A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been having an affair with a friend of his family. This has been going on for a while and although my husband is sorry I am still trying to come to terms with it. This lady is well liked by his family and I have never met her. My husband's father has just died and this lady is going to be at the funeral. I don't want to go as I don't want to see her, feel very uncomfortable and feel as if they will all be talking about me behind my back. I have told my husband that I won't go because of the embarrassment he has caused me and that I am sorry but i cannot put myself through this. My husband is not happy. Am T a really bad person to do this?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Then file for divorce and take him for everything you can. Then let the bastard have his torrid lover and I hope in the long run he has to live with the pain of regret. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry.I think you did the right thing to show up.Maybe it's time to figure out what YOU want and go for it?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere is an update on this. I went to the funeral and the woman did not turn up. Whether she had been told to stay away or not I am unsure but she didn't come and I didn't ask where she was. It was a horrible day and I felt very uncomfortable but at least I went. His sister behaved terribly badly and the whole funeral was a nightmare. I feel pretty sure my husband has been in contact with her but I have stopped asking. I have not been to any family event since and don't think I will be attending anything anymore. I am just biding my time as I don't feel there is much left to save here.
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A
female
reader, KMarie +, writes (24 March 2011):
The affair partner should be told to stay away. That said, if your plan now is to save the marriage you should go. Your husband must never be in that woman's presence without you ever again. The emotional impact of a parents death and funeral will be leaving your husband vulnerable and possibly open to re-starting the affair. I should know, my husband's affair BEGAN at his father's deathbed and funeral, with a close family friend/member because I was unable to attend due to what it would have cost for me and our kids to fly alon with my husband, to another state to be there during that time. If I'd have been there it never would have happened.Take care.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Listen to sweet-thing - I agree with her totally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): I would feel exactly the same way if my father in law died. I found out close to two months ago that my husband had an affair and we are working on our relationship. I still feel sick about what happened and flip out every now and then...My point, if I had to face that b*tch at the funeral I would seriously think about not going...But then I think I would. If you want to keep this marraige that is. This will form part of your healing process, facing your fears...you will be stronger for IT. What is the worse that can happen? You show her that she can NOT take your man and he chose YOU over her? Good result I say.
Not that your husband deserves it considering the pain he has put you through but he will need you to be there for him and though you may not be close to his family, if they are aware of the affair and you still show up, I think they will appreciate the effort, if not respect you for it.
I don't know about you but I have a lot of fear since I found out about the affair. Fear of that he'll do it again, fear that she was better than me, fear of what people might say and so on. And if we give in to it, I believe it will have a debilitating effect and I think my life is f*ckd up enough without out it. So meet fear head on and take courage in knowing you will be stronger for it. Go to the funeral with your head up, I believe you will be fine.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 January 2011):
Aren't you just a little curious about her? I would be! Not only would I put my pride aside and attend with my husband but I damn sure wouldn't let him go alone, and give her all the more justification to think she can replace you! Oh yes, I would definately go, I would don a black dress that flatters my figure, I would hold my head up high, I would check her out and see what she looks like; what does the woman look like that my husband has been seeing. And maybe it's time for you to step up to the plate and do a slam dunk. Why slink into the corner? He's still married to you. I think you should give that woman a run for her money. The gloves are off. Forget the humiliaton, did it ever occur to you that it would be upsetting to her if she saw you there with YOUR husband, leaning on his shoulder, holding his hand, giving him the support that only his wife can give?! Yes, you should definately go! And hold your head high!
