A
male
age
51-59,
*npassant
writes:Hi everyone, I'm new to this site, but appreciate everyone's candor and returns on their experience.I am and have been happily married for 20 years now with my french wife in Paris. I love my wife, we are close and loving and I am proud of our relationship. We have 3 wonderful girls and are a tight family.At the same time, I am in a close relationship (but without sex, or anything physical, yet!) with a woman I worked with a year and a half, and with whom I have maintained weekly contact with in the 2 years since she left my office. There is a strong mutual attraction, and respect, and I think I/we are falling in love without admitting as much to each other. I don't wan't to leave my wife, I love my wife, but I am having very strong and insistant feelings for this other woman. I have never had a mistress in the 25 years i have been with my wife, but it is becoming very hard to not step over that line. A small push on her part and I would fall head over heels. She is very beautiful, sexy, smart, and a single mother, which may send off bells in many of your heads, but I don't think it's so obvious. She is patient, never obtrusive in my family/married life. But I don't want to nourish her expectations. I cherish my family and wife and do not want to hurt them, or break what we have. I want to keep her as the great friend she is, and dream about more... I know I would not say no to being her lover, something I thought I would never admit, and I sense that it would be fantastic. But I'm afraid to lose it all.Is it possible to have it all? Is it possible to love 2 women and not hurt anyone? Shit.It ain't easy being human.Any feedback would be great. Thanks.
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female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (13 July 2011):
 No, it's really not possible to have a mistress without ruining everything. If you have any sort of concience or love for your wife, your time spent with both women will be guilt ridden and joyless.
How would you feel if you found out your wife loved another man and wanted desperately to sleep with him? Would you be ok with that? I doubt it. Even if you would, I doubt there's a woman alive, particularly a mother with children to think of, who would be.
If this has anything to do with boredom with your sex life, spice it up. bring romance back into your life with your wife and get creative. Don't get some nookie on the side. And that's what it is, nookie on the side, for however much you insist that you love this woman, what you love is the newness and the forbiddeness.
Get over this selfish urge and be thankful for the love in your life already. Some never know that. Don't throw it away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Proceed at you own risk, every body will hurt. Signed ex-wife of 22 years. P.S., I am an adult and I am able to move on and pick up the pieces, but my children will hurt forever. If you want out of your marriage, then get out, but don't cheat on your wife, I do not know her, but I bet she deserve better than that.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 Do what your libido tells you. Isn't that what you want to hear? Why struggle with conscience when you are so ready to abandon it? I mean, you were open with your wife about your polyamery before she agreed to marry you, right?
If you respect your wife and your marriage then you ought to be offended by the first paragraph.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2011):
 I did what RA suggested. I asked my hubby for permission to have an affair... he said yes.. I loved my husband and I liked my AP....
I was open and honest... eventually my perfectly fine but not well suited to me husband had ENOUGH and he left me... but I did NOTHING to stop him... I did not leave my AP believing that honesty was on my side... and yet here I am ending a marriage, beginning a new relationship and while I was above board and open and honest from day one, I still have tremendous guilt.
so even being open and honest and having permission to have the affair did NOT work. I still lost my marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): "...Add on a being more athletic, a larger penis and larger testicles, or whatever would make you feel inadequate.
You are staying home watching the kids while she is out with him for the evening?
Are you OK with that?
Gosh, maybe you are."
To add another dynamic to this: perhas this is just up the OPs ally! Perhapos male Anon, the OP wouldn't actually care if his wife gets another lover?
