A
male
age
36-40,
*thacachris
writes:Hello. I have been dating a wonderful girl for a little over a year now. We live together, love each other deeply, and I know she wants to marry me (though I feel we are too young right now to do so).My problem is that over the course of our relationship I have learned more and more about her sexual history. Sometimes she will initiate the information, other times I ask for it after she plants the seed of mystery in me and I am desperate to learn more. I lost my virginity to her. Prior to me she has slept with as far as I know four other guys, two were boyfriends, two were drunken one night stands. I have learned things I wish I hadn't, such as the two times we hooked up before dating she had slept with her ex earlier in the night in both instances. Once she was forced into giving oral sex, and then continued to see this guy and let it happen at least twice more. I've learned of several other non-intercourse hook ups she has had, some with people I know, some with people she is still friends with. One time I was at a bar with her as friends and she left with another guy (one of the one night stands) even after I begged her not to leave with him. This information destroys me. I have images in my head that I cannot get rid of. When these things come up in conversation I get really upset and then she gets mad at me for making her feel like a slut. I hate myself for this. Her past is her past and I have no right to be upset over it. It is also about my own insecurities - sometimes I am bitter that I was not having sex when she was, other times I feel inadequate as a lover (though she tells me I am not and we have done things she's never done with anyone). I'd hate to lose her, but at the same time I don't know if these thoughts and images will ever go away, and though it doesn't bother me right now I worry that in time, if we do marry, I will regret having only slept with one woman in my life. What do I do? Suggestions? Similar experiences? Am I an ass? Most importantly - how can I better express these feelings to her without making her upset and feel like a slut??????
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male
reader, mdel +, writes (11 February 2015):
Well, I found this post because I find myself waking at night to incredibly sexual dreams of my girlfriend with other men. Sometimes they are previous lovers from her wild youth, sometimes they are men I see that I think she may find attractive.
I'm quite a bit older than most posting here. Im 40. My girl just turned 30. Shes super hot, and is open about how sexual she is and was. Part of what drew me to her. We both have been married, both have 2 kids each.
Hers the thing, as far as I know, I've had more partners than her, I was more wild, partied more, far more indescriminate. She claims 15 men plus another 10 just oral sex. Ive been with 28/29 women before her. No clue how many partial sexual encounters I've had. At first we were very open about it, and told each other everything. Keep in mind, most women downplay how many they have been with so our numbers may be closer than shes admitting. I don't mind. I reallly dont judge. But as we got closer, as we fell in love she became uncomfortable hearing about my sexual exploits, and redirected the convo when they came up. But I still for a while found it sexy to hear about her going down on a random guy she met in a bar, or had one date with. Hell, thats how our own first date went. So I dont judge.
But lately those dreams have been keeping me awake. I sit up and I'm overwhelmed by jealousy. This is the most amazing woman I've ever met, Ifully intend to marry her. BUt suddenly the thought of her so freely giving it up to anyone that she wasnt serious with makes me uncomfortable.
And guess what? That's EXACTLY how she feels. It just took me longer to get there.
This, I'm sad to say, may never go away. all of us, her, me, you, may spend years thinking about some person who means nothing to you recieving that gift from our loved one so freely. Did they deserve it? I dont know. Do we?
They certainly thought so at the time. May be some of those were mistakes, or youthful indiscretions. Maybe that's not who they are now. It's certainy not who I am.
I had two full on affairs in my last marriage, plus multiple flings. That's who I was then. I grew. I learned. I found someone who makes me think of no one else.
Therepy helps. Comunication is key. Details are not.
I know we all wonder if maybe our partner really just wants a boatload of multiple partners, but to be honest, our partners think that about us too.
Judge not, lest ye be judged, and all that, right?
good luck to all of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): I get it totally, over the course of a year I have learned some things about my bf that I can't get out of my head. The sexual past he has had would scare/gross most people out. He seems to be proud of it, I never asked he just kept telling stories. I almost feel scammed a bit, it was like he waited until I had deep feelings and then unleashed it?? I've tried to express my feelings and not that good at it, comes out all wrong and end up arguing - told I am too insecure and get over it??? When I feel the conversation is starting to go in a direction a sexual direction of past gf's I totally change the topic 90% of the time it works. He has told me by talking about our past sexual stories will set the mood, to me it's living in the past and get on with it. If it was sexual talk between us about us by all means..yeah! His past is his past and I get that, I had a sexual past as well and a marriage. I don't know...haha
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): dear friend as much as it hurts me to say is that ive been in your shoes but instead of 1 year say 3 and a half not much of difference i swear i got happy sad and pissed when i read this for once theres someone that understands my pain and pissed cuz there is someone that feels this shit anyways no your not an ass your in love and a human being with feelings my girl ...i ment my ex added injury to insult also cheated and blames me if i cant forget bout it complains the same thing u said and says i dont love her enough dude everytime it pops in ur head go do somthin about it trust me telling her wont do no good and if u sleep with other women shit u'll make it worst just let it go the hardest yet simplest thing cuz i know how hard it is to be with someone in bed and ur imagine how she was in bed with others hope it ment anythin or helped goodluck
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reader, diamondave +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Retroactive Jealousy.
