A
male
age
30-35,
*adsam69
writes:Hello, I'd like to start this off first of all by saying thank you to anyone who reads and replies to this lengthy message - I'm really in need of an outside opinion here and it would mean a lot to me.I have been with my girlfriend now for about 1 year and 6 months. We are both 21 - I'm soon to be 22.Our problem started about 11 months ago now, Mainly in part due to my trust issues from a previous online long distance relationship that turned bad (Was used, Cheated on etc.)She had a male friend online who was about 4 years older than her - I became jealous and basically accused her of caring more about him than me as they spent so much time talking and having fun etc even when I was right there next to her.We had our first fight pretty much ever here (About 7 months in to the relationship) I got over this partly and realized I was pretty much the one in the wrong here - It was unfair to deny her friends when clearly they were just good friends.After this we carried on as normal and I was fine for a good while - Until some sort of gut instinct just set in. I noticed how every time they spoke she would hide chats when I entered the room, Not let me see even casually etc which was strange as she didn't do this with female friends. I just basically thought if this is your friend and all you're discussing is friendly stuff, Why go to an effort like this to hide it? I assumed it was probably just to stop a fight happening again like before if I saw them talking or something.Acting on the gut instinct from before I decided to read her emails when she left it open (Snooping - Bad on my part as a boyfriend, I know) This is where we first went downhill. I found chats of them cybering in the past and lengthy conversations of intimate stuff, saying I love you etc... They were basically in a relationship at one point before I came along.I confronted her over this and asked why she lied to me etc and said I found it unfair how even though they are not together now for whatever reason that I didn't want her still talking everyday for about 4 or 5 hours odd to a guy she once had a past like this with as it made me really uncomfortable (I had already cut contact with my previous one)We had a huge fight and almost broke up as she couldn't see anything wrong with it when it was affecting me so much and driving me crazy with worry and thoughts she was cheating etc. We decided to come clean about our past to each other at this point - I told her mine (Not much to really say, It was that one person) and she said hers.Previously when we asked each other all she said about hers was she fooled around with one guy in real life by kissing etc and she flirted with maybe 2 guys online before.Now however, She said she tried to have sex with the guy in real life but it was too painful at the time, flirted with maybe 5 or 6 guys online, got partially naked on webcam for one guy, used to tease another guy on camera and made out with another girl while another guy watched, again on camera. Also this current guy who she was talking to - The start of this problem, Had been continuously flirting with her, telling her he loved her and she flirted back which was why she was hiding it.I agreed to forgive her after a few days - I was hurt because of the lying mainly and she said she would stop all contact with him - Which besides saying happy birthday and Christmas etc, She did.Things were great between us for the next 6 months odd (Up until this last week)One of her friends in real life broke up with her boyfriend because she was flirting online and such - We discussed this between us and my girlfriend brought up how I almost did something similar to her and how it's a stupid reason to break up.For some weird totally unknown reason to me, The same gut feeling from before came up which had been gone for about half a year now.I decided to look at the emails again for the first time in well, 6 months odd (Again, Bad of me - I know) I was shocked with what I found though. This time, There were a bunch of really long and in-depth online role plays between her and a totally different guy - With full on cybering between them both. Also another bunch from yet another different guy saying he loves her and describing how he wants to kiss her, touch her etc and would she like it - Her saying yes.All of that had happened during out last big fight - While we were in this relationship (We have never had a "break")This time, I just totally lost it - I left it all there on the screen and just walked out of the house coming back later that day to find she had packed all my stuff up and told me to get out.She said I had no right to look at those messages and the fact I left and told her I would break up - Over something as stupid as this she said, Was pathetic.Cue 2 days, Of shouting, crying, screaming and me feeling completely broken over it all.I asked how she could do this after everything before - And how she could just lie to me and tell me she hasn't and would never cheat on me because of what her parents did and she knew how it hurts (They both cheated on each other