A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:me and my boyfriend have two children together and going back last year i found out he has another child in between the age gap of my children he says he wants nothing to do with the other child. i found out he was seeing the child behind my back, ever since he hasnt seen the child, how can i be sure he hasnt Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Why wouldn't you want him to see his child??? What does that have to do with you? If you were the baby of a cheating man, would it be ok if ur father didn't see you?? Let's be serious. Grow up!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the bigger person here and not prevent him from seeing his child. I know that you don't want to hear what I (and all the other aunts & uncles) are saying because what's happened isn't fair to you. After all, he's the one that cheated and you're the one hurt, etc.
However, like the others have said, its not fair to the child to have been born under such sordid circumstances and then be robbed of its father. You see that child (and its mother) as daily proof of your man's infideity. And it sucks. But you have to look at the bigger picture, beyond your own hurt: clearly he's the kind of man who takes having kids seriously. Which means, no matter what happens between you and him, your kids will always have their father too. If you get him into the habit of it being ok to deny the children he brought into the world, that could backfire on you by him some day doing the same to his kids with you. You don't want that.
Let him see his child. Just lay down rules. Like, he can see the kid, but not at the mother's house (I know that has to be one of your biggest fears... that he and her will get into something again). Or, the child has to be at your house (not a bad idea to let your kids meet their sibling, no matter what you think of the mother). I'm actually a grown woman, but in the position of your kids and I know I have a brother I've met once in my life. It does sort of sadden me that because of my father's stupidty (and my mother's stubborness and the other woman being a tramp) that I never really got to know my own brother. If my parents (and his mother) were bigger people, perhaps I could have another big brother and the value that would bring. But, as it is, que sera, sera.
Anyway, good luck, with everything.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): the child needs his father, to try and deny that will push your boyfriend away sooner or later. Why are you jealous of a child?
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male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (5 March 2009):
 I'm sure he has every right to see his child! Yes what he did was wrong but at the end of the day there is a CHILD involved! And as a mother you should know how important it is that he has contact with this child.
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A
female
reader, kissxmexagainx  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 oh.. my.. god. it's terrible that he cheated on you && all, really it is. but keeping him from seeing his own child?!?! that's even worse! I understand that you're hurting && all, but seriously. you're a grown woman but you're acting like a child. it's his kid && I think it's amazing that he wants to be there for him/her. I'd have a problem if he didn't want to see his child. do you want to be with a scumbag who runs out on his own kid? yes, he's yours, but he's also his childs.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Sorry, boyfriend, not husband. I didn't proof read.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (5 March 2009):
This child is already at a societal disadvantage just because of his parents actions. Please don't hurt this innocent any further by keeping him from being able to develop some semblance of a relationship with his father.
I understand your hurt and pain, and I don't envy you what you are going through. But you decided to stay with your husband and work things out, and now this child is part of your husband as well.
No you don't have to have him over for holidays, but it might be nice. This child dodn't ask to be put in the middle of your life, and no one in their right mind would want to be the cause of such pain. Forgive this child for the sin he never committed, and let your husband be as good of a father as he can to ALL of his children.
This boy is going to need a lot of love and support to eventually accept his position in his family. You don't have to love him, but you cannot pnish him.
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (5 March 2009):
 You are hurting and you are crying. You wanted "revenge", You wanted to "punish" your husband from him cheating on you. You are just being human.
However, since there is a child involved, try to put yourself in his position. And then try again in the innocent child's position. What would you do, if you were in those positions, respectively?
Now, the big question is, you wanted him on a short leash, because you are afraid of he would wander off again and have another affair? Or because you wanted to make sure that he knows he is being "punished"?
Definitely, he has the right to be heard in the discussion between the two of you (and your children also - as Damluvaam and AuntyEm said), but at the same time, he has options too. And (I hope it does not come to this), one of the options could be that he wants out of the current relationship [with you]. And if he does present this option to you [which again, I hope he doesn't], he would want to able able to see your children and continue to be part of their lives.
I hope all works out for the best for you.
Cat
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male
reader, Helpful_In_Ohio +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Are you kidding Me your trying to stop a good guy from being a daddy And a father. There are more men out there that would love to not see there kids and make up any excuse not to and here you have a man that wants to be a father and your looking for ways to stop him ? GET A GRIP OF YOUR SELF. I am a father of 3 by 2 different mothers and i will never not for a minute let my gf or the another of my other children make me choose to not see my son ! You need to wake up and put the shoe on the other foot what if you were the other woman and he was not allowed to see your kids ? you would feel like Crap right? stop being a hurtful and insecure Freakin Child GROW up.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 March 2009):
 I think that child has the right to a father and if he wants to see the child, you cant stop him. If he says he doesnt want to see the child then that is his decision but you shouldnt be pressuring him not to see the child.
Just encourage your boyfriend to be honest with you, so if he does see the child then at least you know where he is. If you explain that you will support him in whatever decision he makes about the child then he will feel like he can be honest with you, rather than having to hide things from you.
I know it will hurt you that he has another child with someone else but you cannot try to deprive that child of a father, the child has done nothing wrong and deserves the best in life, and they will only get that from having a dad around.
I hope this helps!
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male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (5 March 2009):
 It's his KID!!! It's not the kid's fault, and he shouldn't be deprived of a father because of his mistake. The kid is there now...I think you're gonna have to make the best of it - as I said, it's your boyfriend's fault so DO NOT make the kid pay!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): I dont know that you can make sure that he isnt seeing the child. I also dont know that you should take his infidelity out on that child. That child just like any other needs a father. And whether you like it or not there is going to be a bond there. What you need to do is decide if you can get past this and maybe embrace this child as part of your family. If you cant do that then you need to move on. Because you cant stop a father from being a father.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 March 2009):
 I don't think you can stop him seeing the child. Look at it from that child's point of view. It is not the childs fault and the childs father, your partner has rights under British law to have access.
Instead of trying to prevent him from seeing his other child, why don't the two of you sit down and work out what would be best for all the children. Your own kids have a half brother/sister that they have a right to know.
I know this is a difficult situation but you cannot argue over the facts that he and the child have rights. The decision is not yours to make.
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