Thinker.
You need to respect and appreciate that in your boyfriend. He will not and cannot be everything you try to mold him to be. If you truly love the guy, you will need to learn to compromise with him.
What you're doing will only hurt your relationship and you will lose him before you will get him to do as you wish.
Please think about this and consider your actions to him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2014): Poor man.
What exactly do you want him to do?
It must be tiring for you to keep trying to change him.
You've been together for two years and in that time I think you've got to see the real him and what he has to offer. He has had time to adjust to your needs and you to his.
But so far, it looks like there's still a huge gap in the relationship in terms of reality and expectation. You expect him to be one way and he expects you to be accepting but you're both trying to ignore the reality that maybe you are just not compatible.
My man was quiet and emotionally reserved. I was the exact opposite but we both adjusted to find a happy medium.
for opposites to work, you both have to be accepting of the other
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 October 2014):
 I meant to say also, I'm glad you found the link helpful. I did too when I discovered it a few years ago.
Your boyfriend might get something out of it as well, but if you send it to him, don't prod him for feedback. Just send it in the spirit of light hearted interest, not an assignment.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 October 2014):
Asking some questions (ONCE) is not the problem, OP. It's your incessant demands for the answers that is bullying.
Giving him space does not mean don't talk to him for a couple of days then resume questioning when you do see or talk to him. It means leaving the issue alone entirely if you sense he doesn't want to talk about it. Poking and prodding a person to get them to open up because YOU believe it's good for them IS demanding and controlling and VERY intrusive. Not to mention off putting.
There is nothing wrong with caring for your animal friends, but my guess is you talk about this often and in considerable detail and THAT is where he doesn't see eye to eye with you. It could also be that your boyfriend doesn't know what to say to calm your fears because history has taught him that nothing works, so thinking about it just makes him more uncomfortable. Instead of hounding him with more questions to find out if that's the case, talk to a woman friend who can be more supportive.
OP, your boyfriend is not obliged to probe the inner recesses of his psyche to figure out a way to explain why he sees life differently. Just accept that he does and let him share what he wants, when he wants.
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A
female
reader, cca9130 +, writes (20 October 2014):
cca9130 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers! Ciar: I found this link very helpful, thanks for sharing it with me. I do understand that my view of the world can be overwhelming for a man like my boyfriend, who is a thinker. I just must say that I have given him everything he's asked for: I give him his space, we don't see each other as often. He does have issues to address because the reasons he gets angry at me are ridiciulous. For example: he doesn't understand why I worry my dog will die, because it's only a dog. He doesn't understand why I want to share everything that happend to me during the day. I'm afraid I don't see this as bullying. I do understand your point that we see life differently, but if he just could talk to me about it instead of making me feel uncomfortable when he pushes me away only because I want to caress his hair, it would be a lot better.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 October 2014):
OP, this link explains different personality types and I think, if you allow yourself to be open minded, you'll gain some new insights into your boyfriend. Take a special look at 'The Thinker' because I suspect your boyfriend falls into this category. Keep in mind that no one label applies to everyone. We all possess certain traits from other personality types.http://www.9types.com/epd/5.phpJust because yours is the first serious relationship he's had, doesn't mean the man is an imbecile who doesn't understand love, or the need for companionship or connection. He understands just fine what these are. He just doesn't have the same need or desire to whittle away countless hours examining and expressing his feelings the way you do. He's not withdrawing from love. He's withdrawing from you and your bullying. For two years the man has been hammered over the head with your belief that there is something wrong with him. He probably feels worn down and cornered and your ridiculous ultimatum didn't help. OP, he doesn't need your demands, and he doesn't need pedantic, long winded anthropology lectures. He needs time and space to gather his own thoughts at his own pace and to express them, or not, as he sees fit. Leave him alone for a while and if he does contact you, learn to settle down and understand that everyone isn't like you and that is perfectly OK.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 October 2014):
 Exactly, he loves you too much(WTF) the poor guy is really up a tree without a ladder. And now the pressure of use it or lose it. I'm just tickled that I'm not him. Here's hoping he caves in and spits it out. Good Luck
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