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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been reading various questions and answers recently and have a question of my own to ask you all:About 5 years ago I discovered husband had been watching porn, I came across this quite innocently while looking through our music library online, on husbands computer which we both shared at that time. I had such a sinking feeling and all the usual ones of humiliation, not feeling good enough for him, very low self esteem, all this resulted in severe clinical depression. Off course when initially confronted he denied until blue in the face. I then went online and found all google history etc, printed out all files as proof, this is when he admitted it. We had a very good sex life at the time, I had noticed that he was on computer a lot, although he would come in the house and say he did'nt get much of his work done! I use to be amazed as he had been in his office usually 6 hours or more. Anyway he promised never to do it again as he could see it had made me very very ill. 6 months later I moved into rented house on my own but became so lonely and even more depressed that we got back together again. 4 years later I am recovered physically, not mentally though. He has gone back to watching it again and again and after each time being caught, says never again etc etc. Then about 10 months ago I went on a holiday with a friend for a week (husband had said he did'nt want to go. This is when he again went and watched it again while I was away, when I returned a few noights later he kept getting message alerts on his mobile phone, I then looked at log and found he had been on 2 porn sites and the alerts were from BABES website or something. The reason he watched it this time " we were not getting on very well" I said " I see, so your promise of never watching porn again was just for when our relationship was all sweet and happiness? He did not know what to say.2nd April this year I went to town for the day, he was meeting me later after doing his office work, we met for dinner etc. Next day I checked his computer for deleted files via windelete, he had watched films and had typed in google search "adult movie"I confronted again, ( told him I had a gut feeling he had been watching porn) I did this after he had had a couple of beers, he said" I did not watch porn, I did bloody not watch porn, he has totally denied it. I tried to show him on his computer but cannot find it again, for this reason he swears, its a mistake I have made, he has not watched any.I have threatened divorce quite a lot, infact yesterday I said I had had enough, I am sick of living my life worrying what he is doing, sick of the disappointment inside every time I find he has watched it again. He said you will lose the house, etc also said I promise I wont watch it again, last time was when you were on holiday, he said he realised porn was seedy. had a wife he loved and just wanted me.I have told him that I cannot let my guard down and I protect myself from getting hurt by not allowing myself to trust him. I have to say a lot of the time I feel myself hating him. Every time I have trusted him, he has failed me. I have been so sucked in by what he says that I get angry with myself.So I have a couple of questions, if you would like to give an answer:Do men ever stop watching porn once they have tasted it?Are there many men who chose not to watch it, whether in a relationship or not?Do you think my husband will go back to watching it again?It seems that every time I have just started to trust again, he does it again. I recently heard him telling my brother in law, that I had a gut feeling he had been watching porn. He also said he wont watch it again Bro in law said, he will go back to it , you mark my words.What do you think?thanks for answers
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I think men watch porn, to be able to LEARN!They wan't to make you HAPPIER in love making and show off new skills.They wan't to make them feel totally successful in making the woman happy!It's a bonus!and an ego thing!Great!
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reader, stephekm +, writes (27 July 2011):
I used to hate my husband watching porn, I used to get so jealous and felt inadequate.But since I have been single,(the break up was not down to porn by the way,he was just such a lazy man!!!)The point is that, being with other men has made me realize, that's the way most men are, and it just doesn't bother me one bit.Men need to look at porn, they want to relieve themselves on their own and sometimes without a partner.Otherwise they will get bored or you will get bored very quickly having sex all the time.It won't be special.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): Women can't handle their man looking at other women (which is all that porn really is, just images of random other women) in a similar way to men being unable to handle their woman's past sex life.
These things are not rational. They are emotional problems caused by the genetic programming of the two genders. These things cannot be fixed, only coped with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): Are you threatening divorce because you think porn is vulgar??? Men watch porn and women should understand that.It's the way they are, another hobby!! You try and control them and you will loose them anyway.What are your hobbies?? Does he stop you?? Let a person be who they are and if you don't like it , LEAVE. Compromising on something that they become deprived of starts numerous other problems.It's o.k to compromise on who will do the next shop or clean, but not about someones person.They will become unhappy and so will you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Don't be silly, most men watch porn.I would be worried if they didn't.Men sow their seed, it's part of their make up and the fact that he is having great sex with you means that he is not having it elsewhere.Just because he watches porn, doesn't mean
that he doesn't think it's great with you, it means it's so great that he needs to watch more.He probably has a very high sex drive and just loves sex, like 99% of men. Don't worry about it because you will drive him away and you will end up with another bloke that does exactly the same
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reader, Mitchell1978  +, writes (22 July 2011):
If you only want a guy who doesn't wathc porn or doesn't like you will be looking for a very long time because i doubt you will find many!
