A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been dating my boyfriend that's about 8 years older than me for over two years now. For the last six months or so, I feel like our relationship has been quite stale and stagnate. I have learned to accept this because he is in his 30s and I'm in my early 20s. For the last two years of my college life, I've literally stayed home every weekend and watched movies on Netflix with him. I've been quite content with it most of the time. Until about three weeks ago.He came down with the flu and literally wanted nothing to do with me because he felt so sick. Every time I tried to visit him and bring him soup or something, he just complained about it and didn't necessarily appreciate my help in the moment. I knew he really did love what I was doing but he didn't show it. Anyway, it became really exhausting dealing with this almost daily for over a week and a half while I was dealing midterms. So the weekend he finally was feeling better, I was invited to a small house party and so was he. The party went until six in the morning the next day which I've never experienced before. I had so much fun and didn't want it to stop. So for the rest of the weekend, I hung out with the same few people from the party minus my boyfriend who didn't want to participate. All of a sudden, I found myself completely wasted in bed naked, making out with someone I've been crushing on for quite some time. For a whole week, I felt completely fine and guilt free. I've never "cheated" on anyone before and suddenly, I'm finding myself realizing that's exactly what I did. At first, it didn't bother me because I really enjoyed myself but now, I'm having trouble looking my own boyfriend in the eye as well as the guy I made out with. It's so frustrating because I know that if I'd been sober, IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED and now I don't know what to do because I had way more to drink than ever at that point. I've made arrangements with the guy that I made out with to talk to him and find out if it was just a stupid hook up or if there was meaning behind it. Over a week later, it finally kicked in what happened. I just don't know what to say to either of them. For the first time, I can't talk to my boyfriend and for the first time, I realized I'm another stupid bitch that cheated on her boyfriend. I just don't knwo what to do . I never intended for any of this but now my emotions are going haywire and I'm so scared I'm making the biggest mistake ever.Have you ever cheated and how do you fix it?? I feel so horrible.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 February 2014):
 You did what you had to do...no excuses now. You cant undo it, erase it or change it but you can end the relationship because I don't think any relationship that has cheating involved, is worth salvaging.
There is obviously something missing in your relationship which caused you to stray. You're not another selfish bitch OP, despite what you did. Yes, it was wrong but at least you know and admit that it was wrong. Nothing to be done now except to break up and never repeat this again. Cheating causes you nothing but pain.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 February 2014):
1 - Nothing happens "all of a sudden." You made choices to get you into that position
2 - That you can cheat and use an excuse that he basically wasn't paying attention to you because he was sick as problematic, to put it lightly.
3 - As others have said, you cannot come back from cheating, and you can never undue it. You can only be honest and let him decide what HE wants to do...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): i've never cheated, but i can say, that the only way to fix it is to have a chat with both of them. isn't that what you're planning to do? you need to tell your bf, if it was a drunken mistake. and, you're not a stupid bitch. if you were a bitch, you wouldn't give a shit about your bf's feelings, bitches are snobby without any feelings. you're just a girl who cheated whilst being drunk. so talk to both of them. decide who you have a crush on more. your bf or the other guy. if you have more feelings for your bf, then tell the other guy that you never want that to happen again.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2014):
 My first thought was "why does it matter if it was a hook up or it meant more?" but I will get to that…. I think that’s the key issue for me and why I’m going to take the “break up with him” tack. But read on.
Then I read more and i realized, that the "cheating" was part of the bigger picture.. and that is that you are unhappy in the relationship you are in now... You don't want to admit it but it's true. And by “cheating” you are giving your boyfriend a reason to end the relationship so you don’t have to break up with him.
“I feel like our relationship has been quite stale and stagnate.” Feeling a relationship is stale and stagnate is not the sign that all is well or that the relationship has settled. There is a difference between settled and stale.
“I have learned to accept this” NO you learned to TOLERATE it. IF you ACCEPTED it you would not find the relationship stale and stagnant.
“I had so much fun and didn't want it to stop. So for the rest of the weekend, I hung out with the same few people from the party minus my boyfriend who didn't want to participate.” AH the crux of the issue… YOU had fun. YOU ENJOYED being a young 20 something and your OLD boyfriend didn’t want to. This is hard for you to accept but this is going to be your life now if you stay with this guy.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m a huge supporter of age gap relationships. My husband is 13 years YOUNGER than I am. BUT we have the same ideas of what’s fun and we are both older than you. Larger Age gaps only work well IMO when the younger partner is out of school and at least 25. Right now you and your bf have very different lives and needs. They are clashing.
