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female
age
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anonymous
writes: I'm so sad, I feel I can't stand my husband anymore, and I don't know what to do.I tried everything to try to improve things , but nothing has happened.He feels cold loveless, and passive. Yet he keeps saying he wants to be with me. I don't even get it why. He works all the time. We have no sex life, or any life, .Just finished raising our children. And I'm so panicked, because I really don't want this to end , but it just can't get any better. Counseling isnt working, what he hates the most is talking about our problems. I would do anything to save this, but if it goes like this ,I have no choice ,than to leave, and that is such a bad future to me. What do you think , what can I try? Thanks for any suggestion/
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I have a female work colleague who has had the same type of marriage like yours. She made her life better by filling her life with other things to do rather than just family. Maybe you need some me-time and that will make you feel better about yourself. Join an Aerobics class or do something that gets you out of the routine that you are stuck in now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): find your inner strength....don't focus on him or the relationship..but on YOU...that will give you the direction and strength you'll need to make the right choices .....good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): I wonder ,if it worth it to stay any longer. don't forget ,not only the ''truth'' what counts, but how you feel..
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Sad and Lost  +, writes (3 October 2009):
It is one thing to just throw in the towel when things get rough. It is quite another to let it ago after you really and truly have tried. As much as one might value to comittment of marriage, NOT EVERYONE IS BETTER OFF STAYING TOGETHER. Life away from what you have known is scarey. But you deserve better than this. Be brave. I think you already know what you want to do. BTW- have you read "Who moved my cheese?" It is a really motivating book when trying to adjust to a big change. Best of luck to you. With time you will be okay.My prayers are with you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): Hello there!
I think it is not worth it to stay in an unloving place,
because its only ok ,if it does not destroys you.Some woman are very strong, they don't mind to be with a man like yours.
But they have their own life, their own agenda. They are not needy . Now there is nothing wrong , you have needs,and if that is what you need , you don't get it. The woman who doe not need love, can live with any man if its not too abusing. You are not one of them! Take care
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 October 2009):
My girlfriend tried again and again and again to get her husband to suddenly turn into her knight. He didn't. He made promise after promise after promise and didn't keep one of them. It isn't enough to tell you that he loves you. I know some of the other posts tell you not to give in and some say create a safer environment. Normally, I would agree. But this relationship cannot move AT ALL unless he opens up. It just can't. Ultimately, you need to make a serious decision. If he won't open up, won't tell you what is happening, please don't stay in a relationship that leaves you cold and unloved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): don't throw in the towel yet. this problem took years to surface, it will not go away and be fixed within a short space of time. you have to work at your marriage everyday, it is so damn hard, i know, but the end results are worth it. so please try and try again to salvage your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I think you have to give this a little more time but only say 6 months. In that time perhaps you should start trying less hard to wonder and worry. If you start with yourself then you get two bonuses. Firstly - you can build up your own confidence and self esteem which, either way at the end of 6 months will serve you well in making a decision and going forward. It will also in the meantime bring new interest and variety into your marriage as you talk about the new things you do each day. I am thinking you should take up something new, re-vamp your wardrobe and have a better social life - do something you love. I am making assumptions that things have got into a rut but understand broadly what I mean is that you have to feel like an individual and a confident one - that is often a sexy quality for a woman to have. I think he will sit up and take notice pretty soon :-)
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Honey, why are you so conflicted? When all is quiet in your day and you let your inner voice speak, what is it saying?
I think you know what it's saying, but like most people, the intimate familiarity you have with your own situation makes you fearful of possibilities you currently cannot conceive.
Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I agree with the idea that sometimes the best way to get a guy to open up is to (repeatedly) SHOW him you love him and to create a safe environment for him to open up in.I'd also suggest finding a couples retreat that does 5 to 7 day camps. These are great! Find one in the country side. My wife and I went to one, rural, great cabins, great staff. We worked in small groups and it was an amazing experience. we were their prior to getting married (at 40) as a gift to ourselves. Others were their to address issues in their marriage - we were 'buying insurance"...great life altering experience.Now, we too still have to WORK HARD at staying connected. At nearing 50, no kids (we married late) we're both hitting the prime in our carriers and we're working alot. Meals are quick, a little tv and she's in bed by 10pm... got to make some time to connect! it's hard work, but worth it.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (1 October 2009):
 There could be a number of issues here. Midlife crisis, depression, or he's just not in love with you anymore. The only other alternative explanation is that he's having an affair.
The fact that he doesn't want to talk about your problems as a couple, indicates he's retreating away from confiding in you. This could be in part due to the kids moving on in life; and that leaves the two of you alone.
Maybe ask him what it is he wants to do with the rest of his life. Perhaps there's something there that the two of you can work on together to bring back the attraction that seems to be lacking in your marriage.
The other issue I see here is a lack of emotional intimacy. And that's a problem that can't be dealt with until he finally opens up and tells you what it is that's eating at him.
Unfortunately with so little to go on, its impossible to read his mind, or ... what's left of it.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (1 October 2009):
 I read an article once that said that sometimes women need to stop trying to talk to their husbands. Instead of talking, show them. Have you tried SHOWING him you love him? Maybe he'll catch on that way. For him, talking seems not work, like you mentioned, but maybe actions could speak louder than words. Unless there is something else going on with him, like an affair, it might just be a matter of you opening up first to get the spark going. Instead of saying "We don't do anything anymore" start making sure that you do things again. Ask him how much vacation time he has, and when he can take off work, and plan a vacation in which you do things that you BOTH want to do. Does he like blow jobs? Give him one every day. Ask him to reciprocate. Do you ask for sex? Start asking for sex. Do different things, positions, lingerie. Does he have a certain hobby? Subscribe him to a magazine that deals with it. Hunting, fishing, carving? What does your man like to do in his spare time, if he had any? Inspire him to enjoy things other than work. Are you in shape? Get in shape; it's good for the sex life and for your health. Get a makeover. Get a hairstyle that flatters your face, get a wardrobe makeover, dress to flatter your body. You seem like you're both in a rut and one of you needs to do something to get yourselves out of it. Why does he work so much? Materialistic? A lot of bills? Debt? Are there bills you could do without? Cut them out. What's more precious, 200 channels of cable or an extra hour together each day?
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Why does a future without him look so bad? Perhaps a separation may work, as it sometimes makes people stop taking their spouse for granted, which is what it sounds like he's doing to you. If it doesn't stop him taking you for granted, it may just make you realise you can get along just fine without him, and maybe even find yourself someone who makes you feel good again. Good luck :)
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