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reader, smiliek  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 ah sorry your latest followup was not there when i posted. Cheating is entirely another story. I wouldn't accept that either. I wish you luck
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reader, smiliek +, writes (27 April 2011):
I agree with dirtball, a marriage needs compromise. Op, i guess to you any porn use at all is unacceptable? So what will you offer your hubby if he agrees and actually does stop looking at it completely? My hubby and i went through the porn issue back when we were dating. I brought up what 'person' said, that if it wasn't a big deal to him he should be able to just stop. (i had posted a question on this site at the time) You know what my hubby said? That he could stop if he wanted, but if he did because i told him too it would be me controlling him. I understood that and told him i wouldn't tell him or ask him to stop. He went over for over a month without looking at porn or doing stuff himself and you know what, our sex life and the way he treated me didn't change. He went from looking at porn once a wk and us doing stuff every day to not looking and us still doing stuff every day. The quality was the same, nothing changed. If anything he wanted me to get him off with hjs or bjs a few times more. After i realised that his porn use had absolutely no reflection on our relationship we had a talk about it. He explained why he does it himself once a wk or fortnight (stress release) I explained why i felt threatened about it. Most of my reasons stemmed from reading posts on here with women getting turned down for sex due to excessive porn use etc etc. We made a compromise. Basically that he'd never do it when i'm home, we'd always do stuff together on a day when he'd done it himself (so i never felt like he was choosing porn instead of or over of) that he wouldn't do it if he'd see me within half an hour and that he'd never do it more then we do stuff together. Two years later, he still only does it once a week or fortnight. Our compromise was made more for me then anything. He's never done any of the stuff i was worried about and i doubt he ever will. I married him knowing full well that he will sometimes use porn and i'm accepting of that. I even use it myself sometimes and every so often we watch it together. Not every guy who uses porn is addicted and not every guy will continue to do it if it hurts his partner that much. I asked hubby what would happen if i did ever tell him it was porn or me. He tole me that he'd always choose me but if i did that it would be to control him as nothing he does is to hurt me (long answer shortened) I think compromise is better then divorce any day. But your views on porn are far worse then mine ever were. Your hubby shouldn't need to be controlled by you forcing a decision on him. His views aren't the same as yours. I hope there's a compromise you guys can reach but if not, you may have to find someone who has the same views as you
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reader, dirtball  +, writes (27 April 2011):
 So, what are we learning here? A successful marriage needs respect, compromise, fidelity, honesty, and similar views on core issues (i.e. dealbreakers).
Porn is the trigger, not the problem. We can debate porn all day, but the true problem is their incompatable views surrounding porn, and a lack of respect and willingness to compromise. At least from where I sit. Without that respect and compromise, the relationship cannot survive. That's not saying you need to accept his porn use OP, but since you feel so strongly here, I think it's time to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011):thanks,Yes I panic all the time how I look! when having sex, ridiculous as it may sound! also always worried about my age and how I look, those lines etc, sheer panic at times. I too used to be very happy with myself, confidence in abundance, I am a shadow of my former self according to my sister. I have suggested counciling but he does not see it as his problem so wont do it.This is really his last chance, I will not allow myself to be hurt or deceived anymore.Thing is before I allowed him to get away with it, was told how paranoid, mad and rediculous I was being by my husband, he swore til blue in the face he had not watched any porn, I had to print out evidence! he also swore til he was blue in the face that condoms in his pocket were for us (years ago) we never needed to use them, he swore girls name and number on scrap of paper in his pocket was his friends sisters, he apparently asked her for her brothers telephone number, I actually called her on that number and she said her and my husband were going out for a drink! He denied this by saying the 4 of us were going out for a drink! well I am sure that was untrue, he would have mentioned it to me before I had a chance to find note and call her. Same girl he took to Ireland on back of his motorbike, said her brother was not a good rider and he had asked my husband to ride with her on his bike. That was years ago!More recent, he came home 5am very very drunk, fell asleep in garden before coming in, when I got up in the morning I found a womans black mesh hook and eye fronted top in his coat pocket! his excuse? he found it on the bar of a night club and brought it home in case I wanted it! why would I want some girls top? I have plenty of clothes. That night he was out with my brother in law, he will lie for him as he is pretty untrustworthy too. Me and my sister caught him when drunk chatting a woman up and sitting at a table with her.Could I really be that wrong/paranoid 100% of the time? I do'nt think so but of course I have no proof.I have installed a computer monitor so I will see what happens. I am not prepared to waste anymore of my life with a liar / cheater
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I know exactly what your going through and I am 36 with 2 young children. First 8 years of our marriage this constantly went on and on, same as you are saying. I was very depressed. Dealing with it alot better these days, but some days its still hard. We still together and he doesnt do it anymore, so far as I know, he knows whats at stake. I still feel very unattractive to him and have many self confidence issues I never had before all of this.
So many men think this is all ok, they are being selfish and have no idea what affect it has on their partners. I agree with you marriage is pointless if this behaviour goes on. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do. We did counselling which he agreed to. Good luck.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (26 April 2011):
 The men I talked to who had better sex lives weren't addicts, they were typical in their usage. All in relationships or married. I've rarely spoken with addicts, I read through interviews and studies other people did as well as books and just anecdotes from other websites. My point was that if even addicts can regain their sexual function in 2 weeks, it wouldn't be that big a deal to stop if you weren't addicted. Of course if it was a struggle, that means porn use was way more "habitual" and addictive than the user thought. My response was from a bunch of different things, not just one small source. I don't just go googling around before I respond, I've put a lot of time into researching this.The men who stopped using and had better sex lives (who definitely weren't addicted) reported feeling more satisfied with their sex lives overall, felt more attracted to their partner, felt closer to their partners, and felt more rewarded overall. The amount of sex also increased, presumably because their partner picked up on the change. The women I've talked to who had partners stop using porn said they noticed an enormous difference in their partner's sexual behavior, the top things were that he became more attentive in bed, seemed more mentally "there" during sex, and she just generally described him acting more caring and affectionate and appreciative both during sex and in life. Better and more sex and everyone's happier with the sex that's happening. Seems like a win-win to me.This is all supported by possibly the most famous porn study done that showed that when shown porn over an extended period people became less satisfied with their partners during sex, the frequency of sex, the appearance of their partners, and sexual curiosity. The study was repeated three times on a large scale over the next decade with the same results.For cheating, porn users are probably more likely to crave more porn than more sex. A major problem of heavy porn use is impotency, porn use is far more likely to make you want less sex than to want more of it.I know I shouldn't comment on these things, but they're extremely troubling to me."I couldn't give a crap about the woman in it,"You also said once:"you have to understand the women in those pictures are objects not women"I actually wrote it down since it was so troubling. Is this what porn does to a person's perception of women?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): "As you said making your own porn with your girlfriend gets boring, so too does online porn, does'nt it?" Yeah but there's enough variety in the categories I like to keep it fresh. I never look at the same video or picture that much at all, twice at the most.