There is no solution and it does not go away. Either you live with it or you don't.
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reader, businessasusual  +, writes (6 June 2010):
Oh I was doing some reading earlier and I came across a topic called Retroactive Jealousy. I think it's worth looking into. Just thought i'd share.
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male
reader, businessasusual +, writes (4 June 2010):
Well this is a refresher to see that there are other people in my similar situation and i'm not a complete nutter.I've got basically the same issue with my girlfriend - i've never had sex before (though given numerous opportunities) because I was saving myself for marriage and/or the right girl. She on the other hand did it with about 3 other people when she was between the ages of 15 and 18. We got together when she was 18 going on 19. One part of the problem is that I know or have seen the other guys she's done it with, one of them is her best friend from childhood actually.Like some of the posters here, I too get carried away and start wondering what those sexual encounters must have been like. Sometimes after we get intimate and she's left and i'm in a quiet moment, I feel hurt in knowing that someone else, some time ago made her do and feel just like what I did. I feel like what I do is nothing new or special to her (even though she re-assures me so). I find it very disturbing that I do this btw.What's makes it worse for me is the fact that we've been together for a little over a year now and she won't have sex with me, whereas she was only together with the other guys for about 3 to 7 months in different cases. Her reasons for not doing it with me are for the right reasons (pleasing God by keeping "pure" until marriage) and I can understand that seeing as we share the same faith, but the human side of me wishes it could be different. I ALWAYS wanted my first time to be with a virgin. It gets worse when we're talking about certain things and she says "I gave up my virginity at 15"... etc. That hurts so much... I wanted that!! I find myself often wondering why she didn't wait for me, and on the flip side I often wonder why did I bother waiting so long and lose out on my chances to have so many other virgins if the one I was going to marry wasn't going to be one.It's a terrible place of thought to be and I wish that the images and obsessions would just go away. Other than that she's about the best girl for me in all the world and I don't intend on losing her off of crap like this.I hate for this to be just another story post, but I can't offer any suggestions except constant prayer for an even more Christ-like loving heart and a strong ability to selectively forget.Any shrinks out there willing to give some free advice?
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reader, the_stranger +, writes (4 June 2010):
in my expierence most guys who feel this way are usually intelegent, creative, witty men, it is a curse that we find women like this, we fall so deeply yet feel equally disgusted that the goddess we worship is flawed, the girl who took my virginity was my first expierence with the "horror" as i call it, i kept it inside, she was mentally abusive, and compared me to ex's, this killed me, but i gave her a child the one thing she had never had with another man, given the tense iv use u may have gathered she is an ex, iv had sex with many people since then, but with my current gf i get the horror yet again, but i found solice in the fact that a dont treat her like her ex's, i dont beat her, hell i dont even get angry, my advice is find the things that put u above the curb, after that swallow the images, find a hobby or addiction, force yourself to not think of anything sexual, i asked my gf to cut all ties with those with dicks and who shes fucked, it isnt an easy conversation but it helps alot, and when u ask her about sexual expierences make sure u r on some kind of mood suppresent, im perscribed dexidrain, its like adderal kind of, it makes u unemotional and more accepting/analytical, it helped me see its nothing to worry about, it would be insane to not be bothered by these things, its how u see that she is with you and not some other guy, she thinks ur her world, dont let her past break u, sry lol i got carried away, if u guys need any further help hit me up [email address blocked] and those of u in the us ask for my number and we can text
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): I'm going through the same thing man. I've been going out with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I'm 19 and shes 22 and she has slept with 20-30 guys. I have only slept with her and her past has killed me so much it literally has ruined my sex life. Sometimes (not as of late) I can't get it up and she wonders but I have never told her that I lost my virginity to her. The thoughts won't go away man, best thing to do is accept it or leave her because trust me its way too much unnecessary stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): To the original poster,
I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?