and got divorced when my girlfriend was 11) She pretty much said she wasn't cheating, Just having fun and she thought I wouldn't care since it's online and therefore "Not real".She knew - Ever since the start of our relationship, That I consider flirting/cybering online real as it involves real people and emotions...so I don't know why the hell she still did this.I demanded complete 100% honesty from her now to tell me the truth about this/everything.She said I was right - She cheated on me and she's sorry, she had been in some relationship with the guy before and they cybered etc, she flirted with about 15 odd guys for 6 months to 1 year odd each over the period of about 4 years, she broke up a previous friends relationship because she cybered/flirted with the girls boyfriend...etcI just don't know what the hell to think right now.I love this girl, But I feel...I don't know.Cheated, Lied to, Misled into falling in love with someone who sold herself to me as naive, innocent etc...And she's just the polar opposite and everything I didn't want - Yet I love her now.This is my first real relationship in real life - And also hers (As she classes the previous thing as just having fun)She told all this to her mother when I said I was going to leave her - And her mother simply said I was being stupid and need to grow up - Due to the fact that this all happened online and because it wasn't "Real" It's ok.I constantly feel like the bad guy here. I just don't know what to think/do.Besides all this, Our relationship is great - We don't have any other fights, We get on great etc...It's just all this lying and such that's messing everything up.I don't want to just give up on something that's otherwise so good when I feel like this can all be sorted somehow.I asked what would she do if I had done the same either online or in real life and she said she doesn't care - I can do whatever I want with any girl I feel like...Making me feel like I'm just some evil person who's too controlling.For now I said I will forgive her over time just to put the current situation at ease a few days.Please anyone, What do I do?
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broke up, cheated on me, christmas, divorce, flirt, I love you, jealous, kissing, long distance, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): Your gf is obviously following the path of her cheating parents...... which will mean it is practically impossible to change.
Your young, have a lot of time in front of you..... and most importantly you have morals. Time to leave this girl behind. You may love her but somebody who repeatedly has cyber sex with other guys does not love you. Your better than that.
Good luck..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): I read your entire story: word for word: blow for blow. I cnnot believe that you still want to stick around for more ???
Her mother is just as bad as she is. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree here!
OP you are still young. Why settle for this piece of crap. Where is the respect FOR YOURSELF? You need to start loving yourself and then you will find someone to love you.
Tell you what: don't give a hoot that you snooped. Its only here on DC that everyone suddenly grows some sort of superior morals when it comes to snooping. Its okay to snoop. Its okay to check up on your better half. Why? Because if you don't try to protect yourself then who the hell will. So OP I'm glad you snooped. I'm glad you found out that she is cheating now rather than later.
OP know this: you would rather be alone and happy than to be with a person who cheats continously and makes you miserable.
So Mister, almost 22 years old: have fun. Get away from her and her mother. Don't think of being in a committed relationship just yet. Heal. One day at a time. AND NEVER go back.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (25 June 2012):
 Your gf is doing some very dangerous and damaging things to herself and you. Having friends online is ok, but it becomes unhealthy when these "relationships" start becoming an obsession. Just like people can get addicted to porn, I believe they can get addicted to texting, emailing, and using Skype or webcams to have constant contact with others. Instead of having a real relationship with you, she is choosing instead to have cyber relationships. I would say that all of your instincts are correct and you need to consider breaking ties with your gf. The relationship you have with her has become damaging and destructive. She is too much into her "relationships" online to be concerned about what you think. If she really cared about you, she would take it seriously that you don't like her doing these things, and quite honestly, if she really cared, she would not want them. I don't want to sound mean here, but stop wasting your time with her and find someone who respects you. I know it is difficult breaking up with someone, but I only see her offering you more anger and sadness in your life instead of love and happiness. A relationship with someone you care about and who cares about you should not be this hard.
