| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyoneMy boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together for the first time at the end of this month. I was very excited at first, we've always talked and fantasized about it and it was actually me who got the ball rolling, but now for some reason I feel scared and am having second thoughts. Is this normal? If I love him then why do I feel this way? My only clue is maybe because I don't want to feel like I'm trapped. Should I go ahead with it and treat it like a trial marriage? I had a romantic view about moving in together but now I'm thinking about all the things that could go wrong, like maybe we will disagree on how to do things around the house and that maybe we will get bored with eachother. What should I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): My advice, and this is the advice I would be giving to a client that demonstrated some or most of your thoughts - to take a step back, and possibly put 'moving in together' on hold.
Some of the things you say demonstrate to me, you do have a kind of 'fantasy' about what living together really means in the truest sense, and I'm afraid when you said " I was very excited at first, we've always talked and fantasized about it" suggested that you may think moving in and living together is just an extension of dating, and it isn't.
There are many 'PRACTICAL' issues that should be dealt with way before you ever move in, which most don't do, as they see it as some kind of long holiday which will be fun, and not fraught with any of the 'everyday issues' or routines, that will certainly knock 'fantasy' side ways.
NO this is not negative in anyway, but I am trying to make you think practically and logically, and not with your emotions as to WHY you would move in with your boyfriend, why aren't you just getting married? I deal with the the latter part of this in just a minute.
Have you decided ( fun aside, or getting excited) as far as you can see ahead he is the one you want to be with for many years to come, to have children with, and that you are confident he feels the same - that he too, sees the same path ahead.
" My only clue is maybe because I don't want to feel like I'm trapped. Should I go ahead with it and treat it like a trial marriage? I had a romantic view about moving in together but now I'm thinking about all the things that could go wrong, like maybe we will disagree on how to do things around the house and that maybe we will get bored with eachother. " Not wanting to feel trapped, is not a good feeling to have about committing to living with someone, and YES you should be thinking about all the things that could go wrong, because if you are thinking about these things, then that tells me you have not 'DISCUSSED' these practical issues you have raised with your partner.
How long have you been dating, is it over 12 months, or preferably 18 months, when the first flush of attraction is becoming a little more stable, and you know lots more about each other. It is a bigger step than most people even think about as you are 'locking' finances in to together, and you need to know well before you move in what your ideas are on such things, how will finances be split, will he do 50% of the domestic stuff, or does he think that is down to the female, what is HIS take on all these things. You do need to discuss all this. Going into this without doing so, only to find out six months down the line, neither of you agree of how to live would be something you can prevent, by TALKING!
You don't mention if you are buying or renting together, and what provisions you have made for yourself financially if after a year or so, it wasn't working out. I doubt very much if many of the DC AA or Uncles, will bring this to the forefront, only I'm afraid it does need facing, it is part of what living together means.
As for trial marriage, again this tells me you're not ready for this just yet...as no one should go into a relationship where you live to together as a trial, as it already shows if it's not quite as you expected you leave, and start again somewhere else. Marriage is not like that, it's about working out, talking through issues and resolving them together. If a couple have been going out together a good few months, years, where they have discussed all this, then you should know how you both feel about all the things that are part of living together.
I'm afraid living together affords no real protection for the female, is more of an advantage for the male, as most times the male earns more, and certainly where property is concerned you have to decide if you own it 50/50 if buying, and if renting who pays for what well before you move in.
And lastly, if you were to fall pregnant have you both discussed what you would both want - I'm I shall receive a few raised eyebrows through this, but for me, it's more important that YOU don't end up doing something that hadn't really gone in to 100% where you are making decisions for your life based on the factual side. Romance is fine, it is wonderful, it makes the world go round, but get what you need to get right first, then romance can just flow!
Keep us posted on what you decide to do..when you do, and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): Living together is a whole different ball game. Once the novelty has worn off, there are chores to do, bills to pay, you see each other at your worst - as well as your best. Having said that, if your relationship is ongoing there is nothing to fear. You probably just have cold feet.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (13 January 2011):
I think you should wiat until you are ready and comfortable. I suppose you will always be a little nervous and scared. maybe talk to him about it.
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