A
female
age
41-50,
*eartbroken23
writes:My boyfriends kid and my feelings!Heartbroken23, posted 21 hours agoI wonder can anybody help me out there. I am 26 years of age and my boyfriend is 33. We have been going out for 2 and a half years. He has a 9 year old daughter with an ex. The ex is pretty much ok, she doesn't affect our lives in any way bad at all. I suppose she doesn't really need to because the way things are set up is that it is week on/week off with the arrangement when they have her so they dont need too much correspondence.However the issue I have is for some reason I am bothered by this child. Dont get me wrong, sometimes things are great and I have fun with her and I do nice things with her and for her. And everything is great.But there are other times where I just wish that my boyfriend didnt have a child. I just wish that she would just go away. I know this sounds absolutely awful but I cant help the way I feel.Things can be great;my boyfriend, me and her can be all sitting around together and all of a sudden she'll come out and say something like 'Remember Dad when I was little and you and Mum would bring me there'. All of a sudden I get this cold chill down my back. This feeling that I just wish the ground would open and swallow me up. I dont want to hear about my boyfriend with the EX. No girlfriend does, surely?Dont get me wrong. She is just a child and she has every right to talk about her family etc but it kills me inside. It hurts me so bad that it hurts me for hours, maybe even days.Then we go through the cycle all over again. I think things are fine and that I can get through this and life is easy and then crash again - the most simplest little thing sets it off again. My boyfriend and I have spoken about engagement, thats how crazy inlove I am with him but I just really question - why is this happening me? Am I really not able for it or will the feelings go away?He knows how I feel, not to the extent that I do. But he knows that I find it hard because every girl dreams of their Prince Charming having THEIR baby, having a FAMILY together - not having to include an EX in your life. (Even though she's not too bad of an ex - but still).I want these feelings to go away. I dont want to lose this relationship because of these feelings that keep cropping up. Has anyone got any good advice or suggestions or tips or anything that can set me straight?I know it is so wrong of me to have these bad feelings about her, and to wish her away or to wish that she never existed in my boyfriends life - I know all those things. Thats what makes me even more sad about the whole story. Because I dont like thinking bad thoughts about anything or anyone.I suppose deep down I just want some comfort in knowing that my relationship will be ok, that I'll grow out of these nasty feelings that keep coming up, that it is in some way natural or normal to feel this way.Can somebody please make me smile again? Please? x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): I think you just have to bite the bullet and tell yourself you are going to accept it and keep to it (mind over matter). And, in time, it works. My partner has children and I used to feel this way. I hated them before I'd even met them, just for being a part of my boyfriends life. It's only natural to feel this way. You have to focus on the good things.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your step daughter, a lot of people don't have that. You're also lucky to have a non interfering ex (I didn't think they existed!) It's nice that the daughter doesn't feel uncomfortable mentioning her mum in front of you and it shows what a great job your boyfriend and his ex have done with this child (which bears well for the future should you wish to start a family with him).
Focus on the positives and as you do more things with them she'll start to remember the places you've been with her.
It's harsh I know but if you can't get over this then there really is no future with your boyfriend. You can change the way you feel, you just have to be strong
A
female
reader, Heartbroken23 +, writes (22 March 2007):
Heartbroken23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your messages - and a big hug for birdynumnums for your wonderfully touching advice!Just had a big sigh of relief there. Knowing that its ok.But can somebody answer me this- Will it get better?Will it fade in time?I certainly dont want to do what that male reader wrote above and get out of the realtionship while I can and get with someone who has NO kids.I want my boyfriend. I want him with my whole heart and I just need to learn how to accept. And thats where I need the tools to do that.How do you accept?x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Here is a link to a similar posting: Some very good answers.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-like-my-bfs-daughter-but-worry-about-my-jealousy.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): Unfortunatley, those feelings are not going away. You need a man who does not have children. get out while you still can or suffer a lifetime of hell dealing with someone elses kid.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 "Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans..." and it rarely turns out quite what we would have chosen. I know it must be very hard to have the past brought up continually by his daughter, but he has chosen to be with you and share his life with you. The amount of love that we feel for our children is by far the greatest gift that we are given in life, one of our great joys. He wants to share this love with you! The amazing thing about the love you have for your children is that it is not dimished by having another child, it grows to encompass every child you have - whether it's one or ten! He will love your children together just as much as he loves his daughter. It can be difficult to step-parent, but there are lots or resources and groups out there for help. And be kind to yourself, you can't always think perfect thoughts, forgive yourself if you slip. I can remember times when I didn't particularly like my own children - but I always loved them. Other peoples children can even be more difficult, so take a cue from her Dad and let him lead the way. Her Mom will always be The Mom. You and he will have to agree to act as a couple - with his judgement coming first as the Father - but still respecting you as the woman of the house. It's nice to wish that things could be different, but it seems to be causing you so much more pain - it's time to recognize it as pure fantasy and stop letting it eat at your soul. You sound very kind, very thoughtful and very human. It's okay to grieve for what could have been, but try to look at it as an unexpected gift!
These all seemed to be GREAT reasons to have a step-daughter -
Your boyfriend won't pressure you to have children right away because he already has one.
You can therefore start your family when You are ready.
The first child is usually the guinea-pig, so your step-child has already taken that role.
You will already be a "parent" so people will not drive you crazy with advice when you have your own children.
You'll have a bona-fide, authentic Dad, so bringing home a newborn won't be terrifying.
You'll have a wealth of experience to draw from.
You won't panic with your own baby because everyone will have had a fever, hospital visit, stitches, etc. beforehand.
You'll have a built in babysitter when you want to go out with your Husband!
You have a great excuse to watch chick flicks instead of football.
You get to put more ice-cream in the freezer (and pretend that she ate it...)
You always have a good excuse and partner-in-crime for shopping.
You Never had to change her Diapers!!!
I hope this helped and put a smile on your face. Take Care Sweetie.
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