"do you go back to watching the same old things? or are you seeking out more extreme?"
No on both questions, have I looked up more extreme stuff, yes out of curiosity. But I know my niche, I know what does the trick and have no real need to go onto extreme stuff because it doesn't do anything for me.
"How can you get bored of sex with a loved one?" I'm not bored with sex with my girlfriend. Do I get bored of watching the same video of us having sex over and over again, yes. You can get bored of sex with a loved one in lots of ways, if they stop making the effort, if you only ever do one position, if they become selfish in bed etc. Thankfully I have no problem with that in my sex life. But watching the same video of us together does get old, I mean I can picture it completely in my mind anyway so there's no need to watch it. Just like a healthy sex life you have constantly keep it fresh and change things, try new things, positions etc, the same applies to self-made porn.
"I married, I was faithful, mentally and physically, he is not mentally and I have certain fears and suspicions physically, call it intuition, gut feeling. Over the years the odd thing cropping up but husband always seems to have a reason or get out claus for happenings."
You should always trust your gut and if he wasn't willing to work his hardest to alleviate those concerns, or actively try and find a way past it with you, then he was at fault. Whatever his reasons or get out clauses they're things he shouldn't have been allowed by you to have. This guy got far too many free passes OP. One chance is all people should get not to repeat a mistake, you gave him millions of chances and he abused that trust over and over again. The guy really isn't worthy of your love. Because when a person stops trying to earn your love or if they do something to hurt you over and over again, then you may aswell just smack your head against a wall.
"What happened to love, making love, seems to be a thing of the past, it has been for me since my discovery." Masturbation isn't love making either is it? Yet most of us do it regularly, does that mean we're having sex without making love? Do you even consider masturbation a sexual act? (I know the dictionary definition) I don't, only sometimes I consider it a sexual act and then the only thing that works is thinking of my girlfriend. That's when I want sex with her but can't have it for whatever reason. I don't want sex with another woman, I don't feel that way about other women at all. That's why I can use porn guilt free because I couldn't give a crap about the woman in it, the act she is engaged in stimulates me quickly by pressing the visual buttons in my head and within 30 seconds to a minute I'm done. Turn off the video or picture and never look at it again, nor ever for one second think of the woman in it ever again.
The guys person12345 talks about are addicts, they're the guys who transpose themselves into the porn and imagine that it is them having sex with that woman. Of course their lives are better once they stop, they have a harmful addiction to it.
"I wonder if the 2 things go together porn does it then lead to being physically unfaithful?"
You'll hear a lot of different things and perspectives and arguments about that. I'm sure person12345 can enlighten you on the negative aspects of that. But from the guys I know it can actually prevent physical cheating especially if their loved one has gone completely off sex for whatever reason. A couple of friends of mine recently had a baby, and she hasn't wanted sex in about 4 months and still doesn't. He understands why and he's perfectly willing to be patient, but it's driving him absolutely mad, he still gets to sleep in the bed with her but even the slightest touch from him and she pulls away. So he's turned to porn to alleviate that frustration and it was her idea to do that. She;s actually told him to stop pestering her about it too that she'll let him know when she's ready but he will have to settle for porn until that time.
It's funny actually because the players I know and the guys who cheat regularly actually don't use porn at all. They just real women for their wanks. They don't use it because there's no need, they have women clambering to be with them. Why use porn when you can use a real woman? Especially when it takes just as much energy to find one willing to be used. Not how I could live but it works for them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut Cerberus,
as I have seen with both my own eyes and statistics, with porn use the person watching is constantly searching for more, better, different, extreme etc. It seems to start of as low usage on fairly innocent sites, then you become used to it, want more of a thrill, seek out different material and unless you are careful it can become pretty sick and dangerous.
As you said making your own porn with your girlfriend gets boring, so too does online porn, does'nt it? do you go back to watching the same old things? or are you seeking out more extreme?
How can you get bored of sex with a loved one? I never have, there is always something different to do, which usually ends in same outcome.
What happened to love, making love, seems to be a thing of the past, it has been for me since my discovery.
I married, I was faithful, mentally and physically, he is not mentally and I have certain fears and suspicions physically, call it intuition, gut feeling. Over the years the odd thing cropping up but husband always seems to have a reason or get out claus for happenings.
I wonder if the 2 things go together porn does it then lead to being physically unfaithful? It would be interesting to know the percentage of that
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reader, person12345 +, writes (26 April 2011):
A fresh perspective doesn't help most of the time with this issue. Most of the women bothered by this do understand the reason for its use and it doesn't make it better. Most people who come here either don't update or just keep posting that it hurts. Usually what's offered here isn't a fresh perspective at all, it's some variation of "he's right, you're wrong or crazy or insecure, get over it it's a guy thing. If you have a problem with it dump him and be alone and miserable." Followed by some form of trashing of women who have a problem with it, and a long list of explanations of why she should get over it (but never an explanation of how) and he shouldn't have to change a thing.
