A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I understand this is probably a trivial and common question, but it is really getting me down as this has never happened to me before. I met this guy and we got talking, we had a in depth conversation and he was really sweet. We changed numbers and I didn't think of him as anything more than a potential new friend, but I wanted to continue out conversation. He texted me in the morning and invited me on a date. I was reluctant at first but I decide to be open minded, so I went on a date with him. He was really nice and has a sense of humour, there wasn't any awkward silence, and he paid for everything. Things were going really good we arrange a second date which was at his place, he dinner cooked for us both. I stupidly ended up sleeping with him on the second date, he dropped me home and that was it. Since then he hasn't called me or texted me and today I found out that he removed me off facebook. Now I just feel really used, and I can't stop thinking about it. I have no idea why this happened, and is there anyway that I can stop thinking about this and move on?
View related questions:
facebook, hasn't called, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2013): Sorry to hear it hasn't gone how you'd hoped - however, you're in good company as similar things have happened to me!
Don't feel bad about yourself for it or beat yourself up about sleeping with him too soon - when all is said and done, you're a woman with needs! I think the trick to make it hurt less though is to see it for what it is, which was sex. Did you have fun? If the answer is yes, you have nothing to regret :)
He sounds like a proper dipstick though, however many males are in that respect. Good luck finding a decent guy, plnty of fish in the sea :)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 I like Cindy's 'splanation: "rookie mistake"....
OP: THIS (what you experienced) is typical "modus operendi" for many men.... Be aware of it.... and don't fall for it again......
Learn that getting too close (read: "putting out") for a guy LONG before it is appropriate, in time, makes you vulberable insofar as HE will have now gotten what guys want..... in they do it without regard for you, your feelings, and your soul...
That said.... FORGET about this encounter... FORGET about this (creepy) guy... and go on with your life.... and REMEMBER, that what you did was NOT "who you are"... but, instead, was the result of your youthful naivety.. and belief that you had met a "nice" guy... when - in fact - you'd met a dog.... who wasn't worthy to shine your shoes for you....
Sorry.... and good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (18 December 2013):
Some men just live for the chase and when they get the prize then it's on to the next challenge.Learn from the experience and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Yeah, rookie mistake :)
You text a bit with some guy, you go out with him on a date where you had this great connection for, what ? like tow hours, ? three? - then the very next date is...at his place. I wonder why - what he might want from you, what might ever have had in mind ,lol.
I am not making fun at you, nor scolding you. I am showing you the ropes.
There's nothing wrong in sex on a second date, or first, if you have no expectations, i.e. if you will be content either way : like, if it turns out into something more, fine- and if it does not , well at least you had a fun night.
If you are the type of person who cannot or does not want to adopt this logic, you have to determine you'll only become intimate once you already are in a relationship with the person, or at least when you feel you know him enough to trust him and be reasonably sure it's not all about instant lust.
It's up to YOU to perform this due diligence, and to find out what's what, and what your presence is required for : quick roll in the hay , or something else. The process may take a few days weeks months.. whatever it takes, if the guy likes you enough he won't freak out and won't mind waiting that you are comfortable, if he was just after sex he'll disappear from the map.
Of course as another Aunt remarks this too is not foolprof because some egomaniacs are so much into the thrill of the chase- and only that- that they may show more persistence and nevertheless drop you like a scalding potato right after they got what they wanted. But that's a far less common instance, people who are into instant gratification.. well, are into instant gratification and won't bother with dating or getting to know you , they will lose interest at once, thereby effectively helping you in your screening process. And anyway, at least you will know you have done all you can to ensure that you weren't being perceived just as a temporary penis holder, and nobody can ask you more than your reasonable effort.
Did you make this reasonable effort this time ? No. You followed him home and said yes just because he had behaved sort of decently on your first date, and then had offered you a cooked meal. Nice, but totally not enough to decide if he was a nice guy, if he was into you, if it could turn into more than a ONS .
Everybody is calling the guy a tool, and - I guess he is , I surely would not call him a gentleman. But in this cases is " buyer beware " . He did not rape you or scare you or mislead you or promise you anything, he did not lie to you about his feelings. He just tried his luck, made his move and ... you said yes. You said yes because you had assumed and expected that a couple of compliments , a couple of smiles meant he was hooked on you , and the deal was sealed. Sorry, OP, but it does not work like this, I think it is rather obvious that ALSO someone who just wants to shag you will act pleasant at first. Otherwise he would not manage to get many chicks in his bed if he acted all nasty or aloof or rude, right ?
Don't beat yourself up, this stuff happens all the time. Now you've got the experience to handle right any similar situation you may come across, and remember : you are in charge, Nobody can use you if you don't allow them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (18 December 2013):
The challenge has gone for him. You did sleep with him too soon sorry to sound harsh. If a guy is willing to have sex that soon he is not serious about having a romantic relationship.
