A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right now my brain is the midst of a battle...Why? It’s because I’m somehow beginning to see women in a completely different light than I did before. Long story short, Wednesday at work, the topic of women came up. In my office there are 3 guys and 1 girl, my boss was out. I’m 23. The topic “Can you have a successful relationship with a woman without lying to her?” – All the guys except me said it’s impossible.The question “If a girl has a female best-friend and one day she asks you (husband/boyfriend) whether she or the best-friend is hotter (and you think the friend is hotter). Would you tell her the truth?” came up.All the guys said “No” because saying anything else would cause problems. I like an idiot said “Yes” I would tell her the truth because I’m sure whoever my wife is would be someone mature enough to handle the truth and WANT ME TO BE HONEST WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES, REGARDLESS!!Apart from the fact that everyone laughed at me including the girl who said “Yep, I’d prefer if you lied.” I decided to just brush it aside saying I’m a decent guy in search for decent girl, I’m sure they exist in the world and I’m not like you guys who lie to women without reason. They just laughed some more and even wished me all the best , telling me that they’ve been down that road before until they finally gave up because they found out women are funny creatures one of my co-workers went as far as to say that he really respects my effort but he’s not interested in resorting to my methods.I’m not saying I’ve never lied before, I’m saying I’m not a liar. I hate when I lie to people because I don’t like being lied to....nobody does....or so I thought. I went on to say “I’d rather a girl break up with me because I always told the truth, rather than always lying.” After work, I asked some of my female friends the same question. I think two said “Yes/Truth” and one said “No/Lie” then she switched it to “It depends”. But funny enough I feel these very same girls have a hard time being told the truth getting grumpy and what-not whenever I do. (NB: I’m not harsh when I tell the truth unless it is necessary; I try to be as tactful as possible)But the question still lingered in my head...Yesterday, I come home and just randomly decide to ask my mother. Knowing she is from a completely different generation I figured she would give me an answer that was more complimentary to my nature...and she did saying “She’d prefer the truth.” I was happy at first until the discussion began to evolve. I asked her “Is there any point at which you think lying would be appropriate?” and she said if she was being cheated on she wouldn’t want to know regardless of who she may think it is if she somehow had suspicions she would prefer a lie. Then she went on to say that women are very strange and told me stuff I would never allow myself to listen to when other guys told me “Like No means Yes” and what girls say to each other about guys behind closed doors. She ended her conversation with “You’re young, you have a lot to learn about women.”(NB: My mother is a very decent woman, she’s only been with 2 men her entire life including my father)I for one was SHOCKED!!Is that really the definition of a woman?All these years guys warned me that women are strange and I being the goodie two shoes I was wouldn’t listen.I FEEL SO DISAPPOINTED IN WOMEN. That’s the only emotion I can cough up...that’s it. All this time I felt sorry for women when their boyfriend told them all sorts of crap and they believed it then they caught them have sex with their sister or something. All this time I wanted to be respectful to a woman and honest...turns out they don’t want that.They even go so far as to say “Hey, Lie to me, I prefer that!” If you allow guys to lie to you for one thing what’s going to stop them from lying about another?I’m SO OVERWHELMED right now I can’t even think properly. I’m here trying to watch a movie but I can’t seem to focus for two minutes....ALL THIS TIME!!Now, everything makes sense, all the things people use to tell me, even women!I don’t think I can ever respect women again...If this is what the modern day woman is really all about, I’d rather become gay and spend the rest of my life with men. Hell, I’m starting to question my faith “Does God even exist?” Maybe that’s just a lie too. I just sooooooo disappointed. You know what my problem was. I tried to be too nice. Now I don’t even want to be nice anymore. I just want to be mean and bitter to women....just like all the other guys, why bother fight it anymore. I mean that’s what they want right.Women are the way they are because of men and men are the way they are because of women...It’s so sick...I’m TRYING MY BEST not to say I hate women I REALLY AND TRULY AM but Women hate other women for crying out loud. That’s why it’s like a fight in my head to not wake up as a completely different person. Thank God it’s a Friday, I need this weekend to really think. I feel like I’m losing it. I don’t think anyone will really understand how much my mind and way of thinking has been messed up by all of this.What I want is help. From the side of me that still wants to search and have hope...I’m not really sure if I can trust the opinion of a woman again. SOMEBODY PLEASE help me to help myself. Why do we live in a world like this?Everybody is like fire and I’m just a drop of water....what good can I do? Maybe it’s time I just evaporate.
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at work, co-worker, liar, my boss Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2012):
 I think you got a lot of growing up to do :)
The aunties gave you great advice, so I won't add on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Have you surveyed every woman in the world to lose respect for them? I doubt it. There are females out there who are honest, don't want to be lied to, etc. Generalizing women based on a few you've talked to is just silly. More so that you lost respect for them because of a few conversations you've had.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 October 2012):
 "Are you cheating on me?" - Tell me the truth.