As for how difficult it would be after stopping porn? Well speaking with people who are actually addicted and people who developed a serious problem, it's about an average of two weeks before things return to normal sexually once they really completely stop cold turkey. Then things are pretty much as they were. The first week or so would probably be rough, but for that week or two I'm sure for stopping his girlfriend would be more than happy to help out. It is possible to go a week or without masturbating and just having sex. If it's not possible to function normally without porn and is that difficult to stop that you can't without extreme difficulty, then that's pretty much the definition of addicted. How is that not a huge problem if porn is that big a part of someone's life that they can't function without it? I have never talked to or heard from a man who, after stopping didn't see an improvement in his sex life. Even many studies that didn't show much other negative effect from porn use found that men who regularly used porn struggled with intimacy especially during sex. For instance many porn users say images of what they'd seen in porn will randomly pop into their heads during sex even when they don't want them to.
The vibrator porn comparison is extremely tired and has been done to death but since that seems to be what's bugging you in your relationship I'll go over it again. I'd understand feeling threatened by one of those huge dildo things with all the bells and whistles. That I could see the comparison for and if a woman continued to use one of those while being upset about his porn watching, she'd be a hypocrite. I know a lot of men are insecure about how good they are in bed and penis size so if he was upset by it, it would be insensitive of her to keep using that to pleasure herself. They're not quite the same, but they're similar. However, there are worlds of difference between that and a little external thing. Many (I might even say most) women either physically can't orgasm without a vibrator, or it's nearly physically impossible. A small external vibrator is far more like lube is to a man. A dildo, maybe threatening, she should stop if it bothers him. A small vibrator, would be denying her an orgasm. If you wanted to insist that a woman stop with the little tiny vibrators (the non-insertable non-threatening kind) then it would only be fair to throw away your lube since those are far more similar than porn. There is no mental aspect to a vibrator or lube, but there's a huge mental aspect to porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): It's not as simple as just stopping it person12345, especially for the reason you state. If the woman is not willing to compromise on the issue then why should the man completely cede to her demands? Why should the man drop everything to appease the woman's insecurity, is that what the guy has to do in every case of the woman's insecurity even if it makes life more difficult for him?
The woman's feelings are more important in that case?
In OP's case her husband said he would and he lied about it over and over. So she should definitely divorce him and find a guy that will stop, despite all your stats and how popular porn is, she will find a guy that doesn't watch it or will give it up.
You see to me it's like asking me to mow the lawn with a scissors because you hate the sound the lawn mower makes. Mowing the lawn isn't a big deal but it becomes a big deal once you make it a laborious chore. Take the quick and easy out of masturbation and you make it a chore. You limit the opportunities I have to masturbate and you severely restrict my ability to just pop one out. You really think it would be that easy to stop 18 years of porn use as a tool for emotionless, efficient, quick and easy release? 18 years to suddenly be told that the thing I don't see in the way you do I have to stop because you're the one making it out to be something I don't think it is? Where's the compromise there? That's not compromise and it's a complete failure to even take my feelings on the matter into consideration. It's like asking a woman to stop using a vibrator after 18 years of using it, knowing exactly how to use it for quick and easy release. Using a vibrator is not a big deal to that woman but asking her to go back to using only her fingers, completely changes how and when she can masturbate. She will no longer have that stimulation to make it quick and easy, she'll have to go back to full preparation and make every masturbation a long, laborious task.
It always comes back to that. Woman - "If it's not a big deal then you will stop" Man - "If it's not a big deal then why should I stop?" That is the essence of the problem and the ideal is a compromise in that situation. But you never promote compromise you always promote the guy giving in and the woman's viewpoint as being the correct one.
That's a level of control over my body that I'm just not willing to cede to anyone. It's my cock and I get first dibs on it's usage, the only other person that gets to use it is my girlfriend but I retain full ownership of it and when I'm alone I can do what I want with it, when I want and as long as it never effects my ability to sexually satisfy my girlfriend then there's no issue.
If porn became a big issue for my girlfriend then I'd definitely reconsider how I feel about it. But knowing my girlfriend it's not something she would demand without giving me incentive or compromise. She would have an alternative or she would at least make a concerted effort to change how she feels about it. There has to be a balance or at least an incentive.
"Emotions are near impossible to change." No they're not. You've been here long enough to know that emotions can be changed with fresh perspective and an open mind. I've seen many of your answers here that have completely alleviated a posters fears and changed their emotions on many different topics. All you did was give that poster a new way of viewing their issue and their emotions on the subject completely changed. Go to your followups tab and have a look. If we couldn't change our emotions and if we couldn't help people change theirs then this website would have been a complete failure from the outset and no one that came here for advice would have ever gotten help.
Porn is not men vs. women and if it's not something both parties are willing to compromise over then it's an issue that's unlikely to go away.
I've made porn with my girlfriend but it gets old, you have to constantly make new pictures and videos because the same pictures just won't have the same effect anymore. It's fun making new ones obviously but again we have to mix it up and the excitement of those pictures goes away if you do it too much. We only make fresh stuff if we won't see each other for extended periods of time. Besides they're only useful for a sexual wank, one I want sexual pleasure from. When all I want is a purely functional, non-sexual release then porn is better because I won't have any emotional attachment to it.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (26 April 2011):
The problem with telling all women who hate porn to dump the guy they're with and find a guy who uses porn is that there are going to be a lot of single people. Around 70% of men use it occasionally, and between 55-60% of women hate the idea of porn in a relationship. And since couples are going to be distributed randomly having very little to do with porn watching habits, we can be pretty much sure that's even fewer than around 50% of couples. That's a lot of really bad matches.
Emotions are near impossible to change. It's possible to grit your teeth and deal with it, it's possible to become numb to it, it's possible to find ways to cope. But it's very simple to just stop using porn. It's not that big a deal to just masturbate without porn, but it's a HUGE deal for her to masturbate with it. If you're so addicted to porn that you can't live without something, then make porn with your girlfriend or have some pictures of her. If a guy really cared about his partner, he wouldn't continue to do something that's such a little part of his life while his partner suffered immensely for it.
