A
male
age
41-50,
*oftheartedfool
writes:I know part of the answer. She's selfish. Has some severe mental health issues but so do I, so I'm trying not to hold it against her. Been scouring all over the internet to understand. Narcissist? Bipolar? Just trying to make sense of all this. Feeling incredibly low and I can deal with the truth if it hurts but really needing some support if anyone is able.Broke up with my gf the other day. Only dated a couple months but I really did fall in lover with her. At the time, I thought she did too. A month in and she tells me she loves me. I've fallen in love soon too but I waited to tell the person after I knew it wasn't just 'puppy love' and honestly, not scare the person away. This one was different, or so I thought. It was all a lie or was it? Did part of her love me? A couple weeks ago I found out she cheated on me with two other guys. Begs me to take her back and she'll change. I loved her. I still do. She seemed so sincere and I wanted to believe her so badly, despite the warning signs. I've made my own share of mistakes, though nothing like this. Still, I wanted to forgive. Needed to if we were going to get past this. Fool. Yesterday, I found out she was talking to one of the guys she cheated on me with. Confronted her. Told me she can't choose because she knew him since high school. What? First I heard of that. Asked her why. Told her to let me go if she can't be faithful. Tell me you can't commit. Don't drag my heart through the shredder. Again. She said she doesn't want to give up on us but I was being controlling by wanting to know what's going on? She told me about people who abused her in every way you can abuse someone. I know she's in a lot of pain. She at least can't fake that. So I asked her again, why? If you've been hurt so much by others and you tell me I'm the first guy to not treat you like a whore and best thing to ever happen to you, then why? She knew how much I loved her. How much of my pride and dignity I swallowed because I loved her. Who I thought she was. I still want to believe, sadly. She tells me she can't help it. She wants it all. She wants others to change for her but doesn't want to change herself. The selfishness. The simplicity and cruelty of her reasoning. What's making it rough right is she keeps texting me. Never about what she's done. How she's hurt me. She glosses over it or just won't answer then goes into how I've hurt her. It's all bullshit. We both know it. It's like she physically can't admit how fucked up she's acted. I don't understand why she is so cruel about it. Why she knows how much she hurt me and has seen me cry over all this and still make herself out as the one who was hurt.I know no contact is best, I'm just so incredibly empty without her. If I'm strong enough, I'll get over her and I will. But I just wish things were different. I wish I could make her see or admit how much damage she's done. At least not make me feel like I was the one at fault. I am at fault, but for continuing to put myself through this.
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male
reader, Rhinocerous +, writes (8 November 2018):
 I think the bigger question here is why do you let someone, anyone, treat you this way? Putting the idea of "love" aside, it seems like you're allowing her to treat you in an extremely disrespectful way. To me that means you don't even respect yourself so of course you can't expect that from someone else.
It sounds like you've taken steps to put her out of your life, and that's good. But instead of looking at this as a bad experience with someone who had no respect or real love you for you, look at this is a bad experience of allowing someone to treat you that way because you don't respect or love yourself. In other words, work on yourself and how you feel about yourself. Don't give up on romance or love, just set standards for the type of person you will let in your life and hold yourself to those higher standards.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): At your age - in theory - you should be settled down by now. As woman we are now very much aware that when a man love bombs us, we need to treat this as a red flag. The chances are that he has other women on the side and many issues that he never sorted and so (my new saying)... Same shit, different shovel. Let her go and learn that Love is not a 2 day or 2 year thing. Love is forever. You're a grown man not Romeo. Welcome to life kiddo!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): Time to move on.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 November 2018):
 OP, you will be ok I promise. There's nothing wrong with loving someone but sometimes we love the wrong people. Give your heart time to heal. Right now you are sad and hurting but in time you will be able to look back on this more clearly and you will know that you did the right thing by ending everything. You deserve far better than what she was offering you. Don't sell yourself short..hold out for someone that can return your love and love only you. I'm a romantic too and I've gotten my heart stomped on many times. I finally got my knight in shining armor, and you will find your princess but HOLD OUT for someone who can truly love you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018): She sounds like the female version of a player. I read somewhere recently that women always love and are never manipulative, BULL I know plenty of women who will date men for money, gifts, sex, holidays and not about love at all. You by your own admittance have your own mental health problems so I am guessing you thought had found some 'Kindred spirit' in her. But you have learned that was wasn't what she seemed, she was a wolf in sheep's clothing and her mental problems is not an excuse for her lack of concern to how she treats men.Move on, look at ways to improve your own peace of mind and don't let this woman back in your life, she might try worming her way back in when the chips are down again. If the man was with her at the park I have to wonder if he is some pimp in some way, very odd that she has you and him and no doubt others singing to her tune hmmmmm.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2018):
 Good for you to GIVE yourself closure on this woman and relationship!
Learn to take things slow next time. ANYONE (be it male or female) who tries and RUSH a relationship, future, dream, love - are not really thinking of the other person and whether this other person is a GOOD match. A good fit.
