A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently went to my wifes 20th high school reunion. I was ok with the fact that some of my wife's ex-boyfriends were there and unfortunately I personally know them all. My problem began when i read the last wills and tenaments from their senior year. My wifes had an obious reference to sexual activity with one of her ex-boyfriends. My problem started with my wife not mentioning anything about it, knowing full well that I would read it. Curiosity started to eat away at me, so I questioned her about her senior will, like so: "Does this incident have a funny meaning or should I not want to know?". She simply laughed and said" You do not want to know" I replied: "I was under the impression that you were a good Catholic Girl" and she responded "I was 18 years old". My problem with this is that she has always led me to believe she is and always was this good catholic girl. I knew she was not a virgin, when we met, but now, I know(because I know all the ex's) that she had sex with all of them. Yet, in all my time with her, she has implied that she maybe had sex only a couple times. So basically, i think i feel betrayed and lied to and I am not sure who I married
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 July 2010):
For the love of God, how many threads am I going to read that a husband is upset over finding out his wife of 10+ years was more promiscuous than he ever thought?
Its getting old guys. Marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make - MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE MARRYING.
Is that unclear? Please reread until you get it....
A
male
reader, shoccs  +, writes (21 July 2010):
your wife lied to you in some sense, she pretended to be the good girl for your liking. Now 20 years on she feels you cant do anythng about it. You deserve better
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A
male
reader, hindsight +, writes (21 July 2010):
I'm struggling with what exactly you're agonizing over. You knew she had multiple boyfriends before you. You knew she was sexually active, but not promiscuous. How exactly does one incident change your view of her? If you knew she had sex "a few times" and that she had several boyfriends, what difference does it make which ones she did how many times?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Don't ask don't tell. Why do people agonize over things like this. If it's been a good marriage, get over it.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Retroactive jealousy my ass, you have a right to feel the way you feel. That said, you need to understand that, although your feelings of betrayal are justified, you weren't ACTUALLY betrayed per say.
All technicalities considered, you were under a misleading impression that developed because you liked the way your wife behaved at the present time, and assumed she's been that way always. That isn't really HER fault is it?
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (19 July 2010):
You wife did not tell you she was a virgin, you knew she had sex before you were married and she is still the woman you married 20 yrs ago.she has not betrayed you in these 20 yrs, she is the person you have always known and now you know she had more sex than you original thought. did you ever actually ask her how many partners she had before you started your relationship with her? if this was an issue to you then you would have asked back then. I know exactly how many partners my partner has had simply because I asked and because it was important to me. Tell her you are a little upset she didn't tell you but you really need to move on from this as you know your wife better than anyone as you have spent 20yrs of your life with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): There's nothing you can do. Retroactive jealousy is politically incorrect to feel or complain about. So that means her lying is excused and your hurting emotions don't count.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Your wife's past made her who she is today. Presumably the woman you married was one you loved and did not regret her personality. If that is so, don't regret her past. Your past creates your personality. And you were okay with her personality at the altar so... Move on and cherish her personality not dwell in her past that you're not even certain about. Choose happiness not to dwell.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Honestly, stop living in the past, this happened 20 years ago.
You already knew she wasn't a virgin, and now you know she wasn't a saint either...
Live in the now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Being very religious myself, I understand this very well. Both my wife and I waited until marriage. I cannot imagine finding something like this out. I would not be able to get over it. I'm extremely sorry. I'll be praying for you two to work it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): To those who've already replied, what if, for instance, this woman did things with exes that she wouldn't do with her husband? Which is sort of the implication I get from the OP.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Don't give up on your relation ship by gons be by gons xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): I hate it when some wives act so innocent and prim and proper with their husbands yet act like sluts with their lovers (past) m in essence your wife lied about her sexual appetite. You need to tell her what emotions you are going through. And she better understand your thoughts of betrayal. In fact has she been living a lie all these years and more importantly has she remained faithful. For a woman to love multiple partners and then pretend to be monogamous .....can you see where I am leading here?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Why do some men have such steriotype of what a good girl and a bad girl are. If you love your wife now and you have a happy marriage then why should it matter who she was when she was a young girl. There are many good catholic virgins that have affairs and go wild in their 30's and 40's because of lack of experience. People go though stages in life that make them grow and develop as a being. Her past has made her who she is today. The fact that you are upset about her past is pretty petty and unevolved. You should really question do you love your wife for her now? It sounds like you are being judgmental of your own wife, is that the right way to be as a catholic man?
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 July 2010):
 Hmmmmm. She "implied", right? She didn't flat out lie to you, did she? It sounds like you weren't too keen on hearing about her past and early on in your relationship you kind of just heard what you wanted to and didn't ask more. This allowed you more of an "ignorance is bliss" kind of mindset. You've been living your marriage based on those same thoughts, not really wanting to know bad enough to sit down and really ask your wife the truth.
I'm not defending her past actions, but the responsibility falls to both you and her after all of these years. You feel betrayed and lied to yet she didn't actually flat out lie, did she? And you're not sure who you married? Well, has she given you any reason to doubt her commitment to you? Does her past change your years of being married?
You may have a mental picture of your wife pre-you, but unless she just made things up when you asked her it's really not fair to be having these thoughts. Heck, even at the reunion you didn't even flat out ask her. Talk to her. Stop letting your imagination run wild. You two need to communicate.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 July 2010):
I´m not sure I get what you mean. Are you upset that your wife has had more sex than you thought she did? Do you actually believe the stereotype? Because I know a lot of "good catholic girls" who bedded quite an amount of guys. It's like pretending noone had sex before they're legal. Well, most of the time people have. Also, get real: when you're in a romantic relationship you're going to have sex one way or the other. It was naive of you to think she didn't have sex with all of her exes during the time she was dating them. Seems to me she didn't lie or betray you. For some reason she didn't tell. And judging from your reaction, it seems like the right action. Ignorance is bliss, right?Look up retroactive jealousy and posts by a user called Yos if you're really having a problem with this. Here's another post that deals with this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): If she had told you she had had more sex would you not have married her then? That is what it boils down to. If a bit of sex was ok, but quite a bit was too much?I don't understand these posts. Your wife was 18, I assume this was before you met. You have enjoyed all these years with your wife and yet now some things she did when she was in relationships as a teenager is making you doubt your wife?This is much more your problem than hers. You obviously have some sort of image of her which you have built up, and it seems sad that the image of the person before you even knew her is now seemingly more important than the real person you share your life with. You knew she wasn't a virgin when you met, but you still married her. So why does the amount of sex she had before you make a difference?Please don't let this ruin your marriage. Your wife hasn't done anything wrong. You want to rake up the past and make trouble where there is none. Why did you want to bring up this comment in the testament? Does it really matter? Is it more important than your marriage.Also, I have never understood this image of a "good catholic girl" which more than ever, at least from this post, seems to be some sort of construction by which to judge young womens' behaviour. As far as catholicism is concerned, how could she have been a good Catholic if she wasn't a virgin when you married each other? You can't pick and choose which bits you adhere to and which you don't.
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