A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not sure about something and wanted to get some opinions before I act. I have been separated/divorced from my ex for about three and a half years now. It was a bitter divorce, and up till now we have avoided contact except for emails and texts about our teen son and custody situations and arrangements. However, I have been consumed lately about thoughts of how she's doing. I hear bits and pieces from my son, but I admit I'd like to know more...just about how she's doing. We've both moved on and are with new long term partners, so I don't want to create any ripples, but we were together a very long time and share decades of memories and experiences. I'm sure she must feel the same, but right now it feels like a competition as to who can hold out the longest or pretend to not care. Well, I DO care and don't see the harm in initiating contact. Not to reminisce, not to try to "get back" in any way...just to have an open, friendly convo about where we are in life, how the families are, etc.So, should I keep it the way it has been for the past few years and leave things well enough alone, or should I reach out? How would you feel if you were with someone for a few years and they reached out to an ex wife or ex husband to just say hi?Just trying to get others' perspectives. Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): Even though many of us may have missed the mark, I still maintain that:"An email about how she is, how work is, what are her plans, how is her family, etc. I actually do not ask these questions of my son because I do not want to make him a messenger or make him feel awkward." - that all becomes null and void when you DIVORCE. Anytime a boyfriend or girlfriend, engaged couple, living together couple, whatever they are split up, it's OVER. Your right to expect, or want, or need to know those answers become obsolete. The ONLY reason you still have ANY contact at all, even one worded one, with your EX-wife, is because of your SON. Anything else, just causes problems - especially because you have a new partner, you probably discussed the very bad ending/drama even though it was mutual, and now after some time you want to re-connect to ask the above questions? Why?You must question yourself, WHY are you so keen to know these things of your ex-wife? How she is, how her job is? huh? It's irrelevant to you now. You have your own partner now, your own family, your real friends. Your ex-wife is only the mother of your son now. She has probably settled into the new routine, or the NEW NORMAL, I would still highly recommend not to rock the boat.Some of us probably spoke from our own experiences. I know I for one, who dated a divorced guy who always said what a b**** his ex was, [and I witnessed her being one when he would pick up the kids] eventually with time if he had to wonder the above questions and want to get in contact with her, [when the dust settled so to speak] even in email, would make me feel threatened and wonder why he was wanting this NOW after all this time? You may think a simple email is all it would be - but she would reply, perhaps she would feel the same as you, that things are not so bad anymore, and you would reminisce and who knows what could happen? So to PREVENT that, or any other complication, it's best to leave well enough alone.You can be friendly when you pick your son up, you can try and open conversation to more than HI, and if she doesn't make any response, you have your answer. It's one sided.Go in peace ;-) Enjoy your current relationship, it's good you have made peace with the past and no longer have negative feelings for your ex wife, you do have the 20 yrs after all, and she is the mother of your son, that will never change, and you did love her once, maybe always will in a way, but see it as something from the past, keep the good memories, and be a good dad and ex-husband in what you are doing: wanting the best for them, paying your support and encouraging them. Well done
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): OP here. I truly appreciate the answers, but I am shocked at a few things. First, I can never understand how so many answers here on DC have to be so black or white...as in, you either ignore someone or need to be completely involved. I am quite a bit more in control of me feelings than many of you give me credit for. I can assure you I do not want to "date' my ex or "get back" with her. I am simply interested in contact beyond the one or two word answers that have occurred for several years now. We did that initially because the pain was severe and we always wound up in an argument. But when we parted, it was obvious, and we agreed, we were good friends but needed to move on. It was mutual. You don't know someone for 20 years and then just "leave it alone" like it never happened. Some people maintain connections, even after an episode of trauma. Hell, haven't any of you had a friend you have gotten in serious fights with, only to reconcile later? I'm talking about reconciling the friendship and civility we once had...not going out on a date. And to compare a 20 year relationship with the mother of your child to a high school buddy is not the same, I'm sorry. I don't hear much from my son actually, as many of you have assumed. In fact, I hear nothing. My son seems surprised I don't know stuff when he tells me. Basically, I know she's alive and she's cashing my checks and that's about it. And I don't know why one of you went on and on about meeting her face to face. I never suggested that...an email would be all I'm talking about. I guess a lot does not get conveyed well in a post here. Partly my fault for poor choice of words..."consumed" does really not accurately define my feelings. Perhaps it would be better to say "a need for clarity and more direct communication".One good point many of you bring up is my current partner and how that would affect her. I have thought about that and refrain from contacting my ex for that very reason and probably will keep it that way. Iknow if I were to start regular conversation with my ex at this point, it would concern her. But I'm not talking about a regular thing...just a nice, thorough