A
female
age
41-50,
*ragonfly
writes:My bf has a 3 year old daughter and has joint custody. When we have her it is like I am not even there. I don't want him to get upset because I know how much he loves and misses her when she is gone. But it is putting a strain on my relationship and making me jealous that I never get any attention. Im not use to coming second or third in someones life. I just want to be closer to an equal.It is like he is a different person when she is around. I don't get kisses when she is here unless I leave or we are going to bed. But he is always asking her for kisses. And always telling her how beautiful she is.He rarely tells me how beautiful I am, even though he gets compliments all the time when we go out. How do I make him see that he is ignoring me and not showing me any attention?We have been together a year and he hasn't told me he loves me he is scared of commitments. Making the comment that I am the only one he has never cheated on in all of his relationships.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Get over it! You're jealous of a little girl and you can't win this. His child will always be the number one most important person in his life. Love for your child is unconditional. He can't offer you that. You make it sound like when the kid visits it's them versus you. Why? Get involved! Plan nice days out for you all as a family. Get to love the little girl and most of all grow up and realise you're not the centre of the world.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): My pardons for misreading the never as ever...so be thankful for that...that is impressive don't you think? Hey...you do matter.
Okay...so ignore that one mistake of mine...and my statements still stand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): You get zero attention? I find this hard to believe? And threatened over a three year old? This toddler knows no malice.
Not used to coming second or third...that's the issue right there Miss I am The Universe.
Time to take a step back and figure out why you have an over abundant need to be first?
Why even see it as a competition? Why set yourself up for a fall?
You won't be an equal.
You are a woman for one or grown adult.
You are his intimate partner.
You are his best friend or should be.
You have the greater responsiblity to be understanding, accepting, loving, forgiving to your boyfriend and face it-3 year old will not compare to you on any of these.
Don't begin to feel superior. It shouldn't be about that.
Attitude and perspective.
What does the child represent to you? What threats are you projecting unto the child?
Oh...there it is. Ah ha.
Okay...unresolved anger and hurt because of the boyfriends insensitivity over letting it drop that he cheated on you adn only you which could imply you are insignificant.
So you don't feel beautiful enough, you don't feel worthy enough, you don't feel valued enough...you are not good enough.
A very self damaging thought process to get caught up in.
Ever thought to see a counsellor for your individual needs and add to it a couple's counsellor to deal with the cheating and trust issues?
Please do.
Tell him...hey, I would like it if you could tell me I am beautiful- I need to hear it. Reassure me please.
Do you take the time to tell him how handsome he is? How thankful you are for ...say something he does often...?
Start complimenting him more often. Hug him more. Kiss him more. Massage his back. Don't hold back.
Also...you will need to bring up how left out you feel or it is like he is a different person around his daughter and why?
THEN LISTEN. DON'T REACT. LISTEN.
Think it over.
If you begin that destructive thought process...write down what you feel and why. Then figure out how to drop all the extra fat and anger off of the why and what you feel and talk to him about it the next day.
Make this a habit.
Listen. Go back to it the next day after reflecting.
Also...get a book by Stephen R. Covey titled "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families." In it will be insight and knowledge on how to communicate effectively and without placing blame, letting anger rule you, and being destructive. It will also guide you on how to set up home rules to live by and how to listen.
So you need to
ONE) Get Counselling.
TWO) Get Book.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Hag +, writes (17 January 2007):
If you need that much attention from a man you need to find one who has no children, siblings, parents, exes,etc. Are you so close-minded and selfish that you can't allow this man to love his daughter? This is a totally different kind of love. Did you not have a father of your own? It doesn't appear as though he is the problem. Try not to feed the jealousy you are feeling and maybe focus on finding a guy you can love more unconditionally, if you have that within you. This man does not come without a child. If you cannot become a part of the whole picture you will not be in the picture. Stop wasting your time.
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A
female
reader, sweetiegirl  +, writes (17 January 2007):
 his daughter seems like she is the most important person to him, and there is nothing wrong with that, now i know that's not what you want to hear but if he only gets to see his daughter once in awhile then of course he is going to pay alot attenion to her, but when she's not around do you get his full attention ? if you want to make a real commitment to the relationship then instead of being jealous od his daughter, try and get involved with her as much as possible, when they are playing then join in or try when they are not playing together then you could play with her. show your boyfriend that you care about his daughter, just make more of an effort to join in with them. It will show your boyfriend alot trust me.
hope that helps
sweetie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Stop being so jeolous and get over it! You seem really needy and to be honest you need to accept the fact this bloke has a daughter and your not always going to be the centre of attention!
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