You wanted a relationship and was (for a time) willing to put up with stuff you might NOT have wanted to deal with otherwise, because you hoped for a future with her. She KNEW that you wanted someone solid. So she pretended to be that, but not being able to sustain being that person she fell back to her OWN ways. Which is to sabotage relationships and not give a darned about the other person AS LONG AS she gets what she wants.
She can't LOVE you (or anyone else) because she DOESN'T love herself.
I wish you the best in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2018): Don't lose the romantic-side of yourself. It's rare, and can be wonderful when shared with the right woman! Keep both feet on the ground!
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, softheartedfool +, writes (5 November 2018):
softheartedfool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update for the curious and those that took the time to answer. I asked her to meet me one last time, but I was aware of what I needed to do. I knew it was really over, despite how much I wished it was different. How I wish she was the girl I thought she was. We met up at a local park and she actually brought the other guy with her. He stayed a couple hundred feet away from us while we talked. After some small talk, I asked her if this is really what she wanted to happen after all we'd been through. She told me that, yes, despite what she did to me, she really did love me but...because she knew this guy since she was 14 that they have a longer history together. She didn't want to be with him romantically but because he is a "friend", she can't break contact with him despite her cheating on me with him. What she wanted was for us to be together AND her to continue her friendship with him as well. I told her that I can't do that and it's not that he's her friend and ex, it's that he's the guy she cheated with as well and she refuses to cut all ties. He knew we were together and still slept with her anyway. What she was asking from me was more insane than me forgiving her the first time. We briefly argued, mostly around her lying and secrets and she didn't know what I wanted from her? I told her from the beginning what I wanted in a relationship and that I never hid or lied about it and could have told me she didn't want to commit to me. She knew the answer and in a defeated tone(I guess?), said "you want me to be loyal to you", as if it were a foreign concept. After we both calmed down, I told her that I can't continue like this and I may have been naive and let her use me, but I didn't deserve to be treated this way. She just nodded her head in agreement. I thanked her for at least telling me the truth of where she stands in regards to us. I asked for one last hug and kiss goodbye, and I could tell she DID NOT like that. Gave her a long hug and told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too and we left our separate ways. Honeypie said it best, "I don't think she knows how to love. She knows how to mimic and imitate love, but that still isn't love."I know. I just wanted to desperately believe it. I've been in relationships before and had break-ups with people I loved but as others and myself have said, I was extremely vulnerable at the time and allowed myself to be duped for a fantasy that I had so desperately desired. I learned a new concept the other day called "love bombing" and it described her behavior perfectly. All those words of endearment and heavy affection caught me off guard. Other women have told me they loved me before but not like this and I wasn't able or willing to see how I was allowing myself to be set up. That's pretty much it. Number deleted and blocked and committed to no contact. I have an appointment with a therapist in the next couple weeks but trying to see one sooner, not only to deal with this but how to get my emotions under better control and not be ruled by them as much. Thank you for taking the time to answer.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 November 2018):
OP your name says it all...softhearted fool. Wiseowl is right, you are a romantic. Code warrior goes straight to the heart of the situation and absolutely cracks me up as usual he doesn't mince words.
You know what you needed to do and you did it but you didn't slam the door shut and lock it..you left it open for her to be able to walk right back into your life. She isn't good for you, she has showed you her true colors and you want to let her hurt you again?
OP, there is romantic and then there is just plain stupid. Why would you let someone hurt you and then turn around and let them hurt you again? She isn't going to be faithful to you or probably anyone else. She has admitted this..take her at her word.
Its time to lock the door, throw away the key and move on. This isn't years of time invested its a few months and you WILL get over this and move on. You deserve better...tell yourself this and BELIEVE IT. I wish you all the best...be romantic but not a door mat ok?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 November 2018):
 The sooner you cut ALL contact with this woman, the sooner you will start healing. The longer you cling onto the remnants of this brief relationship, the more pain you will allow to be inflicted on you. Your choice. I know it is not easy to let go but you know it is the only way if you want to avoid more pain.
Your ex does not sound to be in a fit mental state to have a relationship with ANYONE. She will probably do exactly the same to the other guy as she has done to you. However, that is HER problem. It is not your responsibility to save her.
Accept it happened. Acknowledge you ALLOWED yourself to get hurt by getting in so deep so quickly with someone so damaged. Learn from this painful experience and use it to make better choices going forward.
Wishing you all the best.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 November 2018):
 You were only WITH her for a couple of months! You can't KNOW a person in that timeframe, and the first real red flag that should have been tossed up your way is how fast it took her to pull out the "L" word. It takes TIME to fall in love. The love at first sight thing is really infatuation. Love comes with knowledge and trust and chemistry, and the song is absolutely right that "You can't hurry love".
She flaked on you. She is like a flash in the pan, and if you admit you have some mental issues as well, you may have been vulnerable in a way that you normally shouldn't be.
You need to get away from this woman, who is nothing but a flaky toxic mirage, and if you find yourself falling for this sort of thing, you need to address your mental health issues and get yourself healthier so that you can have more strong and healthy relationships.
