A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please please help me, im so hurt, demoralised and depressed, i really am breaking down.Ok, so, we've hardly spoken for 4 weeks now. I only speak in reply to him when i am spoken to, that way, he cant accuse me of prying or accusing him!! After 20 years together and 18 years of marriage, i am now bottom of his list of priorities.So sad to think that I once was top of that list and that he would do anything for me, yet now he 'flies off the handle' in a rage if i even dare ask an innocent question or mention anything to do with his hobby!! So i dont ask, and he spends the majority of his time on his hobby. He retired last December, the idea being that he would become house husband, cook, clean, shop, walk the dog, do the allotment, and take some of the stress away from me as I worked full time in a very stressful job.However, his hobby took priority again, and slowly his priorities changed, and i slipped down the list, getting less and less time with him.Subsequently, he agreed for me to reduce down to a part time job in June this year, hoping that we would then at least have time together,so we could do the shopping, cleaning or allotment together, or perhaps to just walk the dog? Well, things have gone from bad to worse as he has taken more and more on with his hobby which has now become his life, no kidding, he lives and breathes hobby, the more help he gets from other members with it, the more he takes on! like its a drug and he needs involvement 24 hours a day from it to survive. Everything has slipped down the priorities list with most of the things NOT getting done at all!I know our marriage is over, as the love faded some time ago, and i honestly do not recall the last time we had any physical contact or even a kiss. (it might have been April, my birthday, as sometimes at christmas and birthdays, he makes an effort). We have been to marriage guidance twice before, each time it only worked for a couple of weeks before we were back to the same! I am now emotionally drained and sick of going around in circles again. I honestly dont have the strength to carry on. Ive cried buckets, have been sinking into depression out of worry. Ive pondered and tried to work out what to do. As, due to my minimal wage part time working, i now have little monay. I still pay half towards the household bills, although our mortgage is now paid off.But he controlls the bank balance and everything is hidden and password protected, so i cannot get access to our balance, although i am certain he has been stashing moneys over the last few months and moving moneys in accounts. He had a redundancy payment in January this year. I am not "fleecing him" but i have contributed to what we have. I owe it to myself to regain some self respect and dignity, therefore, i have to find a way out and start again.I have commenced procedings for divorce, although this will cost money i do not have, therefore i am awaiting mediation to sort out finances.We sleep in seperate bedrooms and are like strangers, im the lodger but feel so alone and hated.Last night he went out at 5pm to a pre-organised "social event" which started at 7pm. He was wearing aftershave, (he NEVER wears aftershave!) He was not wearing his usual scruffy training shoes and running/sporting t-shirt, (he always wears trainers and tshirt!). An associate who was also at the event, noted, and told me that - 1. he was not wearing his wedding ring. 2-. he named his race horses, notafuckingchance, and new beginnings!! I couldnt sleep and got up when he arrived home at 1145 last night,he went straight onto his computer and hid it when i tried to see. he asked me "what are you looking for?" I replied, "your wedding ring" which he was not wearing, he half laughed/smiled, and carried his lap top elsewhere to continue. OUCH!!!! PLEASE ADVISE. I know we have to have the discussion, but i cant argue any more, why does he continue to destroy me like this, what have i done?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 October 2014):
 A good starting point would be to jot down the questions you have, for your private use, not his. Keep a digital copy if you like and just email it to yourself.
Then I would consult an attorney. They can help you sort out what needs to be done next.
Do not inform him of what you're doing until you have your ducks in a row.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2014): The silent treatment is a very cruel and effective passive-aggressive tool in psychologically disarming a person already emotionally distraught. You're his ideal victim.
Apparently your husband knows exactly how to kick your legs out from under you. He has undoubtedly conditioned you over the years with the silent-treatment; and knows that it is an effective weapon against your nerves. You are very intimidated by this man.
I think it is time for you to seek solace in your children. You're falling apart, and our advice doesn't seem to be very effective. We're talking AT YOU, at this point. You don't have the strength to stand-up to him; because you're holding back for hopes that he'll come around; or counting on things to fix themselves. At best, we can offer you comfort and encouragement; but it still comes down to you taking action in protection of your own sanity.
Self-preservation. It's due to kick in at anytime.
Well, like most of us; you'll finally do what necessity dictates. What we can't do consciously, our instincts for survival finally take control and we do what we must.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm stuck and struggling to find the right words, or any words now actually, its just gone too far and hurt too much!! I really really dont want to be nasty and angry, although i am , and i deserve to be after all the pain hes put me through and how demoralised and destroyed ive felt. I know we need to have the discussions soon, but, i cant even to begin to even write "a letter" to him, I really have no words!! am completely drained and numb.It is SO SO SAD that after almost 20 years together (our 18th wedding anniversary next week, when he is booked away with triathlon related, "hobby" events) it has come to this!! I am also deeply puzzled that after 4 and a half weeks, he hasnt come up with any words either, not spoken or written!!It really is over, just like that, what went wrong? where the hell do I start? I know he will be asking, or telling me there is no milk, or bread left soon, as he wont use what i have purchased for my consumption.So, maybe thats when the discussion will begin? (have to say, im really not looking forward to that).