I know of many men who have mistresses but would kill if another man klooked inappropriately at his wife. My brother is such a man! Go figure this out.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Since you seem to think that your wife being French means she "should" be ok with you having an affair, then why not tell her this is what you want and ask her for permission?? obviously you still haven't told her, even though she's French so why not?you seem to think that it's only american culture that thinks of marriage as all or nothing and frowns upon infidelity. but actually most cultures throughout history have and still do consider adultery highly immoral and even criminal. In many non-western cultures adultery was punished by stoning to death and even castration which may be worse actually (think about that) meaning it was considered a capital crime and still is in some parts of the world. That's even more all or nothing than american culture, right? at least in america you don't get lawfully executed, mutilated or sent to jail if you're caught having an affair whereas this is what has happened in other cultures and still does in some. you should reconsider blaming american culture as being too restrictive on marriage, far from it. sounds like what you want is an 'open marriage.' so be open with your wife and tell her this is what you want. hey, she's French so as you seem to believe she should be more progressive about sexuality than we americans!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): "Do you know a wife who accepts that situation? aApart from Anne Sinclair, Domique Strauss Kahn's wife, not too many come to mind!"
You don't know what goes on in the minds of these women so how can you know that they are fine with their husbands' adultery and thus hold them up as role models?
lots of women "accept" their husband's adultery. I know of several personally in my extended family and circle of friends.
However, they are definitely not OK with it emotionally. They are miserable and hurting terribly but choosing to stay married despite this, and it's a long-term struggle for these women. Just because a woman stays with her cheating husband doesn't mean she is fine with it, more likely it means she's sacrificing her mental and emotional health for some other reason, usually a negative one. This woman is hurting but choosing to allow it.
They choose to stay with their cheating husbands out of fear and low self esteem. Fear of losing the "stuff" that comes from the marriage such as material wealth and status. Fear of being alone. Fear of the stigma of being single. Fear of a divorce harming the children. Fear of embarrassment if their social circle knew that their husbands cheated on them. Low self esteem believing that they can't "survive" on their own without a husband, or that they'll never find another relationship to be in.
The high profile women you highlight as "role models" - they have added pressure to stay with their cheating husbands because their social lives and status and/or their own careers may be damaged if they are no longer part of a power couple.
So...lots of women stay with their cheating husbands. But do not for one minute think that they are perfectly fine with it emotionally and that they are not hurting and suffering due to their husband's adultery. They may have come to some sort of resignation that this is what their life has come down to unfortunately, but it's still a sad existence no matter the forced happy face they put on in public. Many of these women end up depressed - have to be in long term therapy, anti depressants, start drinking and so on. Many of them eventually turn cold toward their husbands thus fueling the husband's desire for more extramarital activity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Just imagine your wife doing what you are doing, the guy is more fit, muscular, masculine, more accomplished, sexy, a good dancer, and very relaxed about the family thing, no kids of his own and he doesn't mind that she has kids, he just likes to make love to her and bring her great sexual satisfaction.Wealthy as well, and treats her to things you just can't deliver.Add on a being more athletic, a larger penis and larger testicles, or whatever would make you feel inadequate.You are staying home watching the kids while she is out with him for the evening?Are you OK with that?Gosh, maybe you are.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 July 2011):
"Is it possible to have a mistress without diminishing or ruining my love for my wife?"
Unless you're wired differently from the rest of the human population, the answer is most probably No. That is, unless you already don't love your wife, then there's nothing left to ruin.
Lots of people have affairs, and have been since the dawn of time. Just as lots of people have drug and alcohol addictions that ruin their life too and have since the beginning of time. Just because other people do it, doesn't mean it's not going to ruin lives.
You obviously have very strong feelings about wanting an intimate relationship outside your marriage. Realize that this is fundamentally at odds with the concept of marriage. that's why now I think that maybe you should seriously think about divorcing your wife, because it seems quite clear that you are very sure about pursuing a relationship with the other woman.
" Is it really all or nothing, which tends to be an American reaction... (I am American btw)"
No it's not all or nothing! You can choose to stay in your marriage and give up the other woman and any other romantic relationship besides with your wife. that is certainly not "Nothing," is it not?? having "just" your marriage and "just" your wife is far from nothing. If you feel that it is, then this is a sign that you shouldn't be married to your wife anymore and that she needs to be set free from you so she can find a partner for herself who will feel towards her the way you don't. that is, unless she doesn't mind that you don't have feelings for her. But does she even know that this is how you feel? It's unclear how honest you have been with your wife about your discontent in your marriage.
