A
male
age
41-50,
*r Limbo
writes:Hi everyone.I hope you can help me please. I feel so alone and I don't want to feel this way anymore.I'm a 33 year old guy, I got into a relationship when I was 21 and that lasted until just 2 years ago.I have never been the social type and quite often I'm unable to socialise or be relaxed around unfamiliar people. It makes me very anxious and I often have no idea what to say to people or go up and just talk, and often i just hang around in the background and don't connect.When my marriage broke up, I lost all of my friends as they were "couple friends", mostly hers, and I have only 2 good friends that I don't see much because they are just like me, socially retarded and quite often depressed.I've dated a few women in the last couple of years but that didn't really amount to anything meaningful, and I have no idea where I went wrong. I get told that I am a good looking guy and smart and talented all the time, but I can't see any of that in myself and I really don't have any confidence.I have been depressed most of this year and stayed home a lot. I woke up one day feeling great and started doing things again and managed to wind up having a txt romance with my boss's 18 year old daughter which turned physical as well. Big mistake, long story short, as great as it was, after a short time she couldn't deal with it anymore (the age gap being only one reason) but I'd already fallen for her, and even though I accept that nothing will have come of it, and I do NOT feel the need to see her or speak to her, it has uncovered feelings deep down that make me feel more alone and depressed than I have ever been before.About a month ago I was ready to die, I'm lucky I didn't go through with it because I don't feel that way anymore. But my life feels empty and lonely and unfulfilling.All I really want is to have good friends around me, to love someone, and be loved by someone. That's it, but I'm stuck and can't do it by myself.Can anyone understand what this is like? What is wrong with me? How do I stop feeling this way?Thank you for listening.
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broke up, confidence, depressed, my boss Reply to this Question
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male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Dear Mr.Limbo,
As much tempted as I am to lash you into being an emotionally uncaring guy, and into becoming a casanova and enjoying the good life, I really really believe in my heart, that there are awesome, kind hearted, lovely girls out there, and it's just a matter of time before one of them comes into your life and takes you into her forever.
Instead of getting depressed, thinking of death etc, do something worthy for people who are worth it. And the list of those people starts with you. As ChaliceODamnation wrote, make a list of all the good things you've done till now in life. Start with all your career achievements. Then list the good things you've done for people over the years. Then list how much money you've donated to charity. List what all places you visited. Then list what all you would like to do in life or thought of doing but never had the chance to. Take pride in all these and you will start feeling better.
Serve the homeless. Volunteer hours for them. Serve the orphans. Feed them. Spend 2 hours each weekend with some senior citizens who will pass away soon. They have NOBODY IN THIS WORLD who cares for them. So, CARE for them. That will give you some measure of happiness and closure.
Regards,
A
female
reader, ineedyou  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 I've been feeling pretty low myself lately and I've found out that the only things that help me a little are: a) counselling b) keeping myself busy: be it volunteering at the hospital, meeting friends, working, calling a friend, going to the hairdresser's, planning a holiday, enjoying breakfast and newspaper, going for a walk, a movie, a nice meal.
Your sadness isn't gonna go away in a blink, but you're gonna see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point. We all have bad times and good times. We all make mistakes, we all feel lonely at some point in our lives, even people who are in relationships. Talking to people made me realize that everyone goes through phases where they feel sad and lonely, so... we've all been there!!! You're not alone!
Also, check this blog out: http://1000awesomethings.com/
I do it first thing every morning and it really puts a smile on my face!
You will be fine!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Take up karate .. Build your self esteem, change your self talk. Life doesnt find you, you find life.. Trust me..
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (18 December 2011):
 hiya hun
your post is somewhat too familiar. Ive been almost in your shoes... although my depression did not make me suicidal (I have 2 young children and the thought of what that would do to them and what I would miss out on was probably the reason it never got that far). My marriage broke down 4 years ago, and I had lost many friends during the course of the marriage. It was incredibly lonely.
Can I suggest what what your looking for is the impossible? Your wanting the perfect friend (they dont exist, everyone has faults) and the perfect girlfriend. Your also so lonely that whenever anyone gives you some attention you grasp it so tightly that it pushes the other away. For now forget about finding romance, and concentrate on getting yourself better and making friends. Romance may come, but it wont work until your better. When your better the right lady will be out there for you. Its when you realise that it actually doesnt matter how long it takes to find her, because your having a blast along the way that you will know your truelly well.
so what to do.
The first thing you need to so is to go to the doctors. You need medical support to help you with the depression. That may be in the form of counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy or medication... whatever works for you. There is no shame in asking for help, and by posting here you have taken that huge first step. Depression is like being stuck in quicksand, you need someone to throw you the lifeline that will allow YOU to pull youself out.
In the meantime (and during your treatment) there are lots of things to do to improve your social skills and also your mood.
Begin an excercise routine... outside if possible! It may just be a 15 min fast walk everyday. Every study done on depression shows that the BIGGEST help is excercise. So even if you really really dont feel like it, try to force yourself. I know its blimmen freezing at the moment (well it is here in wilts), but thats no excuse. Wrap up warm and go out. If you need more incentive phone your nearest dog rescue place and offer an hour a day to walk their dogs.
What hobbies do you have? have you any interestes that you have never explored? What about ambitions and a new career? I'm 31 and have returned to college, I go to uni next year too. Its bloody hard work but its sooo worth it. It also allows you to meet other people with similar interests, similar ambitions. The course I am doing is tailored for adult students, and the ages range from 20-60, with most of us being in our late 20's-40.
I'm suggesting a course and new career as it will take you out of the unhealthy environment with your boss and his daughter. Of course there are many other things you could do.... reading group, football, rugby, painting, fishing, motorbikes, cars, mechanics, pottery, history etc etc etc. It doesnt have to be studying for an academic qualification it could be an evening wine tasting group, historical re-enactment or gastro-pub tour.