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (6 January 2011):
There is a way for you to make this difficult decision much easier, and use this situation to find out where your husband stands in your relationship. Firstly, listen to yourself rather than the advice of others, including us agony aunts and uncles, and even including pressure from friends, family, and your husband. You have stated that you really don't feel comfortable to go, and I support you in deciding what is best for you in such a difficult situation. However, your feeling of not wanting to go lies in this other woman being there from what you have said. Here is how to simplify the situation. Tell your husband that you would like to attend, but that you won't attend unless the other woman will not be there, and that in order for you to be there, you require that your husband speak to her and explain how difficult it will be for you to be there if she is there, and for him to tell her that she will not be able to attend out of respect for you. It might be argued that this is unfair on her, but that is part of the price she has to pay for having this affair and putting you in this situation. In my opinion, it is the honourable thing for her to do to stand down. Even if she was close to the father in a way that you are not, your husband is his son who is closest, and it is right that you be there with him, so in this circumstance she should stand down. Your husband will either be on your side or hers. It does put him in a difficult position, but that is part of his price for having had this affair. Tell him how you feel and see what he says. You also say he is not very sorry, this is a way to find out where his support lies. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 January 2011):
I think this might well be the defining moment of what's left of your marriage.
If you want your marriage to continue, then I think you need to go. For two reasons.
1 - If you don't, you'll be the one who looks bad in front of EVERYONE, including this woman who will be there to offer her comfort to your husband. Needless to say they'll all be against you.
2 - Because of you cannot go to this and be there for your husband regardless of her being there, then really what's the point in being married to him? You might just as well leave.
I know that you're hurting. But it comes down to a choice. You are either his wife, and in his moment of need regardless of all that shit he put you through, you will be there for him.
Or you might well just sign the divorce papers and not be there at all.
So, I think more than thinking about her, you now need to think about whether this marriage is worth bothering about at all. Are you the wife who will be there, or are you out?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I forgot to add, if your husband is worth his salt, then he will not allow her to be present at the funeral.
She can come to the visitation at the funeral home, generally those are open visitations, no problem, but being present at the funeral itself is a "not acceptable" regardless of her relationship to his father.
Don't forget that.
He's got to set a standard if he is truly regretting what he did.
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Only you know what's best for you..we can only give opinions. Do what u feel is rite for u and your marriage. But if you do attend and the other woman makes a show just let her. Don't be a art of that. That is verge disrespectful. And your husband should do a lot to protect you emotional like giving his family a heads up and lettig them kno he wants to make it.work and he's lucky ur giving him a chance. And if any one should be gettig the evil eye it should be him.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You really need to fight for this or you will forever be the underdog and your husband will do just what he likes knowing you are being a bit soft. No one can make you do what y ou don't want to do but i sincerely feel that you will be giving in to all and they will walk all over you, including the other woman. If your husband really cared what y ou think he would pave the way to make things easier and let his family know, y es, he made a mistake but now you are his wife and they must respect y ou as such.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (5 January 2011):
 No, you're not a bad person, just a person with feelings like the rest of us. I offer that you should go to the funeral despite not wanting to put yourself through that. You are his wife, and he needs you there by his side.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I would go. I would use this as a way of building your own strength in adversity. If you don't attend it says to this 'other woman' that she still has a hold on you and your marriage. Its time to be tough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): They are probably already talking about you behind your back, so that won't change.
If you don't go, that will trigger even more talk.
If you liked your husband's father, then go.
Going with your husband re-establishes the primacy of your place in your husband's life, as opposed to the affair partner's place in his life.
I understand, this is difficult, those of us who have had to deal with an affair by a partner frequently don't have to deal with this type of confrontation, but in your case you have to "stand up for yourself".
It is better if you go, with him, if you want the marriage to continue. If you are thinking he isn't worth it, then it doesn't matter.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 What is the funeral custom there? Could you arrive very early, pay your respects to the deceased, make sure you sign whatever guestbook they have, talk to the officiant, basically make sure it's known you've been there, then leave, letting the officiant know how fragile your feelings are due to his infidelity. Let him know you don't want to create a scene and have no wish to play a supporting role in this woman's drama. Send a gorgeous floral display as well.
Do you have children? And are you hoping to save the marriage or are you just going through the motions?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 January 2011):
 This woman is well liked.... she'll be liked even more when she attends the funeral instead of you. You must do as you like, if you can't go, then you can't. But you will be the one who looks unfriendly and stuck up, whilst she will look kind and supportive.