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 October 2014):
My suggestion is that you find out whatever you can on your own before approaching him. And as for cooking and shopping, just buy food and supplies for yourself and let him figure out that he has to buy his own.
Maybe when he sees that you're actually taking steps and not waiting for him AND that it's a chat about specific details instead of feelings, he might be more receptive to such a conversation.
He might also be more pleasant to live with if he thinks there is an end in sight.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 October 2014):
Thank you so much for your much appreciated feed back it was kind of you. Now i read all the replys you received all caring and giving you the best and kindness advise possible.There is a lot of help out there for you you are not ALONE.You can so this ONE step at a time but always forward never backwards. Time will sort this .Kind wishes NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 My advice,
Hire a lawyer.
He can't hide all your shared assets from them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): my heart hurt for you so badly,some way,some how,reach and find strength,don't ever let a low-down husband like that break you down,get a hold of yourself so you can think clearly.there is life after this I promise you,sometimes it seems like there is no hope,but it is you have to take care of you,and do what is right for you,put you FIRST.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thank you all for your answers and advice, your comments are helping me to find strength to get through this.
Sageoldguy1465 His hobby used to be marathon running, where i endured hours upon hours of loneliness whilst he trained. Then he turned to triathlon, although since numerous injusries, he rarely competes himself now and has set up a triathlon club of his own. I fully admire and support this concept as i think it is a great idea setting up something for all levels and standards to enable socialising and keeping fit, however, he pushes me away and will not allow me to show an interest. I am always accused of "prying" so, i leave him to it, dont ask, and dont show an interest anymore.But then, he has turned it round to makeout i am the one who isnt interested, i cant win, dont want to even try to anymore, game over.
Ciar, the discussion that we must have is whether he can buy me out or will we put the house on the market to split the difference? Also, I want accurate figures of our essential outgoings only, forget the holiday fund and home maintainance funds, we arent even friends, so we wont be holidaying together and why should i pay home maintainance in a home where it has never ever been done? Also, if we are living in the same house but apart , he will nee to start buying his own food, rather that eating the housekeeping stock that i pay for. All these discussons eh?
WiseOwlE, you are right, there is no chance in this marriage.I know i am surpluss to requirements and have been blind. In have 2 amazing grown up married children and a fabulous 3 year old grandaughter who absolutely rocks my world. These 3 keep me sane, and for them, my life goes on. I refuse to turn them against him as the love and respect between them all is mutual.
His hobby is by no means mystical, His hobby used to be marathon running, where i endured hours upon hours of loneliness whilst he trained. Then he turned to triathlon, although since numerous injuries, he rarely competes himself now and has set up a triathlon club of his own. I fully admire and support this concept as i think it is a great idea setting up something for all levels and standards to enable socialising and keeping fit, however, he pushes me away and will not allow me to show an interest. I am always accused of "prying" so, i leave him to it, dont ask, and dont show an interest anymore.But then, he has turned it round to makeout i am the one who isnt interested, i cant win, dont want to even try to anymore, game over.
Yes, i have been living in denial of a 'crap' marriage for years, just envying those 'normal relationships'. My full time job was bad for my health and we believed that the stresses he brought were impacting outr relationship, however, this is worse, so i am looking for full time work again, and i will rebuild my life.
I know that he will SO regret what he's lost when its gone, he really doesnt think i have the guts, or the energy to do anything about it. I truely believe that he will be shocked when he gets the divorce papers.It is true, as you say WiseOwlE, I am a fool, however, MORE FOOL IS HE!!
Lovely NORA B, thank you so much for understanding me, I know a lot of this is my fault for being weak, blind and foolish enough to allow him to destroy my soul. Your words and advice inspire me and give me strength to get through this I WILL GET OUT, I OWE IT TO MYSELF.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 October 2014):
 Your marriage is over, no doubt. WHAT is this "hobby" to which you refer???????
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 October 2014):
What discussion? What is it that needs to be said?
You've said yourself the marriage is over and from what I've read, I have to agree so what is holding you back? What is it you need him to do or say before you begin building a new life for yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE and NORA b thankyou so much for your responses, i guess you told me what i already know, but needed reafirming!!I will post responses to you both later
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE and NORA b thankyou so much for your responses, i guess you told me what i already know, but needed reafirming!!I will post responses to you both later
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): I am so sorry to read your post. You now have to take control of the situation and it sounds like you have to end this marriage. It appears that your husband has already emotionally left the marriage so I doubt that a third attempt at marriage guidance will help in your situation.You say that you have started divorce proceedings, good. Your next step is to go to Citizens Advice as you need some advice on the finances in your marriage. Even if your husband has hidden money away, half of that money is yours. Once you start the divorce proceedings he will have to show all bank accounts and he will have to explain where he has squirrelled away any money. You need to tell your husband that you are starting divorce proceedings and ask him for the financial passwords and you need yo know the exact amounts of money he has hidden away. If he does not tell you this now, once divorce solicitors are involved he will have to divulge the passwords and declare the money anyway. It may save you both a great deal of solicitors fees if he gives you this information now. Citizens Advice will give you advice on this and the other financial aspects of a divorce..This will all be very hard, but if you want out if this situation, stick with it. Divorce is rarely nice.You don't say how old you are, by I'm guessing mid fifties. You are still young enough to start again and have a wonderful new life. When I was 47 my husband suddenly told me that he had met someone else (half his age) and that our long marriage was over. I was devastated and had start all over again which I thought I would never manage in my late 40s. 10 years on when I look back I now know that he set me free to live my current wonderful exciting and happy life.Be strong, you are worthy of a happy life, so go for it! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2014): Stop pleading for his sympathy. You've got to start preparing for the approaching divorce and single-life.
