A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for just over two years now, but its always been a very rocky relationship. He has an issue with other women, well he did until the last 6 months. He has cheated on me 7 times and had other little things with a few other women. Anyway I have always forgiven him because I have felt I couldnt live without him. So this time round we have been talking about marriage and buying a house together and now babies.. 6 months ago I couldnt have asked for anything more but...7 years ago I met this guy, the attraction was instant and we spent less than 24 hours together. Since that day we have kept in touch, I reckon we have only spoken on the phone a handful of times since and of course the whole facebook thing.. Anyway, we have made the decision to go see each other and are spending 5 days toghether.I feel bad for my partner but I also feel this is something I need to do or it will eat away at me forever.Serendipity??
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I understand how u feel, this is one of those things that u feel, know its not right, normal, but still have to to??? Through out the years you have shown numerous times that ur a very kind person & that u really love ur boyfriend..
Do what u have to do? Follow ur heart.. 2 things is going to happen: 1. U both are just good friends, not physically competible? Ur really in love w/ur current bf or 2.u also like this new guy? Its really 50/50% situation. But big quest is?
How do u want to do this? Be honest tell ur bf the truth & take a break? Or just go, lie to ur bf & keep a secret for the rest of ur life? If u do that? If u get caught somehow? Who knows few days later, mos? Can u handle the situation w/ur bf?
Well u have a lot to consider & to think about.
Wish you the best!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Serendipity? I think not...it sounds more like passive aggression. So your partner is an horrible. He doesn't treat you well and he regularly abuses your trust. You feel then you are entitled to stoop to the same level and convince yourself you "need" to cheat.What's curious is that you are obviously in a dysfunctional relationship, yet when you meet someone you like, you want to see them on the side? If I were you I would want to see them exclusively... sans the horrible boyfriend. If you want out of your current relationship, then be honest about it and break up! Don't act like a trashy drama queen and say you are entitled to cheat, and then drag this new guy through a messy situation... Break up with your partner and take the new guy seriously. He might appreciate being treated with respect too.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I said becoming a scum bag, you still have a chance to avoid that end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I didnt think I would get such a response. I do appreciate all your opinions, some are a little harsh - like I'm not a child or a scum bag and the rest are a real eye opener.
The guy Im meeting has no children and is single and my best friends know Im going over there. So we can rule out the safety precautions.. He knows of my relationship also.
I agree, my partner doesn't love me and I'm am the fool allowing this to happen to myself because yes I am weak and should have walked away a long time ago.
I use to be a very strong person, would have never have stood for anything like this but he has done a good job of taking that away from me. I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone else..
I want to walk away, I do - dont get me wrong there.. And you can call me pathetic and everything under the sun but its a harsh thing to judge someone without truly knowing the full story.. I know that I have told you enough and have asked for your thoughts and I have listened to each and every one of your words strongly but it still hurts to hear what you say. But hey I guess I asked for it.
I will take it all in and have a hard think about what I will do.. I am not a bad person, I am a very confused and lost one and I will find my way..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Are you a child? If not i suggest you grow up. This is not a relationship it is a joke. He cheated on you 7 times, that you know about and you are still with him.
Instead of cheating on him, dump him then you can be with however you like.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 January 2011):
Here's a word to the wise, if someone will cheat on you 7 times, they won't hesitate to cheat on you again, and again and again...
He will never change, and now your sense of relationship is so warped that you think it's ok to cheat.
Awesome. Have fun becoming a scum bag.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Beyond the guy you chose to spend the last couple of years with, you need to take a serious look in the mirror, the real problem here is you and you really need to take a good look at yourself:
1. You say this guy cheated on you SEVEN times plus other stuff? Are you being factual? Is this what some like to refer to as an OPEN relationship? I mean seriously. If he had cheated once, maybe twice, but come on, three, four, five, six, seven, or more times...that's ridiculous. And the time frame is only 2 years?
He was just using you for sex (and maybe vice-versa you wanted sex and or a warm body for companionship). How do you feel about yourself? Do you value yourself? Why would you stay with someone who has proven more times than anyone could imagine (times you know of) that he is not committed to you? Does he help you financially? You need to look inside yourself because I fear you have an almost non-existent self-image.
This is no longer a question of forgiveness. Staying with this douche is an impossibility. He had no respect for you and will never have respect for you because you have proven to be spineless, a doormat. I repeat, it no longer matters that you have forgiven him (which I frankly don't buy anyway) as he will never respect you. Sorry, but I need to call it the way I see it.
That you actually see a future including marriage, house, and kids with this guy is beyond me. Frankly, you are delusional in this respect and just fooling yourself and you prove it yourself when you talk about the guy you've known for 7 years. At the end of the day, when it comes to douche-bags the likes of which you live with, they will take advantage of you to the point you allow. Can you not see this? He is cheating and you know this. Thus, you are also at fault now, you are allowing this to continue, and you are facilitating his behavior.
Every second of every minute that you stay with this man you are confirming to yourself that you are not deserving of better, that you have low self-esteem, that you are not worthy of happiness. Why are you like this? What happened to make you like this?
There are people that no matter how weak you are would never do this to you even if you deep down believe you are deserving of being cheated upon (which no one is). You have managed to find the type of scum that is the worst kind. Many men live by higher standards, they do exist. No matter what, there are better men than what you have. And if there are not, then you are better off alone. There is nothing wrong about being without a man-douche. You lower yourself staying with this man, you become smaller, you think lowly of yourself. Thinking differently is in itself an issue as you yourself say 'that you had to forgive him because you felt you couldn't live without him'. What? You couldn't live with a man who couldn't keep his penis out of 7 other vaginas (that you know of)? You couldn't live with a man who doesn't respect you? What are you doing while he is seducing other women? Maybe he sends them flowers? Maybe he is paying and buying them gifts? Do you even know how he has been doing it? Have you demanded assurances, proof, that he will and cannot do it again...such as a dog-collar or GPS implant so you can track this dog's every move...lol...but seriously, what makes you think you can trust this man?
