A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't cook and my boyfriend hates it. He said he will eventually leave me because I am not good at cooking and housework. He said no one will want me. His ex cooks very well, but then he has issues with her character or looks. I feel so tired and hurt. He is verbally very abusive but because I don't cook and he sometimes does I think no one will want me so I still stay with him. But it hurts so much. I have tried to endure it but I think I am losing my mind. I don't think I want anything now. What should I do?
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I dont condone the fact that your boyfriend is verbally abusive - that is not on in any relationship and he sounds like a nasty piece of work. No one should abuse their partner for any reason.
However, I do wonder about why he might be doing this. Why dont you cook? Is it because you cant? Or is it because you cant be bothered? Because that has a very big impact on why he might be doing this. If it is pure laziness on your part, then in some ways he probably feels put upon.
I know if it was on the other foot and a woman was complaining that she always had to do all the cooking because her boyfriend wouldnt lift a finger that people would be very sympathetic with her and calling him all the names under the sun.
Do you let him do all the cooking for you, without offering to lend a hand, just expecting dinner or lunch to be provided for you and assuming that because you hate it he will do it? This would wear thin for any person, and he might just be pissed off and frustrated with you.
Do you both work full time? Im sure when you get home you just want to slob out, whilst he has to prepare a meal.
Does he actually say "no one will want you" or is that just what you are thinking about yourself, because in your question you say both. So is it him or you?
Cooking is a life skill and if you ever have children you WILL need to know at least the basics. Yes cooking might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it is important. You HAVE to be able to provide for yourself. What would you do if your boyfriend didnt cook? Live on ready meals and take away? What if your next boyfriend/partner/husband cant cook either (far more likely) or even worse, point blank refuses to cook like you do?
It really isnt difficult. It just takes some effort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdvice, I mean.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much, I really appreciate your advise:)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Just laugh in his face. That's total bullshit. If my desirability as a partner should have depended upon my cooking , I should have
been single all my life .
Don't waste time feeling hurt about something so silly.
Try instead to understand why are you so keen on a guy that thinks the most valuable things in his woman are her cleaning and cooking skills ! He sounds like a very close minded, limited individual,- do you really find him interesting ?
Btw, though : I don't cook because I don't like it and I prefer to budget my time for other stuff. But it's not that I can't,if I need to. Everybody can cook, - at least simple things, not at chef level. It's just something that you learn, like anything else in life, and it's not that hard, at least the basics.
So- get yourself a nice recipe book, and start experimenting. But : do it for yourself, not for that ( insert expletive ) of boyfriend !
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Do you "not cook" as a matter of principle or just because you haven't practiced much and you're not great at it. The first is a little odd. The second is easily solved. Anyone with functioning taste buds and a full compliment of limbs can cook.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (17 January 2011):
Don't allow him to put you down like this hun because it will do your confidence no good at all!
If you are soooo useless, why is he still with you? Cooking isn't the be all and end all of a good relationship. Its like ironing, most men I know can't iron, but I wouldn't say, oh youre no good and never going to get a woman because of it.
I seriously think he has the issue, not you, and the sooner you stand up to him about it the better you will feel. Next time he makes a hurtful comment like that, just remind him that no one is perfect... including him!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): My girlfriend is an absolutely useless cook and I'm happily with her and intend to keep it perm. I'm an okay cook but we get by fine. As far as cleaning goes its just a shared job that you get used to.. shouldn't be one person.
If he is verbally abusive, threatens to leave you and tried to make you feel low about yourself, you should get out fast. You can do much better than him trust me.
:) Good luck with everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): What he said was a load of crap and you know well it's not about cooking that's just a focal point for his abuse.
Of course people will want you, cooking is not a prerequisite to a good relationship. I'm a guy and I love to cook, so I cook most of the meals for me and my girl. If he's so worried about cooking then the fool should do it himself.
One question though, how come you don't cook? It's not necessary really, but it's a lot of fun. What do you do for meals if neither of you cook? I honestly don't get why people don't cook, I would get very depressed if I had to live off takeaways and pre-made frozen meals.
I say screw your boyfriend he's not a good person and he doesn't make you happy, so ditch the fool and move on.
I would definitely recommend learning to cook for yourself though. Cooking isn't an art, it's a craft everyone can learn how to cook. Just get a few recipe books, buy the ingredients and experiment. The first few times you cook a certain meal you'll probably get it wrong but after a while when you get used to it you'll be able to cook things with fresh ingredients and to your taste. Food made from scratch tastes better, is healthier, cheaper and there is a sense of pride in eating something you created instead of just bunged in the microwave or bought from a take away.
Again though, cooking is not an important aspect of a relationship for most people, but it does add a skill to your repertoire. Being able to cook delicious, low fat, guilt free meals from scratch is a great skill to have. But you should by no means do it just to please that prick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): What is he looking for - perfection in all areas? So you can't cook, so what. Don't be put down by him. He has to love you for you. OK you are no great shakes in the kitchen, that's nothing unusual. I had zero experience in cooking when I met my partner, and even now he is a better cook than me! But the problem is a bit deeper I think. He is expecting you to measure up to some ideal. No one ticks all the boxes. I would urge you to think about whether you want to be with someone so shallow. Or enrol in a cookery course.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 He is wrong. You think just because you cannot cook or you are not especially good at other housework, nobody will ever want you? You are so very wrong. There is so much more to a relationship and you as a person than what you can do at home. You have to leave him and try to find someone else. Believe me, you will find someone quite easily and he will not care if you cannot cook, he will find the beauty that makes a house a home within you. You, being there, just trying to make him happy is more than enough. This is something your current boyfriend simply cannot see, simply put, he is ignorant and you do not need that. The hateful words that drip from his forked tongue are meaningless, they hold no value to you anymore and you are free to leave him. It may seem frightening but it is liberating. You are so much more than he lets you believe.
I hope that helps.
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