A
female
age
51-59,
*nhappy1971
writes:I am married. My marriage has not been full of butterflies and cupcakes. My husband is verbally abusive, treats me like I am beneath him and loves nothing more (i think) than to embarrass me in front of my family, friends and even my kids (the kids are not his). Before we were married he felt he had to sew his wild oats, which now that i think about it, i was stupid for forgiving him since he contracted a STD, then tried to make out like it could have come from me. We are both in the church. He is more then I am. I feel he is shoving God and the church down my throat. I am to the point i do not want to be married nor do i want to be in church (at least for now). I am about to explode. I have told him how i felt, that he has hurt my feelings more times then i can count. and still nothing has changed. I have caught myself driving home from work thinking about just hitting the gas and running into a tree. the fact that my kids would be alone and my first grandchild is on the way keeps me from it. I have read the "only reason" God allows for a divorce, but i do not see why I have to live this way forever. I shouldnt have to. Yes i have prayed, i have talked, i have all but begged him to stop. what else do i have to do beofre i tell him i want out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Any relationship that makes you consider harming yourself or causes you to question your beliefs is destructive and frankly not worth it. God would NEVER want you to live miserably. You live in sin now because you've chosen not to get yourself away from this terrible man. He is a bad influence in your life and I believe God, being the loving father he is, wants you to stand up for yourself and get AWAY from this negativity.
My mother is in a similar situation and I wish she had left my father years ago. It's been nothing but misery for everyone involved (especially her and her daughters). Things might get nasty as far as separation or divorce goes, insults and distorted religious views will probably get thrown in your face, but take it as a test of faith and stick to your guns. You deserve a better life and the only person keeping you from leaving your husband is you. You are choosing to believe that God would want you to stay with him. You are choosing not to separate/divorce. You have chosen to put up with it for as long as you have despite things not getting better. He doesn't need to make excuses for himself because you're doing that for him, otherwise you would have walked away with your head high and let someone else tolerate his abuse. Know that you're better than that. Set an example for your kids and grandchild. Show them that if someone treats you poorly you don't put up with it for ANY reason. He's his own worst enemy so leave him in the dust and let him suffer with himself. Others will get tired of hearing him gripe and he'll be left with no one but himself to blame.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): I respect your believes but Religion has been one of the main tools for setting women below standards, and this in the name of God.
God didn't create us for being misserables, he is a father and you know parents wants what is best for their children as you do for yours.
I do believe in God and I put my family and my life every day on his hands but not in a stupid guy like the one you are living with. You have the obligation to protect your children, get out of there and stand for yourself and your children.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 March 2010):
Enough is well enough here. PLEASE leave him. He's abusive, he's cheated and blamed you for STD's, and he belittles you. Nothing has changed and you're not getting suicidal thoughts. Leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): [I am married. My marriage has not been full of butterflies and cupcakes. My husband is verbally abusive, treats me like I am beneath him and loves nothing more (i think) than to embarrass me in front of my family, friends and even my kids (the kids are not his).] My wife is like that.[We are both in the church. He is more then I am. I feel he is shoving God and the church down my throat. I am to the point i do not want to be married nor do i want to be in church (at least for now).]She was like that, too, until I set her straight about how her thinking she's so perfect and how abusive she really is clash, and I have no motivation to go to church while living with a hypocrite like that everyday. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian, and she'll never steal that away, but I sin everyday, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, and I have no intentions of ever pretending I don't, until I don't, because I'm human. [I have told him how i felt, that he has hurt my feelings more times then i can count and still nothing has changed. I have caught myself driving home from work thinking about just hitting the gas and running into a tree. the fact that my kids would be alone and my first grandchild is on the way keeps me from it. I have read the "only reason" God allows for a divorce, but i do not see why I have to live this way forever. I shouldnt have to. Yes i have prayed, i have talked, i have all but begged him to stop. what else do i have to do beofre i tell him i want out.]I'm living it, too, with her, except for the grandchild part, and there is no way out, for me, the way they twisted it on me when I seeked councelling for her, pretending I had to have initiated her abusive times, and had to have been abusive, myself, to make her rage all the time on me, and beat on me. I refuse to let her raise my kids by herself, knowing how abusive she is, so I vow not to leave the house or my kids, and I'll fight for custody of them when she finally goes too far, even though I know I'll probably lose that battle with the justice system, knowing how unfair they are toward the innocent father, first hand. I'm mainly still living with her so I don't abandon my children, leaving them with the a terrible role model, and a house of tension. I've learned how to talk to her in such a way that when she lashes out verbally, as she tries everyday, all the time, that she doesn't know how to continue being bad, essentially stumping her in the process, or I'll act all happy and joke non-provokingly so she has no way to keep her game going. They hate that..because they don't know how to turn something positive into something negative when you keep throwing more positive words or conversation at them in return. You see, I have this long term plan, after all her abuse towards me, that I'll raise my kids the best I can, and try hard to shield them from her(she knows not to snap and yell at them..that's where I draw the line). Then, when they're ready to move out on their own someday, I'm gone too, and I know that will happen, because I can't ever imagine myself being able to tolerate her evil abuse and misery without any other reason to stay. In your case, it's easy and you're lucky, because he's the abusive one, so being you're the mother, go take your child(ren) and get out, because he'll never change, and they only get to remission stages and back and forth, but never actually improve or have any true desire to. You'll never see any respect or love as long as you stay, so leave and don't think twice about it. If you're not abusive toward your child or don't have that mean streak in you, take the children with you, and don't worry about them not living with their dad. They're better off not having him to learn from. Another better guy will probably come along sometime, but for now, just don't worry about that. Go give yourself and your children a better life. At least you have the option, morally. Don't worry about how religion, church goers or friends or family will judge you for it, either, just save yourself and your kids, if it's that bad. People absolutely cannot judge you for it if they haven't lived in your situation.
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