A
female
age
41-50,
*ristenJ
writes:Hey aunts. Little help will be appreciated. I've been going through a rough patch lately. So there is this guy, used to be my closest friend for a long time then, over a year ago his behavior started to change. To cut a long sory short he spent an entire year in hot romantic pursuit, sabotaged a budding relationship of mine with lies, then one night he pressured me for sex (after two months of virtually dating every day so it is not like I jumped into bed with him)but then he told me he only saw me casually and he wants to see other women too (he said that while we were naked in bed with him feeling me up and kissing me, major WTF moment). I was shocked, stopped what was happening and kicked him out. Since then he apologized (but not for messing with me, just for not wanting a relationship, making it look like he was rejecting me and not the other way around) said he wanted things to not be awkward and he didn't want me feeling uncomfortable and he wanted to fix this but then he picked up a fight with me accusing me of hypocricy and he was so angry because I had an one night stand in the very distant past (which was really not meant to be one, I was at the time in love with the guy and got really hurt, acted like a sulking puppy dog when he saw me with two other men (friends)got his friend to fish around for info on my current love life and right now he goes out of his way to make me see he doesn't care. I am so uncomfortable with all this drama it literally hurts. You may think I am too sensitive but I have a past history of sexual abuse (he knew about this) and was really traumatized by this horrible night, I felt like a piece of meat and he is certainly not even willing to meet me half way to resolve this. Avoiding him would mean to abandon all my friends and favorite places to go out. He is EVERYWHERE I go and my social life is a nightmare. Last night I felt like an outsider in my own group of friends because he was there doing his best with his behavior to let me know I was not wanted there, making it awkward not just for me but for everyone else too(I only sat there because of the rest of my friends,not because of him but still felt like a complete idiot). What can I do? This is really affecting me.I can not remember the last time I actually had fun and I wish none of this had happened. Should I let him know he is making me very uncomfortable? I wish I could just turn a switch of and not care whether he is there or not but I do care. I feel like I will eventually lose my friends over this and it is really messing with my head big time and to top everything I have such mixed feelings, thinking he is a major jerk but missing the amazing person I thought he was. Please!!!!!! Give me some advice as to how I can turn this around! It hurts.I feel I was played in the worst possible way by someone I gave my complete trust to over two years and he still gets to win. Thanks in advance
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female
reader, KristenJ +, writes (21 January 2011):
KristenJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a bunch Abella for the cheers!!! I must admit it felt good being so calm while telling him off. Still feel lousy that everything happened but at least I did something about it. A few weeks ago I would have been jealous and hurt seeing the other girl but last night I actually felt sorry for her. I will never allow him to play me again.I will do my best to avoid him but won't put my life on hold either and if he feels uncomfortable with my presence we run into each other that's just his problem, isn't it? I am n ot in business for making him feel better. He wanted the 'friendship' magically intact and in a demoted status too (ie groupie) without suffering any consequences. He will not like this at all. Hope nothing major happens from now on. Also, I don't think he is dangerous or anything, just as jerk but thanks for worrying all the same.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Hi KristenJ,
A well deserved round of applause to you.
********* = stars for KristenJ !
I am so buoyed up by reading your fantastic post. Full marks all round.
You have no idea just how impressed I am by your well mannered assertive approach.
And he's still playing.
He still thinks he can do it, as evidenced by the ungentlemanly behavior towards that unsuspecting girl.
I agree, that poor girl arrived at the perfect time. (not for him)
He did not expect that. And I do feel he humilated that poor girl. He's so good at humiliating girls.
But you can't interfere with that.
Yes, he's unsettled. Isn't that poetic justice?
Continue as you are.
And doesn't it feel good to quietly and calmly and in an assertive voice StandUp to a psycho bully?
I've been there. And you did everything right.
And you are correct, you will have to keep alert for any rubbish from him. Police are there, if you need them.
You Rock!