Appreciate it very much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Dang, I was kind of hoping to hear that this stuff will eventually go away after a while but Mistyisle's post disheartened me a little.
I feel very lucky that the girl I am with now (and intend to marry in a few years) gave her virginity to me but she had 2 previous boyfriends that she did do sexual things with and my imagination gets to me sometimes. Its really like Pandora's box. Once its open, there's no getting the evil back in it. I really wish I had no idea what her history was and that it was just a clean slate but then I always wonder if the curiosity would kill me if the negative fantasies didn't.
It pains me so much because I REALLY love this girl and yet I can't stop imagining her with other men...seriously, I wonder if I could benefit from medication sometimes. Everybody be sure to spread the phrase that will be sure to keep you happy as long as you adhere to it: Less history, more mystery. If you can spare your friends or yourself from future turmoil, please do.
In the mean time, WTF do I do about this woman I love so much? I can't and I won't just "dump her and start over." I've been seeing a psychologist for a little while now and the biggest advice I can impart would be to not let your mind wonder into the "she's having sex with someone else" fantasy. Whenever you start, cut it off immediately. Easier said than done, I know, but try your best because as far as your body and subconscious mind know, she might as well be having sex with someone else with the amount of stress you're putting yourself through. See a psychiatrist, see if they can medicate you and learn some strategies that can help you coupe. It's literally killing you, don't let it any longer!
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reader, dil69  +, writes (13 January 2009):
dont worry mate your not the olny one out there i am experiancing the same as u its killing me inside there have been times where i have been driving on my own and just hort how easy it wood be just to put my car into a tree and forget evarything it sux big time it makes me not want to eat not want to sleep and just not want to live anymore i just wish there was a easy fix just to make me enjoy life because at the moment im not at all i hae it ts making me sick to the bone
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): Ok, I had the same problems when I started college and now 6 years later Im going through the same stuff again. The first time, I was acting really immature and wanted to make her feel bad about it for some reason. That, of course, cost me a great relationship. Then I dated some other girl cpl of years later and we broke up, but were still on great terms cause we had many mutual friends. Now, we're been back together and everything was going amazing until things i knew about her started haunting my dreams. I dont blame her 1 percent and theres really no wrongdoing at all, but i feel like i know too much and I dont think ill be able to get over it. Now I have a dilemma whether I should just break up now or keep it the way it is. Unfortunately, Ill have to break up. Sorry, this is mostly sharing my story and not really giving an advice, but if there is one, it would be: know when its not worth fighting anymore. If its too much of an obsession, you have to save both of you right now. Its for the greater good. Also, I dont know how much the fact that you didnt have sex before matter, cause Ive been pretty active sexually but I still have the same problem. Good luck brotha.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2008): Hey Mate,
I am going through same thing as you. but unlike you i am not a Single Digit i'm lucky number 34.. Oh and we're both 19...
She's been abused & raped (those aren't included in people she's slept with) and like you the long term relationships dont bother me (which she has had 3) it's the flings and things like that.
but my girl is best friends with alot of guys and just about all of them she has slept with.
This weekend i am seeking counciling but it's expensive i am surfing online to see if something can help.
ATM i am just taking it one day at a time,
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reader, ithacachris +, writes (22 October 2008):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionright on, passionatelynumb.
i had had many opportunities to have sex, but for whatever reason never followed through. i hated myself sometimes for that but justified that that was just who i was, and that it would be special my first time because of it.
it's not just her past that bothers me, but kind of like you, i have met or at least seen every guy she has slept with, and even guys she merely "hooked up" with.
and yeah - it's not the long term relationships that bother me so much as the random hook ups. to be honest, i was never actually 100 percent she had sex even though she had two serious relationships, because she is so sweet and innocent. boy was i wrong.
