A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So to make a long story short. Met one night 7 months ago. Been talking and hanging out ever since. One day, he just stopped talking to me. For two weeks I tried to pretend I didn't care, but one night, my emotions got the best of me and I contacted him. A few days later, we resumed where we left off. We've never labeled us as anything other than just hanging out. When we're together, everything is perfect. I honestly am the happiest I've ever been with him. BUT...We only hang out at his place, when its convenient for him. I really like him. I try to be supportive of him, but I feel like I'm neglected. My friends want to meet him, but he's always working or doing his own thing. I feel so used. I don't really understand what I'm doing wrong. Is there any way that this hanging out could lead into a relationship? A real, honest relationship where we actually do more than just sit on his couch and watch tv and have sex. I feel like such a booty call, and I really don't know what else to do. I have so many other guys trying to get into my life, but all I want is him, and he's keeping me at this distance and it hurts. Should I confront him about it? Please be gentle with your replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feedback everyone
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Back again, now you have explained it more in detail, it changes alot of things.
From what you have said it does sound like he may well have some feelings for you, but maybe you two have really just fallen into abit of an repitive circle of just keeping it at sex.
You say that despite he expressed when he stopped talking that he wanted to settle down, yet regardless he started talking to you again, that kind of gives me a feeling that maybe he was hopeing you could be the one he settled down with? But it kind of just started from the point it left off.
I personally think that you should have another shot at telling him how you feel. It is ovbious that there is more than just sex invovled in this whole situation if you feel that he really does care about you. Go on your gut instinct.
Also i like that little phrase of yours :) "theres pleanty more fish in the sea but i kinda like this one" May just have to steal it.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Hi,Yes, you should confront him about it. I understand that you both were never officially a couple, however after 7 months of seeing him, I think you have the right to ask, and know his intensions. Sorry to say, but during the 7 months, if all you guys do is hang around his place, watch tv, have sex? To me he's just using for sex. A guy might not be committed in the beginning, that's ok because it takes time to know each other, and decide if this could lead to a relationship. I think, a normal couple will go out, watch movies, get coffee, have romantic dinners, walk, etc... That's the best part of being in a relationship. Doing romantic things, and getting to know each other. Quality time is better than sex...You mentioned you have many guys that are interested in you? You should go out with those guys... They deserve a chance with you. After 7 mos, it's good to know where you guys stand? If there's a future. You have the right to know. Sorry you feel this way, and I don't blame you...Good luck
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (1 December 2011):
Thanks for the follow up. Sorry for being way off base with my original advice. All things considered, I think you may like him a lot more than a little. And there's a good possibility he feels the same way.Guys don't usually talk about settling down unless they mean it. Because he is older and knows you may leave after graduation, he was trying to tell you that he really cares about you and he sees the potential for something more than what you have now. He is acting reserved because he doesn't want to grow attached to you to just see you leave him behind.True, there are many fish in the sea. If you toss this one back in, will you spend the rest of your life comparing the other catches to him? Will you spend years wondering if he was supposed to be *your* fish?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so i guess, this story is worth telling.
we met one night, a random drunk hookup, and instead of it just being a one night thing, we kept in touch. we really started getting together regularly in september. before that we only talked.
so i guess i know what its like to be used. i've been there before. whats different about this guy is how we act with each other.
he has expressed that he wants to be exclusive, that he wants to date exclusively, but I've never made it clear that i wanted to. i figured the fact that i was there with him in that moment was enough to show that i was into him.
when he quit talking to me, he just stopped.
finally i confronted him, and he just quit a job, and got a really great job. recently he's gotten a promotion, so he's in a way different place than he was when we met. i'm in my last year of college. he is a lot older than me.
when he quit talking to me, he expressed that he wants to settle down soon. his understanding was that i was leaving after graduation, so he didn't want to drag it out only to have me leave.
after letting him know exactly how i felt, i was ready to move on.
he contacted me asking if we could talk, so we did, and we just picked up where we left off.
I guess I just thought that things were going to change drastically after we got back together. Things haven't really. At first he was a little distant, but lately he's been getting a lot closer to me.
although the circumstances that we are currently involved in are strange, i really do think that he cares about me. i want to wait it out, but i'm not sure if its the right thing to do.
my heart tells me to wait. i know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say, but i actually kinda like this one.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 You feel used and neglected. But you know what? As far as HE'S concerned you are a willing participant!
