A
male
age
26-29,
*inging_candle
writes:Having some trouble with my mom. What should I do?My mom, my younger brother and I will be going to Hawaii soon. I'm 15 years old. I'm all excited about going to Hawaii but I'm not happy with my mom buying a two piece bikini. She's in her early 40s and she got breast implants so I really don't want to see her wearing that. That would be really embarrassing. Why won't she just buy a tankini instead? Has she lost her mind? Ever since she got breast implants she has been showing off her boobs a lot. What should I do? How should I tell her to not wear that bikini?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Hey, one last post on this. Could you do us aunts here a big favor? Please post on how the vacation in Hawaii went and how the whole bathing suit choice turned out. We so rarely get followups, it's nice when someone who has asked a question gives us the 'what happened next' part.
Thanks in advance, and remember, many many of us are jealous that you get to go to Hawaii. It's not your every day, run of the mill vacation. That's pretty cool, actually. Have fun!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 This must be a cultural thing- but for the life of me I can't wrap my head around this non-issue. It's a bikini. On a YOUNG ( yes in our society 40 is still young ) healthy and normal looking woman.On a beach. On a South Pacific beach, as for that. What is she supposed to wear ? A ski outfit ? ....
A one-piece swimsuit , you say : Fair enough. And how that would hide her cleavage ,the profile of her boobs, her back , or her bare legs ? Those may be very erotic body parts too, according to the context. How are we going to prevent some lustful young ( or not so young ) man from having impure thoughts about this respectable mother ? .... Shall we have have her wear a long sleeved nightgown ? Or perhaps, we can deny her access to the beach to begin with. So no man will be able to see her and admire her and her teenage son won't have to feel embarassed.
Anon male, come on, you are not THAT old. Bikinis are older than you, they are about 70 . They must have surely raised waves when they first come out, but we all have got 7 decades for them to have lost their shock value and become considered in most of the western world ( apparently,not in USA ? ) proper ,normal, uneventful beach attire. You talk about mothers in bikinis the same way your grandpa may have commented, half scandalized- half titillated , the first mothers showing ,omyGod, a slive of ankle during World War ONE.
I love Americans, I do, but they are funny about some things- like style and attire. They have no problem showing up on an opera night at the Met in sweatpants and sneakers, or at Saint Peter's cathedral in tank tops and short shorts. But a bikini on an Hawaiian beach , no, that's too risque'.
And, no, she does not even need to have the perfect young body to " pull it off ", or pretend she is a hottie. Well, sure, if she is attractive and fit and feels good about herself, she'll indulge in a little bit of " if you've got it flaunt it ", forgivable feminine vanity.
But, it's not all and always about sex and mating and attracting men. Believe it or not , it can also be about the pleasure of feeling the sun, the feel of water, breeze, sand on your skin.
( How curious that Americans who are so liberated sexually, are so inhibited SENSUALLY ).
Again, visit any Mediterranean beach and you will see that all the 40something women,most of the 50something, and quite a few of the 60 and over wear bikinis. Do they all look great ? heck no. So what ? Should we prohibit the tons of males with spindly legs / pot bellies / furry backs etc. to wear a bathing costume then ? Should we demand that they come to the beach in shirt and trousers ?...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 May 2012):
Presumably she's not picking up and dropping you off at school wearing a bikini. None of your friends will see her in the bikini, as she will be wearing it at the beach in Hawaii.
Look, I know it makes you uncomfortable to think that your mother's body is on display in a way that makes you cringe. Good news bad news. Bad news is you can tell her that she's embarrassing you. Bad news she can choose to ignore that comment. Good news is she feels good about herself and is confident enough to wear a bikini.
(By the way, a tankini won't hid the breasts any more than a bikini. A tankini generally is worn to hide tummy bulges.)
