A
male
age
51-59,
*estBFever
writes:It was bothering me that my GF didn't get me a card for my birthday(2 days later). She noticed that something was on my mind and asked me. I asked her if she got me anything for my birthday and she told me she "didn't know what to get me" (so I got nothing) but she got me the "perfect card", except she misplaced it. (So I didn't get a card either.) I felt unappreciated. She got upset at me because this made her feel bad about herself. What am I to do? I don't expect "perfect", and have not given her that impression. All I really wanted was for her to express her feelings for me in whatever tangible way she can. A hand written letter would have nailed it! Now she is upset with me. Help. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): She did wrong.
But what is with your behaviour. Not mentioning it for two days, being moody? That's called "passive aggressive behaviour" and it is poison to relationships.
A relationship is not a tennis match -- there is no one keeping a score. You don't win if your partner loses a point (rather, you both lose). Dearcupid.org is not a referee for lineball decisions.
A relationship is about mutual happiness, and that means playing fair. One aspect of playing fair is to mention it immediately when you feel hard done by, to give your partner a chance to put things right before the situation spins out of control and you both get hurt (ie, as you have just managed to do).
You should have called her. Expressed how the lack of a present or card made you sad because you felt as though you are not a large part of her life. Then give her a way to apologise, to make better. Maybe a walk in the park, or cooking you dinner, whatever will do the job. In short, some activity which would make your relationship stronger, which would re-affirm you as a couple.
Now next year, don't let this happen again. You should help your partner with the things they find difficult. If she is genuinely busy, buy the present yourself. If she is disorganised, then help her organise and take her shopping. If she has no money then suggest a walk in the park.
As for now. Give her a call. Apologise for hurting her by hiding how you felt. Graciously accept any apologies she may make (although she may well feel she has already apologised, so it would be unfair to expect another). Arrange a relationship-affirming activity and go and have some time together.
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 She should know the sort of things you like. Even if she didnt, she could ask. You can either view this as a terrible lapse in her attention or shrug it off. As for her making you feel guilty for mentioning it. Shes just trying to reflect how she feels back at you. Dont play that game, just move on from the whole card issue. Im sure next birthday she wont forget you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 She handled the situation wrongly . She could have just apologized, give you a sweet kiss and moved on but instead had to make you feel guilty for reminding her.
Just act normal when you see her or better still invite her out on a date and fete her. Life will go back to normal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 I think you should put this behind you, and let her sort her own feelings out. I have the feeling that someone somewhere is blowing this out of proportion.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): She's upset with you because you made *her* feel bad about *herself*.
That's... her problem. You can't fix feelings she creates for herself.
...............................
A
female
reader, lonesum dove +, writes (9 May 2010):
 wow I think I would be a little upset that my partner did not get me anything for my birthday and then to say I brought you a card and misplace it, are you kidding me, how can you tell you partner I didnt know what to get you, hey maybe some perfume or a gift card to your favorite resturant, a baseball cap, tee-shirt, romantic evening out hell I can go on and on, then you say she's mad at you, man she done reverse that back to you, ask her how would she feel if you had forgot her birthday... BIRTHDAY, VALEMTIME,ANNIVERSARY AND CHRISTMAS are four special accasion that we should never forget, is she a mother if so did you get her something for mother's day
...............................
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Well I have been with my boyfriend for almost 12 years now. Love him to bits but he has only remembered my birthday on 3 of these occasions. I know he has a lot on his mind, so never remind him. I like you, dont expect presents etc, because to be honest, if I want something I am big enough to get it myself, but I do expect him to acknowledge it. Even if its just a "Happy Birthday Dear!"
The fact that she has gotten upset, as far as I am concerned is her way of showing that she is guilty. Perhaps she did misplace the card, and perhaps she didnt know what to get you, but three little words would have "nailed it". I would wait for her to get over herself and then perhaps just have a little chat to her. Just explain to her that it hurt you that she feels the way she feels and that its not the fact you didnt get a card or present, but the fact that she didnt acknowledge it by as you said, even a hand written letter.
Its not worth spoiling a relationship over, but be honest with her, and tell her how you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Well, its mean on her part to have even misplaced the so called perfect card that she got you. To me, it sounds like she never got you anything in the first place. But nyways, now that she is upset. You might wanna tell her that you were being cute while you were asking her about your birthday gift. You didnt really mean to hurt her. Text her or write her an email if she is not picking up your phone.Hope that helps.
...............................
|
