A
male
age
51-59,
*as the happist guy
writes:First time post here, a bit nervous. You know how there are always two sides to a story, right? I am trying my best to keep this non-biased. I really need help.I met my wife when I was 17, she was 16. It is now 20 years later. We never fought, always laughed and had fun. No matter what we did, we shared and included the other, even in just talking about details. We were the couple everyone said they wanted to be and asked our secret to being happy.For the past two years I have noticed things changing. Granted, she had family problems and a recent death of a parent. In the past we always comforted each other during these times. Okay, to speed things up a bit...I cannot remember the last time she: reached for and held my hand; said "I love you" besides terminating a phone call; went out on a date with me; said good morning; said goodnight; initiated sex; kissed me, etc etc. I blew a lot of this off due to family problems, but it gets worse...she texts her friends but not me. She has "inside jokes" with friends, not me. When I travel for work she has friends over has a great time. When I am home she falls asleep on the couch by 10pm every night.I asked her about this. She said she did not realize it was happening, but she has had trouble connecting with me since the death of her parent. We talked and I asked her to spend just 10 minutes a day with just me..no phone, no tv, just holding hands and talking about our day. The only times it happened is when I asked for it. During sex, she won't kiss me, look at me, touch me, but (for some reason) it's still good. REALLY GOOD. I am so in love with her body and touching her. I just feel isolated. She always says "I'm too tired/don't feel like it" but she masturbates in the bath and hides it from me.She says we will be okay. Oh my god I love this woman so much and it just hurts. What can I do?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (6 January 2011):
Sometimes the loving action is not what you think it is. Sometimes, as you would know having kids, tough love can be what a person needs. I don't mean unkindness. What I mean is this: You are doing too much for her and its helping her stay in her depression or grief, or whatever it is that is causing her to go to the bathroom for hours, lie about going to work so she can get high with her friends, and generally not connect with you. Whe you have all the housework done, laundry, candles, kindness, attention, you are taking such good care of her that she is not doing a good job of taking care of herself, and not taking care of you. She is not taking care of you and as your partner, she should. Stop doing everything, and start doing what's fair. Do your part, and start to expect that she does hers. If she has time to see friends make sure you have time to see your friends too. If she isn't giving you her love, don't stop giving you hers, but do tell her that she is not giving it to you and that you need it. There is another reason to do this: being the nice guy isn't sexy. Make a bit of space for her to start to desire you and want your affection again, and want to connect. This might be hard for you because you are obviously a caring and loving guy, but if you give a bit of that love and caring to yourself and your self respect, it will enhance your relationship, and its the loving thing to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I would be concerned that she may be cheating if she is spending a lot of time with a male friend. If all of this started before the loss of her parent, so that is obviously not the cause of whatever is going on.
You need to sit down and have a long talk with her about what is going on in her head before she withdraws from you so much that you no longer have a marriage.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Was the happist guy +, writes (5 January 2011):
Was the happist guy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat stuff everyone! Thank you! Although her parent died about a year ago, this has been going on for over two years. I really try to let her know every day I am "here" and attentive. Since it happened, I have done all the housework, all the laundry, everything. Every day when she comes home, she walks into a clean house with her favorite candle lit. I have yet to get a "thank you". She usually walks by me, goes into the bathroom for hours.
The next problem I briefly mentioned is the friend thing. She has a male friend that is a mutual friend. I am not really comfortable with this, but she asks him to do things (as a friend, but still social stuff). She has told me she is going to work, but goes to his place to get high. This may sound strange because you don't know us/her, but it is not that I am worried about her cheating, well maybe a bit jealous of the attention he gets.
I asked her about it, and she made the point that she is just trying to have fun and be social because her mind is a mess. She has always got along with guys more than girls, no worries of cheating, but I don't want the situation to rise. I just hate that she does not ask me to do these things. That comes full circle to my question, how do I help her to connect more with me?? I don't want to seem overbearing and make it worse, however I don't want to do less and make the space between us bigger. Help?!
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Not only is your wife grieving, which could take a long time to come to terms with, she could also be hitting a mid life crisis and wondering if she's been missing out on something because she has been with you so long. Has she recently found some new friends that havent been around for long, sometimes this can alter the way we act because they seem to be enjoying life better or doing something different. Is she at the menopausal age and having hormone swings, you need to rule out any health issues. Really it could be a hundred things, but for sure you need to talk openly as you always do and see if you can't sort it out. Outside influences could be there as well.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 well how long ago did her loved ones death? She could still be feeling a flurry of things right now. Perhaps you could try and actively reconnect with her. Go on dates again if/when you know she has fully dealt with the loss of her parent, it is a delicate matter though so treat it with care. Perhaps all she needs is time.
You are her husband, be the source of her joy and let her know that you still wish to be there for her.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Well not to raise concerns to cause a argument these inside jokes with txts to friends arent male friends are they is she always inviting friends over while your out of the house or do they visit while your home too? That is a strange thing she'd rather talk to a friend than her lifemate with these concerns everyone grieves differently and pain of loss especially recent is something that is learnt to be pushed to the back of the mind after a while but is never forgotten.
I'd try to allow her to talk about what is bothering her when she's ready she is obviously grieving still don't force her to talk and confide though! For if she feels she has to this can push people away from you and you don't want that.
Allow her time to grieve and heal dont be pushy just let her know your there for her and when she feels she is ready to confide in you and give affection again she'll come to you don't worry she knows you love her, she just needs the assurance your there for her still itll get better for you just don't be overly pushing with me me i want when she is grieving.
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