People will talk more about you, and say unkind things if you don't show your face. Your not a bad person, your a person who has been hurt and wants to hide away. However, people remember who stays away from a funeral for a very, very long time.
It's your call...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only met my father in law once as he lived a long way away but he seemed nice enough. It is the females of the family who all hang together and hold the power. I am not part of that crowd as I work long hours and made my husband move to my county when we got marrried. I truly don't think I could attend as I hate all eyes being on me and this lady is a strong charcter and will probably turn up like something from Dynasty. I am sorry his father is dead but I know this lady will be strutting her stuff and making a show and I really don't want to be party to it. I understand they will all talk about me because i am not there but weighing up the two sides I feel this is preferable to having to be in the same space as this cheating woman and my sorry to say not very sorry husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is a difficult situation and I wouldn't want to be put in that position. I'm sorry they have done this. His family should ask her not to attend the funeral out of respect for you imo. You should tell your husband that she should not attend the funeral. Especially if you had a close relationship with his father it's important for you to be able to pay respects. You are his family, and you should come first.
I'm not clear on whether your husband is still having an affair with her? That complicates the situation even more.
I would be inclined not to attend if she does and you feel it will be too stressful for you and cause you harm. You are not a bad person and you have done nothing wrong here.
If they won't stop her from attending, and somehow you feel you can do it in spite of all of this, go knowing that you have done nothing wrong here, she and your husband are the ones who should feel embarrassment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2011):
Go, if you liked/loved/cared for your Father in Law. This is not about HER/YOU or the affair, it's about honoring the man who just passed away.
Keep the petty differences aside. I just wouldn't talk to the lady. Not too hard to avoid her if you really want too. THIS is YOUR family, not hers.
Support your MIL and your husband. Forget about her. Simply rise above it and take the high ground.
Now if she tried to be all buddy or touchy/feely with your husband, quietly tell her to go fly a kite on the interstate.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (5 January 2011):
I think if you had a good relationship with your father-in-law, then out of respect you should consider attending.
If you didn't have a good relationship with him, then if the family still likes this other woman AND were aware of your husband's affair with her, then if you don't want to attend I don't blame you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I think you should go. If you do go your showing his support, you should also pay respects your father in law. You shouldn't care what they say behind your back and turst me they will say more if you don't go
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (5 January 2011):
Go to your father in laws funeral and stand by the side of your husband. This will show his other woman that he means business and is on the road to trying again with you. I can't believe how insenstive she is being and surely his close family will support you not her, or they should. The other woman will maybe find herself pushed out by others and she may leave anyway. She could mark her respects later when the family have left.
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A
male
reader, ranger123 +, writes (5 January 2011):
Remember, your husband is the one who screwed up, not you. Out of respect for your feelings, this woman should have been told by your husband or his family to stay away from the funeral. Family friend or not, this woman should not attend the funeral. I know this much, my family adores my wife and if I had an affair with a "friend of the family", she would not be a friend any longer and would not be welcome at the funeral. Frankly, your husband and his family are showing you no respect in this matter. You could of easily left him over this affair. I side with you, I would not attend the funeral if she is there. In fact, I would be calling a good divorce lawyer. You hold the hammer here, not your husband or his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): personally, i funeral is where you pay ur respects to the person who has passed away..put ur issue aside and think about his father, im sure he would have want you there! and also, if u do go... go with ur head held high and act like everything is goin well for u and ur husband despite the issue! coz it only makes u look stronger and feel stronger.. coz at the end of the day, he could have chosen to be with her.. but instead chose to be with YOU! despite his unfaithfulness!
I suggest you go
All the best x
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A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (5 January 2011):
That's a hard place. One one hand you should go to respect his father, to say good bye, and to support your husband. On the other your going to be stuck on her and what they did. Where you close to his father? If you don't go will the mistress try to be there for him? Is going there just to make an appearance an option? How do you get alone win his family? I imagine it must be hard knowing they like her.
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