A
male
age
41-50,
*ikey0117
writes:hi this is driving me nuts. me and my partner have been together for about 5 years we have children together and seem happy we have are ups and downs no big deal.but are sex life has got dull and not a lot of it i mean big gaps.we both made jokes about it how poor it is but it never improves Ive tried talking to her about it she get tenses and then blames me which really don't help she say i don't try hard enough i don't wont her . so last week i tried setting the mood turn the light down lite some candelas i got some rubbing oils so when she got out the shower she led on the bed and i began massaging her it seem to do the trick about 20 min into making love out the corner of my eye i seen a tear on here cheek and she really looked upset i stopped straight away i tired comforting her asking her whats wrong she says it was nothing may be not to her but its maid me fill horbal am i repulsive to her or ugly it driving me nuts i don't think shes cheating on me.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 March 2010):
 I think she may be postnatally depressed and has lost confidence in her body.
Post natal depression can lay dormant and surface years after birth.
I dont think she is cheating.
A
female
reader, dorothy2342  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 Sometimes I think I hear or presieve things differently. It sounded to me like ya'll aren't having sex that often and you both think it has been poor and it doesn't get any better, also your wife doesn't think you want her. My original advice stands. Don't give up on the sex, just learn how to make it better. Make love, sex should always be an expression of love. If she is having other emotional issues you might have to wait until she is ready to talk.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 March 2010):
 It could be the massage. The body holds a whole pile of tension due to worries that we can't admit to ourselves. When somebody massages us with oils, we relax and feel loved, and can cry tears of joy. I have done this, and I have made people feel like this. I think your wife was crying because you made her feel loved and special, and she might be wondering why things went wrong before.
Please ask her why she was crying, ask her if she didn't like the massage or if she didn't like the sex. Don't judge her response, don't blame yourself. Communicate truthfully and accept her answers with an open, understanding mind. I doubt she finds you repulsive, I bet she loves you very much and is crying about how close she may have come to loosing you and having her marriage ruined for no reason at all.
Blessings, don't worry, I think she loves you. :)
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (22 March 2010):
 you need to ask your wife how she feels about you i mean there is a chance she could be crying out of guilt maybe for cheating on you and knowing how much your going to for her,maybe she was crying because of the intensity in which you had sex maybe it was a good thing have you considered that the reason she might not be telling you what is up with her could be down to being abused maybe you dont know about it.if you seem happy together without sex i doubt she finds you repulsive.maybe you should leave out sex for a little while it might make you want eachother more if you have a break from it which might make the feeling better when you actually have sex maybe try comforting her with kisses and cuddles general affection rather than sex for a while it might be what she is after
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 March 2010):
She's not cheating. And you're not ugly or repulsive. She has other things on her mind. My girlfriend cried in sex before. Once she was unhappy with me because she felt I just wanted sex. The other time she was upset about something that was on her mind from work and the sex was releasing the feelings. As for your wife, maybe she's not feeling loved enough, and felt that all the effort you put in wasn't for her benefit but for yours. Maybe she's just very stressed. Keep on with the massages and all the love and care and continue trying to talk to her about how she feels, but don't have sex with her. Just focus on getting her loved up again.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (22 March 2010):
When I cried in a similar situation it was because I felt my husband was only making all this effort to get laid. He had ignored all my other emotional issues that I had been trying to reach him on. I felt he was only interested in sex whereas I wanted to talk first and feel heard. It is so important to be affectionate even without sex being the end goal. Give her this massage on a few nights and end it there without sex. She will be pleasantly surprised that you only did this for her and it may be a turn on for her. If she offers you sex during these liasons just tell her you just want to reconnect with her and you can wait until she's ready. Ad when she's ready she will come on to you.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (22 March 2010):
I fear the worst - your relationship is on its way out! All the signs are there please talk it over and be honest and ask her to the same.
I feel that the braek down in your relationship has started and these are the signs. It may be to little to late. Sorry but I have been through it and I could have written this and it has taken 3 years for us to separate. The signs had been there from the start for me I wish i had acted on them then and there!
Seek advice as well on here and keep posting or pm me if you wish. The guys on here give such a wide angle of advise!
