A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey! So, cheated on my bf and I know it was bad and all. So, please, please, please, no judgment. Trying to win him back. He says he loves me, but his trust is gone. Then he came over to my place tonite and tried real hard to have sex.I refused cos it looked pretty sad to me and he said sex would be the best way to win him back and that now I have to humiliate myself and go through hell because I was a slut. He said he'd come over just for sex and that maybe, since he does love me, that might give me a chance to have him back. When I said no sex tonite he just left and slammed the door. I know he's upset, I know I've been an awful person, but man... I don't think he's been acting very classy either, has he? What do you think? Should I give him thoughtles sex and hope to win him back that way? or should I just drop it and look elsewhere? Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 That's just it. There's no excuse for cheating. It's horrible, and you devastate the person you're cheating on, whether married or in a committed relationship. It isn't a "oops, my bad" moment.
I think the reaction here isn't sympathetic to the OP. It's just that the jilted boyfriend's reaction and subsequent demands are really creepy and set the hairs on people's neck on edge. This goes beyond the pale in reactions, and her cheating has exposed a darkness in the boyfriend that quite frankly is disturbing. While some may argue that he would have never done anything like this had she not cheated, I contend that he had this in him before it happened, but it might not have taken this form.
This in no way excuses her from cheating. You, OP, should feel guilty. Your penance isn't in becoming a sex slave. Your repentance should be in never ever letting yourself cheat or lie. You should always stay mindful of the damage that cheating causes, and the reactions of the person being cheated on.
If you're feeling like you want to stray, stop yourself. If you no longer love your boyfriend/spouse, break up before you cheat. If you commit, COMMIT. This means that we have control over our urges and that our brain has command over hormones.
What this guy is suggesting from her is along the same disturbing nature as a guy threatening a girl's life for hurting him. He's told her that she needs to "go through hell" for him. When does it stop? When he shoots her and her new boyfriend? You may think that's impossible, but it's the same kind of disturbing, and all of it is OUT OF BOUNDS. His ego wants satisfaction, and her debasing herself won't feed that ego satisfaction. So he'll demand more.
She needs to get away from him, as everyone has suggested.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): It is doomed now. Most people here seem to have not thought about how hurt he is,however,his behavior still isnt acceptible. You will find that betrayal is the surest way of destroying anything you considered special. Even if you dont break up,the happy times are still just a memory.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): Time to learn from it and move on. He has lost respect for you and has a sick way of showing his disgust. It wont be a normal relationship again. I would like to thank you for aknowledging you were wrong instead of blaming who you cheated on.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2011):
OP, you established that the cheating was wrong. But, cheating doesn't mean the cheated person suddenly has the right to treat you like crap.
The essence of forgiveness is this - the wronged person takes tie to think about what they want. At some point, they make a decision that they want to be with you, and they work with you to understand what went wrong and to move forward with it until a point where they trust you enough to get close again.
Forgiveness doesn't include saying you 'need to humiliate yourself', it does not include calling you a 'slut', it does not include giving the wronged person sex all the time in the hope of forgiveness.
None of what your boyfriend has done is forgiveness, and none of it means you'll get a second chance. Sorry, but all he wants it to hurt you.
The best thing you can now do is end it, cut contact and move on. Do not make this mistake again, or you'll quickly find that any great guys will run a mile, and you'll be left with the scraps. Most importantly, don't be used.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Sex is never going to really win him back, he's just looking to use and degrade you and sees this as the best excuse he'll get to do so. Anyone willing to treat a person like that doesn't deserve the time or effort you're giving him, no exceptions. He has absolutely no respect for you, and this is just his pathetic way of making himself feel better at your expense because he's very, very insecure. Do you really think giving in would fix anything? He won't suddenly decide after a while to man up and treat you as more than a convenient receptacle.
Although cheating is inexcusable, there's never a valid reason to humiliate and degrade someone like that. Things between you two will never be the same, it's better to simply apologize for what you've done and cut all ties.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): He may have had this fantasy for years. He's lost respect for you and i'm afraid he see's you as nothing but a whore. You made a mistake,dont make another by believing your relationship will go back to what it was. Its over.