"Do you love me?" - Tell me the truth.
"Were there strippers at the bachelor party?" - Tell me the truth.
"Who was that girl that called you?" - Tell me the truth.
"Do you think my best friend is hotter than me?" - White lie.
"Do I look fat today?" - White lie.
"I spend all night working on this dinner for you. Do you like it?" - White lie.
"I love my new haircut. Do you like it?" - White lie.
The other posters covered it. I don't want to be redundant. But I will be here - there is a difference between being honest and being hurtful. It is a thin line, no doubt. But, "honey, I'm not going to lie. You do look fat today.", or even, "honey, I'm just being honest... you do look a little bit heavier than yesterday". There is no non-hurtful way to say that.
If you ask your girlfriend, "do you find me attractive?" and she says, "No, not at all." - that is the kind of honesty that haunts you and hurts you for life. And in that case, honesty is cruel.
See, it's not just women who would like a white lie now and then. We give it back to you men just as often. And frankly, it's for the better. So if you want to go for guys from now on, you will find that the same issue rises there too. Being cruel for the sake of telling the truth is not just a female issue - it's a common sense issue across the board.
So, if you're going to hate someone, hate humankind. Because it's universal. Sometimes the truth hurts. More than it helps. And if it is more painful than helpful, it is better to white lie or shut your mouth. I'm all for honesty, but not at the expense of being malicious.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Personally, I think those types of questions ('who is prettier') are childish. I don't ask them and as far as I know no one in my circle of friends and family does either. However...
It's interesting to note that in the scenarios you've described it was the men doing the lying (not for the woman's convenience but for his own) and yet you're 'trying not to say [you] hate women'.
You tell us women are the way they are because of men and vice versa, yet you single women out for blame and punishment. Where is the logic in that?
Women are not strange creatures. We're human, just like men are and we have our own strengths and weaknesses, as men do. We cannot all be squeezed into one category or another; honest or deceitful, good or bad, smart or silly, for your convenience.
The question, dumb as it is to me, is a means of seeking validation in moments of vulnerability or taking the pulse of a relationship. Men ask similar questions of women all the time. We just don't hear about them because women generally know the real reason they're asking and answer accordingly. As many men probably do with women.
You live in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people who don't all fit into one compartment or another. Beyond common courtesy, there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to how to relate to others.
Think back on all the news stories you've heard or read about where one person saves another or does some other good deed. Do you all of these good samaritans were all saints? Do you think none of them ever lied to anyone ever, gossiped about others, stole, drank to excess, cheated on someone, played hookie from work?
To define the entire existance of half the world's population by one silly question is shallow.
Life isn't about knowing everything up front then spending the rest of your days coasting on mental auto pilot. So don't give yourself a headache despairing over it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 October 2012):
So basically you're basing this whole newfound 'truth' on a few conversations you had at work and with your mom? Sounds to me what you lack is a foundation in life. If a breeze is all that's needed to make everything you hold true in life fall apart like a house of cards, something is wrong.
Get some counseling to help deal with self esteem issues and learn to NOT be afraid to have an opinion and actually stand by it even if the 'majority' doesn't agree with you. That's called having a spine. It's what makes you, you. Without it you're just a shell filled with opinions and thoughts of other people.
The truth is that most women want honesty, but they sometimes ask questions they cannot handle the answer to. Questions like "does my butt look fat in this", "does my sister look hotter than me," etc. are questions an insecure person fishing for compliments asks, because she knows that the majority of men don't want to risk the consequences of telling a person with self esteem issues that they look bad. A woman who is confident and comfortable in her own skin will never ask questions like these. As for what to answer to them, simply telling them they look nice is an easy way to sidestep such a thing without completely lying.
As for the cheating part, it depends on the person. Some people would rather stay in denial than face the truth and deal with the consequences. Your mom is such a person. That doesn't mean she speaks for every woman out there. I would much prefer it if a guy is straight with me. Then I can move on and find myself someone who does respect me. Lots of women feel the way I do.
