A
male
age
41-50,
*unilal
writes:Dear friends,I am hoping to find a way on how to handle a situation. Me and wife (23) are married for 3 years now and for the last 2 years my youngest brother stays with us for study. He and my wife are close in their age. He is just 19 months lesser than her. Few days back my wife complained me about my brothers inappropriate behavior towards her. He never miss any chance to get a physical contact with her. He even brushed on her breasts as if those were accidents. She mentioned that it was for some times now this goes on and I need to speak to him.My suggestion was not to mock at him and I told her to handle it herself with care. All he want may be to touch or be pretty close. So I told her not to be very conservative and let her to allow him to touch or sometimes if possible she to grab him etc. At his age it must be normal for such feelings.Last time when I reached home from office bit early than usual, I did not see the front room have light. I thought they might have gone out for a purchase. Then I heard sounds from bath room. I lit the torch on my mobile and looked through the window to see what was the sound. What I saw was quite thunder for me. I saw both of their dresses were thrown just at the bathroom doorstep. I saw her inners also lying there. They were evidently taking a bath(nude) together. I waited for some more time, switched off torch. Heard the common bath door opening and in bathroom light I were able to see both them nude. I did not wait there and went out to a shop to spent time. I came after 30 minutes or so. The everything was very normal and they both were behaving as nothing happened between them.I am waiting still for her to tell me anything about it.Our relationship is very open to each other and we never used to keep secrets. It is just that she does not tell to me is making me upset. I am not sure if they involved in love making. But it is not brother sister relationship.What can I do here? Please help. I do not think shifting my brother out is not the exact solution. If she has a tendency to indulge in making out with others, she would be able to find another easily.What do you suggest, should I ask her or shall I wait for her to tell me? I am not in a mode to investigate and find out if they had sex. I just want to believe in what she says.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): You are so right. There is solution for everything,Ignorant with your way of handling the situation need to be change.First Analyze there situation and study more about life and be clever.Act fastIf you feel like want to Sort your problem with love then you are going right way.it is the best way, you will gain true respect, and much more then your expection.
A
male
reader, sunilal +, writes (23 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All Aunts,
In fact discussion went in a different line than where I started. My worry was "shall I ask her of the relation".
or should I wait till she speaks by self.
thank you all, as I got a place to speak out then I were able to make up my mind to ask. I think I i were not doing that I would have grown as a doubting partner.
A place to open up and a place where people speak up is what gave a consoling feeling. Sometimes/Always the answers for every questions lies in ourself but all we need to talk about it.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Well then just move on. I am not entirely certain why you posted on this site if you are ok with it. Plus, she DID tell you about the brother because you told her to go ahead and brush up against him. I think you just go on your merry way and let them do what they will. Doesn't seem to bother you much.
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male
reader, sunilal +, writes (22 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish to reply to the anonymous user.
"This might not make sense to you, but you wife is cheating on you!" --- she never cheated on me as their is no hide N seek.
In fact if she really does not like me, she should leave me and go. But she will not as we know each other.
As for she using me: if she wish so that is my wish.
If I divorce her or kick my brother out, I can not remove both their mind sets.
I am not bearing what I have. I enjoy what I have. I amd my wife think together.
Wish God's grace will always be with us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): hello,
Ok well you really need to divorce her! If your brother is having sex with your wife, kick him out of your house! This might not make sense to you, but you wife is cheating on you!
Open your eyes! If you allow this, she thinks it's OK to love and have sex with another man: even your OWN BROTHER!! They saw each other nude. What do you think that leads to? SEX. You have to understand your wife doesn't love you, she loves your brother.
She is just using you.
I highly suggest that you divorce her. or at least kick your brother out of your house.
Hope you will be ok.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (20 August 2012):
Most people also attach commitment, loyalty, and respect to love. Your brother and wife have neither...for themselves or you.
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A
male
reader, sunilal +, writes (20 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi dMartin89,the lines [ To some people, jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of love and care, but I really dont understand how you could attatch two such negative and destructive emotions to love. They are both emotions that stem from inadequacey and low self esteem issues.] are very much accurate in our opinion.I feel love should not be a slavery that your body is just alone for me. instead "I believe your entire heart is for me. It is not just your body I love but it is the person in you". I know my wife how good she is. she is kind, polite and a very good home maker. in mind I do not want to restrict her for having some relax/enjoyment to keep her energy up and running.In this case she did not get time and chance to speak with me prior. She told that she was not prepared for an intercourse. It happened all in a sudden when her blood ran quite faster. But I think I need to care the social norms as well.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 OP, i do understand the type of relationship you have with your wife. My partner and I are Poly - we believe that love can be shared and multiplied and we dont believe to confining ourselves to what society believes is the only option. Many people cant understand that it is ok to love and feel attraction to others than your partner. Variety is the spice of life, we love having the ability to have a relationship without jealousy or possessiveness. To some people, jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of love and care, but I really dont understand how you could attatch two such negative and destructive emotions to love. They are both emotions that stem from inadequacey and low self esteem issues.