email asking about certain facets of things...how she is, how work is, what are her plans, how is her family, etc. I actually do not ask these questions of my son because I do not want to make him a messenger or make him feel awkward.Again, I appreciate the feedback, but I sense I am being misunderstood by most of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): How would you feel if your gf was reaching out to another guy because they have shared years of memories together in the past? How would you feel if it turns out your ex wife has zero sentimentality for the past she shared with you? You're not in a good place emotionally now if you're getting obsessed with your ex. What you need to do is to sort out what is going on in your head, not "reach out " to her. That's inappropriate by the way. You're trying to create a path that may lead to cheating if the conditions were as you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Why have you "lately" been "consumed" about knowing more about her? It isn't like you've been out of touch all these years. You've been in touch regarding your son. Is your current relationship on the rocks? Be honest with yourself.You are heading towards a train wreck in your current relationship if you persist in this line of thinking. So what if you have shared memories? You have shared memories with old classmates and friends from school but you don't stay in close contact with all of them forever nor do you get "consumed" with wanting to reconnect just for the sake of having shared some years of history in the past. If you reach out, you are disrespecting both your current partner and your ex wife. Yes you're disrespecting your ex because you know she has a mew man in her life therefore it is inappropriate to reach out to her with these open ended intentions. What does your current gf think about whether you should reach out to your ex? Were you intending to keep it a secret? This is not a good sign.It sounds like you have not moved on from your ex. After 3 years some of the pain of the divorce has settled down so now you're left wanting again to try to have the relationship that it wasn't. In the interest of moving on you need to not go down that road unless you want to ruin your current relationship and possibly bring the wrath of your ex down on you all over again for disreapecring her new relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): It took time to close the wounds and to move on with your life. There has been peace between you, and it has kept everything moving forward.
I don't recommend getting sentimental and trying to go back. It may reopen wounds. She may not be as happy to hear from you, in any way; accept regarding your common interest. Your son.
Other than the child between you, you no longer share your lives. They are now with other people. It is always better to let sleeping dogs lie; when everything is working well without incident or conflict. If you need to know what's happening with her family, check social media. Ask your son. If he doesn't know, it's because he doesn't care.
Follow his example.
She divorced you and gave you a difficult divorce; because all you meant to her at the time was pain and frustration.
You won't necessarily stir up good memories for her. You may trigger the bad. She has a new partner now. He may not care for your re-entering her life outside the realm of co-parenting. Your business with this woman is otherwise finished. You'll only stir up suspicion and trepidation; if you once went after her with a lawyer.
Forgive, and continue to move on.
You can keep your goodwill and pleasant memories as they are, by not opening a Pandora's Box.
It is best to show how you feel by your actions. That would include, fulfilling your responsibilities as the father of your son. Making an appearance at family gatherings that welcome your attendance. Offering your input when there is a crisis that involves your son's well-being. Sending your condolences during grief and loss.
Otherwise; let her be.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 You ask: "...should I keep it the way it has been for the past few years and leave things well enough alone, or should I reach out?"
My perspective is to "....should I keep it the way it has been for the past few years and leave things well enough alone...." Do this. No good can come from the alternative.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): My opinion? Leave well enough alone!It was a bitter divorce, you finally have some peace, KEEP it that way. Only have contact regarding your son, that is all you need to do. Just like other people who break up, they leave their ex in the past. A chapter in the book of their life which is over, especially if you moved on and have a new partner.As someone who dated a divorced guy and allowed him his freedom in dealing with his b***** ex-wife, I would not have been happy to hear what you are suggesting. Yes you have a past, enjoy the memories but you got divorced for a reason and the only reason you even still have any contact is because of the child. You should now focus on your new partner, and your son. Thinking about your ex wife in this manner is counter productive.You already hear bits and pieces from your son - that is enough. If it's not, then perhaps you're not as over her as you thought. You have healed from the hurt of the divorce, now you are thinking of her as a friend, next step the old feelings come back, and you got yourself a lovely mess. She moved on too, I'm sure her new partner would not welcome it either.Sure, there are some couples that divorce happily and stay friends, but they are that way from the separation, divorce and onwards. Not like you two where you had a vicious battle and now that the dust has settled, you are ? confused?So, yes you should leave things as they are.How would I feel if I'm with a divorced guy and he suddenly decides he wants to reach out to his ex? I'd feel threatened, I'd questioned his feelings for me, for us, and I would be pissed.You asked, there you have it. Our opinions!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Baby steps OP. Why not send her an email? What's the need to be in person and talk to her about?
