A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody I came here to vent and maybe someone can help me out. I'm lost and sad. I spent the past 4 and half years chasing after a man who come to find out had a fiancee. I found that out half way through but didn't leave him since he kept promising me he was gonna move out from living with her and in with me after she had the baby. He said he didn't want to leave her while she was pregnant because he didn't want her to be depressed and have a miscarrage. Well here it is 2 years lateer and he's still with her and everytime I bring up when he's gonna leave he always uses his son about how he wants to wait for his son to be a little older. I've tried going on dates to get away from him but to no avail I clicked with any of them except one man that I met through a mutual friend. I'l call him Marvin. Marvin treated me like I was a queen. I feel terrible because I basically used to him to fill those lonely nights, days and weekends when my Kevin wasn't able to be with me. I started falling in love with Marvin which made me resent him because it made me feel like I was cheating on Kevin. Stupid me. I treated kevin mean and like he was my servant. He catered to me which is what kevin could only do on those rare occassions we could sneak a few hours away. Fast forward. I'm still waiting around on Marvin but tonight I don't care to wait on him anymore because tonight I realized that I actually love Marvin more than I love Kevin when Marvin left me message that he can't meet with me anymore because he's going to start dating a woman he met online two months ago. I knew about her but I didn't take him serious about asking her to be his girlfriend if I didn't walk away from Kevin. I have been crying ever since hearing his message four hours ago. I tried to call him to bare my love for him over Kevin and ask him to be exclusive with me but everytime the other woman answered his phone. I did treat him awful last weekend so I'm wondering if that's what made him give up on me. I can't take back the things I said. I lost the best man ever. I haven't answered any of Kevin's calls. I sent him a email ending it and I've changed my phone number but I texted it to Marvin. Why didn't I do this when Marvin cried and begged for me to be all his? Is there any hope for me to get Marvin's forgiveness for how mean I was to him and that he will believe I love him and that I'm not just trying to interfere with his new relationship. Marvin is my man and he needs to know this is truer than true can be. I'm stupid. Is there hope? No man can take Marvin's place.
View related questions:
depressed, fiance, met online, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): You don't have any dignity cause if you did you wouldn't be going after other womens men. Get dignity!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): You said no man can take Marvin's place. Use that realiation as a lesson and role-model the way Marvin treats people and that way a man will start treating you like no woman can take your place like kevin and marvin did ya. I wage they aren't the only men who have replaced ya.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 January 2011):
I was played around by a girl once. She knew I fancied her, and she made me run around a bit too much. Needless to say I saw the light and got away from her. She then came out and said she fancied me - but it was too late. And I didn't give her another chance.
I'm afraid there is little hope here. When a man falls in love, he really falls in love. Once he falls out of love, it's gone. And I think whatever Marvin felt for you is gone now. If he was here asking whether to get back with you, I'd tell him to run.
The clearest signal you have now is that the other woman answers the phone rather than Marvin. He is making it hugely clear he has moved on.
You now need to move on too. Please learn from this and never make the mistake of treating a good guy this badly again. Hopefully, if you do learn from this, the next time you do come across a good guy, you'll keep him.
And do not contact Marvin again - it will appear only as if you are trying to ruin his new relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (28 January 2011):
It's funny that you said "No man can take Marvin's place" and you kept playing with him until he left.
How come Marvin was such a wonderful guy and you left him as your second option. Right after a guy who played with you for more than four years?
Let me quote you again "Why didn't I do this when Marvin cried and begged for me to be all his?" Because you thought that Marvin was a fool willing to keep waiting for ever.
I think you ended Kevin after realizing that Marvin was about to leave you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Leave him alone. It's not fair to him. You've hurt him enough I'm sure. Let him be loved the right way by his girlfriend. You said yourself that you used him, treated him bad and made him cry and beg for you. That's not how anyone should be treated or made to fall to. Stay away from him. You had your chance and blew it to pieces! You made your own miserable bed so now you're having to sleep in it all alone by your own doing!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 January 2011):
 People fear being alone, being without a prtner, being single. They move from one partner to another to staunch the flow of pain and loneliness when things go wrong because they cannot bear to just be...
I think this is what has happened to you. I know Kevin has made some terrible life choices that have destroyed your relationship with him. He has chosen to stay with the mother of his child, which isn't that unusual. You didn't give yourself time to grieve for the endof that relationship and rushed into something with Marvin...then the confusion began.
It's impossible to establish a relationship with one person when you haven't recovered from a previous love...it just don't work, and especially so if your a woman.
Because you were craving Kevin, it made you treat Marvin badly and he has moved on.
It's too late to save anything now. You could apologise but I can see from what you wrote that you arn't thinking clearly. You say you don't want to interfere with Marvins new relationship but in the next sentence you say 'Marvin is my man'!!...Darling Marvin WAS your man, but he's NOT your man now!!
It's a bitter pill and it seems so unfair, but you had your chance and you blew it.
Women always come off worse in these situations...they crave past loves for much longer and theywear guilt like a sheild of armour.
What do you need?...time on your own to grieve and deal with all that has happened. You need to rationalise what went wrong and why, and then you need to forgive yourself and try to move on.
Don't fear single time, embrace it and use it to improve yourself and decide what you want from future relationships. There will always be new loves that come along and the better, happier and more confident you are...the better the men you attract.
It's not easy to do, but nothing that is worth the effort ever is.
Good luck and I hope your confusion and pain ends soon.
AE xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 You cannot do anything right now. He has someone and you have to move on. It might feel difficult but it is necessary, you cannot wait around and you cannot feed yourself delusions that he would break up with her for you which may or may not actually happen but nevertheless, it is not something you can cling on to. You have to move on from this and ensure that you never make these mistakes again. Sorry.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
