A
male
age
51-59,
*oveless t
writes:i have been married for 11 years to the same women, i have never cheated on her. two months ago our fighting got really bad and i was ask to move out the house. then one night she ask to talk to me, i went over to the house where she told me she thinks she is gay. i was destroyed, then later i pressed her to find out did anything happen between them, she said no then called me back and said yes but it was over. later she said they met a year ago and then met 5 times until last month they kissed. we have two children together she says she needs space. i don't want to end iti love her that much. it seems that she is confused one day she tells me she loves me and she miss me and then ask for space i feel 11 years to one year affair is no match. does this mean the marriage is over?
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male
reader, loveless t +, writes (1 September 2011):
loveless t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is what i want people to understand yes i was neglectful but neither one of us went to marriage counling or therpy through our 11 years together, i agree this women is using her and she doesnt see it. she wants both worlds and i cant do that any more i told her yesterday at mediation that i want a divorce. this may push her into the other womens arms but she knows the lies she told and continue to tell her friends and family. yesterday at mediation she said i keep saying she's a cheater and a lier but she's the one that text me saying onedaythat she feels so ashamed and guilty because she lied, I told her she called back a few minutes and told me then she said " but cheating is lying" she can tell people what she wants but we both know the truth and she has to pay the price for that not me.
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (31 August 2011):
I was in exactly your shoes not too long ago. These books saved my life.
www.womensinfidelity.com
This woman is a genius, and a saint (as well as a devil) for the truths she tells, and the lessons she imparts.
You and your wife owe it to yourselves to read these, carefully, twice.
I may start sounding like a poster boy for this author, but the truth is, I'm not affiliated in any way. I'm just an incredibly grateful person who is still alive because of what her books taught me.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.
Even though you took vows together and you love her; you can't change someone else or make them love you if they don't.
You sound like a smart man - if she asked to go into mediation with a lawyer; you are right, it sounds like she wants to negotiate a separation or divorce proceedings.
You have been a faithful spouse and love your kids. Now is the time to protect them. Go for full custody unless you want them raised by her lover.
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A
male
reader, loveless t +, writes (30 August 2011):
loveless t is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe says she was loveless in our relationship i dont think she is gay
i think she had a emotional affair with this person then moved into more.
her being gay to me is a cover up of the affiar, she tells everybody it was only a month but phone records show it started in nov 2010 and still she is texting her. saying you love me and you miss me and blowing me kisses yesterday is sending mixed signals
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): She and myself go to therapy she don't want couples counseling
We are going to go to medication together this week there I feel she going to drop the bomb divorse
she said recently
. I love you. I believe we will get thru this and rebuild a friendship. But we need space. And no txting. I hear u r sorry. Everything is going to work out.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Have you asked your wife is she is willing to go to counseling with you to help her sort out her feelings towards the marriage?
She has asked for space and perhaps that is what she best needs for a few days to sort out her thoughts. She might be very confused about her sexuality and emotions towards you. Sometimes that internal conflict causes people to pick fights with those closest to them.
You may not be ready to call it quits, but if she comes to that choice there is really not much you can do.
If she will not go to counseling with you: Go yourself. You will need some guidance going through your own emotional minefield and possible complications with your children.
I can imagine this feels like like an avalanche of emotion, but you will eventually stand strong again. It will take time and momentum forward.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (30 August 2011):
I suppose the first question is do you think the marriage is over? You say you don't want to end it, so you're prepared to get past the fact that she cheated? Fair enough.
The next question is whether she wants to work at the marriage. If her heart isn't in it, there's not much you can do. Get yourself to a qualified marriage counsellor and get some objective advice.
As the first response said, her figuring out her sexuality is an important step, but it's not the only one. If she is wanting to explore whether she's genuinely bi, and you're willing to accommodate that exploration, that might buy some time for her to think things through without having to make an all or nothing decision right now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2011):
 "she thinks she is gay"
well if she is a lesbian then there is not a lot that can be done to change that... if she is bisexual that's a different kettle of fish
I guess the first thing she has to do is figure out her sexuality and before that happens everything has to be up in the air...
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