Unless you have actually told him straight out how you feel, he really doesn't know. I think, though, that even if you did tell him, it wouldn't do any good.
He clearly doesn't respect you, and he knows he's taking advantage of you, no way to treat another person, but quite honestly, he just doesn't care.
Given all this, why SHOULD you only want to be with him?
The other two aunts are spot-on in what they told you.
My last words to you are: respect yourself by walking away from him once and for all, without ever a backward glance - yes, it will hurt for a time, but so what? You have your self-esteem, and are looking out for your own well-being - besides, there's plenty more fish in the sea! (And a better catch than this one, I'm sure!)
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 You're not doing anything wrong, this guy just isn't interested in you the way you are interested in him.
And no, the hanging out will not lead to a relationship.
There's no point at all in 'confronting' him about it. He doesn't see you as a girlfriend and there's not much you can do to change that. You're a willing participant here. You hang out with him, you have sex with him, and he he's willing to take this from you. Nothing you do will make him turn around and decide he wants to be your boyfriend
All you can do, and should do, is just walk away. Start fresh and find someone who will give you more. It's a shame that you're wasting your time with a guy who's not worth it. There are better men out there, trust me.
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reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I think you've answered your own question. If you don't be upfront with him about it it will continue and if you do you will probably find he doesn't want to get any closer. If you wait he might grow to like you more. Maybe he's just busy at the moment. You have to find out the easiest way so you can get on with it or move on.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (1 December 2011):
My best friend was in a similar situation. Everything was on his terms. He would have her over when it was convienent. She'd run to his place to take care of him when he was sick, needed a shoulder to cry on, or even if his youngest child needed help with a school project. He told her he would help her with her car, go with her to an interview to get into a prestigious graduate program, promised to help her move and said she could live with him and was convienently unavailable. I changed her car's oil. I went with her to the interview. I was the only person to help her move AND she had to stay with me because he disappeared for two weeks starting the day he was supposed to help her move in with him.And even after all of that...even when he refused to categorize their interactions as a 'relationship' she continued to throw herself at him, compromise her self-esteem, and settle for him using her when it was convient for another eight months.He was almost ten years older than her, and had another woman his age that he had been seeing on and off for a few years. Whenever he didn't make good on a promise to my friend it was because his girlfriend was in town sleeping at his place.The stress of this 'relationship' caused my friend to have multiple mental breakdowns over the course of the year she was involved with him. She ended up abusing then addicted to multiple drugs. She became a lying, stealing, manipulative shell of the confident, kind, caring woman I knew. She used the drugs to cope with the stress of compromising herself for him and discovering time after time that she just wasn't good enough for him to want a genuine relationship with her.You need to talk to him. You need to discuss how you feel for him and explain that you need to know whether he is ready to have a committed relationship with you. If he still does not want to label what you have, then you have your answer. If he is not ready to commit, I urge you to limit your contact with him. 'Friend with benefit' situations usually do not revert to just friends after these discussions. Continuing to see him in the privacy of his home and you will continue to fall into bed with him and it will leave you wondering why you can't have a relationship with him when you continue to provide companionship and intimacy for one another. Having a relationship with someone who won't give it a label is compromising and usually ends in depression and heartbreak.I don't want to see what happened to my best friend happen to you. Please decide what your plan is if he says yes he's ready for a true relationship, and also if he says no. Do this BEFORE you talk to him so you know what steps you will take next.I wish you the best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (1 December 2011):
"We only hang out at his place, when its convenient for him.""feel like I'm neglected.""than just sit on his couch and watch tv and have sex""I feel like such a booty call"Lets be honest now, if you saw another qeustion like this saying those things what would you think? If this wasn't you saying that, you would be certain that whoever this guy was he was just using this girl for sex. I know its hard if you have feelings for someone, but you have to realize that this guy is taking advantage of you big time. If he is treating you like this now, and your only friends or fwb how on earth will a relationship work? You have to take this all into consideration, and you need to stop having sex with him as its going to make you feel more attached. You can confront him but i will be honest and i don't mean to sound crule in anyway but normanally in situations like this the guy is only in it for the sex. I know its easier said than done, but i would honestly just stop contacting him all together and i'd try even though it might be really hard to start moving on and find the strenght in myself to just say to him " No i don't want to be your booty call, leave me alone". Ovbiously it is you who can only make this decision, but if he is treating you like this then i would honestly just walk away and keep your head held high. Whatever you decide to do i wish you the best of luck xx
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