Now, if you have been walking around, in public, with your underwear hanging out? Like at school or at the mall or just out in public, every day, where your mom and her friends may see you? Um, the fashion police may want to have a word. I have to say, I have always thought that look to be ridiculous. I don't want to see underwear or butt cheeks hanging out of the back of anyone's jeans, male or female. It's kind of rude. "Look, my undies! Look, my undies! Look, my undies!" is kind of what that look is screaming. If you have ever watched adults walk behind kids wearing those undie-exposing fashions, you'd see a mix of reactions, mostly of the eye-rolling kind.
When you stop wearing inappropriate clothing in your neighborhood, then you can join the ranks of the fashion police and talk to your mother about the bikini in Hawaii.
Maybe the real issue is that you feel she's over the top (pun intended) in showing off the implants. That you can suggest she tone down, if it is affecting you so much. Maybe you and she need to have a good sit down talk about how it impacts your life and your perception of her. Tell her what you are worried about. Be nice. She's human and has feelings too, which may surprise you. Listen to her, as you hope she will listen to you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I'm in my early 40s and have a 25 years old (just happened tuis way:). which makes situation even more confusing sometimes. Most people don't think that we r related.
The way I dress is very different when I'm with my daughter. Ussualy it's way more conservative and No boobs showing, though I have plenty of those and all mine.
I do wear 2 piece swim suit though, but again very conservative. It's not tankini, but also nothing skimpy.
Many people talk here about respect for your mother. I'm sure u respect her, and she needs to do the same toward u.
If u r embarrassed she needs to know and respect that. She can do what she wants when u r not around, she should not make her child To feel embarrassed.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Her body, her clothes. None of your business, really!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): Really nothing you can do about it, nor would it be fair of you. Her life, her holiday, her beach, her new implants. Nice of her to bring you on holidays, isn't it? I'm sure it's ROASTING hot in Hawaii so it would be daft to expect her to wear winter sweaters to the beach.
As far as 'Ever since she got breast implants she has been showing off her boobs a lot'..
whatever her reasons for doing so, this, again, is nobody's business but hers (although you don't mention whether she's single or if you're leaving dad behind for the hols. In either case, do your best to ignore it and concentrate on something else if she ends up chatting to good-looking guys at the beach. Her business, not yours.)
If her behaviour more generally is making you embarrassed, a raised eyebrow or a disapproving look or even a serious talk may be needed. But from what you've said, it's a straightforward case of somebody going on holiday to an extremely hot Pacific island and sensibly buying some swimwear for the occasion.
Try and enjoy the holiday!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 May 2012):
Before I answer, I want to know if you have ever worn any of the following fashions in the past few years:
*jeans or pants where the waistband is tucked UNDER your butt cheeks
*any jeans, pants or shorts where your underwear is clearly visible
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): OP, I get that you want your mother to look like your mother and not try to pass herself off as a 20-something hottie. I'm nearly sixty but I can still remember feeling embarrassed for an eighth-grade classmate whose mother favored (then-teeny bopper fashionable) mini-skirts, go-go boots and a bleached-blonde beehive hair-do. I was so glad that my late mother, a very attractive woman by any standard, chose to dress in a conservative yet still flattering manner befitting her status as middle-aged mother of teenagers, and when I mentioned my friend's situation she felt bad for him as well, knowing his mother was an unwitting source of ridicule to him because she was so preoccupied with maintaining what she considered her youthful appeareance that she was completely unaware of her own son's quite legitimate sensitivies and discomfort. I politely and respectfully suggest to fellow aunts and uncles that just because a woman over forty chooses to wear a bikini to show off her store-bought boobs, it doesn't necessarily mean that she has the face or body to pull off such a provocative, age-inappropriate look. OP, I wouldn't suggest telling your mother not to wear a bikini, but you are within your rights to politely and respectfully express your opinion (though be advised that as the parent, she has the right to ignore or dismiss your opinion). Hopefully, she'll listen and you can arrive at a mutually agreeable compromise. If not, all you can do is keep as much Hawaiian beach between the two of you as possible, and all-in-all that's not such a bad position for a 15-year-old to be in. And best of all, since you'll be far away from home none of your friends will still be haunted by the sight of your mother in a bikini forty years from now the way I can still envision my luckless friend's mother in a clingy top and mini-skirt.