The man is well-past having feelings for you, and you're still trying to make him show signs of affection; when after all this time he has been so consistently impassive and unresponsive. He is showing signs of narcissism. He has no use for you anymore. Use that as fuel for strength.
He's an empty shell of a person. He can't offer you anything. You've mention nothing of having children. Do you have a grown child or children? Get your love from them. Are they estranged from you as well? Is your past catching up with you?
He didn't suddenly fall out of love with you, nor did he become so enthralled with this mystical "hobby" that you will not describe or name. You've been in a state of denial for years; and you've let this go on until he just got comfortable will ignoring you.
As for the assets, he can't hide them. Everything will be split down the middle. You should go online and seek "pro bono legal assistance" to get your legal ducks in a row. Many women's support organizations help abused women in crisis to find legal-assistance and job-placement. You'll need to find another full-time job.
God only knows why you gave-up a full-time job to spend more time with a loveless hateful spouse. You seemed to have lost touch with reality and you will not face even your terrible situation as it is. Now you know where he stands so stop beating yourself up. Behaving as if he has your very spirit in the palm of his hand.
He's just a wretched old-fart, soon to be a lonely one!
He has his karma coming to him. However; we're getting only one-side of the story.
Regardless, you can't get love out of that man, so stop trying. You're torturing yourself. Stop allowing that bastard to tear you down. Have some backbone and hold your head up. He does not hold your heart in his hands. He is counting on you to collapse into a heap of nothing; maybe because all these years you've shown him your weakness and allowed him to run the show.
If you do nothing else, before you leave this marriage; regain your dignity and show that bastard you will do just fine without him. You'll enjoy spending half his money while you move on.
Stop craving love that hasn't been there for years. You've pretended he was a good man in order to shove the reality of what you marriage is out of your mind. The older you got, the more afraid you've become of being alone; and you've convinced yourself you can't do it without him.
Well, life is staring you in the face and these are the cards you've been dealt. Older and lonelier women than you do just fine on their own. I've known many of them. Your old coot just didn't do you the favor or kicking the bucket first.
My dear, you're the one working. Maybe cash will be short for awhile, but you'll survive. You have to look ahead; because things will be sh*t for awhile. You'll come-out smelling like a rose; if you believe in yourself, and your own power as a woman. He doesn't possess your soul in a bottle. You've given-in so long, and you've been so cowardly and passive, you actually believe he is stronger.
He's hoping his cruelty and coldness will zap you of all your strength so you can't fight him in a divorce. Get your second wind. "Buckle your seat-belt it's going to be a bumpy ride!"
Are you going to let him win that easily? NO! You're not!!!
He's just a mean old fart who'll someday be a dried-up old lonely man wondering why he was so cruel to you. He will not be able to get another woman if he doesn't change his ways. He might find someone desperate and lonely, but he wont be happy with that. Just don't allow yourself to be one of those types of women. You have complete control over that. That happens to those who just give-up without a fight.
If you continue appearing to be at his mercy and begging, you give him all the power. Straighten your back, start stashing your own money; and stop paying the bills. Force him to have to keep them up. If the power goes out, he'll want lights. He'll have to pay. If he wants food. Buy only enough for yourself. Buy things you know he doesn't like.
Force him to help.
Join a women's support-group. Go online and find yourself an organization to help you pull yourself out of an abusive situation. You may not have the strength to do it alone, because he has been psychologically draining you to weaken you to the point of emotional collapse.
Your passive-nature is how he gets his way. If he doesn't want to give you love, and returns kindness with cruelty. Forgive him, prepare to live on your own, don't spend another dime of your money. Get free-legal advice (check online for pro bono legal services) law students offer these services.
Take him for all he's worth and move on. Women were not created to shrivel and go away once they reach your age my dear, they outlive men for a reason! For all you endure through life, nature gives women a longer life-span to find happiness if the first half of life was full of sorrow and grief.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (11 October 2014):
I read your a letter a few times with deep understanding and it dreadful that your husband has hurt you so much.First of all after you got the mediation sorted and get divorced and you OWE yourself this you will be able to be yourself and start a fresh. You asked why does your husband continue to destroy you like this.-Because you ALLOW HIM TO DO SO.There is no need to argue,but tell him that his behaviour is out of order and untill everything is sorted you wished to be respected.Be firm and mean what you say.Kind wishes NORA B.
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