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reader, Roxsanna +, writes (25 April 2011):
if he is watching porn and he likes it why dont you watch it with him maybe get to the root of why he likes it soo much and you might find you like it... telling a guy not to watch porn is like telling a dog not to have a poo,,, it isnt going to happen soo accept it for what it is and you both could do some of the stuff thats on the video ,,,, at least he's watching porn and not cheating on you.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (25 April 2011):
"If I never trust anyone again I will protect myself from any hurt they may inflict on me"
True, however you will also not be open to the happiness that can come from it either.
When we are hurt, the natural instinct is to shut down and close off. This will protect you, but often prevents you from finding any real happiness as well. It's true that real happiness needs to come from within yourself, but not having people to share that with often leads to dark roads. Just be careful. It's not bad to trust others, but it does suck when they betray that trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): "the internet has created a monster and massive problem for wives, girlfriends, partners and children, that's what I think."
I disagree with that OP, only because it apportions blame to all men. It implies that men are monsters and that it's the internet's fault that some men and women can't agree on porn, and it creates problems. It's the difference in viewpoints and moral standpoints that creates the problem, not porn. I have a very healthy and intensely sexual relationship with my girlfriend and we both use porn. I'm not a monster and neither is my girlfriend. It has no negative effects on our relationship because we have the same opinion about it.
OP don't let your husbands abhorrent behaviour make you so bitter towards all men who use porn, women use it too, men who use it aren't some kind of enemy of women. You fought long and hard to make your relationship work OP, I don't blame you for having such a chip on your shoulder but it's not a good idea to blame porn or all men who use it for the fact that your husband is a douche. Some of the nicest guys you know, some of the most loving guys you've met, guys in great relationships etc. A lot of those guys will have or still do use porn. Porn doesn't make people bad OP but it can make people incompatible if they don't share the same views on it.
You don't want porn to be part of your life and that's fair, so you have to get rid of this guy who is not willing to give it up for you. That's what you have to do and you just make sure the next guy is one who either will give it up or just doesn't use it in the first place.
Porn has never had any bad effects on any of my relationships, it either didn't come up as an issue or the girls I dated had no problem with it. It's like anything in life OP, there are certain things we just need to agree on to make a successful relationship. For me one of those is circumcision I am wholly opposed to it and find it completely wrong on all moral levels, which means I could never have a successful relationship with someone who wanted to circumcise any future sons we may have. So I wouldn't even try. But I'm not going to hate everyone who thinks it's okay to butcher their sons penis, just because I think it's wrong doesn't make those people bad people.
Porn is one of those deal breaker issues for you OP but try not to make it a sexist issue for you, it's not only women and children that suffer negative effects from it, some men do too and there are enough "wives, girlfriends, partners and children" that have never suffered any negative effects from it.
The issue of porn is just not clear cut enough to make it into a men vs. women thing. Where the men are monsters and the women are dainty little victims. It's a no-brainer OP, a guy who uses it and a woman who hates it are not compatible the woman shouldn't stick around trying to make that guy see things her way, just as the guy shouldn't try and make that woman accept his usage. They should go their separate ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI too feel that porn and masturbation are seperate issues, the internet has created a monster and massive problem for wives, girlfriends, partners and children, that's what I think.P.S. Mr Happy, I only spend my own money when I shop, I am not a "kept woman" and as for your comment: Maybe you will get lucky and the next one will just cheat on you.I find that quite a cruel thing for someone to say! For what crime do I deserve to be cheated on, either mentally of physically? I have come to the conclusion that the only person we can truely trust in life is ourselves. I trust myself, my intuition, my heart. If I never trust anyone again I will protect myself from any hurt they may inflict on me, I usually know when it's coming because I have a very good instinct.Thank you for all your answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks person12345,I agree with you on most aspects, happy 140 does not sound very happy and also quite anti woman in my opinion.I have sex very regularly, do not have to be asked, I am ok with husband masturbating, no problem with that, its natural but I do not approve of masturbating to porn especially when I am home and available. I am experimental too
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 April 2011):
Also to respond to the poster below who cited all the incredible differences between men and women, men and women aren't actually wired all the differently. For instance, libido is almost entirely a function of how easily a person can orgasm. If women were guaranteed an easy orgasm every time they had sex, then they would be chomping at the bit to have sex every five minutes as well. As it is, most women have to work their butts off to orgasm. In many relationships where the woman has "mysteriously" stopped having sex, it's because having an orgasm is a special occasion. If that was the case, what's in it for her to keep having sex? If men had to work as hard for "the payoff" as women, their libidos would go through the floor.And as a comment about monogamy, cheating rates have been steadily going up, and are almost even between men and women. And several studies have cited porn as a reason for the rise in cheating for changing people's sense of "normal" in a relationship. If porn prevents cheating and men are the ones who cheat, how do you explain that? Further, if it's men who struggle with marriage and monogamy and women who force it on them, then why are married men on average happier than unmarried men, while married women report being much unhappier and more prone to depression/anxiety problems than unmarried women? Married men also live longer than unmarried men (not single, unmarried, meaning they could be cohabitating or in a relationship) while there is no such connection for women.As well with "Men are From Mars, Women From Venus," that book has been proven to be based on almost nothing but speculation. Entire books overflowing with legitimate studies have been written about how wrong that book is. For instance, a basic premise of that book is that women talk way more than men. But in every legitimate study it was found that in general men talk more than women in general conversations. The reason people think "women talk too much" is because any amount of talking from a woman is considered too much by some people. As well "miscommunications" were shown to be deliberate conscious things, basically stubbornness. For instance the book claims that men understand the question "Could you take out the garbage" as information gathering rather than a request. No one who speaks English would understand that as information gathering anymore than asking someone if they can swim a mile is a request to start swimming. The only reason these would be misunderstandings is if the man in question had some form of autism. If you really believe that men honestly misunderstand things like that, then you (and the book) are in essence claiming being male is a mental disability.Porn and masturbation also aren't the same. It is entirely possible to masturbate without porn. If someone is so desperate that they can't wait a few hours to have sex, there's no reason he can't just masturbate without porn. Porn and masturbation are separate issues.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 April 2011):
After your response I think this changes things. Daily use is really over the top and I can't believe some of the responses here. If it's gotten to the point where he's acting out what he's seen on you, then he needs to get help. You are not his plaything, you are his wife. A partner. Not a masturbation sleeve. I think you should perhaps go to counseling. If he hears you listing why you hate porn in a confrontation, he will probably immediately turn off his brain and turn on his defenses. Whereas if you go to counseling, he may actually be able to listen. I disagree with a lot of the responses that porn use is only a problem if it's affecting sex. Porn use is a problem if it's hurting one of the people in the relationship. Clearly it's doing both here, so you should both seek couples therapy.