Well done and best wishes,
Abella
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A
female
reader, KristenJ +, writes (21 January 2011):
KristenJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again thanks for all the answers. And here is the update. After careful consideration I decided not to meet with him but to go somewhere else instead. Unfortunately when I left the house I ran into him just outside (I know it seems fishy but I am pretty sure it was just a coinsidence) and he walked with me to the other place trying to make small talk while I waited for my friend. I kept quiet and let him do the talking. He acted as if nothing was wrong which was very annoying but I was kind of sneaky and decided to play along and in the process of my fishing expedition made him admit he had been saying things about me to my friends. He claimed he was feeling uncomfortable with the situation and that's why he did it. Then a girl came. She was obviously happy to see him and went to kiss him on the lips but he pushed her away almost in horror. She then tried to squeeze close to him but he was rigid and uncomfortable.I smiled, introduced myself to the poor girl and thankfully my friend had arrived by then so I left them to it and ignored his presence while he kept staring in vain. He tried to talk to me again when I was about to leave and this is when I decided enough is enough and I calmly told him that he never should have followed me there, that if I had wanted to meet with him I would have, that I am not buying the guy guy act and I want him to stay as far away from me as he possibly can.I was very calm and determined and felt so much better afterwards. I received a text in the middle of the night from him saying "What on earth was that about?" which I of course ignored. I plan on following the advice given to me and never talk to him again. Now I don't want to involve the other friends in this unless I have to. It is not fair to them but I let it be known that now I am the one who is playing ball and will never allow him to force me into an outsider position. I will do my best to avoid him. I think I should expect some trouble from him still but surely, if I ignore him long enough he will be bored and go torture someone else won't he? Like the poor girl hoping for a small touch of hands. I honestly felt sorry for her. So, there, that was the update. Wish me luck and thanks for reading!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 If you want to meet with him, then meet with him but be very brief and don't let him have control of the meeting. Be very blunt and up front with what you want to say to him and be factual. Don't give him room for argument. I think our friendship has run its course or whatever you are going to say.
He should get the point and if not, then tell your other friends what is going on and tell them why you don't want anything to do with him and they should understand why. Sounds like a good idea to have a friend close by if you need to be rescued. Good plan.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Firstly, kudos to having the power to kick him out when he said that bogus crap to you. Not all women posess that.
Secondly, ignore him, DO NOT meet him or talk to him again, and if you can, come up with some snappy zingers to respond to his behavior. Call him out, make him feel uncomfortable. Take the power back. Show him that he cannot take away your friends or control your emotions. Slowly, you will heal, and you will feel empowered. It will take some time for you to heal completely and to stop being upset, but don't show him any emotions but strength and sarcasm.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): "I have a past history of sexual abuse"
He's an abuser, pure and simple, and what happened to you in bed was nothing more than abuse.
Don't talk to him again, ever.
That strips him of his power.
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A
female
reader, KristenJ +, writes (19 January 2011):
KristenJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSeriously I am very greatful for the support. i did not expect that (possibly wish I had read the new answers a couple of hours ago lol). So some e mailing later I have still not committed to meeting him. I first absolutely declined then he told me the obvious, that things were awkward between us last night, and how he was actually thrilled to see me (which he demonstrated by ignoring me blatantly) and how he wants to have a drink with me because he hates how everything is between us right now and he needs to talk with me. Now as I said I didn't agree to meet him but he said he'll be there waiting for me anyway. I think I need to sleep on that. I really want the whole thing smoothed over so that going out of my flat will not be such a complication. On the other hand I see everyone's point here on the benefits of NOT meeting him. I still don't have a clue what this man wants from me. A guy friend of mine suggested I meet briefly with him and make my point very clear or he may never stop, with him (my friend) at the coffee house next door ready to come to my rescue if needed, but that I really should confront him as the whole thing seems to be escalating rather than being blown over. I am very unsure as what needs to be done but will consider everything carefully before deciding and will be posting an update. Thanks a bunch for your support and kind words everyone!!!! I really needed them!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
don't even respond. Don't answer him. He'll feel his power over you slipping. Let him be the one to know that is so, but utterly ignoring him. Your life is too good and too busy to be bothered with pond scum like him
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
should you meet him at the pub:
No and double no.