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A
male
reader, AaronisK +, writes (9 May 2012):
Well I read most of the responses and I have to say zIm dissapointed. If having you mother wear a bikini in front of you makes you uncomfortable, then you should tell her so, just as long as your polite. If she really loves you and values your opinion, then she will at the very least consider you proposal. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, LilPixie  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Your lucky your mum is even going to wear a bikini... I had to go through my mum walking around topless on holiday when I was around 13/14!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Honey, she's 40, not dead. If she can pull of a bikini she ought to, with or without your permission.
Have a great time in Hawaii and get over yourself and your hang up about "old" people and what they wear.
Have some love and respect for your mom.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 I think it's charming (and "cute") that you feel this way about your Mother.
However, it's also unrealistic. SHE is the adult in your family.... and what she chooses to wear to the beach is really none of your business.....
I hope that you will mention your concerns to your Mom... maybe even telling her, "Mom, I feel uncomfortable seeing you as an adult and sexual person...." but listening intently to HER as the conversation progresses....
By-the-by, you MIGHT just find yourself looking (dare I say "oogling"????) some OTHER young guy's Mother who you encounter on the beach... and who looks almost as HOT as your Mom....
Have a great time on your trip... and don't let this submittal be something that makes it unpleasant....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 May 2012):
 A tankini with a thong bottom and a low cut top to cover her tummy? so she's got tons of cleavage and butt cheeks ok?
OP you need to chill... it's NOT a reflection on YOU if your mom is hot enough to wear a bikini... heck I wish I had the nerve to do it. GO MOM!
my dad's 78 year old gf has the figure for a bikini and she wears one. I'm 52 and I have a great shape now but would not wear a bikini.... and even if she wore boy shorts with a bikini top she's still show off those boobs she paid for...
You can tell her it embarrasses you because of.... and say why but at 40 she's YOUNG and vibrant and healthy and she should share that...
in the USA we are so hung up on bodies... and propriety...
sorry I vote with mom on this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2012): OP do you know how hard it is for most women your mom's age to gain the confidence to be able to wear bikinis? She spent thousands of bucks to buy that confidence too and what you're proposing is to possibly put a dent in that?
Surely you can take a little bit of embarrassment to see your mother be a confident and happy woman?
Relax and enjoy your holiday, it is our duty as sons to protect our mothers not put them down or even risk making them feel bad over a bit of mild discomfort.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 May 2012):
 Look, your mom is a grown adult and she can wear what she likes. You cant have a say in what she wears I'm afraid!
All swimsuits, whether it is a full swimming costume, a tankini or a bikini show off a woman's breasts. A tankini would cover up her tummy, but not her boobs! So even if you wanted her to wear something different, chances are it would still show off her boobs.
You are just going to have to accept it I'm afraid and enjoy the holiday regardless of what your mom is wearing. If she is proud of her body then that is a good thing, she is still pretty young so if she can pull a bikini off then good for her. I know early 40's might seem old to you, but it is still young to the rest of the world and it is not a reason to stop her wearing a bikini.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 May 2012):
You should not tell her anything, but MYOB and let her wear the swimwear she wants. She's going to be on a beach, for Pete's sake, why should not she wear a bikini, unless she is horribly disfigured after some gruesome accident ?
I know that at 15 you think of early 40s like being ancient,obsolete, and only fit to wear a muu-muu, - I can only suggest you take your next vacation to an Italian or French beach, you'll see that people of all ages and status are confortable with wearing bikinis and letting the sun kiss their exposed skin, nobody makes a big deal out of it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 May 2012):
 A long, long time ago, when I was around 14 or 15, I made a snide comment about my mother's swimsuit, she never went swimming again. I still feel bad about this, not only did she miss out but we, her kids, all did too!
Full marks to your mum for having the confidence to put on a swim suit. I am with the Aunt who said she would rather her mother had the confidence to wear anything and swim with the family! I would too!
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