2. Do not believe that you are innocent here either. Do you believe cheating is okay? That you have known this other man for 7 years and kept in touch is yet another serious flaw I see in you. While your current partner is a douche, I feel you did not enter this current relationship with true and proper intentions. Something obviously attracted you, however, a part of you had this other man in mind. Why had you not pursued this other opportunity previously? It would appear your heart was not 100% free to truly love another, leading me to believe that your current relationship is one of convenience, but still speaks to the low self-worth you place on yourself.
3. You are planning to cheat. You have yet to do it I assume but your intentions are there. I believe you already do not think highly of yourself and if you carry out these plans then you will truly be hitting a new low in your life. Certainly your current partner is deserving of being cheated on but it will only ending up cheapening yourself and likely leading to worsening your negative self image which is already tenuous. Are you really any better than your current partner? Will you cheat and then tell your partner? Or will you try to cover it up and live a lie? That you even are considering this proves you have no real desire to be married to your current partner. You haven't really forgiven him, have you?
4. Does the 7 year guy know you are involved and considering marriage? What have you told him? Have you lied to him? Are you planning on spending five days with him and having sex with him? Does he have girlfriend, partner, family that he is planning on cheating on? What kind of guy are you getting involved with if he sees it as okay that you are cheating on your current partner?
Frankly, I think you are in no condition to be in a relationship. Face it, you are weak right now. You gave been cheated on and you are hoping this other guy will save you. But do you really have a clue who this guy is? You say yourself that while there was an instant attraction, you barely know one another. Will anyone know you are with him?...for safety reasons!
You need to do things the right way if you want the slightest chance of long term satisfaction and true happiness. Do not make the basis for a potentially positive relationship a result of cheating.
Postpone your meeting with 7 year guy. I only condone meeting 7 year guy if he himself is single and not involved.
Break up with your current partner. It is time to be strong. You have been weak long enough. You will be breaking up with him because he has proved he is not a worthy partner. You have not forgiven him. You do not trust him. He cannot be trusted. Conversely, he does not and will not respect you going forward. Marriage will only tighten the chains you have placed around yourself because of your feeling that there is nothing better for you. You need to accept that being without him is better than being with him, someone who DOES NOT love you. Convenience does not make love. It only makes for a shallow existence.
If you can manage the above you will have made a great leap towards bettering your life and gaining confidence and self-respect in yourself in my opinion. But I still think you will need to talk to someone, counseling, or therapy...if only to understand yourself better and why you have done the things you have done and behaved the way you have.
If you mean anything to 7 year guy then he will wait for you. If you do meet up, it should be to get to know one another, like a date. Not some 5 day sexscapade. You will only lower yourself if that is your intention. Let sex wait until you are truly ready and know a lot more of this individual. Don't go have sex with him early on only to realize later that he had a wife and kids. You will have been played yet again. It is within your power to control and giving it TIME is key. Time can usually unravel many lies.
Lastly, if you haven't already, get yourself checked for STDs. You know of 7 other women that your husband has cheated with not to mention other stuff. That he has potentially exposed you to something like this is most definitely a possibility.
You are in a position to honor yourself and to go about things honorably or choosing a path based more on deceipt and lies. The path to a more positive future and a healthier and happier you seems pretty clear. I think part of this journey involves finding out who you really are and what you stand for and what you represent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Leave the cheating guy and move on. So things seem ok at the moment, once you are committed to him with house and kids there is every likelihood he will stray again, and you will forgive him again etc on and on. No, finish with him now and pursue the other guy (assuming he is free, I don't think you said) and have a great time.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (13 January 2011):
 If your boyfriend cheated on you THAT MUCH and for so long, I don't honestly believe he'll ever stop completely. He may be good for six months, even a few years, but he'll cheat again and sooner or later give you an STD, or get another girl pregnant, or just leave you for someone else. Don't stoop to cheating on him. Just tell him he screwed up too many times and leave him, then date the other guy on the up and up.
I hate to tell anyone to leave a relationship, but your boyfriend has turned you into a doormat and that is NOT healthy for you. Love should be mutual and he's only in love with himself.
But if you're not ready to leave him, then you shouldn't spend five days with this other guy. You don't want to be a cheater. You don't want the boyfriend to be validated. You don't want to be as bad as he is. Don't become jaded like that. If you need more time, ok, but then wait to meet up with the other guy until you're ready to choose.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 January 2011):
What the hell are you thinking? You're with a man who has cheated on you SEVEN times, and your remedy for all this to become as low and pathetic as him and cheat?
Seriously, why? Why not dump your loser boyfriend and move on. This will do nothing, absolutely nothing other than make you feel worse and make you as low as your boyfriend.
Please, for God's sake address your life. Now. You're with a man who clearly doesn't love you, you're now about to cheat because 'it's something you have to do', and you're doing it with a guy who has as little respect for you as your boyfriend.
If you are serious about relationships, children, buying a house, marriage and all the rest, then the time has come for you to sit down alone and really, really think about what you want from life. Because you're coming across as a woman who is simply miserable and who is not dealing with the problems at hand.
Stop putting your cheating man first, stop looking to cheat with some guy and address your life properly, or you will become another of those people who has let life drift by for the sake of crap men and crap decisions.
You need to sort your persona life out, and cheating is simply not the answer. It just makes you another untrustworthy person who thinks so little of their own reputation. We have enough of those already.
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