A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have left my husband but I have been involved with a married man for 7 years.I said I wanted a proper relationship but he said he can't leave his kids who are 15 and 17.We haven't really talked about our future it's like he lives for today yet he has said he loves me but not to my face only on text messages.He said he would leave his marriage once the kids are older....am I wasting my time here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy would it bother me if his children wanted to borrow money or they had a fat tyre? Did I say that I did not want him to still be a dad to his kids?? You don't know me at all, so why judge? What about other the other step mums who do get on with their step children? You make it sound like everyone hates their stepmother.....stop generalising.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 You may not even consider this, but what are you teaching you daughter in all of this?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (12 October 2014):
Yes they would have their own lives, that their DAD would always be a part of. Therefore, if you were to end up with him, whether you like it or not, you'd inherit the role of stepmum.
As a mother yourself, do you really think that his kids will just disappear and leave you two to get on with it? Is that how things are with your kids and their Dad? What a shocking and selfish mindset to have. And completely unrealistic too.
You might not need to change their nappies or anything, but there are lots of things you would need to do. Where would you sit when his kids got married for example? At the top table with him and his ex wife? Or would you expect him not to attend because his kids have their own lives now you're on the scene?! What about if they wanted to live with their Dad at the weekends? Or all the time? And what will you do when his children need to borrow money? Or have a flat tyre? Or all the hundreds of things teenagers ask their Dad for?
You don't sound like you're wiling to accommodate their needs at all, it's all about you and what you want (which isn't a surprise given that you're clearly ok with trying to steal another woman's husband).
I'm sorry for being blunt, but you are basically saying you want to break up this marriage and hope that his existing family disappear off into the sunset to leave you to your new life together. You need a huge dose of reality and compassion in my book.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have my own children to worry about,why would I play step mum to his kids if they end up living with their mother anyway? They would have their own life to live,would they not? And besides in this day and age loads of families are in second marriages,it's not uncommon......but putting that aside, I hear what all you agony aunts/uncles are saying......
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (12 October 2014):
"I don't think his ex wife would want him at any family event if they were apart?"
What about when his children have their 21st birthday parties, or graduate, or get married? What about when they have kids of their own and they have birthdays, christenings etc? You really are fooling yourself if you think that you won't have to deal with the ex wife if he leaves her. They have children together and therefore tied for life, whether you like it or not. And if he did leave (which I don't believe he ever will), then you will become stepmum to two teenagers who will know that you played a huge part in splitting up their parents. Being a step parent is hard enough without that drama.
You need to take your rose tinted glasses off and actually think about this situation for what it really is - an affair with a chancer who thinks he can get a bit of sneaky sex on the side. And of course he's going to tell you that his wife doesn't have sex with him. He's not likely to tell you that they do it three times a week and on special occasions is he?! Because you'd stop giving him the extra sex he's getting from you.
Come on now - you know all of this. It's the oldest trick in the book and you're falling for it.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (12 October 2014):
 He is still with his wife , plus his kids are before you also. this has been going own for 7 years and he is still with his wife. it would be safe to say his commitment is at home , and you are the desert on the side.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 I have a true story for you.
I had a colleague involved in a situation like yours for ages. The guy always said that he could not break his family- not because of his wife, which sort of knew he was not a faithful husband and , objectively, seemed not to give a fig about it and was serenely doing her own thing. But, there was an only daughter ,who was very attached to her dad and idolized him, plus she was a fragile personality prone to depressive bouts. The guy felt that she could not handle "yet " this kind of crisis, so that's why he and the mistress should maintain a low profile. From " yet " to "yet " a long time passed, until the daughter reached the ripe age of 26 or thereabout - at which point my colleague started getting seriously impatient and seriously pissed off and demanded to know when " yet " would be. The answer was, as soon this
( single ) daughter finds somebody and gets married or at least is in a serious committed relationship, which apparently would give her the strength to deal with blah blah blah. Ah well, sighs my colleague. Hopefully, it will happen at same point, the daughter is pretty, smart, financially secure... it's not as if she is a lost cause . With a bit of luck, there won't be a LOT more to wait .
It turned out, there wasn't much to wait at all- because few weeks after this conversation, .... the daughter caught daddy making out in a parking lot at night with a THIRD woman , which of course my colleague knew nothing about , in fact, for all she know , could have been on the scene since forever.
Yes you are wasting your time- and deep down you know it already, without asking us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): I don't think his ex wife would want him at any family event if they were apart? Obviously she couldn't stop him seeing his children,and it takes 2 to tango so I don't think the whole blame would fall on me,but I know what you are saying.I am starting to get bored with him because we don't go anywhere,like the cinema or for a drink....only hotel rooms,...as he has stuff to do with family.He said his wife doesn't want to have sex anymore as her sex drive is zero,and there is no affection but I'm still suspicious about whether he is telling the complete truth on that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2014):
Yes, You will be old and grey with married "boyfriend" in no time.
Unless HIS wife leaves him, he isn't going anywhere. He get the whole family thing with his WIFE and KIDS. He gets the "fling" with you.
Why on Earth did you think it was a good idea in the first place to start seeing a married guy?
Even if he DID leave his wife, imgine every famiy event, do you THINK you would be welcome? By the ex-wife and kids? Or the rest of his family? They won't BLAME him for the split up... they will BLAME you.
Wisen up. Stop wasting your life on a man who ISN'T yours and isn't really WANTING to be yours. He will TEXT you "I love you" because he knows that is what you want to hear and it makes you keep sticking around. But the fact that he can't tell you to your face? Well, maybe he can't say because he deep down don't FEEL it. Typing it may not seem "real" - same with people having these "affairs" online with people they don't really know, but it seems real enough.
I think you know the deal. But for now you are getting something out of this, otherwise, why stick around for this?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 October 2014):
 In my opinion, yes you are wasting your time. I hate to see anyone doing this...sitting around waiting for their lover to sneak a few moments here..there..never sure when they can see each other. I would imagine you never get to spend the night together or the holidays or go on vacations together do you? What kind of life is that???
When we were in our early 20's, my best friend got involved with a married man old enough to be our father. He had kids older than us! I dont know what she seen in him but she loved him..madly. I tried and tried to talk her into ending things, but she wouldn't. She even got pregnant by him and had to get an abortion but still she wouldn't stop seeing him. It was so sad. The whole town seemed to know what was going on except this man's wife. I think she knew and just turned her head the other way because she knew in the end he would never leave her for my best friend. This man gave my friend every excuse in the world..she bought them all. Finally after 8 years..she ended things. She never told me why, but she finally got smart. So many nights she would call me up crying, lonely..sad.
I hate to see anyone waiting for someone who just isn't there for them. He's married sweetie..and he plans on staying that way. You are the spice that he doesn't have in the marriage, but no...its very unlikely he'll his comfy cozy wifey and kids.
Wisen up and move on. There are single men out..certainly you deserve more than what you're getting..dont you???
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