A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I'll probably get judged for this post but what the hell my head is FRIED!! I could seriously do with some non-judgmental advice, oh and by the way, don't tell me to break up with my bf cos it ain't gonna happen. Okay...Me and my bf have been together over a year. We love each other but it has not been an easy relationship. I was in recovery from heroin addiction for 10 years and I had been abstinent from everything including booze for 10 years. I went to a 12 step fellowship (NA) for all that time and basically had a really bad experience there, including a relationship with an abusive guy that lasted 5 years. I eventually got out (of NA and the relationship) Anyway, i decided to start drinking again and have ended up having a bit of a bender in the last year. I think unconsciously I have been catching up after 10 years of total abstinence. I hope that makes sense. I moved back to my home town, got a job, and met someone. I was drinking quite a lot. A few months into the relationship I snogged another guy. I felt terrible immediately, I was drunk. A few months later I had a situation with a very old male friend and we ended up in bed together, both very drunk. We didn't do much and we didn't have sex but I know I was unfaithful to my bf. I also punched my bf when I was drunk. I know this all sounds awful but he has been a pain in the ass too but yeah, there was no excuse to punch him. That was about a month ago. The last straw came when he was out drinking with his friends and I was out with mine last weekend and we met up and walked home. He crashed out and I checked his phone. I found an old deleted text message ( i couldn't read what it said) from an ex-FWB buddy of his. She had sent it at 4am. I confronted him about this and asked him if something had happened between them and he said "I cant believe you are even asking me that." He is really hurt that i looked through his phone and has not been acting as if anything happened between them, he did not act guilty, just pissed off i had checked his phone. ButIi cannot get it out of my head, even though I HAVE CHEATED ON HIM and my behavior has been outrageous!Please guys, don't be harsh with me. I know I've done wrong and I am so trying to change. I had ten years off the booze and I guess I have just kind of lost it the last year. I have now made a commitment to stop drinking as I just act crazy when i drink too much. What i would like to know is - is my suspicion/insecurity because I have been unfaithful and it is backfiring on me or do i have something to worry about? He does not act insecure/jealous with me and we have seen this girl who text him when we have been out together and he acted normal.Should I worry about this girl or just concentrate on the fact that I cheated on him, and concentrate on changing me? It is the only time I have ever been unfaithful and was all down to alcohol. I really feel that after everything I have done, I don't really have the right to bring the subject of this girl up. He is still pretty upset by me checking his phone in the first place.Your thoughts? Anyone who is rude or abusive I don't really care what you think; I feel bad enough already thanks.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 March 2011):
 Thanks for replying! It's awesome that you and your boyfriend took a step back. That was probably the healthiest thing you could have done, and I'm really happy for you.
I also understand how you feel about AA/NA. However, some of that negativity could also be attributed to your 5 year abusive relationship. However, I know you'll find some help that works for you.
As far as the two-drink maximum, do you have the faith in your own willpower that two drinks won't become a "bender"? Again, I'm really happy and relieved you took a step back from your relationship for now, because punching anyone, drunk or sober, is a really bad thing. Had you been a guy writing in here talking about how he got drunk and punched his girlfriend, the responses here would have been much more blunt regarding that.
Truthfully, I don't think you should play with any limit. For two drinks, you could get the same feeling drinking soft drinks, and there would be far less risk to you. It would be like someone with a food addiction let loose in a bakery. Could they just have one bite of ice cream or one small piece of cake? Nope. They know that if it's around, they'll eat it all. Same with drugs and drinking. It's just playing with the addiction, and I know you have a good heart and don't want to even go near the fact that you could go out of control.
My brother has battled with heroin and other drugs as well as an alcohol habit. I know that when these things get ahold of you, it changes your brain and is more than just a matter of stopping. I'm glad you're looking at therapy. The chemistry of the human brain is one of the most misunderstood technologies, and having a nonjudgmental therapist able to identify deficiencies to help you is crucial and needed.