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A
female
reader, missmatador +, writes (24 June 2012):
 Dear Badsam69,
I'm not one for leaving short answers because it always seems like I haven't read the whole question or that I can't be bothered delivery comprehensive advice.
Your relationship is rubbish. You don't get on well, you don't have share the same values when it comes to your love, you haven't had a year together without taking "a break" or "breaking up". She has absolutely no respect for you and CERTAINLY doesn't share your very honest definition of love.. You should leave her before she causes you some serious emotional damage.
Regards,
Miss Matador
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (24 June 2012):
 A lot of people don't consider cybering and strictly online relationships to be cheating, but they are. The emotions being exchanged are very real. An online relationship can also become an IRL relationship, very quickly, so they're far from harmless. I highly doubt that if the situation were reversed, and she caught you cybering with many online girlfriends, that she would be as accepting of it as she is expecting you to be.I also know from first hand experience that a person can get so caught up in the world of online fantasy role-play, that they can completely lose themselves. I spent two years living my life almost completely online....in the exact same scenarios your girlfriend is engaging in, and it just about destroyed me. I was far more interested in my online relationships then I was anything going on in the real world. The whole time, I was in complete denial about it.You need to dump her and move on, because right now, there is nothing you can do or say to make her understand that she IS cheating on you. She's too caught up in the "exciting" world of online romance, where you can pretend to be anyone you want to be.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2012):
 Do you even have to ask ?....
You thank her for the memories, and dump ger cheating ass.
Or, you accept serenely that you are going to be cybercuckholded now and forever, because this is what she does and this is what she is.
She is not going to stop. Moreover so, if she is really convinced ( I have some doubts about it ) that she is not doing anything wrong, she is just having some innocent fun, and you are the jealous and controlling meanie.
I agree with you, this is not just innocent fun. It's not something " unreal " , it is very real because when she has cybersex at the other end of the cyberspace there is a flesh and bone guy with a real penis, and real erections; he who is getting excited and aroused , and touching himself and bringing himself to ejaculation as if he were just beside your girlfriend. He can't touch her or penetrate her, but ONLY because she is not physically there, not because she would not want to. Well, I guess she would say that no, if they were in the same room nothing would ever happen because she would not cheat for real.... yeah right, go trust one like that. And anyway that ìs not even the point, the point is that when you are in a monogamous committed relationship, and you want to have fun.... you go to a theme park or some other " fun " place, you don't try and bring another man to orgasm. .
It could be you and I are too old fashioned , too mentally limited for our casually cybersexual era.... so what ?
If your values tell you that you need a faithful gf that does not ever cheat , even by PC or phone or carrying pidgeon, that's what you want and that's what you need. and... sorry, pal, but it isn't her.
It is a shame, if you get along so well in all the rest, but this is not something that , I think, you could or should swallow : she wants to cheat on you... and you to be ok , and do a happy dance about it !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): Truth? If you had done what she has, and she found out about it and you did it again? She'd be freaking the hell out, just as you are. Any attempt to convince you otherwise is just a lie designed to make her seem awesome and you a dick.Her mother should know better. This is an emotional affair. Whilst no physicality was involved, the intention was there. And she CHOSE to go through with it. The same as a woman/man in a bar looking to cheat might choose to go through with it or not. You cannot be in a relationship with one person and tell someone else you love them... it's cruel, to both people.If she truly cared for you, knowing how you felt about online sexcapades, then she would have made efforts to curb her childish behaviour. No grown adult does these things if they aren't single. Cyber-sex is for horny teenagers with too much unmonitored computer access.If you want to give her another chance, then do so. Me, I would have forgiven her and given her back my trust only once and if she betrayed me a second time, as she did you, I would have booted her to the curb without hesitation.Don't let them make you feel like the bad guy. Yeah, snooping was bad, but nothing on the level of cheating, emotionally or physically.Remember. She CHOSE to say things to other men that she should only have ever said to you, or whoever she agreed to an exclusive relationship with.Flynn 24
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