I've always waited at least 3 months of knowing them before sleeping with them. Last guy it happened sooner because I had known of him for two years and guess what... Went wrong, another partner on the list.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Yes it's going to hurt now...and it's going to hurt real bad. But like the others have said, learn from this and just try and move on because that's pretty much all you can do. Never sleep with a guy till you've established a relationship. If you think that you'll be offending the guy by saying "no" to him for sex, you're wrong. Just because a guy is sweet to you and cooks you dinner, doesn't mean that you owe him anything. I know that wasn't your intention at all, but just remember, sex is beautiful only when it's in a meaningful relationship. Cliche as it may sound, save yourself for someone really special.
Chin up, we all make mistakes and that's how we learn from them. Now come on, smile and cheep up, its the holiday season, don't spoil this beautiful time of the year crying over this.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): A few years back I dated a girl. On our first and only date we went out to the local pub and had a few drinks then we went to my room and we had a few kisses then I tried to be more intimate with her, she immediately took her clothes off herself and allowed me to have sex with her. then I got her to the bus stop and sow her home and really wanted to see her again and have a steady relationship with her, mainly because she was so pretty. We made date to meet again but she never turned up and I never sow her again. After so many years I still wonder why did she dump me. These things do happen.We just have to live with it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): In his defence, the guy never said he wanted a relationship.After all, you'd only spent less than 48hours in each other's company before you hit the sack.Call me pedantic but in that sort of time frame, there's no way you can reasonably expect that any sex will be sex for the sake of sex rather than for the sake of feelings of love or care.People fall in lust at first sight, they get sexually attracted or personality attracted in the first few days / weeks. This is before you know enough of each other to have feelings beyond sexual or personality attraction. In your own words, you weren't even sure about potentially dating him the first time you met. You only went out with him to be 'open minded.' So I don't see how you can be surprised that since the attraction has been quenched, he moved on. Think of a little kid who nags parents for a toy for months and as soon as they get it, they get bored of it after playing with it a few times. The toy is not so exciting now that it's no longer a fantasy and a potentially new experience I see on TV, it's sitting in their room. What he did was not nice. But did he mislead you? I don't necessarily think so. In the same way you didn't specify that you would only sleep with him if you were dating, he didn't specify that he would only sleep with you with no prospect of dating. Neither of you communicated your expectations so unfortunately, you draw the short end of the stick. I do sympathise. I imagine it's a horrible feeling thinking you've been used. But let me help you become wiser.You know your values / goals / sexual and emotional needs. Communicate these to potential dates.Do not assume that because he takes you out for dinner wants, he might be interested in a relationship. All you know at this stage is that he finds you attractive. So let him know in a casual way that you only sleep with people you are in relationships with. It doesn't need to be a big talk - it can just be a casual flippant comment in random conversation. At this point, all the guys who are not looking for long-term relationships will leave or they will lie to you that they would consider relationships. If they leave - good, you were not compatible. If they lie - well some people are like that but you've taken measures to protect yourself so it won't happen very often. I'm not encouraging you to pressure anyone into relationships when you hardly know them.But I am saying outline your expectations from the get go.And then stick to your guns. If you are not sure about the guy's intentions ie. there's been no explicit discussion about expectations, you can not legitimately feel injured.Common courtesy would demand that he at least let you know he never wants to talk to you again. Next time, don't sleep with someone if youa) are not sure what you want from themb)are not sure what they want from youSince he knows that most people probably won't want a wham bam thank you ma'am situation, he probably won't initiate that conversation.If you expect exclusivity or commitment or whatever, you have to protect your interests by initiating that conversation yourself and not wasting your time.You are not a victim. You made unwise decisions. It happens and it hurts.But since you were not a victim, you know now that you can protect your interests against something like this in the future
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2013):
He is a tool. He knows how to act nice LONG enough to get a girl to sleep with him, after that, well he THINK he got what he wanted.
Don't beat yourself up. But in the future, DATE a guy long enough that you KNOW him well enough that you BOTH know where you stand. Two dates, is general too soon.
Talking over the internet and texting is NOT how to build a relationship, spending time together (no sex) getting to know each other. You don't know a guy after what? a couple of weeks? No matter how deep the conversations seemed.
Well, now you know - there ARE guys like that out there and they are hard to spot. One thing though, guys like that WILL rarely wait around for a few months JUST for sex, they will find "easier" game. (so to speak).
Chin up and chalk it up to a mistake, because that is ALL he was.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): We hear all the time: I slept with him too soon and then he dropped me. We almost never hear the opposite, from a guy. With me, it happened few times, and I am not proud of it, but I did the same thing to a few guys. I slept with one, and he was really bad in bed. I didn't even want to give him a second chance. He didn't please me, finished fast, and because I hardly knew him I was not in a mood of teaching him. Another guy was so rough that next day I was bleeding a little, and was all swallen. I was not going to go through that again. Then there was a guy who after sex made plans to spend vacation together, and he was much younger, I kind of wanted to just sleep with him this once. Then there was a guy who I could never date, he was like from a different planet, handsome though. I had my share of one night stands, but it was me who didn't want to continue, and I took few from my facebook also. I didn't drop them because they slept with me too soon, lol, I dropped them because not having a chance to get to know their personalities, all I experienced was sex, and sex was not that great, and I was not in love, so I just didn't see the point of continuing. I am not saying that your guy thought that sex was not great, but may be it was an equal situation. He was not yet in love, sex was not something to rave about it, and he didn't see a point in going on. Honestly I think it's better than how some guys do is keep several women at the same time just for sex, and whenever the feel the urge, they start calling to see who is available. That's why to wait is insome cases very important just to see who you are dealing with, getting to know someone can be very beneficial: you might not even like a guy that much after all.
