A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.Ok I'm 30 years old and my OH is 32. We both are currently living separately at our parents houses while we save up to buy a house ourselves. Unfortunately.. New mortgage regulationss have just come in and now we have to up twice what we thought. My boyfriend also was given the opportunity to start a business. I'm fully supportive because I know it's his dream. But I just found out I'm pregnant (I'm on low dose BC)...I'm worried if I tell him ..he'll give up on his dream to work and have money. I mean single moms do it. Surely I can handle it financially until he's on his feet. I earn 30k and live in Ireland. I have no idea what having a baby costs!! Breast milk is free lol. Anyway... Any advice on how and when I should break it to him.? And should I stay at home with my parents?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 .. But you aren't a single mom. You are only single technically, insofar you aren't married- for the rest you HAVE a committed partner with whom you share a life plan and future goals, and who can be made accountable, and probably WANTS to be made accountable, for this... early addition to your future .
I don't even understand why you'd think to take the financial weight all upn yourself- this baby is 50% yours 50% his, you both share equally obligations ( and joys ) related to it, whether it was planned or not.
So your bf perhaps will have to change and adjust his plans and expectations, modify something, delay something. So what. Big deal. Isn't it the same , on principle, for you ? Don't you have plans projects wishes needs schemes of your own that now will have to vary ?...
No ? You sure ? yes, you have at least one. You wanted to work and save toward buying your half of a house, now you'll have FIRST to work and save to support your half of a baby.
I don't see why your bf is more important than you and should get special treatment, and not taking his share of responsibility in raising this kid under all aspects, including the financial one. If he's a good guy, he won't have it any other way !.
As for living at home with your parents, - heck no. You are 30, not 16. You can , and should, handle, this kind of situation as a mother yourself, not as the daughter of your parents. They might not deny you their help, or they even might be happy to give you this kind of help- but it is still unfair asking them such a big committment and sacrifice . If they are able and ready to lend an occasional hand , babaysitting or in other ways, great, that's in a grandparent's job description. Letting you nest under their roof with your offspring for an undisclosed duration, because it's more " convenient " for you- no that's not their job.
You ( and your bf ) have your own family NOW. Go enjoy it on your own.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): Your partner had half the choice to use a condom as a form of birth-control. If he didn't want an unplanned family, he wouldn't have left it all up to you.
Well, it is what it is; and you have to tell him. If you're having morning sickness and haven't made any mention of your period beginning; don't you think he'd figure it out? Surely your mother knows! Whether you tell her or not! You can only hide it for the first couple of months. The baby-bump and sensitive nipples are going to be a dead giveaway!
Passing blame is hard to do when there are two people responsible for this pregnancy; so delaying the inevitable truth is just stressing you out.
If he didn't wear a condom and thinks it's only your responsibility to use birth-control to prevent an unplanned pregnancy, he's an idiot. These are the consequences.
He doesn't have to give up his dreams. Just plot a new strategy. It's not just his dreams that are changed, it's yours too. If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it. It's just another challenge. You'll figure it out.
Many blessings and good luck!
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (11 October 2014):
I think you will both need to adjust your dreams to make this work.
Firstly, you really need to find somewhere to live. Saving to buy a house is a great goal, but unfortunately it's not likely to be achievable for you for the foreseeable future. Children cost a LOT of money, so you won't be able to save as much up, and personally I don't think it's fair that you think you can live with your parents with a newborn baby.
You are a 30 year old woman, and it's lovely that they are letting you stay there to save on rent, but they didn't sign up for having a demanding grandchild in their home for the next few years.
In addition, I don't know why you seem to think that your partner shouldn't have to make sacrifices too. He also created this child, and if that means he's going to have to adjust his life and goals a bit, then that's what he has to do. It's no longer about what he wants, or what you want. You are going to be parents, and that means the baby comes first from now on. You need to tell him as soon as possible, and then you both need to work out together what you need to do to prepare for this child.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (11 October 2014):
 I'm sure you are scared to tell him and probably you are still in shock of finding out yourself. However you HAVE to tell him. It takes two to have a baby. He IS the father. While I can't give you the exact cost of how much having a baby is I can warn you it's very expensive. To handle the financial burden on your own isn't fair to your baby nor you. I highly recommend you get the thought out of your head and start working with your boyfriend as a team. My Mom was a single Mother and she struggled so much on trying to raise my brother and I. Don't ever put yourself on purpose in that position. My advice on how to break it with him is to sit him down alone and just tell him. When you should do it? Immediately!Have you talked to your parents? Do they know? Where you don't have a place to stay if they are willing then staying with them would be a good option for you.
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