A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has a female friend, who he was in love with before he met me. Nothing ever happened between them, except that eventually he told her how he felt and they talked it over. Now his feelings for her are platonic and he's been with me for two years. He is still friends with her, and sees her when she comes home from university. I'm ok with this, and sometimes I meet up with her too. We get on quite well, considering.However, my boyfriend says she's been feeling a bit down recently, and he wants to go and visit her at university for the weekend. When I asked if it would be both of us going he said no, just him.I am NOT ok with this. I don't think it's acceptable or appropriate for him to visit a girl he had very strong feelings for, and stay overnight with her, ALONE, when he has a longterm girlfriend. I like the girl, and I get on with her, but I don't think it's ok for him to stay overnight with her alone. I'd be fine with the idea if I was invited too, but for some reason I'm not.I also don't see why it's up to my boyfriend to drive all that way to cheer her up, when she has a lot of friends and a boyfriend of her own, and I know that if the situation was reversed, she would not do the same for him. Even when she is home from university, she won't make the short trip to see him, and he always has to pick her up.So I guess I'm worried that because he's prepared to put all this effort in even though he knows she wouldn't do it for him, and because he doesn't want me there but wants to be alone with her, that maybe he still feels something for her, and he wants it to be like the good old days (i.e. the good old days when he wanted desperately to be in a relationship with her). And even if he doesn't, she's still got a very special place in his heart, and I just DO NOT think it's appropriate.Am I right?
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (26 October 2010):
Listen whether its happen are not your guy will always hope. I really doubt he'll try anything with her. I think if she pull back the sheets then you will be nowhere in his mind. I know he's showing her what a true friend he can be and she can always count on him no matter what or whom he with. She has those magical words or word (yes). If he goes then he should stay. All trust would be gone if I was you. This man still loves this woman.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Truthfully I think there is a spark of something more - it might not have happened yet but it could - lets face it. I've heard all the ramblings about female friends but in your case he once had very strong feelings for her and yet never acted on it? I hate to say 'unfinished business' but there I've said it now. I think you have every right to say no to him and why. If he then decides to upset you and threaten your relationship and make her happy then I think that tells you quite a lot. What you don't want to do is make this a battle of wills. Tell him the deal, you are extremely upset at what he is doing, you don't want him to go and he is putting the relationship on the line. Tell him its up to him and walk away. I hope he decides he's being stupid and this other girl has, as you say, other shoulders to cry on. From a females perspective I would never ever ever ask a male friend (married or with a girlfriend) to come and stay at mine for the weekend - I just would not expect them to do that and I would not insult their relationship or their partner by suggesting it. She clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings.... the big question is... does he??
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I love Dear Jilly's advice, pay close attention to her post.
The only thing you can tell him is you prefer him not to go alone due to the fact he harbored previous feelings for her. (Which may or may not be gone) Or you would be okay with you going along, it's better to be surrounded by friends when you're down than just a single person trying to cheer her up. But ultimately he's going to do what he wants. Now let's take a look at her you don't get the "wanting to steal your man" vibe from her, really from your post she doesn't even sound like that great of a friend to him. Since he can't have her as a girlfriend, friendship is better than nothing at all. It's more or less you don't trust him and his intentions.
However, he could very well make the trip and be the friend she apparently needs to cheer her up. (Which I agree her boyfriend should be stepping up to the plate on this one, or any of her friends in uni) And he could sleep on the couch, or guest room, and make no move to confess his undying love for her. I say see how the air is between you two when he comes back..then make the call to stay with him even though you're unsure he's totally over her or break up with him because you feel second best.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (26 October 2010):
 "It's my firm belief that he still has very strong feelings for this other woman."
Agree 100%. If I were you I would deliver an ultimatum: if he goes to visit this girl, either you get to go with him, or you consider your relationship over. It's non-negotiable. This is NOT acceptable behavior in a relationship and I certainly wouldn't stand for it. In all honesty, I would have broken up with him as soon as he told me I couldn't come; it is a major red flag that he is still pining after this girl and doesn't view you as on his 'team' (or your team membership dissolves when it comes to this girl). I know what your boyfriend's imagining: late nights of pouring his soul out to this girl and vice versa. He won't view it as cheating, but it is, big time emotional cheating. The only girl he should be doing this with, besides you, is a SISTER.
