| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I don't think, I can forgive to my husband for his sexual let down. He totally cooled out a few years ago, and has problems with psychological erectile dysfunction. I mean he is healthy, but not able to hold an erection. But no diabetes or anything like that.... He also spends all his time with work, and I kind of stayed alone to raise our kids,he was financially supportive, but we never really been a good family, or couple. Now, I feel angry at him deep down and thinking of leaving him years ago. I'm still here and doing my ''role'' but I feel, I must do something before I really become a total burnout. I know, this site is not for psychoanalysis yet I did see some great posts, before I wrote mine. I do see, there is a great effort here to save marriages and I have a lots of respect for those who put so much energy to save a complete stranger.. I think it is the best site I found, because people can turn here with no fuss at all. Yet not all marriages can be saved, and sometimes our emotions are more complex, than we could deal with them ourselves. Well, I do need some real honest input to my question regarding about staying angry and whether to stay or leave my marriage? Please give me your thoughts!
View related questions:
erection Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Thanks for all the answers! I m trying to get some more strength ,and hold on to my marriage !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): It is so sad.. Way too many marriage ends ,because of sex! Somehow,it is not a good idea, to blow up everything ,because of the bed... There is so much more to it..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): i feel your pain. i was told that if i needed sex that bad i should go out and find it. just not to let him know and to bring my ass back home!! well, i did just that. the hard part is not falling in love. i tried for along time to get him to go to a doc but he wont. i know he loves me but i need more..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Thanks, I was wondering,if there is anything else,I could try? Is it always better to save a marriage? Or sometimes ,its better let it go? How far can you go?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Sometimes you, do your best ,but you cant help it! Some marriages are so toxic, that,there is nothing you can do to save them. Clearly it is becoming a health risk! Every marriage has to end before depression sets in! But no t before trying to do everything to save it!
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Your kids are not kids any more, they're adults so they shouldn't stop you doing what you want to do. You and hubby need to set time aside and do something TOGETHER, take some quality time out alone together just the two of you. (When was the last time you did that?) By that I don't mean sitting watching TV, I mean going away for the weekend or doing something just the two of you with no distractions. Then you can talk to him and say to him how much you've missed doing this or that and how you'd love to do it more often. This will open up the flow and hopefully get HIM to open up more too.
There are certain ways to "talk" to our husbands. If he's had a hard day at work then all he wants to do is chill out when he gets home. Men tend to go into their caves and no matter what we say to them they're sometimes only half listening. If you've been in all day then you WANT to talk to him when he gets home but he'll just want to unwind so I suggest choosing a time when he's more chilled out (like the weekend away I suggested.)
He might have a lot of pressures at work or be worried about something else that he's not telling you about. All of this would contribute to his ED as it sounds to me to be psychological. When did you last compliment him? Guys like to be complimented too. When did you last thank him for doing something for you no matter how small? If you can get closer to him and he can enjoy your company without you nagging or having a go at him then he'll relax a lot more.
It sounds as if you have both got into a rut and a boring routine in this marriage and your resentments have built up to the point that you're ready to explode but without communicating (not nagging, moaning but doing it in a certain way) then you will never get his attention. Remember, you said your relationship was once very passionate so there is love buried there somewhere. He probably just feels useless, (because of the ED) tired and unappreciated all the time as I'm sure you do too.
Have that weekend away and spend some quality time together. Don't just throw 25 years of marriage away without genuinely trying to fix things.
Communication is the key, tell him how you feel and how you long to have back that passion from years ago, that coupled with some words of comfort and praise to boost his ego a little, along with apprciation to let him know how much you appreciate everything he's done over the years will go a long way.
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (2 February 2010):
I hate to be the one to ask, but you mention that he cooled off a few years ago, and since has been spending all his time at work...
Did his cool off happen all sudden like?
Did his very busy work schedule begin around the same time?
Does he have a female secretary or co-worker?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): How long have you been married? 25 YEARS... Were you both crazy about one another at one time? YES, IT WAS A VERY PASSIONATE LOVE... And how old are your children? 19-23 Is he a good father and does he spend time with the kids? Good provider.... Have you ever tried to talk to him about how you're feeling? all the time,but no results..
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 February 2010):
You're keeping all this resentment in you rather than calmly talking to him about it. When he's not working, sit down and tell him that all these problems are now seriously taking their effect on your marriage, and unless changes are made, you will have to leave. Sometimes the big ultimatum is all it takes to kick a man into action. Have a real heart to heart talk and tell him that things need to change because you're feeling hurt and rejected. Start with that and see if he opens up at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
You obviously feel a lot of resentment towards your husband. You probably feel that he has withdrawn emotionally from you which is ofcourse totally not fair on you. Yes, not all marriages can be saved but you need to think things through before you make any rash decisions. If you have been a stay at home mum that means you dont have enough in savings to move out. Secondly divorce is the last resort. What's better is a temporary separation that will give you both time to think about your marriage and maybe go back to the basics to thinking about what's really important. You are both in a comfort zone and you need a wake up call to start appreciating each other. So tell him how you feel then tell him you need a couple of weeks away to think things through then after that you can both discuss if you want to work things out.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (2 February 2010):
How long have you been married? Were you both crazy about one another at one time? And how old are your children? Is he a good father and does he spend time with the kids? Have you ever tried to talk to him about how you're feeling? If you don't get this sorted out then your resentment for him will continue to grow. This marriage CAN be saved but it will require a lot of work on BOTH your parts. If you can answer my questions and give more information then it will give me more to go on and I'll answer you further.
~Eve~
...............................
|