However, it sounds like you and your wife have not properly 'layed down the rules'. It was wrong of her to get involved with your brother before discussing it as a possibility beforehand. If you want to be in an open or poly relationship then your communication needs to be so fantastic that you know her intentions with someone before she tells you and the other way around. From what you have said, she doesnt know how you are feeling about this incident with her brother. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation. Ask her all the questions you need to. Be clear with eachother so you can move forward knowing what's ok and what isnt.
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A
male
reader, sunilal +, writes (19 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must respect you all. I will talk with her regarding this and be heading towards close of this happenings.
thank you all.
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A
male
reader, sunilal +, writes (19 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes Karlos, what you tell is correct. but i have another justification here, does that mean he cares my brother more than me when she do it.
she told that it is a difference which interests. I never found her any less caring to me.
actually I have this general doubt. why do we bind marriage and sex so closer and tighter.
almost everybody(actually quite many) has extra marital affairs. many does not tell it to partners.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): Your Wife deserves your undivided loyalty. And your respect.Why should your wife have to accomodate your younger brother's sexual urges? Your wife is not a sexual plaything to be tossed around to your family members. Tell your younger brother to find his own woman.Your brother is also disrespecting you by touching your wife. But remember you gave the permission for it to happen. and I quote your words:"not to mock at him and I told her to handle it herself with care. All he want may be to touch or be pretty close. So I told her not to be very conservative and let her to allow him to touch or sometimes if possible she to grab him etc."Are you suggesting your brother is so sensitive that no one is allowed to say NO to your brother?I think it is time you arranged alternative accommodation for your brother. He has no place in the home of you and your wife any more. He has gone way too far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): Denying your wife sexual relations with another man isn't possessive behaviour. Its a natural reaction for any man who loves his wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): Caring for your wife doesn't include considering her sexual desires for other men, you should satisfy her as her husband yourself so she won't feel the desire to stray away. And likewise for women with their husbands too... That's all.
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male
reader, sunilal +, writes (19 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif I care for her I should respect her sexual feelings as well. Possessiveness can not be accounted as love.It is a point that as a family we should not be looking for sexual partners.Ladies please share your thoughts, in case if you find sex outside marriage and do you really want your husband to divorce you. There was an occasion I told her that I like to have sex with our neighbor. If she was discouraging me talking and blamed me? Instead she told that it is just normal to feel this way.May be I am a gross.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): I'm sorry my friend, but she MUST find your marriage boring if she feels the need to fool around with your brother and if you ask me, there is already an emotional connection between them and probably has been for a very long time, but you've chosen to turn a blind eye to it just as you're doing now. Do you even love her? Because I couldn't allow a woman I love sleep with another man, much less my own brother. A woman needs a man to show her that he loves, respects and cares for her, and by you allowing this to go as far as it has done, she's clearly come to the conclusion that you DON'T!This situation is a mess, and if you want my advice - DIVORCE her! Because I don't see how this situation benefits the marriage one bit. Perhaps she will be better off with your brother, he's not even married to her yet he's far more passionate about her than you seem to be.
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male
reader, sunilal +, writes (19 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all of you. it was minds game. I should have asked her directly.
I did that last night. I asked her "if you get a chance do you make love with another person". She told that she knows why I ask this. e she told my bro that she understands his intentions. she told him that it is ok.
My bro told that he s bit very close to her. a day hugged her from back while she was running away with his college bag. she felt it warm and she initiated him to sex. she asked whether I mind it. I assured her to go ahead. discussion came in a healthy way.
she is getting a kinky feel with him. My advice was to play it safe with protection and telling him upfront that there is no emotions involved.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 August 2012):
I agree with Karlos. I am also not sure why you are upset with her not telling you about everything if you don't care if she sleeps around. I'd just say "Did you sleep with him? How was it?" I mean, you are husband and wife and yet you're not sure how to ask this question? It seems pretty straightforward to me.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 August 2012):
 Sunilal,
I know that I am speaking from outside your culture, so what I am saying may not make sense to you. Much of your situation does not make sense to me. I'm just trying to answer your question, as well as I can.