Don't ever quit the fight. Don't give ground. Yoga and healthy forms of release are a great step forward. Being like a "stone wall" against any thoughts of going back under the oppression is a fight you'll carry for the rest of your life. Don't let your mind play the "two-drink" game with you. You don't need any of that stuff, and it won't leave you open for benders or other things you don't need in your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): I'd like to take some time to answer to all of you. Firstly thankyou, I have found all of your answers very helpful and mostly caring. I will try to respond to most of the points you have written. I DO want to stop drinking but I dont want to go back to AA or NA. I found it a very unhealthy environment and it's not for me. In my last two years of abstinence I was so mentally unwell that I could hardly leave the house. So it's difficult for me to see that abstinence is the way forward. I feel that I'm okay having two drinks MAX but it's when I have anymore than that that things go wrong. I am going to carry on drinking occasionally as I do not think I am an alcoholic (I can just have one or two) it's more that the devil in me comes out when I go on a drinking binge. I agree, i am mentally unwell. I have tried several different medications but none of them agreed with me. I suffer from anxiety and depression and my doctor has refered me for therapy. I am waiting for this.I think it is unlikely that my bf will find out about the infidelities but I do agree that in myself i feel that too much damage had been done and i keep crying and feeling really bad about myself because of what i have done. I have taken a step back from the relationship, we are having some space at the moment and I am committing to not drinking excessively or going out and i have started doing yoga and meditation again. I hope I can change but I'm not sure how much I can. I have suffered from mental and emotional issues since i stopped taking drugs. Alot of bad stuff happened when i was on heroin, stuff that no-one should have to go through. I thought i'd get over it all one day but I am still scarred, upset, angry. It's all vey well people saying 'get therapy' 'go sober' - I did both those things and they didnt work. Being clean and sober in the NA/AA fellowship was one of the most depressing periods in my life and I had intensive therapy for about 5 years before. It helped but I'm still the same person with the same problems. I dont know what to do next. I'll just keep on trying. I'm not a victim and i believe in helping yourself so thats what i'm going to do. I will try therapy agian for what it's worth and i'll just keep doing what I'm doing - not drinking excessively, doing my yoga and meditation and trying to be a better person.If you want to update my update that would be cool. Thanks again guys.
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A
male
reader, Jjang19  +, writes (3 March 2011):
You shouldnt be worried about that other girl because cheating is unforgivable and he will leave you as soon as he finds out. Your older than me but your still at that point in your life, like many are, where they are unable to distinguish the physical and the emotional. Therefore, only 2 things can happen in your relationship:
1) You decide its just physical and you may be in contact with him for a while now just for sex
or 2) You decide that you think your ready for a true emotional relationship, and if thats the case, you have already wrecked that relationship by cheating and even if you want to continue, if he has emotions in the relationship it will be over.
The only thing you can do is move on, try to reduce the drinking, and NEVER cheat
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (3 March 2011):
Stressing over this possible cheating of your boyfriend is another way out of your life. You have too many thing to face inside you and try to fix, that you are trying escape from it.
Even if you boyfriend cheated on you, that is a minor problem compared with the alcohol and stuff you wrote about.
I guess the best we can do is, like CaringGuy, recommend you to get psychological help from a professional.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): Hi
Phew ! i can try and understand ....i think...first well done for trying to kick the old habbits and also knowing and actually admitting you have been wrong ( in some situations) that goes along way in my eyes....having the guts to say I need to sort myself out!
My answer is not about you cheating or looking through his phone.....these are just part of a bigger problem ...that you openly say you want to sort out.
Start with the root first...you need to consentrate on changing you and your life....please try, you are only young ...and could have a new life....this could still include your boyfriend. Find your true self...your value...
and know underneath all this sxxx ....you are different to who you think you are and what OTHERS say you are...no room in the future to carry past hurts or guilts....you have to work hard at shaking all the false layers off and find YOU. Change your enviroment if needs be but fight to have the life you deserve..make it happen, you already proved your strong will with ten years, sort you out then the rest. Unhappiness and hurt often take us on paths we don't belong on...you see this much and the fork in the road. Forget the cheating and forget the phone message...you have something way more important to think about...who are you really, what do you want to become.
it's never to late "transformation"
stop feeling bad and search for feeling good.
Good Luck :)
spunky monkey.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 March 2011):
Here's the thing. You should break up with him, but not for the reasons you think we mean.
You at some point have derailed your sobriety. For 10 years, you were sober and now in the past month or better, you went back onto a bender. You got out of an abusive relationship with a guy, but now, the alcohol is making you the same kind of abusive.
You need a new start, and you will do more harm to more relationships if you don't get back on the wagon and go 100% sober. You cannot use or drink because of the danger it poses to you and others.
You cheat when you're drunk. You commit assault and batter when you're drunk. Apparantly, you have not the willpower or the strength to become permanently UN-drunk. How much more damage do you want to do to your life?