“All of a sudden, I found myself completely wasted in bed naked, making out with someone I've been crushing on for quite some time.” OP you have been crushing on someone else… that alone should tell you something… Happy contented people get crushes too. BUT they are fleeting and are not carried around for “some time”. And this was not ALL OF A SUDDEN. You stayed at this party without your bf, in the vicinity of your crush, while indulging in large enough amounts of liquid courage to manage a cheat that probably in your subconscious was semi-planned. You want out… you just didn’t know how to do it and this was your gateway…
Now you have made arrangements with your crush to see if it was a hook up or if there was meaning… WHY does that matter to you? Because if there was MEANING TO IT, I’m betting you will find a way to end it with the boyfriend. SO why not END it with the boyfriend whether there was meaning or not? Why is the need for another man to be ready to have you so crucial for you to do the right thing?
You can’t fix cheating. You can move on from it. IF You want to stay with a stale and stagnant relationship that will now have trust issues (rightfully so on his part) then you should do that but I think that this is the beginning of the end for your relationship with the older boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 “At first, it didn't bother me because I really enjoyed myself but now,”Alcohol or not, it would have happened eventually. The alcohol just made it happen sooner, because you wanted to do it. You would have felt guilty the moment you sobered up. The only reason I see you are feeling guilty is for this reason… “if it was just a stupid hook up or if there was meaning behind it.” If you knew the guy wanted you as bad as you wanted him, there would be no guilt. Now you are worried about losing what you have for someone you are not sure about.From what I can tell by your story, you are pretty bored in your relationship, and wanted to explore this new guy. I say you break things off with your now boyfriend before you end hurting him more.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 I cheated on an ex in almost identical circumstances... And it was the end of our relationship, even if it took us another two years to break up. I was exactly the same, I didn't even really feel guilty, but my difference was I told her straight away. I got home from spending the night with another woman and told her up front. She never forgave me, I think over the next two years we had sex maybe 5 times, but she never admitted that. We broke up eventually and I really wish we'd both been honest with ourselves and broken up a long time before... Me cheating was a symptom, rather than the cause of our problems.There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend. He is probably a great guy and ticks all the boxes, but there is something missing in your relationship. I don't doubt you love him and he loves you back, but if you are prepared to risk that relationship, whether drunk or sober for 30 minutes of pleasure then you need to sit down with him and talk about your relationship or just end it. If I were you, I wouldn't tell him you cheated. Having to deal with the guilt of knowing what you've done is its own special punishment. I don't know if you can get over it, you need to decide that b yourself.All the best.
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male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (19 February 2014):
 Greetings,There is always an excuse for cheating from what I've seen in life however the worst one is the excuse of alcohol, almost every time it is said that if they weren't drunk it would never happen yet no-one learns from this.Alcohol is known to lower inhibitions and you clearly point out several things.1) That you are frustrated in your current relationship2) You've had a crush with the guy whom you slept with.3) You feel trapped.Therefore I must concur with fellow advisor,Leave your bf but not for the reason of hooking up with the other guy as that is infuriatingly insulting for your current bf.Steer clear of this new guy and don't even think about asking if there was meaning behind it as you'll then give yourself a reason and another excuse for this cheat.You really need to re-evaluate your situation, ALONE.No other guys in the picture so you can clearly ask yourself why you got with the older bf if you knew things would be acting like a young kid
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): "I've made arrangements with the guy that I made out with to talk to him and find out if it was just a stupid hook up or if there was meaning behind it."I think what you've done is wrong and what you're doing right now even after you cheated is wrong. The fact that you're meeting with the guy you hooked up with even though your still with your boyfriend is discusting. You've cheated on your boyfriend, and no offence but he deserves better than somebody like you. Alcohol is no excuse. Does that mean if HE gets drunk and hooks up with a girl at a party, it's ok because it was alcohol that did it, not him? Do yourself a favour and break up with him. Don't tell him you've cheated, it'll just break his heart and he'll probably never trust another person properly again. Unfortunately it's people like you who make the good people put up their brick wall. Next time, break up with him beforehand.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (19 February 2014):
You can't fix it, you can either own up and see if your boyfriend forgives you or you can end it yourself. And personally I think you should go with the latter.If you read your post back, you are basically saying that you think your boyfriend is boring and is holding you back. You also say you didn't care for a full WEEK that you had cheated on him because you enjoyed it. What part of that sounds like you care about him at all? If you want to go out and party and hook up with random guys then that's your choice. You can't blame your boyfriend for staying in every weekend since you have also been a willing participant. But clearly now that's not enough for you, which is fine, but that means you need to set him free to find someone who is ready to settle down with him. And you do that BEFORE you talk to the other guy. It's not fair to keep your boyfriend hanging on incase the other guy was just after a fling.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 February 2014):
 You cannot blame alcohol. You are not happy with the BF and you clearly see the age gap as a set back in your life and you still want to go out and party, where as the BF is in a different phase of his life. The right thing to do is end things and spare him the heartache by disclosing the affair. There is no fixing this as there is something missing in the relationship for you and you are likely to repeat this mistake.
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