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writes: I was raped nearly 3 years ago by a disgusting guy at a friends party. I didnt know who he was and still dont. What he did to me was awful but it had a hidden blessing. It created a beautiful baby girl who i love to bits. I decided to keep the baby and it was the right thing for me to do so please dont judge me. Anyway, i was filling in enrollment forms for Jess' preschool and it asked for fathers name and details. I dont know the guy who raped me and i dont know whether to just put my boyfriends name down, leave it blank or explain the situation with the staff there. Jess has never asked about her father and i know it will come up soon when she starts school so could i have advice on what to tell her as well as what to put on the forms please. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Firstly just to say I am so glad for you that you have such a lovely daughter from this experience, and all credit to you that you went ahead with the pregnancy. Very brave of you, but ultimately a loving act, and that is why you now get so much love back, I think.
I think that it is fine and good to put your boyfriend down as step father, and as you say he is a legal figure in her life, as her godfather. It depends how your relationship is, but I think that if she could just kind of think of him as her father, that would be best.
Have to say that I would never ever tell her how she really came into the world. Never. I would completely protect her from that - FOREVER. I would honestly tell her that your boyfriend is her dad.
I know that is not 'the truth', but effectively there was a void where her father should be, and your boyfriend is filling that. You just can't tell her what really happened. It is too awful. It would undermine her whole life. Well, that's what I think. Let everything just be nice and OK now. What will be gained from telling her? Nothing - only sadness, anger, fear and guilt.
So: you create your life. Create this one between the three of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm just filling in the forms now. I asked my boyfriend yesterday if i could put him on the form and he agreed. Im putting him as stepdad because eventhough we have only been together for about a year he is Jess' godfather so has been around as a father figure since she was born. When i drop the forms back into the preschool im having a meeting with the teacher to tell her about the situation so that she can help in any questions that get asked. Jess really is the light of my life and has helped me get over what happened. She really is a wonderful little girl. Thanks for the help :)
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female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (7 November 2011):
 Leave it blank.
Discuss your situation with a teacher that you trust so that you will mitigate the likelihood that the teachers ask nosy questions (you'd be amazed what some people ask children).
Your story warmed my heart; I wish you and your daughter well!
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (6 November 2011):
 I would just write "absent" or not applicable. it's not like she's going to find out through the paperwork that you wrote that, she'll be curious just be virtue of the other kids. You tell her when you're ready, although I wouldn't make it older than 10.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): I don't think you have to put any information down for her father. That information might just be used for emergency contacts, and I'm sure other moms have that line blank, too. If anything, if people know that you kept your baby even after you were raped, they would admire your courage and willingness to love. I think what you did was great -- and if you remember that, people who are the type to judge you for not being married or whatever won't bother you at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): I wouldn't put the boyfriend's name unless you two are engaged or married. God forbid you break up and have his name permenantly on school records.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): I am very sorry for what you had to go through and I hope your daughter brings much joy into your life.
On the forms you could cross out father and write "step father" and give you partners details as the preschool staff really do not need to know your private life and the last thin you want is to become talked about by them, if I were in your position that is what I would do. I would ask your bf if he doesn't mind but if he has become a father figure to your little girl then I am sure he'd have no problems.
When she starts school I would discuss it with the headteacher because they will be great in supporting you in the future when she asks questions about who her dad is. You also know that it is said in confidence and the headteacher would only tell her teacher if you asked them to.
If she asks soon about her father you could just say that he went away and that she has you and your partner and that you are the ones who love her and will always look after her. Again as she gets older questions may be harder but I feel with the help of staff in the school she will attend they could help you.
I hope that whoever hurt you was sent away for a long time and that now you are having an amazing time with your little girl x
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female
reader, spanishquerida +, writes (6 November 2011):
I would personally discuss it with the school before you write anybody's name down, but if you explain the circumstances to them and suggest writing down your boyfriend's name, I'm sure they won't have a problem with it. Just make sure you talk to them first!
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