Two months isn't enough to punch a lifelong void into your heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2018): You didn't want to characterize the relationship with this woman as "puppy love." It isn't love at all. It's too soon to have real or established-feelings with a person you've known inside only a few weeks. You are infatuated with the idea of her; and most likely fascinated with her looks, and other superficial-traits.
True-love takes so much more time to be established and nurtured. Not only that, but to make sure it is being reciprocated. Saying "I love you" is also a manipulative phrase. Trust must be earned and exchanged. Affection and loyalty must be demonstrative and consistent. Actions speak louder than the words. Lust is often confused with love.
I would speculate that she's an exceptionally attractive woman; so it was easy for her to charm you and steal your heart. I also detect a bit of desperation; so you would have overlooked a lot of red-flags, because you also want to possess her like property or a trophy.
I detect far too much emotion and drama for so little time in knowing each-other.
I take things into account like age and how a post is composed by the writer. I can tell you're a romantic, and maybe a bit melodramatic.
You've only been acquainted with this woman for the last 60 days; so surely there was more time needed on both sides. First, To sever old-ties with others; and/or to clearly establish where your romantic-connection was going.
If you had to break it down. It takes about two months to get a realistic picture of the person you think you're so fond of. Given more time, you can evaluate the consistency in their behavior. True-nature usually comes-out within the first six months to a year.
If the person is calculated and an adept fraud; they can scam you for years. Point is, you don't really know what kind of feelings you have for that woman; because you don't really know her! Giving her your personal psychiatric evaluation; and knowing she has some psychological-issues, gives you more reason to distance yourself with as little
commotion as possible. There may be other things about her you'd be better off not to provoke!
Well, now you know she's a cheater and has feelings for somebody else. You're an adult, and you've admitted you know what you should be doing. I think it would serve you better to just move on; than to spend a lot of time dramatizing how wretched of a woman she is.
She hardly knows you! And all that stuff about being in-love...well, in all probability; it is being in-love with the notion of being in-love. When you've been lonely for a long-time, or rebounding from a recent breakup; the heart yearns and craves a place to rest.
Someone comes along and catches you in a very vulnerable state of mind; and you might deceive yourself into feeling more than you should, too soon after meeting each-other.
Some people are very persuasive and alluring. Clever at manipulating someone they can clearly determine to be infatuated. Maybe she demands or needs lots of male-attention; and probably requires a lot of validation from men to appease her deep-seated insecurities. You've discovered who she really is.
Chin-up and man-up! You're a romantic, and destined to run into a string of heartbreaks.
You're between 36-40, and you've been down this road at least once in your life-time. More, if you've always been such a lover-boy! I mean that jokingly! I'm not making fun of you in a mean-spirited way. I can appreciate people who are like you. Unfortunately, the wrong people may get to you, before someone who is more deserving of you.
Work on pacing your feelings. In time, someone better should find her way to you. Just make sure you've got your act together. Be mature and level-headed. Don't let your imagination and fantasy get the better of you.
Try to stay grounded; and let the words "I love you" be proven through consistent behavior, and with honesty. Slow-down long enough to get to know whom you think you love. Know why you think you love them? For more than just superficial reasons.
Making her out to be a totally bad person serves no purpose; when you shouldn't have sat her up on a pedestal in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2018):
You know she is bad for you, you know she doesn't care as deeply as she claimed (having been hurt/abused in the past doesn't give her an excuse to go around hurting other people, that's absurd).
Yet, you STILL keep in contact, you STILL hope that she will change for you, change for love. SHE WILL NOT.
Accept that there are thing about her you liked, liked a lot but that you overall are not compatible. CUT all contact, wish her well, block her number, delete it and work on setting some goals for yourself and standards for a future partner.
You have only dated a few months and not matter WHAT you tell yourself, she isn't going to change. Claiming that she can't "help" herself is her not taking responsibility for her own actions.
YOU have to decide if you can BE with someone who will cheat n you and CONTINUE to cheat on you (because she won't stop) or if that is not going to work (hint hint - it already isn't working).
You can't make her DO anything. She won't likely take responsibility (because she doesn't think she did anything wrong) - which means she won't apologize of admit to wrong doing... It's JUST not going to happen and you are WASTING your breath and your time wishing she would.
You ARE at fault for keep the hurt going by keeping in contact and rehashing it over and over.
She cheated, you found out and ended it, so WHY drag your feet in getting rid of all contact with her?
You aren't powerless here, OP
And to be honest, REAL love takes time to develop. Her saying "I love you" is her trying (in the beginning) to make you feel good about being with her. I don't think she knows how to love. She knows how to mimic and imitate love, but that still isn't love.
If you put your hand in the fire and get burned, you would be more careful a second time near a fire, right? so when someone HURTS you, WHY keep them around? It makes no sense.
Let her go. Fill that "void" she filled with things you enjoy, a hobby, volunteering, giving your home a make over, something that will make you forget her and the hurt and move forward.
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