People who are content and fulfilled in their marriages do not go seeking new intimate relationships with other people. If they do it means they are deeply discontented with their spouse, but still staying married because they're afraid of losing whatever they do have with their spouse. Does your wife even know that you're this unhappy with the marriage? If not, you should tell her, since she's your wife and this is her marriage too, not just yours. She has a right to know what's going on and have a chance to have a say in her own marriage. If you no longer fit the bill as her husband, she should know that so she can decide if she wants to remain married to you or not.
If you're afraid to rock the boat by telling her some unsettling truths about how you feel towards the marriage, then you're just going to continue on in this miserable route feeling unhappy and like you have no option other than to do the immoral thing of having an affair and then your life will become a lot more stressful and your wife will most probably suffer a lot from your actions. That is, unless you tell your wife about the affair and she approves and gives you permission to go ahead and have the affair!
You say "I just want to clarify, when I say "I don't wan't to leave my wife" I mean have NO intention of leaving my wife and kids.
That's a very honorable decision, however, if this is your decision then it follows that you should give up the other woman and any other romantic relationship besides your wife. If you don't, then you will be doing something immoral and unethical and will be hurting your wife.
So, ask yourself: what's the point of staying in your marriage only to be undermining it and hurting your wife?
Maybe your love for your wife has turned into one of a platonic love, like siblings or roommates. You don't hate your wife, you may love her like a family member but you don't love her the way you want or need to love an intimate partner. And there are marriages that continue indefinitely this way. Such marriages can survive healthily if both partners are OK with this. But if one partner is not OK with this and starts seeking out intimate relations with other people, then this is a problem. Since marriage is meant to be your ONLY sexual relationship and your wife is supposed to be your ONLY sexual partner - if yours isn't that, then you can certainly stay in the marriage but it still makes it unethical to have an outside relationship with anyone else unless your wife knows and approves of it.
Divorcing your wife doesn't mean that you completely "lose" your family, as if they will suddenly be erased from existence. Your kids will still be your kids, you will still be their father and have a relationship with them. Depending on the relationship with your wife, you may be able to remain friends with her as ex-spouses (but this certainly won't happen if a divorce happens because she discovers you're having an affair).
You also have the very valid option to work on your marriage to improve it to meet your needs that right now you believe can only be met by the other woman. Then, you'll be able to have your cake and eat it too - in the sense of staying with your wife and yet having your sexual and intimacy needs fulfilled. But to do this, you need to start being honest with your wife and it will be a long hard road where you and your wife have to work together cooperatively on the marriage, and you can't do this if you're still intent on being with the other woman.
so basically you're not in an all or nothing situation. You seem to think your only options are to stay honorably married and miserable because of being deprived of intense needs, or to do the immoral thing of having an affair because you're "only human." But you do in fact have other options which are ethical:
1. Tell your wife that you want to have an intimate relationship with someone else but you dont' want to divorce her either. Be completely honest and open and hold nothing back. Give her all the information. Try to convince her to accept your affair. If she decides to divorce you then that's her right.
2. Stay married and give up the other woman, even if nothing else in your marriage changes. Consider this a sacrifice that comes with your marriage vows, since you're adamant about not leaving your wife. You can't have everything you want in life. And you chose to stay married, so honorably deal with the consequences of that choice which is to go without other things you really really want. If needed, see a counselor to help yourself cope with your feelings of discontent, since you've chosen to stay married.
3. stay married and work to IMPROVE your marriage so that it will fill the voids that right now you believe can only be filled by the other woman. Go to marriage counseling and start working on your marriage. But to do this, you must give up the other woman and you need to rock the boat with your wife by telling her of your deep discontent with the marriage so you two can figure out how you're going to improve the marriage and then struggle together cooperatively and indefinitely. If you don't give up the other woman and be honest with your wife about your true thoughts and feelings, you will only be undermining your own efforts to stay and improve your marriage.
