A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with someone for about 9 years now , in the years ive been friends with her , I always enjoy being with her ,she makes me smile , I look forward to seeing her , enjoy her company , we get along really well , have the same sense of humour , I feel really comfortable around her and I feel as though she would stick up for me or protect me if I was in trouble . the only main thing I wish was different Is that I didn't feel so intimidated by her at times , which may seem like an odd thing to say having listed the good things about our friendship . she can look quite intimidating as well , just the way she is and her body language and the way she speaks and when she swears which I don't mean any of that offensively I just accept that . There has been so many occasions were I just want speak to her about the fact I find her at times intimidating but don't know how to go about it. I feel worried to say no to her or express my opinion and if we make plans and I don't want to meet up or change my mind I feel reluctant to tell her . She used to be quite an angry person but she has calmed down a lot recently and there has been times she has got angry at me for not wanting to meet up and because of this its just made me want to tell her how it makes me feel as I shoudnt and don't want to feel worried about how my friend will react . Just recently I told her I didnt want to go out in which I had already made it really clear that's I wasn't yet sure about going out but that's id give her a definitive answer later in the week. she said she woudnt be angry or disappointed but shes now told me shes annoyed which she shouldn't be really, considering I had make it clear I wasn't sure yet . I also told her ive wanted to talk to her about something but haven't told her what and she doesn't appear to be interested . I really want to tell her about how her intimidation makes me feel but I don't know how to tell her , what to say , whether I should and whether to send her a message , tell her in person or write a letter . and im worried about the consequences of this and how to deal with it if she does get angry as I feel she might not even be willing to listen. what should I do please? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2018): What does she do that is intimidating? Does she have any mental illnesses that you know of that could encourage her angry and intimidating behaviour? That wouldnt excuse it but would make that aspect of her personality worse.
We have to be compatible with our friends but it seems you may be hanging on to a friendship that you keep because she's familiar and you sometimes have had a nice time. It's almost like wanting to keep eating something because we mostly like it, but it makes us unwell or uncomfortable so we should probably stop eating it.
It sounds like you may have outgrown your friendship and gone in different directions because 9 years is a long time at a time in your life where youre both solidifying into adult behaviours and personalities.
WiseOwlE is spot on and you probably need to just tell her face to face in public - provided you can get there and back safely without her help just in case she doesnt take it well.
I disagree with the way the second person has approached this because I dont believe you need to "grow a backbone" or that being intimidated by a friend is your problem if she is an intimidating and angry person. She is your friend so those behaviours shouldnt really surface around you often enough for it to be an issue but it clearly does. Asking a friend not to be angry or intimidating with you is a fair thing to ask and its up to them if they stop. Its not unreasonable to expect your friendships to be equal. Being more mild than her isnt being weak or without a backbone. The thing I do agree with within that comment though is that you need to tell her when she is being intimidating or she is unlikely to notice and youre unlikely to be able to give her examples that she isnt in denial about.
We choose our friends and they should be good for us not intimidating towards us where we are anxious about telling them something. They should also show an interest if we say we have something we need to get off our chest. She may be a nice enough person in general with some good memories but that doesnt mean her friendship is worth keeping. Its okay to let go of a friend whose personality is unpredictable and bulldozes yours.
Whilst I think "Grow some backbone instead of expecting everyone else to be sensitive to your feelings" is unnecessarily harsh -I do think you need to be able to stick up for and protect yourself in the general sense and keep friends who are good for you instead of those who are kind of good but also somewhat scary//intimidating//angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2018): First-off, nobody's perfect. God corners the market on that! You can find flaws and imperfections in your friend; and don't forget, from her perspective, she can see yours too! Like your indecisiveness, and being too timid to tell her when to chill! She's a friend, and everything goes two-ways. Not just her-way or the highway! You've got a say in where you go, and whether or not you even want to go! If you need to tweak your relationship from time to time; that's how you keep it evolving, and durable enough to stand the test of time or growth. It has to stretch, twist, and bend when the situation calls for it!
The key ingredients for a successful relationship of any kind; is being understanding, considerate, consistent, and keeping mutual-trust as the foundation and glue that holds it together. Part of my wisdom comes from looking at things from a broad-perspective. Both sides deserve the benefit of the doubt. It's your post, but she doesn't get to tell her side here.
I'm going to be straight with you. If you dilly-dally or beat around the bush, instead of being woman enough to make an on-the-spot decision; who wouldn't get annoyed when it's how you usually do things? She'll take the wheel; while you dither about. Being scared to be honest, or avoiding disagreement; is not just timid, it's also immature. Her plans and decisions don't supersede yours!
You're an adult. You've got rights, and sometimes you have to stand-up for them. You have the first and last-word over your life; and what you decide you want to do with it. If she is always bossing you around; it's because you have assigned her the job of being the dominate-person in the friendship. You haven't established equality.
Set your boundaries and be straightforward. If you can't, find yourself less assertive or willful/aggressive friends.
Compatibility isn't just something you look for in a romantic-parnter; but in your friends as well. Your personalities can be different; but they also have to work in harmony. If you're timid, and she's strong and aggressive; her personality will always overrule or overshadow yours. The problem isn't totally your friend's aggressive ways; it is how you yourself have chosen a friend whose personality is more than you can handle, or deal with. Don't jump on a motorcycle; if you can't ride a bicycle!
If you're afraid of her; then logic would ask, why on earth is she your friend?
You want to talk to her about something, but she doesn't seem interested? Uhm...she doesn't know what it is yet! She may be going on the past experience, that you may dance around it; before you finally get-up the nerve to get to the point. Remember, she is also adjusting herself to your ways; just like you're trying to adapt to hers! Only, she is pushing the envelope; because she doesn't know when to lighten-up, or to back-off altogether. It's like riding a horse with no bit and reins. The horse can go wherever it pleases.
She can't always drive a bulldozer through your friendship. Sometimes she has to slow her roll; so you can compromise, or meet somewhere in the middle. Or, if necessary, just say NO!
Clean and sincere honesty without bias or being judgmental is a commodity these days. It's rare, because people want to be able to read your mind; in order to either manipulate your reaction, or predict your response. As adults, we know we get good responses and bad responses. So you have to prepare yourself to get a bad response once in awhile. If bad-reactions are all you ever get; then rethink why you would want to continue being around somebody like that?
You don't change other people to suit yourself. You do set your guidelines as to how you wish to be treated. If they can't stay within those guidelines, you let them go. Not cling to them, and complain. You can set or enforce your rules; but they don't have to live by them. It's voluntary.
Sit her down, and swallow your fear. Look her in the eyes, and tell her that sometimes she's a bit of a bully, or bossy. She makes you feel you have to be agreeable; or she will go-off on you. Sometimes you want to say no on-the-spot; but you're hesitant, because she'll get angry. That isn't fair. You don't do that to her, and she shouldn't do that to you!
Until you decide to grow a backbone and establish your equality within the relationship; she will always be the dominating personality. She can't always call the shots! Nor do you have to bend to her will; in order to maintain her friendship, and keep the peace between you. That's not how civil and considerate grown-ups interact with each other.
When we set standards and boundaries, people will sometimes get angry with us. That wouldn't be necessary, if they knew where to draw the line themselves. Right? A more aggressive personality doesn't give people free-reign over those who are more mild-mannered. Respect for you, and the kind of person that you are; demands as much respect from her, as she expects from you. If she values your friendship.
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