A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together a year now.i am his first serious relationship and sexual partner, however i have had a handful of serious relationships before him.we have a great relationship except for his problem dealing with my past.it is not always an issue, we can go for weeks without it being mentioned, but then we'll argue for days, with my past being the underlying problem.he knows that this is tearing us apart and he is trying so hard to deal with it.we talk a lot and are open which is good, but he has a very unique way of thinking, he over analyses everything and in his head it is just a big competition to him and he wants to be number 1 but he doesnt feel number 1 because i have had past boyfriends and sexual partners.he is obsessed with making everything about "us" and everything "special" if we go somewhere and its the first time either of us has been there he will be so happy because we're sharing that moment together, thats why he finds it so hard to come to terms with the fact that he wasnt the first guy i had sex with.we want to make this work and he knows he needs to change his ways of thinking and get over my past but we dont know how to do this!i tell him that life is short and we should be happy together and he thinks like that for a day or so but then i can see hes hurting again.do you think he will ever get past this? does anyone have any suggestions or ways to get over this? i reassure him every day that he is the one for me and how amazing he is and that no one compares.please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Oh and if I didn't say it, you can't change his way of thinking anymore than you could change your thinking. Would you suddenly care about a boyfriend's past like this because they told you that you should..? No because it isn't who you are. Thinking he should change is making him more insecure like he should be like someone else (perhaps an ex of yours). This is how he feels about things. You can make people feel better about things that can make them upset or understand where they are coming from, but can't change their outlook. Short of therapy I suppose.
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (26 October 2010):
So this is crazy to me because your boyfriend sounds exactly like me! I worry about past relationships way too much. I feel like I have to be the best at everything, best girlfriend he has ever had and the best at sex. I won't go anywhere my boyfriend has gone with another girl because then it isn't special, he experienced it with someone else already. I don't like watching shows he watched with other people. Whenever he mentions that he went somewhere in the past I immediately ask "with who?" Fortunately he understands all this and knows exactly what I'll ask before he even mentions something. Now the way he has handled me (which no other guy has been able to) is to completely downplay every girl he ever met. From the beginning he told me I was the only one he ever cared this much about, that the amount of effort he put into any other relationship is actually laughable. Which is true since this was said before knowing anything about me. So instantly I was okay with the ex situation, never have been before. After we had sex, sometime later we discussed how terrible his ex was- boring, not attractive enough, etc.. and how infrequently they did it because of this. And how no one he has had sex with in the past ever stood out, or anyone he ever dated really stood out. It's all pretty much reassurance. But is also backed up with proof, which is how I am able to handle it. Any time I think about one of his ex's, I know he didn't care half as much for her as he does for me and I can reassure myself and feel fine without ever having to bring it up. I do still ask who he went with when he mentions places from his past, and whether it is true or not he is smart enough to know not to tell me "Oh I went with this chick I dated". Or if he did slip up and tell me he did something we are doing with someone else and sees I am upset he instantly says everything that was wrong with that situation with the other person and how it is so much better with me. I realize that it is a LOT of effort. And truthfully it has never been a problem with my boyfriend and I, never a fight about it at all, I really think that it is more because he hasn't had anything too serious before me and therefore I know he cares the most about me and don't worry too much about it. With other boyfriend's I dated... They told me about ex's from the beginning, how much they cared about them, how their heart was broken and how they proposed to them etc... Then later when we ended up serious I was constantly asking about their ex's, why they loved them so much, etc. Only they couldn't deny it and I was never able to be reassured because I was told from the beginning. It destroyed every relationship I've had. It was constant insecurity and always worrying. You and your boyfriend may be beyond repair and he may need to find someone as I have, who hasn't had anything too serious who he can feel secure with. I'm sorry to say this won't get better for you. Even in his good times he will go back to feeling inadequate or insecure about your ex's, it doesn't ever leave. And you can't change your past. You should find someone more easy going and he should find someone who is a virgin or hasn't ever been in love before. Both of you will be much happier. Or if you are able to do some damage control and break down each reason why he is so much better and why other boyfriends don't compare, what is different about him, etc. Assuming you haven't ever talked up your ex's in the past. This actually is a big part of a relationship. Since I am the way he is, I look out for people I date to not have a romantic past basically. It's one of the reasons my boyfriend and I are great together and it is strange for other people to think it is such a big deal but it really is. Anyhow you can try and reassure him for the last time, a really good reassurance and don't mention anything done with ex's. If he asks for details downplay it or say it was terrible. I doubt it will help at this point, I'm sure if y'all talk as much as we do then he already pretty much knows everything and can't take it back now. so if you are unable to completely reassure him, just move on and each find someone more suitable. I'm sure he likes to hope he can get past this but he won't. I sure used to wish I could. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 With respect here I wouldn't take what Almasdp says to too seriously, that is a misconception of a type of conditional marketing aimed at young people.
There is nothing wrong with what he does in fact the only underlying problem I see is that you are both arguing over your virginity and might I say your issue with your past previous "serious" relationships. These past relationships are being compared with him by you but you must understand that he has not or was not involved with those and should be treated with a clean slate. Even if he wants a serious relationship it's something you have to come to terms with and if you want that in this relationship or not. You know what to do if you don't.
About the virginity thing that I something he will have to overcome and you can do this by assuring him that you are with him and that is what is important now and he should really let it go. Then let him now "let's enjoy ourselves and our time together" then agree to move on and have fun.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Am afraid there is not a lot you can do here to help him, he needs to understand that most people have a past. He cant spend his life thinking about your other boyfriends he needs to look to the future and tell himself that he is the only man for you now.
He is obviously a very insecure person and only he can sort this out. If it is really bad then maybe he should go to therapy but if not then things that make him feel good should help reassurance like you are doing at the minute is good but he also needs to work on his own self confidence and feel good about himself before he starts believing you.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (26 October 2010):
He's suffering from retrograde jealousy. He has to come to terms with the fact that you have a past, while he doesn't, and that's OK because life isn't fair most of the time. He could probably benefit from professional counseling in this area.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): It isn't easy, but as a guy, you almost just have to tell him, that everyone has a past. Unless that past entails cheating, sleeping with hundreds of people, etc...(major things), then it should be left in the past. If he can't accept that of you, then he needs to know that he will lose you. I can relate with over analyzing, as I think all guys do in a way, but from the sounds of it, you were honest with him, and want this to work, but if he is going to punish you for something that happened before you ever knew he existed on this earth, then its not worth it. Its not your fault he didn't sleep with anyone before you to be honest. Its a part of a serious relationship to talk about some parts of your past, but you owe him nothing, and were honest, and now getting punished for it, while you should be thinking of you two, and your future.
Hope this helps
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