If you want to soften the ultimatum, suggest you come with him and the FOUR of you (you, your boyfriend, the girl and her boyfriend) can hang out. If he wants some alone time with the girl you can all go for a walk or to the mall and you can keep the boyfriend company while he talks with the girl. But keep in mind you are compromising on a situation which really should not be happening at all. In order for a red flag this major to have come up, you must have been missing or ignoring minor red flags over the last two years. Really think on the last two years and try to decide if this relationship is salvageable.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): I'm a guy. If I had to name my ten closest friends, eight of them would be female. My best friend is female. I have had a girlfriend whom I have lived with for several years. She sometimes comes out with my female friends, but often not. I regularly meet up with my female friends for meals or to go see a film or just a drink. I have never been in love or 'fancied' any of them.
My girlfriend knows that my friends are hugely important to me. Most of them were around before she was. I have no brothers or sisters, so in a way they are my family. If any of my closest friends rang me at 2 in the morning with a problem, my girlfriend knows I'd be there for them. Because they are friends. Friends are there for each other.
Men and women can be friends without the sex you know. It isn't always When Harry Met Sally. I think it would be appropriate for you to tell your bf you feel uncomfortable about this, and to discuss it, but at the end of the day, if you love someone you have to trust them. It is wrong for someone to insist that their partner can't or shouldn't do something because of THEIR insecurity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Well I can understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable with this.. completely, but whether it is right or wrong, is of course down to the people involved, and IF you feel it's wrong then you are very much entitled to say, and be heard by your boyfriend as you've been together quite some time now.
You say you know this girl, so presume you've met her a few times..so what is the reason your boyfriend gives for going alone to see this girl? Just wanting to be alone, is not good enough, as you are obviously quite upset. What does her boyfriend feel about this, does he know..and IF she is down, then as you say she already has boyfriend to comfort her.
I am feeling your boyfriend is putting this girl before your feelings, as I'm sure you have said how your're feeling to him, yet he is still going ahead with seeing her. Not sure I would like this either. But you can only try to talk to him about it.
I know you say nothing went on between them, yet you also say he was in-love with her, now for whatever reason they didn't go on to make a relationship - they didn't completely sever the ties, and in my experience very few people go straight from being in-love with someone to platonic without FIRST having some considerable distant for those initial feelings to die. Usually years, before people can do this, sometimes it's not possible at all.
Not to mention this, would be turning a blind eye, burying the proverbial head in the sand, and this cannot be totally ignored. Often if situations are reversed a person can SEE more of WHY they be causing hurt - have you asked your boyfriend how he would feel if the situation was you and an ex - an ex, you never really stopped seeing, but kept in your life.
You have every right to know what is going on, every right to be upset and every right to ASK questions, whether or not you will get the answers you need and want, I don't know.
So sorry you're upset, I really am, I can imagine how this feels, and once before I've been there, and it's not a nice feeling.
I hope he changes his mind and you both go together, and if he doesn't, then you really think about what this girls friendship means to him, where he's willing to have you upset, rather than upset this girl but turning it down, or taking you with him.
Good luck sweetie!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Well, you certainly cannot forbid him to go visit her and spend the night alone with her, can you?
As the other poster says, let him know how you feel about what he's proposing to do, and see how he responds.......by the way, if she has a boyfriend of her own, I don't know why he isn't (IF in fact he isn't) raising very strong objections to this idea).
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (26 October 2010):
 You're only right if you don't trust him. The truth is that nothing is likely to happen. She has a BF and shot him down it the past. I don't think that she is likely to change her mind.
With regard to your BF, I think he's doing this because he truely cares for her and wants to help. Do you know why she's been down? It could be because of those friends, and therefore she feels like she doesn't have anywhere else to turn. I have no idea, is that a blank you can fill in for us? I also think your BF may not have gotten past all his feelings for her. To go out of his way like this indicates that he probably isn't over her completely. He likely never will be.
Ask yourself how much you trust your BF. Even if he had/has feelings for her, that doesn't mean he will act on him. If he hasn't given you reason to doubt him, then you should be careful how you handle this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): It's my firm belief that he still has very strong feelings for this other woman. No man would ever believe it would be okay for his woman to spend the night at another guys house, girlfriend or no girlfriend. This guy does not feel for you the way you do for him, if he's still harboring these feelings for the old flame. You are not being unreasonable when you tell him you dont feel comfortable with the idea. Best advice I can give you is to tell him how you feel, be completely honest and open, and see how he responds, you will be surprised at how much you find out.Best of luckPS: DROP HIM
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