He deserves nothing. He's already proved what he is. Don't prolong the agony. His mindset is a cat torturing a mouse. He senses life still in you.
When he's really finished torturing you is when he feels he has crushed you.
Then he will ignore you.
He is not worthy of the time of day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I think you shouldn't go. Just stop getting him in your personal life. Just decline the invitation, short, no excuses as to why.
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A
female
reader, KristenJ +, writes (19 January 2011):
KristenJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUrgent update. Just got a mail from him asking to meet with me down at the local pub tomorrow! He is acting as if nothing has been happening and how happy he will be to see me. Should I go? I still feel nothing has been resolved between us, there are too many whys. Too much bitterness. I think he treated me appallingly yet feelings don't just switch off. What on earth do I do?
And also, thanks for all the wonderful responses! This site is very helpful
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A
female
reader, babyghost +, writes (19 January 2011):
Hi there. One thing that i seem to be learning is that sometimes moving from the friend line to relationship line is not always a good idea. The nice guy you knew as a mate turns once they know that you two are together and to me this is what this guy has done. He has wanted you and once got you he went cold - he liked the chase and when you said no - as you rightly did he got hurt and is taking it out on you.
you said that you are finding it awkward and only stayed with your mates becasue of them, what did they say? did any of them find it awkward?
my answer would be 2 sided 1- when you go out - and you must, if he starts making things awkward with you and your mates try turning it round on him and having a laugh. It may hurt but dont let him see that.
2 - you talk to him and if he then doesnt listen tell him your not backing down, youve done nothing wrong and it was him that was leading you on and giving all the wrong signals.
DO you really want to be friends with him? i know thats a hard question to answer becasue if your like me the answer would be yes - he was such a nice guy. somewimes nice guys arent always that nice unfortunatly. hope this helps
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Sounds like this friend of yours might have liked you for a long time and never got his shot with you so once you noticed him and he had you where he wanted you, he played you. Possibly for revenge on his part, to boost his ego so to say.
Telling you he doesn't want a relationship after breaking one of yours up tells me he wanted revenge on you. That or he is just a poor pathetic excuse for a person to do that to someone who was supposedly a close friend of his.
Forget him and move on. Pamper yourself as Abella said. Don't give him that kind of control over your life.
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A
female
reader, KristenJ +, writes (19 January 2011):
KristenJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGee Abella, it is almost as if you know the guy!
//You can't warn others as he is so nasty he could turn his offensive attention back on to you, and manipulate the situation until he (erroneously) looks like the victim.//
You know, this is precisely what he'll do. He twists everything so that it looks like everything is my fault. Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. Part of me thinks I am overreacting so it's good to know someone else sees what I see. And I left most details out. I was never in love with him to begin with,I was in love with this other guy, the one I slept with but then I left on a scientific expedition for three months and the guy I am writing about painted a really bleak image of the guy I wanted to be with sleeping around etc. (which wasn't really true)Back then I trusted him but he knew all along about me and the other guy even though he wasn't really supposed to!
You also nailed the fact that I am not in agony because of my broken heart but because of all the stress stemming from our social interactions and the violated trust issue. I am mortified that I could possibly get it this wrong. I usually have better judgment than this and I guess deep inside I still wanted to be wrong and I wanted this to be a misunderstanding as your first sentence indicates that people may say about my post (ie that he is honest about what he wants)
I have already gone on a small holiday so this is not an option but it was a good suggestion anyway.:-)
.I hate being in such a defensive state all the time and it makes me miserable.
I am looking forward to any more feedback from this site
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
I imagine people might try to paint him as just being honest with you.
