A
male
age
41-50,
*ason Michael
writes:Dear reader, my question concerns a deep psychological anxiety which I suffer from. In my more rational moments I know that it is immature, petty and even silly. But we are human and often the chaos of the psyche escapes into the lived reality of our real and outer life. I have never slept with a virgin, and this troubles me. I myself am not a virgin and thus should not throwing stones. It bothers me that the woman I love was not a virgin when I met her, and I would never set this as a precondition for a romantic relationship: that would be creepy and predatory.I feel as though the universe has left me behind, that I have been short changed somehow. Odd, but true. Other people are not objects with which to fulfill my desires, this I know and believe; but there is still that sense of loss. Someone else has slept with the woman I love, and I am left a seducer manqué.Would anyone have some sound and balanced advice for to salve this sense of inadequacy, or failure? I don't want a virgin for the sake of having had the experience; I only want the woman I love. The problem is that the manqué remains. Sometimes it haunts me, and it is unfair in the extreme to place this burden upon her. After all, I wasn't a virgin when I met her.
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male
reader, Jason Michael +, writes (19 December 2010):
Jason Michael is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Truffle31, thank you for this post. Unless this 'trauma' is 'acting out' I doubt that we need counselling as so many would impose. The key is that we see a number of things clearly. The 'lack' which we perceive in the Other is not a real lack. Virginity is actually a construct and ultimately an illusion - isn't it? This lack within our own fragile psyché is something which we 'project' onto our sacred object.
This sacred object is not actually the Other, the other forever remains an autonomous Other; it is our 'image' of 'mental reflection' of the Other. This is the focus of our desire. Thus the virginity becomes little more than a 'fetish.' We must explore the mechanism of loss and 'trauma' within ourselves to see where it is missing in our sacred object. NB the sacred object is not the Other, but our mental construct of the Other (our desire).
When we see where this comes from we can offer it back to the sacred object by means of 'sacrifice.' Our Ego, as male men, is our man-ness (male pride): our most protected identity. This must be offered to the sacred object - freely and boldly out of love and submission. This is a gift to the Other and a propitiation to the sacred object which is the ultimate self gift.
In short this means - get over ourselves! Put down the male-pride which demands possession, and accept the gift of the Other as a gift qua freely given. This we cannot possess, we can only accept. This triumphs the wounded male pride and liberates us to accept the true fetish (the Other) as an autonomous Other and all that is them in the present. The past is not real; it is over and the dialectic of constant change (the renewal of cells and atoms etc) dictates that the Other is forever new and becoming new.
A
male
reader, truffle31  +, writes (18 December 2010):
Brother, you and I are in the same situation...I am not a virgin myself, and although I have slept with virgins, my current girlfriend is the one I love most. Sadly, she is also the one with the "least decorated" history. She has had way more sex partners than me although she is younger than me, but strangely I love her the most. She brings me joy and happiness, and I am really deeply in love with her.
Although every single day I pray to God, wishing that she would be my virgin, and that I would sacrifice anything for being her first and only, I know that this is a fact that can not be changed. I am still dealing with this heartbreak one step and a time, and I hope that this will change in the future.
One thing I suggest is trying to see this in a different light, like I did. I view her "least decorated" past as something that I would have to deal with, and if I am able to deal with her past, I know that I really love her more than anybody else, which means that if I marry her I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone that I really love.
Although I do hold a small hope that in a different world, at a different universe, we could be the first and last for each other......
I love her no matter who she was, and I will keep on loving her for the rest of my life. I hope you will do the same as well!
Cheers!
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A
male
reader, Jason Michael +, writes (18 December 2010):
Jason Michael is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for the considerate responses, they are mostly articulate and well meant. Thank you for this kindness. I do not believe that this is a problem that specifically requires the help of a professional; as I have said, "it is unfair in the extreme to place this burden upon her (my beloved)." It is not a subject which I torment her with. I am mature enough to realise that the point cuts both ways (I am not a virgin). I do not suffer from jealousy and never have; it was merely my hope to share something of my innermost angst with you, and seek your thoughts.
"largentsgirl89," your blunt disregard for sharing is not helpful. If it were the case that I had some manic deep seated "issues" I am most sure that it would be my beloved who is suffering the pain of this. Rather I love her, and in actuality - as I have stated - I love her regardless. These are merely irrational human emotions and we all have them.
"Steph007" has, I think, hit the nail on the head. It is not about virginity per se, but rather about the realisation that life has moved on without me (this happens to us all). It is more the case that I have failed to grasp something of youth, and thus this anxiety happens only within my interiority. It has nothing to do with any person. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): "I have never slept with a virgin"
Neither have I, and I'm a lot older than you.
Virginity, in my opinion, is highly over-rated.
Good sex is not over-rated.
A good companion is not over-rated.
Love is not over-rated.
Yes, unfortunately, you do need counseling. I wish I could help you but this is a journey that you have to make alone. You are "dissatisfied" with what you have, and a counselor can help you figure that out, if you are willing to open up...which most people are not.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 My previous girlfriend was a virgin when we met. She cheated on me, and moved straight from my apartment to the apartment of her new boyfriend (so I guess their affair had been going on for quite a while).
My current girlfriend has a really slutty past. I'm currently suffering from a depression due to this. I've never seen anyone fighting so hard to keep me. She wants me to live, she wants me to stick by her ...
I'm pretty sure my previous girlfriend would not have done all this for me.
Given the above information, which seems to be the best partner?
Why am I telling you this? Well, the feelings that you describe are similar to what I'm going through. I suggest you read this article http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html and search for the writings of 'Yos'.
To summarize my interpretation of his approach ... decide if you want to go on with this relationship, don't dwell on it and - this, for me, is the hardest one to tackle - accept that it is the way of the world.
Just make sure you tackle this problem - with of without professional help - before it leads too far.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Would you rather be her first or her last?
See a therapist. Some deep seated issues.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 December 2010):
 There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to say it. You need to see a professional about this. A counselor, a therapist... something. I say this because you at least acknowledge that what you are saying isn't fair... yet you still feel that way. A professional can help walk you through your thought process and help you deal with your issue.
Your problem isn't specifically related to her being a virgin or not, it's with possessiveness. Somebody had the woman you love before you. Now, normally you should come to understand that the circumstances were out of your control. Usually the woman you love has sex prior to meeting you so there is nothing you can do about it. From there, logical thought should conclude that she is with you NOW. She has chosen YOU now. It's pointless to stress over things that are out of your control. Also, from a rationalizing standpoint, the human brain will usually continue giving reasons for why this is for the better. For example, if the woman you love was still a virgin when she met you she might always be wondering what sex with another man is like. She may forever live her life thinking "What if?".
Since you are not following those next steps of rationalization, it leads me to believe that you need something more than just simple convincing. Do you have any other issues with possessiveness? Are you the jealous type? How was your home life growing up? Do you come from a traditional home with your mother and father still together? Many times there are contributing factors from earlier in life that may be influencing you now.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (17 December 2010):
I understand your problem and feelings, but believe me you terribly overvalue that virginity. If you have got real love from your partners that is the maximum what a man can get, and the virginity does not heighten it at all. Further, you are not in that age anymore when these thoughts would not be a bit cracked:). In fact, I think that not the virginity is that what you are really craving for, but the slipped youth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Your feelings are immature, petty, silly, useless for your relationship . . . and also entirely normal and healthy for a guy to have. It's called retroactive jealousy. It is the product of evolution. It is outdated for people living today but our feelings about romantic and sexual things do not reprogram in just a generation or two.
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