A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 12 years. For about the last 2 years I have felt more as if I married my sister. I love my wife, but I'm not in love with her. I dont feel close to her and I don't like to be intimate with her. Since I have been out of high school, I have always kept a place in my heart for my first love from school. I have recently learned that my first love still feels the way I do about her. She is also married, but very unhappy with her marriage. I don't have any children, I can't have any. I would like to give my wife a chance to have kids if she wants them with someone else and I don't think its fair to stay in a relationship with her if I'm not in love with her or feel close. So do I divorce my wife and go to the love of my life and start a life with her? Or do I stay where I am and just live life going through the motions?
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female
reader, Weramazing  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Clap clap clap! Chloeapple has it spot on amazing advice please take it.
A
female
reader, chloeapple +, writes (3 March 2010):
Marriage has the texture of a rubber band- sometimes you're close, sometimes you're stretched as far from each other as possible. When i read your question it didn't sound like- I'm not in love with my wife anymore and i love another woman, It sounded like "I'm bored with my wife and i want to go out with the girl i had a crush on about a decade ago." First love's often take a special place in everyone's heart. They are passionate, nostalgic affairs that were pure and our first experience of romance. This woman may be in an unhappy marriage, but she is still very much in a marriage. And probably not in the emotional position to be entering into anything new or making big life decisions, and neither are you.Work on your marriage. You've been together for twelve years, does that mean so little to you? Are you prepared to throw away ten years of happy marriage because you 'aren't feeling it?' My advice to you, is to SLOW DOWN. And think. If you think you love her like a sister, than you shouldn't destroy her by leaving her for a high school crush. If you love her like a sister, you should give her the respect of thinking about your marriage respectfully. How much fun do you think you have you been to live with these last few months/ years? "i have fallen out of love with my wife, i don't like to intimate with her" She hasn't walked away.My issue with this is that you're not considering a divorce- you're considering running off with another woman, who lets face it- you don't know very well (dating in high school isn't really comparable to a 12 year marriage), who is in a very vulnerable state, and then eventually getting a divorce, after you've been separated for a while. You're saying- I'm bored, I'm unhappy, and i don't want to think about any one else's feelings right now.You end your question "so do i divorce my wife and go start a new life with the love of my life? or should i stay and live life going through the motions?" How naive to think that they are your only two options. You have lived a happy life with your wife for ten years, You have spent more of your life loving her then anyone else. She is the love of your life. I think you are obviously unhappy at the moment, but i think the issues may be feelings inside you that you need to sort out, that are manifesting in this lack of feeling towards your wife. Maybe its not your wife you've fallen out of love with, maybe its your life. This other lady is exciting and represents something from the past that you want to feel and you're trying to get back to.I'm not trying to get complicated here- Im just trying to say that what you are feeling isn't as simple as you're trying to make it. "i want her to be able to have kids if she can" You're not fooling anyone. It's you you want to save. How long do you think it will be before your "sister" will be emotionally stable enough to be able get into a new relationship and have kids? Do you think she'll want to be a new mother 40? Work on your marriage, and work on yourself. Get some professional guidance, and work yourself out that way. Even if you and your wife do go your separate ways, have enough respect for your marriage and the investment you have both put into it, to work at it before you walk away. That is what a marriage is about, a commitment to work on it when it needs it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
Go back home to your wife, and work on your marriage. Tell her there are issues and that you would like to try and work it out. You love her, so you know this can be fixed with enough work. This high school sweetheart thing is a dream. Because the reality will be that you will end up in the same situation as you are now with your wife. Like siblings. Relationships need to be natured and worked on. They're not easy. Go home to your wife and give yourself a year to work it out. If it doesn't work after that, then leave. And stop contact with this other married woman for now as well. Go back to your wife.
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A
female
reader, Ros +, writes (3 March 2010):
honestly, both of you, your highschool sweethart and you are longing to reconcile cause of your marriages going wrong. But running to each other with out finishing your current relationships with dignity and fairness is going to make the both of you land where you are right now. Just with each other.
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