I don't 'buy' that scenario.
Especially as he put so much effort into wooing you. Only to hurt you straight after he reached his goal.
At the very least he commitment phobia central,
But I think he's much worse than that. My reading is that he's a stalking sicko nasty bully. He gets his kicks from humiliating vulnerable women. Eventually he will turn his attention to someone else. He will keep doing it. You can't warn others as he is so nasty he could turn his offensive attention back on to you, and manipulate the situation until he (erroneously) looks like the victim.
Eventually someone may even go to a lawyer to get a restraining order against him. Or get him charged with stalking.
Don't bother to be that person.
Allow him to show his true colors again, with someone else and reveal to the wider group what a pain in the posterior this guy truly is.
You need to short circuit this situation and show to YOU (you don't need to prove it to anyone else) that you are a survivor. Do you have any annual leave you can take from work? And any funds you could release to go on a short holiday? If not check out any house-sitting opportunities through an official site. House sitting is a great way to have a nice holiday in a nice place. Very very important that you do not mention it to anyone in your group these possibilities nor where. Or else he will find out and try to sabotage this initiative.
Quietly arrange the house sitting assignment somewhere nice OR go visit a travel agent. Don't choose one of well known teens/twenties flesh spots. Instead choose a quiet restful good place.
Get some pampering in a good quality spa. Be kind to yourself.
Even if he does try rain on your parade when you get back just ignore him.
Your real friends will be thrilled to see you back and ask about your absence.
Tell them it was a spontaneous spur of the moment decision to go on your holiday. For your sake be vague about where if you house sat (as you may want to house sit there again).
He will hate seeing you in the positive spotlight on your return. Ignore his snide remarks. Never ever allow yourself to be alone with him again. Don't even allow him to buy you a drink, nor drive you any where. He is not to be trusted.
What he thinks of you is none of your business. You have a life to lead. And no time to concern yourself with his problems.
But contact the Police if you do feel in danger. Because he is not normal and not OK.
Few lessons for the future. Your past sexual history is NO one's business. If a potential suitor asks then turn it back on the suitor. If the reason is really about 'do you have any STD?' then that on it's own is a valid question in this age of Aids/herpes etc. But your sexual history remains for you to share only with your Dr if you do get a std.
And on that subject, due to the nastiness of that man, do get a std check at the Doctors, but don't mention doing so to anyone.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
I imagine people might try to paint him as just being honest with you.
I don't 'buy' that scenario.
Especially as he put so much effort into wooing you. Only to hurt you straight after he reached his goal.
At the very least he commitment phobia central,
But I think he's much worse than that. My reading is that he's a stalking sicko nasty bully. He gets his kicks from humiliating vulnerable women. Eventually he will turn his attention to someone else. He will keep doing it. You can't warn others as he is so nasty he could turn his offensive attention back on to you, and manipulate the situation until he (erroneously) looks like the victim.
Eventually someone may even go to a lawyer to get a restraining order against him. Or get him charged with stalking.
Don't bother to be that person.
Allow him to show his true colors again, with someone else and reveal to the wider group what a pain in the posterior this guy truly is.
You need to short circuit this situation and show to YOU (you don't need to prove it to anyone else) that you are a survivor. Do you have any annual leave you can take from work? And any funds you could release to go on a short holiday? If not check out any house-sitting opportunities through an official site. House sitting is a great way to have a nice holiday in a nice place. Very very important that you do not mention it to anyone in your group these possibilities nor where. Or else he will find out and try to sabotage this initiative.
Quietly arrange the house sitting assignment somewhere nice OR go visit a travel agent. Don't choose one of well known teens/twenties flesh spots. Instead choose a quiet restful good place.
Get some pampering in a good quality spa. Be kind to yourself.
Even if he does try rain on your parade when you get back just ignore him.
Your real friends will be thrilled to see you back and ask about your absence.