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (22 March 2010):
I have to be straight forward. Does your wife orgasm? It would be very difficult to cry while you were climaxing. If she doesn't, I have some great advice on how to improve your sex life together. How much time do you spend giving her oral sex, if she is not cuming then your not spending enough time pleasing her that way. There are two books I reccommend, "She cums first", and "He cums next" you can buy them at Amazon.com, they are a must read for you both. Do your homework. Great sex is important in any relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): i just posted a very long response, but i do have to say that anonymous poster has a good point in saying, what are you thinking about yourself? if you have low confidence about yourself and your appearance, that can be a true turn off. you can have general low-self esteem in life and kind of get by, but if you're always acting self-conscious in bed, then yeah, it can make you seem selfish and self-absorbed, and like you are worrying more about yourself than you are about her, her pleasure, and her happiness...and not even regarding her--it can reflect that you can't just enjoy a hot moment because you are firstly worried about how you appear before anything else. it's depressing for the partner of such a person, really. just a thought. the person i was with WAS like this...he was so self-conscious about his genitals, his appearance, everything, even while we were sleeping together...it was like sleeping with a child. it felt bad, even though physically speaking, he was beautiful and he was good in bed...but his whole approach just felt wrong, as he was always worrying about his appearance over the general enjoyment or important intimacy of the activity at hand. it was a real downer...just another thought. i don't know if it will help or not, but it is so important to be selfless in bed, if anywhere. it speaks volumes about someone in some ways, to be selfless in bed and not be an insecure lover.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): the only time i cried during sex (aside from the few times i cried during extreme joy), had NOTHING to do with thinking the guy i was with was repulsive. it was because the relationship wasn't working somehow in a crucial way. i wanted it to work, but it wasn't working. he and i weren't on the same page, or even in the same book, if you know what i'm saying...he wasn't in tune with me, and i guess i wasn't in tune with him, even though i really wanted us to work out...we just weren't, and i felt extremely sad about it and i suppose i was a little depressed too...my emotional needs weren't being met, even if he was meeting my physical ones, when we did have sex. he was attractive to me, and good in bed, but our emotional connection was completely screwed in terms of being lovers. we were more friends than lovers. there's a huge difference between the two.
the relationship, wasn't as sexual as i prefer and that lack of sex effected the entire tone of the relationship in general. it made me highly self-conscious (the lack of sex between us), and it (his low sex drive) led me to assume he had to force himself to be with me, when we were having sex. i felt like he was performing for me to keep with what we 'should be doing', instead of actually getting into it and actually enjoying it for the sake of hot romantic sex...anyways, it just felt awful to me, even if a change i my attitude (not often assuming he was 'forcing himself') could have helped alot...but, he also had a couple other close female friends, and at the time i was worried that he was fixing to be with one of them...regardless, alot of it was in my mind. i can't imagine crying with someone now during sex...and yes, there were many things to cry over in this particular relationship, but sex should have been a happy hopeful event, though my mood sometimes wouldn't allow it to be as such and that combined with his low sex drive really just sent this relationship crashing to an eventual end. hope this might give you some type of insight. i really can't imagine a woman crying over a man for being 'repulsive' during sex. i truly doubt that's the cause of this. it's something way deeper. there's probably something way off between you two. you really need to try to understand what it is, to fix it, and it is probably somewhat of emotional nature...it doesn't have to do with your appearance or physical presentation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): I dont think she's cheating on you either. But why did you see this tear "out of the corner of your eye"? Do you not look at her when you make love, do you not kiss her? Perhaps she was only happy that the two of you finally made love again, or she got sad because she was reminded of how rarely you have sex these days. If thats the case, then the more sex you two have, the happier she will be and the tears will disappear.
I honestly do not think this reflects on your looks or how much she desires you at all. This is about her emotions towards having sex, not her emotions towards you. It could also be that it's been so long between the times you've had sex that she hurt a little? Like if you were too rough on her? If it's been about a month or two or so, this could have been the case, and that she didn't want to tell you why she cried because even if it hurt, she wanted to be intimate with you so badly she didn't care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Woman are complex creatures.. Dude take yourself out of the box.. Stop and really think, you both were talking about how your sex (making love sucks)- then when to spice it up you gave her a message and long story short she had a tear run down .. How does that sound... I mean no offence.. Just want you to stop and and look outside in...
If that was somthing you did to spice it up alittle, thats what you both* should be doing from the begining.
I did that when I new it was over in my past relationship.. (not saying its what it is) But it was a relization this is it and it's too late...
My advice is take yourself out of the box, look into both sides of your relationship (all ave's not just the sex one) .. Dude if she found your gross, she would not try...
But that leaves me to wonder how you view yourself?
Maybe you should set some changes and small goals for both you /your relationship...
Good Luck for both of you!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): My wife cried during sex because she felt guilty about cheating on me
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A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (22 March 2010):
 Maybe she was crying because of how sweet you were to do what you did (lighting candles, the massage)?
Tell her to have a frank talk with you about anything bothering her. Your sex life can be improved with a little more variety and imagination, so don't let that be a worry. What is important is that you two communicate effectively so you know what each other needs.
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