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female
reader, saka  +, writes (23 April 2011):
well let me tell you that watching porno being a married man is not a sin.you should be liberal and ask youself why he is watching porno.its just because he want to see new faces everyday all kind of woman doing all kind of nasty things so be careful about divirce its not a play that just because of this you are threatong to divorce and end your life as a miserable.be calm and patient and at least just ask him why is he watching perhaps hie reply will answer to all your question.he is faithful to you let this be a salute to your life.let me tell you my hubby also watches porno i also was very angry but at last when i realise that its just normal i also begin to surf anf look to my desires in front of him and this makes our life goes on smoothly.
dont act just like fool my dear divorce is a curse from god never try to put an end to your life you will be the first one to suffer.you know i never wanted anal sex but hy hubby always wanted it so at last when i surf the net i found the way to enjoy it so we try and we do it to pleasure both of us.so my dear be always positive and concious dont let your life be a boredom.
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reader, happy140 +, writes (23 April 2011):
 So let me get this straight. Instead of looking at porn you would rather he find a mistress and really cheat on you instead of finding an outlet that he considers is not cheating. Then to top that off you think that because he is married he no longer has balls, as I see you definitely would rather he didn’t. Third you have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER about the difference between a man and a woman’s sex drive and what men do to keep it monogamous. Heaven forbid if you found out he masturbates to relives stress you’re your not in the mood. You say you are between 41 and 50 and you would rather have a divorce than be with the porn watching scum he is, what? One, just because he looks at porn doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or desire you any less, he’s just looking at the “menu” as we men like to say, has not eating out (cheating PHYSICALLY). If he is cheating in your eyes then you need to say that and come to terms with it. Sure throw years of marriage away because he looks at porn occasionally. Maybe you will get lucky and the next one will just cheat on you. I am sure if he said he sees your are shopping as a total disregard of family finances and it sickens him, you would tell him to get a life you are not stopping. There is a major difference between woman and men, you think of sex on his birthday and some other holiday while, just because of the way we are wired he thinks of it 30 times a day. The book “Men are from Mars and woman are from Venus,” states woman are gatherers (keep thing around and close) and men are farmers, they want to sow their seeds. Not because we want to discuss our spouses but because we have testororone and that is how we feel. You say he wants to try new things and it sickens you, well he obviously cannot even try to spice things up with you because you want TOTAL SEXUAL CONTROL over him. When, where, how and everything else that goes along with it and he is not allowable another option, it has to match yours. If porn is so repulsive to you then you have to leave, no other way around it, your driving him away anyway may as well hasten things and get it over with. Most woman do not want to know men look at porn and they don’t like porn, yet many have come to understand that their man isn’t thinking of “that woman” he’s wishing HIS woman would open up more. If that’s (porn) a marriage ender so be it, stop he may but YOU will be resented as a prude until he dies.Do men ever stop watching porn once they have tasted it? Yes and NoAre there many men who chose not to watch it, whether in a relationship or not? Yes there are some, I have never taken a poll but not one of my male friends said no at the bachelor party.Do you think my husband will go back to watching it again? No/Yes Once he reaches the point of total resentment and your lack of experimentation YES YES YESIt seems that every time I have just started to trust again, he does it again.Yes this was harsh but you need the deep down truth!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS, as I said he started acting things out, copying things he had watched, his "acting out" repulses me and makes me feel really sick inside, I just think "my god what is he doing now the sicko" feel like I am in a lab being experimented on.Also, sex is just "sex" now, not making love, big difference to me, I want to make love but I am now thinking of my future not neccesarily with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell dear men, thanks for your input!I have to say I am there for him as much as he needs and wants, sex is from2-6 times a week, I have actually done sexy stripteases for him etc! I have found that while I am sleeping he has gone to his office and watched porn usually a.m. even on my birthday! He says he loves me, its nothing to do with me, its watching "the act" so to speak. To me he is being unfaithful every time he wanks/ejaculates over watching some other woman, who he has picked to watch out of a long list! I believe if he is married to me, I am the only woman he should look at naked. I do not oogle other men in any way. The fact that he is being turned on by someone else is very upsetting.I find it very upsetting that someone thinks "I should be grateful he is not actually "doing it" with some one etc. I did not marry him to be an obedient wife, gratful to just have a husband. If it is mans natural instinct to want sex regardless of who with, I feel a solitary life coming on! For years I have felt like I must be undesireable, unsexy, not good enough because of him! But I realize I am sexy, pretty, other men are attracetd to me, I am good in bed, at dancing etc etc. Thing is every time we have sex I have these visions in my head of the things he has been watching, things he actually started acting out on me. Then I worry that I am not doing as he likes, expects, wants, I worry that he is compairing me to his special women! Do you have any idea how that must feel? Cerberus, thanks, you have given me a bit of hope, as not all men watch porn! and yes you are right, I keep threatening, he keeps getting away with it. Good thing is, I have told him: you ever ever ever watch it again and your last chance is over, we will be over. He said He was sorry, porn is a seedy thing, put out there to hook men in, said he has a wife, loves me ( and all that bull) so we will see! I have taken a bit of action, have put monitoring software on the computer, obviously because I no longer trust or believe him. To me he has committed the ultimate sin, I feel he has cheated a thousand times, irelevant of whether sex took place, someone else gave him (excuse language) a hard on, made him cum!Thanks everyone for taking time to answer, men I hope you take note of how hurtful this can be to woman too,thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2011): Right then, I'm in your age group. Been with my wife close to 30 years. The last time we had anything intimate was around five weeks ago. If I'm lucky, the next time will be in three or four weeks. I'm not dead yet. Since she's happy with once every couple of months doesn't mean that I am. I've stayed faithful only because I wank often. And porn helps with that.