I want you to mentally think about yourself in that 5 year abusive relationship you were in. You went through hell. It affected you enough to get out of treatment and flush your sobriety down the toilet. Is this what you want to cause someone else?
Get alone. Take a break from this other guy because you need to save your own life now. You're spiralling, and it's only a matter of time before the heroin or some other substance creeps back in and the chains clamp down even harder. What if you become pregnant? Then you bring in an innocent, and I know you don't want to punch your child or pass on the addictive lifestyle you've lived under.
Right now you should feel terrified of spending one more second in the spiral. This isn't about your boyfriend's possible cheating. This isn't about you cheating on him. This is about you losing what forward momentum you've had and becoming irreparably lost in your addiction. Next thing you know, you won't even try anymore and you will wallow in your misery, cheating, boozing, and punching your way into despair.
Fight for your life and sobriety, or you'll be lost.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (3 March 2011):
 I agree with CaringGuy and mean no disrespect by this, but you need professional help. I know you don't want to break up with your boyfriend, but you sound like you're in a difficult place emotionally right now and need to find some inner stability. I would think finding that stability independent of a boyfriend or other crutch (alcohol, drugs) would be best for someone in your situation, but I am just someone on the internet who doesn't know you, so only you can know for sure what you need. You've gotten help before and I think you should do it again. If your boyfriend is a positive influence in your life, by all means, hang onto him, but if he is only bringing you down with insecurities and distractions from the real issues going on in you then maybe you should take some time to yourself. You'll never get these years back and I'm sre you don't want to spend them miserable, paranoid and drunk out of your mind. You might love your boyfriend, but right now you need to do what is best for you and your health, so please consider that. Either way I wish you the best. :)
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Dear Anonymous,
Unfortunately there's only so many fronts you can fight on and what's important right now is you. It sounds like your alcoholism is leading down a very self-destructive path and if you don't take care of it soon, everything will collapse around you. You say you you're not drinking now-which is fantastic. But alcoholism is a huge monster to fight alone, try AA or individual councelling again. You probably think you don't need it but most recovering alcoholics swear by it. The regular support and reinforcement goes much further than people imagine. It sounds like you are quite damaged from your previous relationship, and that is why you have to be kind to yourself. Talk to someone proffessional, like a councellor you will be amazed how much it can clear your head! It's like learning to ride a bike, you might get there alone but it's far easier and quicker if you have a teacher.
I think partly you are feeling neurotic about your boyfriend because you have cheated. But also because you don't like yourself very much right now and feel ashamed/unworthy. (Which won't be helping you stay off alcohol.) However, this doesn't mean he sees you the same way. He was hurt that you went down his phone and has stuck by you through this darker chapter, sounds to me like you have nothing to worry about. Try and sort yourself out, build up your self belief, and your relationship and the paranoia will pass.
Hope things get better soon.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I think you are afraid he'll cheat because you did, not because he actually cheated. It is possible that she contacted your boyfriend first, or that the situation there is totally platonic. It is also possible that he is cheating, but I'm thinking that is not the case.
I think it's a great idea for you to stop drinking. If I were you, I would re-enter a 12 step program and start going to addicts anonymous meetings. WIth addictions like you have suffered from, it's next to impossible to overcome them yourself. I think you know in your heart that drinking is going to lead back to worse drugs, and with them, your demons and a kind of life you've already spent years trying to overcome.
My final thought is one you may not like very much, but you may want to think about it. You know what they say, a sober person's thoughts are a drunk person's actions. Are you sure that you're happy in this relationship?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 March 2011):
My advice to you is very simple.
You need major psychological help from a professional.
There are so many issues here that no one can give enough advice to cover them all. From cheating, to drinking, to paranoid behaviour (I don't believe your boyfriend has cheated - I think that's your own mind trying to justify your behaviour), and to violence. There is no way that this relationship can last at the rate it's going, and I think when it does collapse (and it will), you'll wind up in a very dark place, either in a bottle, or back on heroin.
Some things for you to think about, as to whether you really believe you should be in a relationship:
1 - If you were serious about your boyfriend, why inside 1 year have you so consistently cheated?
2 - Why did you resort to violence? That's a hugely bad sign.
3 - Why have you become so paranoid over one text? Is that because you're unable to come to terms with your own behaviour?
Unless you get psychological help, you're going to lose everything you've worked hard to get. Get help, now.
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A
male
reader, everythingwillbefine +, writes (2 March 2011):
Is there any way you can call it a draw and move forward?
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