Your main question is why is your wife not telling you about this. I see two possibilities. The difference is based on her motivation. First, she seemed bothered by your brothers earlier actions. If that is still true he may be forcing or coercing her. She felt your response was unsatisfactory last time so she doesn't trust you to handle it right if she brings the trouble to you again. Second she is willingly acting with your brother. She may feel she has permission, but the thrill of cheating is greatly in not being caught. Telling you would spoil her fun.
These are reasons she may not want to talk to you. I think you need to be stronger if you want her to have more confidence in you.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): Excuse me for re-posting to this question, but I've only just received follow-up notification and it appears to have been added before the majority of answers including mine.
You don't mind if your wife has sex with other guys, including your brother?
The fact that she hasn't told you or you think she wouldn't if you asked, is worse than the fact that its happened in the first place?
Well my previous advice has no justification on this post.
Why not just ask her then, she may tell you she may not but really, does that matter since you don't mind her sleeping around anyway?
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A
male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (18 August 2012):
"He even brushed on her breasts as if those were accidents. She mentioned that it was for some times now this goes on and I need to speak to him. ...
My suggestion was not to mock at him and I told her to handle it herself with care. All he want may be to touch or be pretty close. So I told her not to be very conservative and let her to allow him to touch or sometimes if possible she to grab him etc. At his age it must be normal for such feelings."
bSo, you essentially gave your wife permission to allow your brother to get handsy with her and now you're concerned they might have had sex?
You do see that, right?/b
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): I'm pretty certain she was as indulgent in the touching of him as she said he was with her, except she lied and blamed it all on him. She knew you wouldn't be assertive about the situation, so took advantage and continued behind your back.
I very much doubt she will come clean and admit anything to you, as I said she lied before, and as long as you're willing to keep them both under your roof, they have a free ticket to do as they please.
I wouldn't just hand the blame over to your wife, just because your brother is your brother. They are both adults and are very aware of their behaviour, and they have BOTH betrayed your hospitality and trust.
I'm not saying there's any need to be aggressive or violent towards them, but I DO think its time to put your foot down and kick them both out.
They're probably going to carry on regardless anyway as there's clearly attraction between them, so I think I would rather them do it out of my view, than under my roof.
You do not need affirmation anyway from either of them that it happened, you just need to tell them both they're out on their backsides because you know what you saw and heard and you would have no reason to kick them both out if nothing happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2012): I am not in any way. Condoning what they did but she did go to you for help and you told her to deal with it and let him grab her. You need to sit down with your wife and possibly have your brother move out to work on your marriage. Try marriage counseling and really try to see if it was one time, your brother should move out.
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male
reader, sunilal +, writes (18 August 2012):
sunilal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks bondgirl for responding,
I do not mind she having sex with another person (even my brother). I am worried over why does not she tell me about it. Could be shyness or fear of how I will respond. But she knows that I am open.
I can never leave her. My life will be with her in any cause.
Could you please suggest a way that I can get her to talk to me with out me asking it? I wish she to have that confidence in me. I want to let her know that she should not be afraid of me. I want to indirectly indicate that she can tell it. but how????? could you guys please help.
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female
reader, diamondshards  +, writes (18 August 2012):
So, if I understood this correctly, you knew your brother had been touching your wife inappropriately because she complained about it with you and told you to do something to make him stop and your reply was not to be conservative and let him touch her and even touch him herself at times, is this right? So, why are you displeased with finding them together in a bathtub? What did you exactly expect- that they would have just been content with touching each other without doing anything more? Unlikely scenario, I'd say. But most of all, I'm appalled as to why you'd let your brother touch your wife and tell her to quit being such a prude when she complained about it to you. What is she to you, a step along your brother's sexual learning process? I find your answer has been extremely disrespectful toward her- sure, it would have been different if he was just hugging her, kissing her cheek and touching her affectionately but NOT sexually, but touching her breasts is far from that and clearly proved where his intentions were from the start- having sex with her. You let it happen- so no, it's no 'brother sister relationship' between them, as you say, because no sane and healthy brother touches his sister's breasts, which you knew from the start, so, again, why so surprised? She came out and told you his behaviour was bothering her and you told her to deal with it herself and let him- it's exactly what she's doing, following your advice.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 August 2012):
They are two grown adults and you found them in the bathtub together. What do you think? Do you think they had sex?
This is what happens when men and women are supposedly "just friends"...they end up doing something like this. This is bad, but it happens to be twice as bad because it's your brother. Apparently neither of them respect you and didn't really care whether they got caught.
If you want an open marriage, you could discuss this. The only other option is separating from your wife while you discuss possible options. Like you say, if she is one one strays...at some point, you are going to have to decide whether you are staying or leaving.
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