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (22 October 2008):
 "It is also about my own insecurities - sometimes I am bitter that I was not having sex when she was."I know exactly how you feel my friend! I'm in the exact same position as you. Its a horrible feeling. You hate yourself for not getting over her past. Then you hate yourself for wishing you had a colorful past of your own. Finally you hate yourself for being a hypocrite by being bothered by her past but at the same time wanting one of your own. If she has indeed only been with four other guys, count yourself lucky. Mine was with 12 men before me. Only 3 were real boyfriends. The other nine were within less than year before we met. She is a wonderful girl. She treats me like no one I have ever known before. I have never felt love like this. It truly is an amazing relationship. We had already been talking marraige when the past came up. I had been trying to avoid bringing up the past becuase I had only been with one other person before her and I knew it would bother me. When I found out I was lucky number 13 it devastated me. I couldn't eat or sleep for a good couple of days. My appetite eventually returned, but the pain has never subsided. I still wake up at night replaying all of her encounters in my head. The funny thing is that her three long term relationships don't bother me. Its the fact that while I had spent the year prior to her focusing on work, school, and building a financial foundation so that I could one day provide for a family. She was spending that time drinking, partying, and sleeping with any guy that bought her a drink. It rips my heart out to think about. We've run into her long term ex plenty of times. That really isn't so bad. Its running into the random hookups that really take the wind out of my sails. Like the sports bar we were eating at one day. I asked her why she was acting so strange. Turns out she had slept with the owner and was trying to avoid him.How about the police station we have to drive by on our way to church. (Church, ironic huh?) Turns out she had sex with one of the cops that works there. Then there is the Marine who left his wife and two children so he could go out and party more. Sounds like a real stand up guy. That didn't stop her from giving the most precious part of her to him time after time. What about the guy we ran into at a restaurant who took her on a really god awful date! He was awkward. Couldn't hold a decent conversation. Tried way too hard to get her to be his girlfriend. She used to talk about how horrible the experience was. Oh yeah, come to find out, she had sex with him on two different nights before they even went on that date! That one is killing me the most right now. That's just the four I know about. I'm dreading the possiblity running into the other five random flings out there. Girls are the gatekeepers of sexuality. It is theirs to give and theirs to withhold. Who they give themselves to says so much about them.You and I have an almost reverent view of sex. I think that's why we wish we had our own sordid pasts. Maybe if we didn't respect the act of two people sharing themselves in the most intimate way possible, our lover's pasts wouldn't hurt so much.
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reader, ithacachris +, writes (22 October 2008):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni agree, mistyisle, these thoughts only bother me when we are apart. and i don't think she understands the ways these things bother me. she thinks i am a jerk for making her feel like a slut. i don't mean to, but i can't change how much it upsets me.
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reader, Mistyisle  +, writes (21 October 2008):
I also lost my virginity to a girl who had many sexual partners before me, although the whole truth was not known to me until after we were married. I also experience very unpleasant images of her sexual past even after 28 years of marriage. I don't think these will ever completely go away although for me, they occur less frequently these days but are always just as painful. As you share life, experiences and perhaps raise children, your bonds will strengthen and her past life will gradually become less relevent to your future together. I went as far as persuading her to move to a different country and my main motive, which she did not know, was so that I would not keep bumping into any of her former lovers. For us, the subject of her past is taboo and I would suggest that you keep quiet about it. She will not understand your obsession and think that you are a jerk, trying to punish her for something that she cannot change. Learn to steer your mind away from this subject because it is so destructive. Generally it is only when my wife and I are apart that these thoughts haunt me, and it is usually at night, in bed, when my imagination has freedom to run wild that I am troubled the most. As Pail Simon wrote: "In the hours when the heart is weakest and memory is strong".
Best of Luck
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reader, ithacachris +, writes (18 October 2008):
ithacachris is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all -
i know i am being unfair to her, and i know i am being immature, but for someone with such a natural, potent imagination this has been very difficult for me to overcome.
someoneelse, i really like your advice in particular.
thanks to everyone, and i welcome more input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Its sweet that she was the first person you had slept with, but you must understand that everyone has a first, and not all people have the same ideas about sex. People do have sex, sometimes for the right reasons, sometimes the wrong reasons, and sometimes really for no reason at all. Perhaps she has made mistakes, but don't we all? The thing is, she can't go back, and all you are doing is making yourself upset, and her as well. If you can't let go of these worries/feelings you have, perhaps its best that you try to get some help, or maybe you shouldn't be with her, because it isn't fair to blame her for what she can't change. Most people do have a past, dear, and you'll be hard pressed to find a woman at your age who hasn't had sex. Oh yeah, there are some out there, but if you really love this girl, why don't you just stop thinking about the past, and put your attention in the right now, and the future. The past is gone, you can't bring it back. Let it go.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (18 October 2008):
 She can't change the past so you have to accept it or move on. Do you think the next woman will be any better? Or the one after that. You need to accept that people have and enjoy sex. It happens before you meet a person, during and should you break up, after as well. Sex is physical. It feels good. We do it because we're built to do it. She already knows your feelings. The more you badger her about ti the more you'll turn her away. Try to get help from a therapist of some type. you can not continue to punish her though.
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