Joining something related to your hobbies and interests will allow you to meet with like minded people who you already have something in common with. This will help break the ice and help you socialise... no awkward questions when trying to strike up a conversation. Once you have joined you can suggest to the group about going out for a drink one evening etc, which then opens it out into a more social arrangement.
My final suggestion is that every day you keep a diary. In that diary you write down 5 good things about the day. They could be very tiny (e.g. I woke up without hitting snooze 5 times) to huge (made arrangements with tom dick and harry from wine tasting to go for a drink on Thursday). At the end of every week pin all those great things to a noticeboard and then buy yourself a treat. The treat can be a favourite chocolate bar or something more expensive... whatever it is needs to be for YOU, noone else as YOU deserve it.
It sucks to be single over certain public holidays and I think christmas and valentines are the worst. Do you have anyone to celebrate xmas with? (family?), if not, go an offer your voluntary services for the local homeless shelter or animal home. There will be plenty of people around who need your help and your company more than you need theirs.
BIG BIG hugs, and a very very merry christmas to you, this time next year you will have new friends, a new hobby and a whole new outlook.
xxx
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Hi there,
Holiday time is really, really tough on single folks. I am sorry for your pain. The way out of your pain is to force yourself to be more social.
You say you are intelligent, you must have some hobbies that you like and that you are interested in. My suggestion to you is to take some classes in those hobbies. You will be around people who like similar things and that confidence you lack will actually be there for you BECAUSE you are doing something familiar and interesting to you. You will meet some friends too. From there you can start to socialize with friends and this practice will hone up your social skills and soon enough you will be meeting women.
Some suggestions for hobbies for guys are....cooking classes, wine tasting events, photography classes, dancing classes, glass making/blowing, painting, etc. If you are athletic, go to a pickup basketball game or join a community baseball game. Force yourself to be "social". Eventually you should join some singles groups but do that after you get confidence in doing activities you are interested in. The best advice someone once gave me is "fake it until you make it." I am positive you will have fun and that you will meet some people.
Also, if you are feeling so depressed that you are suicidal, please find some help for that. There is nothing wrong with you that you can not gain some courage and fix. Feeling empty is a downward spiral...and your life is not empty because here you are on this site seeking some help.
Happy Holidays and let us know on this site how you are doing.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (18 December 2011):
 Well the first thing you need to do is work on building up your self confidence/ self esteem. My advise to you is to read self help books or articles that specializes in those areas.
The next thing you should do is do something called a "one a day". What that entails is you talk to one random person a day about anything. If it's a guy you can perhaps talk about sports, weather, etc. If it's a lady, you can compliment her. And if example she's reading, you can ask her what the book is about. But do this without any other goal in mind but to talk and be friendly.
You also have to put yourself in an environment where you can be sociable. Maybe the club thing isn't for you. But what are your interests/hobbies? Perhaps you can join meet up groups or events in your area that you would find interesting. And by going there you would meet like-minded individuals who share the same interest. Try to break through your nervousness and say to yourself "I'm going to have good conversations with these people." Approach and talk to them... and who knows, you may even make new friends.
And finally, we all have moments of depression, but if you ever feel like committing suicide again, PLEASE call the suicide hotline. Your life is extremely valuable- whether you believe that or not.
I wish you the very best!
Oh and here's some additional reading you may find beneficial...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/need-a-confidence-booster.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what--women-want-most-from-a-guy.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-approach-a-girlthe-right-way.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-create-great-conversations-on-a-date.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): Its true that life wasn't meant to be doing it alone. So seek some counselling. Address the roots of the why you are so timid about being around people and NEW situations. Also address your pain and healing over an ended relationship. Counselling will aid you in discovering what you perceive as wrong and how to cope with the loneliness.You feel lonely because you went through a traumatic experience. Many people suffer post traumatic distress disorder after a long term relationship/marriage has ended. Some liken it to losing someone you love, like it was a death. And in ways it is. You may even be suffering depression.You want happiness then FIGHT To have it. Get strong, healthy. (Thats the how do I stop feeling this way bit.)Also, join Toast masters. Why?It will help you build confidence via public speaking. So many people are terrified of public speaking. So its a good excercise and you will be around similar people.Two, it will put you around other adults. Help you make some friends. Helps you build a network.Just because you are single doesn't mean you can't have married couples as friends. Heck they can even hook you up with other women.Also, introverted people are not social retards. They are selective about who they have as friends and really, only need one good friend. So dont' get caught up in thinking you have to an extravert. Extraverts feed off of groups and people and excitement.You seem more happy with staying at home, reading a book. I'm introverted but people don't know that about me. Its a sliding spectrum. I would rather be at home, with my teens watching movies over being in a bar any day!Also, you sound shy as well as introverted. Knowing your nature and working with your strengths is one way to understand yourself as well as see you are not a 'social retard'.Introverts tend to be Leaders, not Followers. They don't need other peoples approval because they have their own moral compass that tends to be higher than the norm. So own up to some of your strengths.So. You have a life plan, some direction.You're going to work on you, self improvement. Get strong, healthy, condfident. With this, you will become a stronger, happier, healthier version of you that will find the fun in life, in the day, and in dating.Life is only as scary or as fun as we want to see it. And even then, its only what we make it on a day to day basis.You are just as amazing as anyone else. You have a lot going for you. Have some friends write you a list of what they think makes you YOU- special, unique, amazing. Carry that list around.You'll be okay. Just do something for YOU that will do wonders. Having a sexual tryst with someone younger is not helping. Its a band aid.COUNSELLING. Keep in Touch. I would like updates, please and thank you.*hugs*
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