4. Divorce your wife. If you don't want to work on your marriage, and you really want to pursue a relationship with the other woman, then to be honorable you should "man up" and leave your wife in an honest way so that you don't end up betraying her trust and hurting her even more by cheating on her. Start focusing your energy on how to break the news to your wife that you want a divorce, and how to have as amicable a divorce as possible (and know that if you shy away from this and have the affair and your wife finds out and then divorces you, then such a divorce will definitely not be amicable).
you're clearly in a lot of angst right now, which is understandable because some times in life you end up in messy situations. But instead of narrowly focusing your attention on the only options you have been (having an affair, or ... well you didn't really present any other option), expand your thinking to consider a wider range of solutions to your problem, those that are more ethical and less hurtful to your wife and family while also not ignoring your very real needs.
Whatever you do, some one will still suffer mental anguish - your wife and/or you, but that is to be expected because the very fact that you're in this situation means that there's been problems in your marital relationship and problems dont' get solved easily without someone feeling at least some pain. But there's a difference between hurting someone in an honest way versus in a deceitful and dishonorable way. The latter usually ends up being a lot more hurtful and with worse repercussions.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Give your wife the chance to decide for herself what kind of marriage she wants to be in. It's not a unilateral state, it's a partnership and both partners together decide on the rules of the union. If you would like to change the rules, the mutually agreed on basis of the union, your wife has the right to know. Were you coerced, forced or otherwise made to enter into the marriage against your will? If not, treat your wife with some dignity. That means don't lie to her, don't expose her to some other woman's sexual flora and fauna and don't pretend this won't bother her should she find out.
Otherwise, it's just all about you, isn't it? Which, based on your rationalizations and justifications, seems to be the case.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 July 2011):
 OP, I was being sarcastic.
If it is TOO FAR to talk to her about it...then choosing an affair, even a flirtation that she would not be ok with...
MERE TALKING!!! Then, no she is not going to be ok with you acting on it.
RedAthena, wrote "Ask your wife for permission. If she gives you her blessing, feel free to have a mistress."
My wife is French and open minded about sexuality, but I am afraid that would be goign too far. I think the French are more liberal in their perceptions of the limits of a marriage/relationship than we Americans, at least of my generation! Do you know a wife who accepts that situation? aApart from Anne Sinclair, Domique Strauss Kahn's wife, not too many come to mind!""
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 i thought as much ... this is a French/US thing. The French are more liberal. For Americans (like Brits) it is generally all or nothing. But ... have you not seen all those French films where despite the supposed liberality, it all goes horribly wrong and everyone gets upset/everyone's lives are ruined? Just don't go there, is my advice ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): OP u are in a sad state of delusion: you will leave and ruin everything. Your wife will be definitely betrayed/hurt and perhaps humiliated.Yet another man wanting his cake and eating it too?? Selfish and wants both wife and mistress???Oh OP, when do u sign on that dotted line: yes I am talking divorce bec u are going to throw it all away for a person who is just so unworthy.LoveGirl
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female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Is it possible to have a mistress without diminishing the love for your wife? Yes and no. Yes because a lot of men can separate love and sex (I think). No because she maybe ok with it at first, but gradually she is going to want more. You and your wife have been together for such a looong time and I don't think it will be worth the pain your family will go through. However I didn't really get the part where you said your wife is French and therefore open minded about sexuality.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (10 July 2011):
Reality check
If you do this, you will have fantastic sex/love ... and feel like a total bastard.
You will have to lie to your beautiful family.
It will all go wrong, they will find out and you will lose your life as you know it.
You will lose the world you have right now, forever.
So, is this other woman worth that? Because that is what will happen.
Do you want to say goodbye to your world forever?