Tell them it was a spontaneous spur of the moment decision to go on your holiday. For your sake be vague about where if you house sat (as you may want to house sit there again).
He will hate seeing you in the positive spotlight on your return. Ignore his snide remarks. Never ever allow yourself to be alone with him again. Don't even allow him to buy you a drink, nor drive you any where. He is not to be trusted.
What he thinks of you is none of your business. You have a life to lead. And no time to concern yourself with his problems.
But contact the Police if you do feel in danger. Because he is not normal and not OK.
Few lessons for the future. Your past sexual history is NO one's business. If a potential suitor asks then turn it back on the suitor. If the reason is really about 'do you have any STD?' then that on it's own is a valid question in this age of Aids/herpes etc. But your sexual history remains for you to share only with your Dr if you do get a std.
And on that subject, due to the nastiness of that man, do get a std check at the Doctors, but don't mention doing so to anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
I imagine people might try to paint him as just being honest with you.
I don't 'buy' that scenario.
Especially as he put so much effort into wooing you. Only to hurt you straight after he reached his goal.
At the very least he commitment phobia central,
But I think he's much worse than that. My reading is that he's a stalking sicko nasty bully. He gets his kicks from humiliating vulnerable women. Eventually he will turn his attention to someone else. He will keep doing it. You can't warn others as he is so nasty he could turn his offensive attention back on to you, and manipulate the situation until he (erroneously) looks like the victim.
Eventually someone may even go to a lawyer to get a restraining order against him. Or get him charged with stalking.
Don't bother to be that person.
Allow him to show his true colors again, with someone else and reveal to the wider group what a pain in the posterior this guy truly is.
You need to short circuit this situation and show to YOU (you don't need to prove it to anyone else) that you are a survivor. Do you have any annual leave you can take from work? And any funds you could release to go on a short holiday? If not check out any house-sitting opportunities through an official site. House sitting is a great way to have a nice holiday in a nice place. Very very important that you do not mention it to anyone in your group these possibilities nor where. Or else he will find out and try to sabotage this initiative.
Quietly arrange the house sitting assignment somewhere nice OR go visit a travel agent. Don't choose one of well known teens/twenties flesh spots. Instead choose a quiet restful good place.
Get some pampering in a good quality spa. Be kind to yourself.
Even if he does try rain on your parade when you get back just ignore him.
Your real friends will be thrilled to see you back and ask about your absence.
Tell them it was a spontaneous spur of the moment decision to go on your holiday. For your sake be vague about where if you house sat (as you may want to house sit there again).
He will hate seeing you in the positive spotlight on your return. Ignore his snide remarks. Never ever allow yourself to be alone with him again. Don't even allow him to buy you a drink, nor drive you any where. He is not to be trusted.
What he thinks of you is none of your business. You have a life to lead. And no time to concern yourself with his problems.
But contact the Police if you do feel in danger. Because he is not normal and not OK.
Few lessons for the future. Your past sexual history is NO one's business. If a potential suitor asks then turn it back on the suitor. If the reason is really about 'do you have any STD?' then that on it's own is a valid question in this age of Aids/herpes etc. But your sexual history remains for you to share only with your Dr if you do get a std.
And on that subject, due to the nastiness of that man, do get a std check at the Doctors, but don't mention doing so to anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): To start off with, he obviously isn't the person you thought he was. That's plain. Maybe he saw you as a challenge and the minute he had you in his clutches he backed off big time. Yes he has treated you badly. Forget about who won, it will only eat you up. How do you go forward? If it is possible to say to him something along the lines of - look we move in the same circles, can we just draw a line on what happened and move on. Otherwise, just to get yourself back on your feet, lie low for a bit, do things you enjoy with a few friends away from the group. Friends who may understand and go for a quiet meal, the cinema. Just try to avoid seeing much of him for now, until you are strong enough not to care. Real friends will understand your situation and help you out. You won't lose real friends if they know your feelings.
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