A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have a five year old daughter together. after an eight year relationship he says that he dont love me. days after he tells me this he is with another woman. i do not want my daughter to see him if he is with her. what do i do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 August 2008):
Well she's your daughter too, and I think you definitely have a say as to whether or not she's around this new woman. First off, you don't know if your ex is in something really serious with her. Don't be rude and bitchy. Just calmly and as civil as possible, let him know that you would appreciate it if the visits were done solo--while the OW is not around. It's not very healthy for a child her age to be meeting all of daddy's girlfriends. It can be confusing and give her a warped idea of things in the future. If the relationship between he and the OW become more serious then consider allowing your child to be around her as well.
A
male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Well I can see your point about not wanting your daughter to be with the OW now.... but you need to realise that going forward there is nothing you can do to stop it, any efforts you make may well result in leagal action or your daughter blaming you in future years.
Talk to your ex and explain whist your not comfortable with it now maybe one day. You never know she may be just as nervous as you are?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I am assuming that you no longer live together and that he now lives with this other woman? If you are still living together then it would be highly inappropriate for your daughter to meet this new woman until after he has moved out at which point the rest of my answer then holds true.
After a break up, it is always very hard to think of your children meeting your ex's new partner and pretty natural that you would wish it to never happen.
But, if they are in a serious relationship it is something that is impossible to avoid, and it wouldn't be good for the child to be refused access into an important part of one of their parents lives.
You need to accept that he is with someone else now, and that someone will become a small part of your daughters life. By the same token one day you will meet someone new and they will meet your children and become part of their life as well.
The important thing to think about is what is best for your daughter. It would be damaging to meet a series of new woman each introduced as "daddies new girlfriend", just as it would be damaging if you were bringing a different guy home every week (not saying you would of course!). After all, what type of security would that give her?
You and your ex-boyfriend need to discuss this issue and agree that your daughter will only be introduced to new partners by either of you when it is appropriate to do so, which means when you know the relationship is going to be a serious, long term one and not before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Your bf is the legal father and he does have the right to have visitations with his own daughter, but your daughter is likely struggling with her Dad out of the picture. I think you would be very wise if you can do anything to have your child's father visit with her, without the new lady along. It's would be just too soon for this little girl to absorb. Your daughter's family, as she has known for 5 years, has been devastated and this is a big loss for her. She needs to grieve in her own time, heal and and recover from the shockwaves of how that has shaken her world. Children think differently than adults and cannot understand spending bits and pieces of time with someone they love, who then leave, to go be with the new dating partner...this is why , I think parents would be very smart to separate their children completely, from their dating life , by not introducing a new partner to their children for at least a year. The children need time to recover from the split up first. And that can be a long process. Your daughter must take priority and she will need time. You will have to provide her with much love, and attention, structure and caringness, to help her through this hump. It is much so much more heartbreaking and difficult for for children to understand change than adults. Can you talk maturely and calmly to your ex bf in regards to this concern for your daughter's well being? If not, I suggest you seek family counseling with your concerns, and they will give you the communication skills to appeal to your ex bf, to help him understand what needs to be done to help this child, cope. My heart is with your little girl. I hope her father can do the right thing for her. Take care and I am sorry for your pain.
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A
male
reader, djwork  +, writes (31 July 2008):
Just because you are hurt by the end of your relationship doesn't mean it is in the best interest of your daughter to prevent her knowing her father.
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A
female
reader, MuffinGirl  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 And how do you feel about that? I hope he's not so stupid that he would bring this woman in your home. Talk to him, tell him that this is between you and him and no one else. If you two will divorce, it wouldn't be very good for your daugther to see him with another woman. She needs time. I think you need one good and long conversation about those things.
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