If not, stop this nonsense. Be a grown-up. Tell yourself no fxxxxxg way, no.
If you can't control yourself in communication with her, then don't contact her.
You came here really to see if anyone would say 'hey, actually - mistress? Fine'. - But I am not saying that. And though the French may do this, you are not French. It would rip you apart. Don't even think of doing it. This should be a no-brainer.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (9 July 2011):
 I feel for you. I imagine this must be so difficult.
I don't believe you can get out of this situation without someone getting hurt. The noble thing for you to do, is to make sure its YOU who does the hurting.
Your wife deserves your fidelity. She has earned it. She should be the last person to hurt in this situation.
Now, something MUST be missing from your relationship with your wife, that this other woman fulfills.
I suggest you figure out what that thing is, and address it with your wife. You may be able to have a more fully satisfying relationship with your wife if you can figure this out.
The potential mistress must be your last priority. She may be an outstanding, incredible person, but you are committed to your wife. I can't imagine how painful this is for you. I'm sorry. Good Luck.
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male
reader, cnpassant +, writes (9 July 2011):
cnpassant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank your all for (rapid!) advice.
I just want to clarify, when I say "I don't wan't to leave my wife" I mean have NO intention of leaving my wife and kids.
I understand the risk of getting involved emotionally with another woman, but i have never really had a sexual/physical relationship without emotional investment.
Maybe i am mixing things up, that this is infatuation, the attraction is there and strong, but should not be assumed to be love?
RedAthena, wrote "Ask your wife for permission. If she gives you her blessing, feel free to have a mistress."
My wife is French and open minded about sexuality, but I am afraid that would be goign too far. I think the French are more liberal in their perceptions of the limits of a marriage/relationship than we Americans, at least of my generation! Do you know a wife who accepts that situation? aApart from Anne Sinclair, Domique Strauss Kahn's wife, not too many come to mind!
Perhaps my question should be rephrased:
Is it possible to have a mistress without diminishing or ruining my love for my wife? Is it really all or nothing, which tends to be an American reaction... (I am American btw)
Thanks again to all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): LoveGirl...you are so right, he will not listen until he loses everything and things don't turn out how he wants them to with the 'other woman'!!
Mark my words once you do realise and listen it will be too late, you will regret it for the rest of your life so just think of what hurt and damage you will cause if you act!! But buy the sounds of it you already know what you want to do....it is possible for you to fall for someone else, it is what you actually do about it that matters. Put this other woman behind you and concentrate on your wife and children and you will soon forget about her and be glad you haven't thrown everything away. You made those vows....But will you listen,who knows, I doubt it!
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female
reader, Jay_xxxxx +, writes (9 July 2011):
 Ask yourself this, if it was the other way around, would you like it if it was your wife that was thinking about cheating on you?
This could really hurt your family if they found out. It is wrong to have two relationships.
My uncle have been having a relationship with a women and is also married with a child. He finally managed to leave his wife but realised what he lost when he moved in with this women and is trying to go back to his wife as they live a 100 miles away and he hasn't been able to see his daughter, he has not only hurt his wife and daughter but he has hurt his whole family.
Really think about what could happen before you decide to cheat, please as this could badly hurt everyone
I hope I helped
Jay x x x
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (9 July 2011):
Ask your wife for permission. If she gives you her blessing, feel free to have a mistress.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 July 2011):
The only way I would condone you having two women at the same time is if both of them know of the other and both consent to you having the relationships.
In other words.. NO LIES... no cheating...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): My brother has a mistress and he is a basketcase. He cannot handle this and his health has deteriorated. Well he only has himself to blame.
Anyone gets hurt? Damn right they do. As yourself what u will do if your wife was having an affair. Walk in those shoes.
I think u are so far gone that u won't listen to anyone until you lose it all.
U know already that single mother is going to destroy your life. They always do but u will only admit it when your world is destroyed.