So in short, don't give up on your beliefs so soon when they're challenged. Considering the points people bring up is a good thing, but letting them completely change everything you held true means you don't have much faith in your own ability to judge things as they are.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 You've fallen victim to your own "standards" to tell the truth always. Your colleagues told you their truthful opinions and look at how you are reacting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Gee that is some intense stuff...What age are you? I think first of you should stop listening to other people's opinions, if you want to tell the truth then do so, your not he only guy who does..For instances.. I go out with a group of girls, I'm married have 3 kids very happy, but I go with them once a month, and most of the girls in the circle are single.. So after a few trips to the bar they will see a group of guys and they will ask them to rate us 1 being ugly and 10 being hot, and most guys are brutally honest ( like you) and yes some of the girls get offended etc but then again they shouldn't have asked in the first place, should they?! In regard to your mother, that is her preferences she just wouldn't want to know, mine on the other hand I would and kick his sorry butt to he curb..I don't know why your going off on one over basically nothing .. Being honest is badTelling a white lie isn't badIt's up to the individual whether they do or don't, god on the other hand takes faith and the belief within yourself.. God is very forgiving and telling a white lie example yes your shoes are gorgeous. Event though YOU think there not isn't going get you into trouble..Your thinking far to deeply into this and maybe there something else lying behind it.. Do you get female attention I wonder? Don't waste your time worrying and puzzling over the weekend.. Everyone opinion is different there is not a wrong way only the person way.. Telling the truth as you do is okey don't worry about it . It you..Have a good weekend and just chill
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): I'm a woman who doesn't want to be lied to, especially not by my husband. I don't understand the ones who do, because I think that makes the relationship a total waste of time. What's the point in being with someone if you have to lie to them all the time to keep them happy? Even lying about little things is unacceptable, in my opinion. Take the 'is my friend sexier than me' question, for example. I would want to know the truth. I wouldn't get angry if my husband said yes, either. If he said yes, I would simply ask him what it is about her he found sexier than me, and ask him what I should do to improve my looks so that he would view ME as sexier. Most women DO want to be the sexiest in their man's eyes, but if my husband found someone else sexier, I would be curious as to why. And I would also go through with whatever it was he wanted me to change about my looks. For example, a few years back, he told me he really likes long hair. I had also seen him admire long hair on other women, and I'll admit it made me jealous. My hair was only shoulder length at the time. Now it's down to my waist. I grew my hair out for over 2 years, and now it's the best in his eyes. As for your mother saying she would want to be lied to if cheated on, I can honestly say I don't really think she thought that one through before she said it. For one, I would want to know so I could kick him to the curb, and find someone who would be faithful to me. I would also want to know, because my health could possibly be at risk. What if he got an STD and gave it to me? I would want to be tested so that if I had one, I could be treated and/or cured. Lastly, OP, I disagree with the poster who said you asked a ridiculous question. I see where you're coming from, and I don't get it either. I suppose some women just like to live in a fantasy world where they can pretend men don't have sexy thoughts about any other women besides their girlfriend or wife. By the way, I have asked my husband before if he thought another woman was sexier than me. He said no. I then asked him 'what about celebrities' and he said they are all makeup and plastic surgery. I don't know if that is what he really thinks or not, and I'll probably never know for sure. Maybe he just assumed I couldn't handle the truth because I'm a woman. And with the things he told me about some of the women in his past, I don't blame him.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Ok so let me get this straight. You hate women because most women would prefer not to hear their friend/sister is hotter than they are. And because your mom said she would prefer to be lied to if cheated on. Is that it because that's all I saw. Well I can help you out some.
The first part, would women prefer to be lied to if their friend is hotter than they are? Sure, most women would. And guess what? So would men! This is called courtesy, being kind and not being mean spirited and hurtful to your partner. If I found my husband's best friend hotter than him would that make him feel good to hear it?? No, that makes no sense. It is not just women, people in general don't want their feelings hurt.
About your mother's cheating comment, she is in the minority there and you cannot base her statement for all women. I for damn sure wouldn't want to be lied to about being cheated on. I don't want to be lied to about anything, I believe in 100% honesty. I don't like anything done behind my back and want to know everything. But when it gets into things like hurting someone's feelings without any good coming from it, I don't see the point. You will be labeled as an asshole if you tell a future girlfriend her friend is hotter than she is. Maybe that makes you hate women, fine. But I think you need some growing up to do. To be honest all the conversations you have had seem very one sided to me. Tons of women feel like they "need" to lie to men to keep them happy too. Like fake orgasms comes to mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Your post makes it painfully obvious that you need to go to therapy. You have very little understanding of women, and a few conversations with varying opinions have you forming some serious misconceptions. You are overreacting. This is making you doubt your belief in God? Wow. Relax.There is a big, HUGE difference between a woman wanting a guy to tell her a white lie and a woman wanting a man to hide something as serious as infidelity. I'm a woman, and I want a kind, honest partner. But... let's say I'm feeling insecure and silly and ask, "Is so-and-so-prettier than me?" that I'd necessarily want to hear, "Oh, yeah, honey. Of course she is. Why are you so upset?? I thought you wanted me to be HONEST with you."Now, everyone's different, but I have to agree with the other aunts and say that woman want pretty much the same thing. There's a time for honesty, but there is also a time to not be unnecessarily cruel in comparing your partner to someone else.If you really think you can justify misogyny from a conversation like this that you seriously are making a mountain out of a molehill over, you need to get yourself to a psychologist. Relax. This is not ground-breaking shock horror you've discovered.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 October 2012):
 First of all..this is a ridiculous question. Try having a girlfriend or wife in reality and telling her you think one of her friends is sexier than she is and see what you get. You might be honest, but you're also being hurtful for no good reason. Personally, if I were you, I would NEVER compare my partner's sexiness to someone else's sexiness...EVER. It's hurtful and it accomplishes nothing except to show that you are boarish.