How much are you there for him?
Let me tell you, if my wife was to threathen divorce just now, I'd quite take her up on it, because she hasn't been a wife for some time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): I watch porn daily and always masturbate to it. I dont have a partner therefore most of the time I am imagining that the girl in the scene is someone I am attacted to - that is what gets me off the quickest, imagining that my partner or object of affection is performing the acts shown. He could very well be thinking of you more while looking at this content.
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reader, coolcontrast +, writes (21 April 2011):
Honestly, as a man, once u've watched porn..u can never stop...its addictive..why do u find it so offensive may i ask? its not like hez having sex or anything...hez not cheating on u..a man has his own instincts and sexual desires are normal in a man..u shud be grateful that ur husband is just watching porn unlike others who cheat and have real sex with other women..hez not cheating, its his natural instinct..mayb u shud have sex more often with him...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): "Do men ever stop watching porn once they have tasted it?" Yes some men do, others don't see the point in not using it.
"Are there many men who chose not to watch it, whether in a relationship or not?"
Yes, there are plenty of men that choose not to watch it.
"Do you think my husband will go back to watching it again?"
I think you know the answer to that, I mean how many times does he have to do it before you get he just always will?
OP if this is such an issue for you and he's not going to stop, then I don't see any point in you continuing in an unhappy relationship. If you're worried that all men are like him, don't be they're not. OP he;s not going to stop because he has no incentive, you always threaten divorce but you never act on any of your threats, you leave him, you come back. Nothing bad happens when he's caught, you get upset and that's it. He's just going to keep learning how to hide his tracks better.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (20 April 2011):
To add a male perspective, pretty much all of us lie about it unless you convince us you're ok with porn. It's not right, but it's a learned behavior. Even a guy who swears up and down he doesn't watch it likely does. Just a warning about what you'll face if you start dating. Good luck!
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 April 2011):
 It sounds to me then like there are a whole heap of issues here, and porn is the least of your problems. If it really is the case that he is not willing to work on the marriage, you feel you have done all you can and he is making no effort - well maybe it is time to call it a day.
He has anger issues, he does not put any effort into his appearance, does not value you, he wont have counselling, plus he wanted new women to date only 2 weeks after splitting up in the past? They are REAL reasons for divorce, now I know this - by all means go ahead and get out of this, it sounds awful and you do deserve better. Porn is not enough of a reason alone for divorce, but everything else you have mentioned is more than enough to mean you should leave him, you are totally right, he is a loser and you can do better.
But keep in mind that as I said before, the chances of you meeting a man who doesnt use porn at all is very very slim, so dont expect to meet a new man who doesnt use porn, otherwise you will only be disappointed again. But with any luck, you will meet someone new who is a million times better than your husband, and then even if he does watch porn occasionally, it will be an insignificant detail because everything else about him is so wonderful.
Good luck!
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reader, person12345 +, writes (20 April 2011):
If you're going back and forth, him lying, you threatening, all you're doing is creating resentment. It's not solving anything. He's being a lying jerk, and you're alienating him (by making him feel trapped). You're both going about this all wrong. If you two want to solve anything, you have to work this out together and communicate. If you can afford it, counseling is the best option. If that's not an option, I like to recommend the book The Porn Trap since it's the closest thing to counseling you can get in a book. It will give you a place to start from. I am anti-porn and think that porn use in a relationship is harmful, however it is unrealistic to think he will change overnight and suddenly stop using it for what is in his mind, not a good reason. I don't want you to think I don't understand where you're coming from, I agree that he's being a jerk by lying to you and continuing to do something he knows you hate. But the only way this will ever change is for you two to communicate, not fight. Fighting doesn't get anywhere. I know it's hard not to get emotional, but you need to act rationally and non-confrontational or you're just going to force him into the defense.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2011): I have suggested counciling but husband says I am the one with the problem, to me though he caused the problem. I have also said lets watch it together, he was horrified about that suggestion.
Also, I do not oggle at men in any way, do not masturbate to them so why should he? I think I am his wife and he should only want and lust after me and my body. If not marriage is a pointless croc of ****.
He has an anger problem which rears its head when he has had a few drinks, then he becomes a tyrant. We have been together for 30 years, I still look good, look sexy, try to please, he does none of those, like most comfortable married men he has become overweight, takes no care of his appearance, shaves every week or so, never tries to look good for me.