If u truly want to make amends then get rid of the other woman. That's the only way. Either your wife or the single woman who cares nothing about another persons marriage.
Warning bells OP, which u are choosing to ignore.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): What you're feeling for this other woman is not love, but infatuation. Your 'friendship' was based on mutual sexual attraction and nurturing it is only whetting your appetite not satiating it.
Instead of cutting ties and avoiding temptation you continue this 'friendship' and dream of more. And you're encouraging this woman's expectations. No, it 'ain't easy being human' and it seems you're determined to make it that much harder.
What advice can we possibly give you except that which you've already chosen to ignore?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (9 July 2011):
if you don't want to leave your wife or hurt her and your family, then you really should stop seeing the other woman.
If you don't want to do anything to hurt your family, then you should end all contact with this other woman. Since your wife was there first, and by your side for 25 years, and whom you took vows with, she's the one you owe loyalty to.
It's not possible to love two women and not hurt anyone. One of them will get hurt. Affairs have devastating effects on marriages. the longer and more involved you get with someone outside your marriage, the more you will emotionally disconnect from your wife. Unless you're a very good actor who can keep up an act 24/7 indefinitely, you will start to behave differently towards your wife and when you're around her. You've been married 25 years, so your wife knows you well and she will notice that you're behaving differently. Maybe it's already begun and she already notices changes in you. From here on if you continue on this path, it's a downward spiral - lies, cover ups, maybe she will "spy" on you...trust is being broken even if the affair hasn't been found out.
this is why it's really not possible to have an affair AND a happy healthy marriage at the same time. It's possible to have an affair and maintain a marriage indefinitely but it won't be a happy and healthy marriage, it would be one that becomes hurtful to your spouse and kids and your wife will eventually become very unhappy (if she isn't already). And this is assuming that the affair still hasn't been discovered.
and if you choose to be having an affair, you're gambling with your family's trust, respect and love. People in affairs often get caught so there's a very real possibility that this will happen. When this happens, the fall out is usually permanent (even if the marriage continues things are never the same again).
So by having an affair, you WILL be hurting your wife whether or not she finds out. Just because she hasn't found out, doesn't mean she's not being affected by it. If you don't want to hurt your wife, then don't have an affair.
you also say you don't want to get the other woman's hopes up? if so, then don't make her your affair partner. she will get hurt if you develop a relationship with her that leads nowhere. She's single so she will be left waiting alone while you "happily" go back to your wife and family after sleeping with her. This would be treating her very disrespectfully.
"I have never had a mistress in the 25 years i have been with my wife, but it is becoming very hard to not step over that line. A small push on her part and I would fall head over heels."
Since you know how hard it is not to step over that line, therefore the only right thing to do if you want to remain married, is to run far away from where that line is. This means ending your friendship with this woman, cutting off all contact with her. Remove yourself from temptation proactively, don't go seeking out the temptation. To do so is setting yourself up to fail.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): No, it's not possible. At least, not without destroying your marriage and damaging your family even if they don't find out, but probably eventually they will.
You are at a crossroads where you must choose. Many people have been in your shoes and chosen to try to have both like what you're asking because they don't want to choose, they want both. the outcome is always disastrous and full of bitterness and regret (for the one having the affair) in the end. read the pages of this forum, under 'cheating'...You still have a chance to avoid that.
now is the opportunity to make some hard decisions.
Really ask yourself if you love your wife, truly, or if you only feel attachment to her and a clinging to the security of the familiar life you know with her and are being too afraid to give up what you have to pursue something new that you really want.
Think about it. When you truly love someone deeply, you wouldn't want to stab them in the back. And the thought of keeping secrets from them will kill you. And yet, you're doing just that. So, how can you say you love your wife?
when you truly love someone you put their needs above yours. By cheating on your wife, you are putting your needs above hers. So how can you say you love her?
If you truly love your wife, the thought of being with anyone else would repel and you. You wouldn't even consider it. Yet you're not only considering it you're doing it and wanting more. So, how can you say you love your wife?
