A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 years. I have also been in a relationship with someone else for the past 4 years. I have come to the point where I don't want to be married anymore. The person that I'm in the relationship witb has a girlfriend also. I don't know if I want to be with him but I do have feelings for him. I really don't know what to do. I know that my feelings for my husband aren't there anymore.
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (8 July 2008):
 What you did to put it as delicately as I can say...was STUPID!
How can you get involved with this other guy before you got married and went on to continue seeing him for three years into your marriage. What were you thinking? You think its ok to cheat on you husband this way. If you've fallen out of love with your husband its because you never were committed to him from the start. Did you meet this guy and fuck the day after your wedding? Did you go on telling yourself.."Its ok, I did it before I married...I can still do it."
It's obvious marriage is not sacred to you.
Why did you get married? What was the point of it. Was it love? It couldnt have been love, because you were so willing to risk your relationship the first day you met this other guy. On top of it all he has a girlfriend!
What does that make you? You are side dish. If you think divorcing your husband will get you in good with your other guy think again. He has no respect for you. He knows you are a cheat...because you cheat to see him!
This guy is using you for sex and you refuse to see it. DO you think he loves you? Of course not! He has a steady girl to love...or deceive into thinking there is love, like he's doing to you.
Let's break this all down. You don't love your husband...because you say so and prove it in your actions. Your other guy doesnt love you....because if he DID he wouldnt have allowed you to get married and then hook up with a steady girlfriend.
SO what have you got...NOTHING!! Its time to clean the slate, divorce your husband...a terrible thing to put him through, but its for the best. Then stop fooling yourself about guy number 2...he is no good! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! He is using you!
Yeah you have to get them BOTH out of your life. AND then you need to do some serious thinking about what you want in a relationship. You are not out for love. You are out for the thrill. Living dangerously cheating on your husband was the thrill you lived for, but suddenly you are starting to see the big mistake you made. You made this mistake because you dont know what you want.
Its time for you to grow up or at least realize you are not ready to grow up yet.
But the first intelligent thing to do is break up with your husband.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 I'm with ChiRaven on this one too. Why on earth would you stand up and take vows with someone when you were involved with someone else? You need to seriously look at what your promises to another human being actually mean to you, because until you know what you want and how to keep a promise, you are going to keep going around in circles. Love and marriage isn't about finding the right person, it's about *loving someone else* enough to want to be that right person for them, Hun. It would seem that you have a lot of reflecting to do in order to figure this all out.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (8 July 2008):
 OK, so you got married during your relationship with another guy?
Why?
Figure THAT one out and you'll be well on your way to figuring out what your next step should be. That should tell you what you were expecting from your marriage, and from there you can see where you are most likely to be able to FIND whatever it is that you're really looking for. Obviously you don't seem to be finding it with either of the two guys you're with now.
My best guess is that you should probably drop both of these guys and start all over, because you are not really finding fulfillment in either relationship. But maybe after you look deep inside yourself you'll come to a different conclusion.
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A
female
reader, Umari Solanthus  +, writes (8 July 2008):
 If you don't have feelings for your husband anymore then perhaps you should consider calling an end to it. There is no point in staying married to someone that you no longer love. Even if you are not ready for divorce yet, you could separate and lead separate lives.Also, even if you do separate from your husband, this does not necessarily mean that you have to be with the person you're currently seeing. You could take time out to sort out your feelings, decide whether or not you do want to be with him, and also if he would be prepared to be with you, since he also has a girlfriend and may or may not be prepared to leave her for you.Just remember that you don't necessarily have to be with anyone, and that time alone to sort out your feelings is just as valuable as the time you spend with someone. But if you no longer love your husband then you should consider telling him you no longer love him.
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