That would perturb me if I was your current partner.
Years of nothing then you suddenly decide you want to find out how her life is in person?
I have to question your motives here OP.
"Consumed lately" doesn't sound good to me, that's not a casual "just wondering how her life is" because you know how her life is from your son.
You're looking for a reconnection here so you saying not to reminisce is a lie to yourself OP.
OP you say you see no harm, but you're already in contact with her, it's not like you know nothing about her or how her life is. You want in again, otherwise why are you "consumed"?
Put yourself in your partners shoes and imagine she read your post. Wouldn't look good OP, because your post is so very clearly you trying to convince us and yourself that this is merely a desire to find out how she's doing but your language and actions betray you completely.
Firstly you know how she's doing, you know all the casual details of her life through your son. Secondly you want a conversation in person not just ask her through email. Thirdly this is "consuming" you which denotes a level of emotion and passion far beyond what you claim it is. Fourth after all these years you need to examine what it is in your life that suddenly makes you almost desperate to reconnect with her.
You see it's so very obvious you miss her. You also assume she must "feel the same". That's a hell of a lot of feelings still there OP and as a partner to you I'd be very worried and have good reason to.
OP have a long serious think about your motives and whether this really is a good idea. if you've only just gotten to a stage where things are pretty cordial and you have a good custodial system set up over your son then why do you want to do anything to risk the status quo?
You need to stop lying to yourself that this is just you wanting to catch up, otherwise why would you need to ask us? You obviously think something is off about this idea or you wouldn't be looking for second opinions. I think your head is telling you it's a bad idea but your heart is trying to convince it's not.
Trust your gut here OP, it's telling you something is up here and you shouldn't act against it.
If you're going to do this then at least be honest with yourself and everyone else that this is you attempting to reconnect with her. Because quite simply OP you are looking for quality time with her and frankly it sounds like you want to do that in a date format. Nowhere do you mention inviting her to a family dinner with your and her partner, you want quality alone time with her.
Do I think it's a bad idea? Yeah I do, I think just attempting it would be enough to cause ripples and your motivations are bullshit. I'm sorry but they are. You don't get consumed by the idea of knowing how someone is when you already have access to that info.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2013):
 I had to deal with this with my husband and it only created more drama to be honest.
They had been divorced almost 6 years when we met, so you would have thought they were both OVER the marriage, break up and divorce, but the ex-wife wasn't - heck even now some 20+ years AFTER the divorce and I still don't think she is over it. ( she hasn't dated since at all).
Anyhow, my husband talks to the kids on Skype and phone and went to see his daughter when she was looking at some of the colleges who were willing to give her full ride scholarships - his ex- wife was there too and I think she actually assumed he had come to she HER ( the ex wife) and not the daughter. And that soon after escalated into her starting all kind of stuff, not only with my husband but with me.
It was annoying to say the least.
I get that you two were together of a long time and shared a LOT of memories and a child, but you also need to accept that you two let EACH OTHER go.
I would call and talk to her if you need to talk to her about your son, and then you CAN casually ask how SHE is doing, but I would not try and be her friend. Not yet. Maybe no ever. SHE isn't a friend, she is YOUR ex-wife.
You can be civil, but I would (if I were your new partner) honestly question your motivation for your NEED to check up on the ex-wife. And I would be really pissed if you thought it would be OK to discuss OUR (figuratively speaking) relationship with your EX-wife. That would be a total no-go for me.
Why now? How is your own new relationship going? WHY the need? Unless you can explain in a way that really makes sense to a new partner, I don't really think it's a great idea.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Depends on who caused the main problem with the marriage in the first place!
Maybe she's still in pain over the end of the marriage and just wants to move on with her life and forget it happened.
You cannot force the other person to engage with you and form a friendship after divorce, everyone has their own limits, but it doesn't mean you have to stop caring...maybe just keep it to yourself...obviously she's moved on and it's better to leave things be.
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