...............................
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (18 December 2013):
 I don't think the lesson you should take away from this is "don't sleep with someone too soon" ...it should be "some guys are arse holes"
I would not recommend withholding sex to try and earn 'respect' or just for the sake of it... If you waited until the second date or the 52nd date to sleep with this boy, he would have done the same thing. If a guy is only after sex then he's only after sex, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do.
Chalk this one up to experience, the boy was an immature idiot. Don't be too hard on yourself, you were both consenting adults and if he can't see how great you are, he's not worth bothering with or worrying about.
Chin up, all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Man, most guys will at least humor you and make it less obvious and blatant. But he just flat out slept with you and then blocked you. Sheesh. What a douchebag.
I'm sorry this happened to you. All you can do is chalk it up to a lesson learned. Don't sleep with a guy until after you've made a commitment to each other.
Good luck. And head up. This will pass. He's just an ass.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 I'm older, although this is more common when you sleep with somebody TOO SOON, it can also happen after a relationship has started, a few dates, talking, getting to know each other, all that stuff and then pow! You sleep with him and then he doesn't even recognise your face a few nights later.
This has nothing to do with you, the colour of your hair, your income or even you sexual prowess, it was all to do with being used sexually.
Yes, its horrible to realise you have been used, but don't allow this to make you a victim, he is the one who lacks, he lacks moral fortitude, ethics, and he also lacks the ability to recognise his own behaviour for what it is, crappy!
Hold you head up high, if you bump into him just give him the cockroach look (raise your eyebrows and let your face do the talking, you are less than a cockroach), give him the full look over, and shrug, as if to say what the hell, and turn your back.
He deserves not better.
Please be aware this type of man is in the minority, and there are not many of them around, so in future just be a little bit aware ..... it will be okay.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 December 2013):
I agree that when you want more than sex you need to wait a little bit. Not because "this is what happens if you sleep with a guy too soon", but because this is what CAN happen. Not all guys will do this.
But, the guys that are prone to using women usually won't stick around for more than a few dates, unless of course they're players then they'll stick around for awhile because they're dating a few other people at the same time. But they usually won't put in much effort.
Turn this into a learning experience and learn from it. With any luck your future self will be better of because of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 December 2013):
 They should teach this to girls in school!!
Yes that's what guys do if you sleep with them too soon.
In your mind you think you are giving them what they want because you think it will make them like you more...it won't.
Having sex with someone is a very efficient tool at getting you dumped. The best thing you can do is say NO NO NO for as long as possible and until the guy is proving to you that he wants to be in a relationship with you.
Shrug this one off as an important lesson learned...don't do it again!
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 You learnt a hard lesson, don't sleep with a guy so soon. You cannot change the past and there is no point beating yourself up. Put this down to bad experience and move on. He is real ass and its better he showed his true colours now.
You cannot change the past and all we can do is learn not to make the same mistakes. I am sure you are a good person and this was a just a lapse in judgement. So chin up and start being your happy bubbly self and forget this idiot.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): Hello there! I'm very sorry that happened to you honey! I was in a similar situation this year. It took me a while to realize it wasn't me. There are guys who are good at charming you and saying what you want to hear to get what they want. Not all guys, I'm not saying that lol. But a lot of them do. Especially in the dating world. Many are looking for friends with benefits or a "good time". Since something like this happened to me but it didn't lead to sex yet because I didn't let it. I was dating this great guy he was diffidently playing more hard to get than anything else but I wanted to see where it would go. Him and I went on a couple of dates and got a long well. One night him and I were making out and he started to take things too far and I said no. He understood and stopped. The next week after that he was texting me all the time calling me and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was of course extactic! A few nights after he asked me to be his gf I went over to his house. We were making out and he tried again. I told him "I told you from the beginning I'm not going to have sex with you yet." He stopped and said "I have to work tomorrow, I need to go to bed." He told me to leave. That was the last I heard from him. He thought okay so if I text and call her she'll put out. And if I ask her to be my gf she'll feel like she should or that its suppose to be that way" Don't beat yourself up over. You've got a lot to offer someone and he was extremely immature! Life lesson learned now :) I personally set up a 3-4 month time frame of getting to know someone well enough to get involved. If a guy really likes you and wants to be with you he will wait months. My current bf waited 7 months for me to be ready. (other things happened that made me not read but that's a whole different story!) As for not thinking about it I personally just did stuff for myself and hung out with friends. Also flirted with the produce guy at the grocery store by my work lol Time heals all!
...............................
|