Second of all, because of this stupid and pointless conversation you hate women? With all due respect...you need to get a life. Here's what women want: They want someone who worships and adores the ground they walk on. Yes, they want the truth, but in a respectful manner over topics of serious discussion...not over who registers highest on the sexometer.
I agree with your mom...you do need to grow up.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (12 October 2012):
 If you honestly believe that you can get away with being a misogynist because some women would prefer not to know certain things that would hurt them, then you have bigger issues to worry about. Like the fact that you're considering being a misogynist.Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries. You cannot decide for them what they HAVE to know. They have their own standards and condemning them for it is narcissistic.You have a right to your standards. They have a right to theirs, and if you don't respect them because you disagree with them, be aware of the fact that some people will disagree with you, too. And I'm sure you don't want to be disrespected, condemned and hated because of your standards that don't affect them in any significant way.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 October 2012):
 If this question appears on an anonymous survey, you will get different answers. Everyone just picked the safest answer and this question is made by a man with an agenda to expression frustration towards the opposite sex. I don't think you need to be gay. I don't think the question is used to trap a man or that we want to be lied to. Women are aware of how they look. I am short and I had a boy. If my friend is younger taller with nicer skin I know that she is hotter. Women don't ask this question because they need to know the truth. They want to know if their boyfriends are happy with them and will not daydream about her best friends. It's not a yes or no that we require. What we really want to hear is that you only have the eyes for us and would not fantasize about having sex with others. It helps if you can read between the lines and not take everything literally. I myself will never ask that question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): I think you are over reacting and going plain nuts over a topic where there is no correct answer/response! You're still very young and immature. This is a conversation to be had in jest. Why is your thinking so polarized - its black of white. What a harsh reality you are creating for yourself! OVER THIS YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME MEAN AND RUDE TO WOMEN?Look, some women (and men) look the other way when their partner cheats. With life and decades of marriage you learn to love your partner no matter what - sexual affairs sometimes do not mean much to SOME people. So, they prefer to not know. OTHER people (men and women) would know immediately if their partner cheats. That is life EVERYONE is different.I'd like to see your reaction one day when your girlfriend asks you, "do you think my friend is prettier than me?" and you respond with a "Yes". After which, she falls apart starts crying and is upset because she can't trust you around her friend. Then for weeks all you hear about is how she doesn't like how she looks and her friend is prettier than her. LOL, I'm a girl. I've been there!! I've done this. A girl ask a stupid question, a guy answers honestly and the girl become all upset and self-consious. The guys at work have been burned like this, so they've learned to answer questions like this by saying "NO" OR 'I think you are way more beautiful' even if its not the truth. Now being 30, I try not to ask stupid questions. I did ask my husband if he thinks my girlfriend is beautiful. He said yes. I got a little hurt (no tantrums like when I was younger). Seeing this he responded with, "but you're more beautiful". LOL, I don't know if this is the truth. BUT it made me feel better. I kina know its PROBABLY not the truth - this girl is model stunning, but hey, I hope it is!! It's a little fib that makes me feel better.You have alot to learn about dating my friend. With the type of honesty you expect in a relationship, you'll be deemed abusive, "yeah your not looking hot; you've gained weight; I hate how you look but your personality is awesome; you're butt IS fat" - are these things your going to be telling your GF if she asks? Jeeze...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This business about 'lying' - it isn't that. What they are talking about is being kind and not hurting someone's feelings or destroying their confidence. If an Olympic runner is about to start a race, you don't say 'well, you're good, but I think the guy from Canada might beat you' - you tell the person they're the best, so they can feel the best and do their best. And about telling a woman if someone else is more attractive is in the same category - you don't have to spell it out to her. It is, anyhow, a silly question to ask in the first place.As for all these men lying and cheating - I really don't know what kind of friends you have, but I know a lot of couples, and there is none of that. You are taking an example from a small group and saying everybody is like that. They aren't. You are making this all too simple. What your mother or another woman means when she says she wouldn't want to know is: she wouldn't want her world to be destroyed, and life changed, forever, because of a meaningless sex act on the part of their husbands. You see? There are a lot of different ways of looking at this.So you should find a nice woman, and be nice to her. Create your own world with her.
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