If you truly love your wife, you wouldn't be keeping secrets from her.
So why not be honest. I think you don't really love your wife, you just don't want to leave her because you're either too attached to her and the security she represents - your familiar cozy family life and daily routines, and/or you fear the reactions of her and your children if you were to pursue something else openly so you don't have the guts to change up everyone's life who's entangled with you even though you do want a new life.
But no you can't have both. You can try but every minute you spend with your mistress is time robbed from your marriage. Every lie you tell your wife, every secret you keep, builds a wall between you two. Eventually the wall will get bigger. Then your marriage relationship is ruined and your wife will wonder what happened, what has gone wrong, what did she do? And this is even if she doesn't find out about your mistress. This is a terrible thing to do to someone you claim to "love". This is why you can't have both. You have to choose if you want to avoid damaging your innocent family. And if she does find out that you've been backstabbing her (and the truth has a way of coming out when you least expect it), the damage done will be far worse than if you were to divorce her honestly now.
of course if you tell your wife you want to be with someone new she will feel hurt and outraged and devastated, but at the end of the day she can't argue with the truth. The truth being that this is how you honestly feel. You are leveling with her even though it means breaking bad news to her.
of course, you can also choose to give up your mistress, if you want to keep your marriage. Remind yourself of the ways in which your wife is better than your mistress and focus on those. also realize that having an affair while married is being hurtful to your mistress because she will probably want a "real" relationship with you not to be your dirty little secret. She will feel hurt and dismayed that you're not openly declaring your love for her by leaving your wife to marry her.
So you must choose. It's far better to shock your wife by leaving her for honest and reasons (even if they hurt her), than to have an affair and betray her and be keeping secrets and lies. At least if you come clean with her and divorce her, you hurt her intensely but at least you're being honest that you want someone new. But if you don't tell your wife and you go ahead and pursue the new relationship in secret, that makes you a coward and a traitor. and if your wife and kids find out anyway, they will hate you for it.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (9 July 2011):
 Someone will get hurt here. Be it this other woman, your wife or you. I think whatever you choose, you are bound to be wounded if even just a little bit. That's the truth. Make the right choice here. You have a wife and children who you obviously love very much. It isn't worth it to just risk all of that to pursue something with this other woman.
We are all bound to meet someone we have an instant connection with. You have that with your wife already don't you? You meet someone else whom you share a connection with but right now, that is all it is, a connection. Albeit a strong one. But you already have so much with your wife. Your WIFE. Don't forget, SHE is the mother of your children. SHE is the woman you've spent more than two decades loving. Perhaps you should be distancing yourself from that other woman as much as you can. You might feel like you regret it but then look at your wife and your daughters, they look up to you right now as the male figure in their lives. Years later when you're old with your wife, you'll remember how proud you are now and hopefully, you'll feel even prouder for having kept this marriage alive and well, you have a chance here to have one of those rare marriages that surpass most expectations which nowadays have sadly fallen.
What would you have to gain from a relationship with that other woman except regret when your daughters look down upon you. Trust me, I know what it is like to be the child.
It isn't wrong of you to have fallen in love with someone else as well as your wife, to have felt this way about someone else, but you're committed to one of them already.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (9 July 2011):
no way should you act upon this imagine what it would do to the family if anyone found out you would hurt your wife and children and how do you know this other woman would actually want to be with you properly if she has never even mentioned it i would stop fantasising about this other woman and focus on your family who need you
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (9 July 2011):
I've had a situation like this. If you act on this desire, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
You have a home, a family, and a wife you love. Nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, is worth throwing that away for. I strongly urge you, as a daughter, and as a person who has been in a similar situation, to distance yourself from this woman and work on strengthening your bond with your wife.
Before anything happens, put this behind you and remind yourself what is important. Be fair to this other woman as well as yourself and let this fade out. It's the only way to maintain your home, family, and sanity.
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