A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear friends out there, thanks for all the great advice you are giving to the world because it's helped lots of people, me included. However, I have one very disturbing situation that I have gotten myself into unintentionally. I fell in love with this girl and the fact that she had been silently dying with desire for me made the story like a fairy tale. It didn't take long for us to romp because we just couldn't have enough of each other. We had around 4 times then I found out something my heart is failing to take. My honey had a babygirl before which meant she has had a relationship with a guy i have never seen and wouldn't wish to come across till I die. My heart has never felt the same about her because i feel she's basically 2nd hand material. How can I change my attitude since she would do anything in the world to live with me. I still love her because she's great in bed.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Oh, and by the way. She quite possibly no longer gives a fig about the man who fathered the child. If the man didn't hang around, she'd rather forget him. But she'll never forget her child. The man is not important. The child is.
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (1 May 2008):
I can understand how you feel. It's a big thing to find out that not only has this fairy-tale girl you've fallen in love with had men in the past, she has also has a child. I can understand the shock that you feel. It takes a while to come to grips with something like this.
It's up to you. Can you accept her for what she is? If it's absolutely important to you that she be "brand new", then there's really no future for you in the relationship. But if you really love her and want to stay with her, you need to think hard about your feelings and your thinking.
I don't know what the background of your lady is. She may have made mistakes when she was young. We all make mistakes, large or small, and it's up to you whether you can forgive them.
If she decided to go ahead and have a child without a father to support it, it shows she is both courageous and compassionate -- she has a brave and loving heart. These are qualities that anyone would respect.
You should not regard this beautiful woman as "second hand goods". Everyone is a product of their "past". In your heart, you perhaps have the ideal of a pure virgin who has never had a defiling thought. The problem is, pure virginity is only a transitory state, not a personality characteristic. Pure virgins are untested material. Eventually they turn into something else. Whether today's pure virgin turns into a woman you want to be with or not, only time will tell.
No matter what her past, in her heart, this woman came to you brand new. The question is whether you can accept this gift or not. The choice is yours.
If you love her, you can love her child. If in the future she has your children, you should love them all equally. No matter how they came into the world, children are a gift from God. You should treasure them.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 I am a mother of two children, I am currently dating a guy with no children and what you have just said about this poor girl is insulting and downright patronising. So she has a child from a previous relationship, BIG DEAL GET OVER IT YOU SILLY LITTLE BOY!!!!
You have a lot of growing up to do and stop judging your girlfriend on her past. How do you know that she has not had more lovers in the past? What that would make her a Loose Woman? Find yourself a virgin, then that way she will be sleeping with someone that is also SOILED GOODS. WHAT IS SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR THE GANDER.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Everyone has a past history, and it makes them the person they are today! They learn from mistakes made in the past.
My boyf has a son from his previous relationship and it hasn't changed how I feel about him! It brings us closer together
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): So she had sex with someone else before you. Were you a virgin at the time or were you "second hand" as well? Just get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): You need to stop believing you 'fell in love' with her. Because you didn't. If you had, as you claim...the baby girl would not have affected your feelings for her. You would have accepted this females life, as is. So my suggestion is...tell her you aren't ready to accept her child into your life so therefore you aren't ready to continue dating this young Mother. Do it, as soon as possible. So she can move onto someone who does sincerely love her and accepts what she brings into the relationship. Be fair and tell her as soon as possible. And in the future, try hard to learn what a true, decent mutual giving love is. I feel you may be too immature, to fully understand that. Good luck
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Let's imagine you get married and you die three years later, leaving your wife with a 2 year old baby. Does this make her nay less worthy of love because she has a child...your child. She had sex and became pregnant. You've also had sex with her. Does that make you worth less than another person? What is your reasoning?
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A
female
reader, Miss Kipling +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Almost everyone has a past and that means that they would have slept with people before they met you,possibly been married before and as in your case, may have a child from a previous relationship. Its never nice to know that the person you are with was once so close to another person and shared history but unless your partner is a virgin, then it is unavoidable!If you really cared about this woman then you would accept her past but the fact that you say you love her because she's 'good in bed' suggests that you are with her for the wrong reasons ie sexual fulfillment. If you loved her then you would not judge her by her past.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Good grief. Words fail me.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 April 2008):
 And you will be second-hand material in your next relationship? Or does this only apply to women? I'm not sure how this works!
I'm glad for Mary that Joseph wasn't as judgmental as you are. If your honey is single, then no rules have been broken here, but it's quite probable that you have broken her heart. The only person that you seem to be thing about is yourself, and your rather backwards values of women and you are certainly not about being the kind of man that any woman would be proud of, especially your Mother.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Does that make all single mothers second hand material? Lets say a guy has a kid from another relationship...is he second hand material? The girl you love is still the girl you love no matter if she has a kid or not. If you only love her because she's great in bed, then that's not love, that's lust. Read what you wrote and think about it. Sounds like you have your priorities in the wrong places.
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