Yet silly old me frets over him getting off to internet porn! He wont stand a chance of getting anyone half as good as me and he knows it.
When we split a few years ago he had sent messages to his friend asking if he had found him any girls yet! in his dreams! that was just 2 weeks after we had seperated, yes he must love me so much! did'nt have the decency to wait a few months!
I think I should answer my own questions! He is a loser and I deserve better, I have been a very good wife, in the bedroom, kitchen and a supportive wife too.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 April 2011):
Ok, to answer your questions one by one:
1. Do men ever stop watching porn once they have started? Very unlikely, in most cases they will continue to use porn.
2. Are there many men who chose not to watch it, whether in a relationship or not? No - I would say 99% of men watch porn at some point in time. It is very rare to find a man who doesnt watch porn at all.
3. Do you think my husband will go back to watching it again? Yes he will use it again.
But in order to really fill you in and try and give you some perspective, here is, in a nutshell, why men use porn:
1. It is an escape. It is like a fantasy world where they can just escape real life and induldge - like when women fantasise about George Clooney or whoever when masturbating, it is the same thing for men with porn.
2. It is a quick, easy release. Porn is easier than having sex in real life (note EASIER, NOT more enjoyable). Sex for men is actually quite difficult and stressful, they are always conscious of whether the woman is enjoying herself, making sure he performs (i.e doesnt cum too soon), he has to do all of the work in most positions (unless girl is on top)and all the woman has to do is lie there and focus on her orgasm - but for men there is so much more going on. Hence porn is the quickest, easiest and least stressful way to 'get off' so to speak. It doesnt mean he does not enjoy sex with you - its just on the odd occasion, men like to take the easy option and have a quick, easy release of tension. Even with oral, he is still worrying about if you are enjoying it, if he is taking too long to cum, if your jaw is hurting, if there will be too much cum....
3. They dont want to have sex with a porn star or want you to look like a porn star - generally when they are watching porn men often think 'oh I would love to do that to xxxx(partner's name).'
So there you go - this is a quick overview as to why men use porn. Not so bad really is it?! I have spoken to my boyfriend and my countless male friends and they all say something similar to the above. Men are very visual creatures so it makes masturbating more enjoyable - what is really so wrong with that? You would never get upset by a man masturbating, so really there is not that much difference between plain old masturbation and masturbating to porn.
How about instead of judging him for it, and making a big deal about it you try and come to terms with it for the sake of your marriage - then he will never have to hide it from you or lie. Heck - why not even suggest watching it together?! You may find it turns you on too, and he will definitely love that you want to share in his turn-on's!
Many many women feel the exact same way as you do, and men will always maintain that it is meaningless but the women cannot get their heads around it. And this is where the big difference lies - women attach emotions to sex, whereas men (often) do not. So women are thinking 'why does he need porn when he has me' and they see the porn as a threat, whereas there are no emotions for men attached to porn whatsoever.
You may never understand why men use porn, and that is ok if it simply does not make sense to you. Just as there are many parts of a woman's personality men will never understand, maybe this is one part of your partner that you will never understand. Just accept that this is one gender difference you cant get your head around and dont worry about it. I think what men and women need to do more is to accept that we have differences and not try and rationalise them in our own gender specific ways, at the end of the day men and women will always be different so lets just accept it and get on with it!
I really dont think that porn is enough to end a marriage, so many men do it and it really does not have any bearings on your relationship at all, it would be such a waste of a marriage to end it because of porn. If you can become so depressed over something so small and if it really effects you mentally like this, it indicates the problem may lie with you rather than your husband. Have you tried counselling or therapy for your low self esteem? And have you thought about couples counselling?
It sounds to me like your husband simply watches porn when you are not around, for a bit of light relief. He knows you dont like porn, therefore he lies because he thinks it will be easier on you if you dont know about it, because it really is meaningless and it does not affect his love for you. However you then find the porn, which you hate, and then he continues to lie, hence the trust has gone as well as him doing something you hate. Therefore you need to re-build the trust to save this marriage, but in order to do that you need to come to terms with the porn and not go crazy each time you find it on the computer. I would even say you need to stop snooping on the computer, because you are only searching for things that upset you. It is like you are deliberately trying to upset yourself with all this snooping!
If you went to couples counselling you could work on the trust, and if you had some individual therapy for your low self esteem then maybe you could come to terms with the porn. I am not saying you should accept it or like it, but perhaps tolerate the fact that your husband is just an ordinary man who gets a bit of relief from masturbating to a visual aid online. You might not agree or like his chosen method of 'relief' but you are married, and you took vows to love him through good times and bad, and to love him for who he is. This is just the way he is - it is part of most men's personalities, they simply need something visual to get them off! Most women would prefer if they did not need this and were more emotional about sex like us, that would be lovely in an ideal world.
But we dont live in an idea world, no marriage is ideal either, and you have to learn to compromise. If you still love him, and want to save your marriage - then you need to find some middle ground. My suggestion would be that you accept he is a normal man, and you are never going to like porn but you will stop snooping and try to come to terms with his porn watching. His compromise will be that he only watches is when you are away (when he physically cannot have sex with you) and he will try to be more sensitive to your feelings about porn.
I really hope you dont end your marriage over this, it would be such a shame to end it over something so insignificant as porn. If you both put all your effort into making this work and get some professional help, I think you will be just fine.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 April 2011):
 i am sure he will watch porn.
what I am not sure about is why it's such a huge deal breaker for so many women.
it's pictures... why does it threaten you, if your sex life is good...
as i tell my man... I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home....
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