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A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 i cant believe it, i just cant believe this.and i dont mean your problem, i mean people defending you girl over the guy, now the double standards are against men it seems.you are the one who cheated, and people are defending you, i dont agree with what he is trying to do sure, but of course he would be pissed, and would use you only for sex, since in his eyes you are a slut to him, and he wants to treat you that way.i cant beleive it, you people do agree that what the girl did was wrong, but the boyfriend is pissed and angry(which he has every right to be), and apparently he is the bad guy here. and im sorry, im not trying to judge you, but you are clearly at fault here, and for some reason the simpathy is for you, and i dont get why.just imagine people if someone cheated on you, and you where very angry, and on top of it, people would make you feel bad for that, like if it wasnt a big deal.what im trying to say is that the guy actions are wrong, and is not the right way to deal with them, but i think that resentment is a very logical thing to feel when someone cheats on you, and you take like his offense is greater, and let me tell you people, is not.and in regards to your problem OP, the relationship is doomed, not matter what you do, you guys should end it as soon as you can, that trust will never be gained back now, and now he only wants to use you for sex, so yea, the relationship is pretty much over.
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A
female
reader, Red591 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Your relationship is over. sorry. dont cheat on the next one but you can't be some kind of sex slave with this guy. Just tell him you are forever regretful and end it. He is dealing with it in a very odd way. Its over. move on and don't cheat anymore and good things will come your way
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 I suspect he has fantasized about debasing and degrading someone for some time. Now he thinks your recent indiscretion gives him the perfect opportunity to bring it to fruition without looking like a tyrant.
You're better off without him. He will forever hold this over your head.
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A
female
reader, crummyscreenname +, writes (23 September 2011):
This guy is a douche bag. He's not interested in getting back together with you, he just wants to get laid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): Totally agree with the others.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2011):
 I agree that he's not wanting to win you back he wants to abuse you and make you feel bad. It's a no win situation for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 September 2011):
You're right. He wants to debase you and degrade you. Sex isn't the best way to win him back. He's not wanting to make love. He wants to act out on you. He's calling you slut and telling you to "go through hell"? What does that even mean?
You made a mistake. Cheating is bad, but he doesn't have the right to treat you like this. If he wants you to pay, he needs to break up. Sex isn't a compulsory thing that is punishment, and I guarantee that if you give in, he'll still leave you.
You need to leave him. In order to stay a couple, both of you need to be committed to rebuilding trust, and his actions aren't the way.
Your relationship is over. You can either drag it out and be treated like dirt, or you can end things and vow to not cheat ever again on anyone. You've apologized. It's not his place to treat you like this.
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A
male
reader, notanemo +, writes (23 September 2011):
dump him hes not being right minded to your feelings. He may be the type that thinks if you do it to one person you will do it to everyone so now he feels that you will give it to him. Hes using your feelings and manipulating you to get hatever he wants remember hes a guy and us guys like sex. And will try anything for it even if it means hurting someone we "love". date men not dicks!
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A
male
reader, notanemo +, writes (23 September 2011):
dump him hes not being right minded to your feelings. He may be the type that thinks if you do it to one person you will do it to everyone so now he feels that you will give it to him. Hes using your feelings and manipulating you to get hatever he wants remember hes a guy and us guys like sex. And will try anything for it even if it means hurting someone we "love". date men not dicks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): I don't think he wants you to pay, I think he was just looking for an opportunity to humiliate you sexually...the same way he felt sexually humiliated when you cheated on him. I also think you made the right choice refusing him in that instance. But, I have no idea why you are trying to win back a guy who resorts to sexual manipulations (...and transparently sadistic manipulations) in the first place?You might have just given us the tip of the iceberg that went on between you two, but you might want to conserve your energy and not even try to win this guy back. When the trust between two people is gone, there is no way to prove anything.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 No way, he does not plan on giving you a second chance. Sorry, but you got rid of trust. He's calling you a slut and wants to treat you like such to see you degraded/dehumanized as revenge. If you want to retain your dignity you need to just move on.
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